Earth is vast enough to fit billions of people in it, but it's ironic how likely I can't go in. I know it doesn't work because I built a walls up high nor was it because they tried to kick me out. It was simply because of my incompatibility.
People might emphathize my distinctiveness, but they cannot crush the barrier that hinders the connection. Everyone will try to alleviate my loneliness but they, too, can't stay for long. But I thought maybe- it is my fault because I didn't try enough to brake my invisible wall. I mean, I tried everything even changing myself into someone I isn't. I was able to pass through, but was then casted away for bearing a fake identity. It makes me feel rejected, but also suffocated. And maybe it's my sole purpose- to be alone, different and lost.
I have been trying to pull myself together for the past days. I am basically scavenging for reasons to stay afloat, to stay "positive". Only beacause I am angry, but too mentally drained to be angry. I am disappointed but I am use to being disappointed. I am hurt and I am tired of being hurt. My mental health is like one step forward and two steps backward. It's just one thing after another, until it's all piled up.
Everything is a mess and everything is in chaos, my heart, my mind, my soul. They are all gone, missing, lost or perhaps still there but feels like don't. Seems like yesterday when the glimps of hope is finaly opening for me. When I finally decided to leave behind the old and ugly me to create the new Liv that I wish I was. It feels like yesterday when everything is just full of questions and wandering. Today, some has been cleared out, answered and they said, understood. But I don't care about it anymore, what I care is what I can't have right now.
It's been six months and I was still stock and unmoving. The nightmare's gone, Thana's finaly not controlling me anymore but the worst thing is- the guilt. This time I am not drugged at ang tunay kong kalaban dito ay ang sarili ko. Dati hindi ko magawang makatulog sa takot na bumalik ang mga bangungot na sumisindak sa akin, ngunit ngayon ayuko ng gumising.
Hindi ko na maintindihan ang mundo. Parang kahapon lang isa akong criminal, ngayung tunay na nakagawa ako ng kasalanan saka pa nila ako tinanggap. Hundreds of Thana's man that I killed and people calling it "JUSTICE". They've seen me bathed in blood but now they shouted my name like a saint.
"Imagine living in the land were all of bad things that happens to you started? I mean at a very young age you have live alone full of fear and regrets, holding into something unfamiliar to you in order to survive. And when you're finally healed you needed to go back to where it all started doing something you didn't want just because you are born with it and you just- can't get away with it and if you do, they labeled you as worthless or selfish. Kahit pa inililigtas mo lang naman yung sarili mo, kahit pa inuuna mo lang yung happiness mo kasi bihira lang talaga mapagbigyan."
You're right Noah, now I finally understand what you really meant about living in the place or in a situation people wanted you to be. They really called it happy ending or a mission accomplished, but no one bothers how I feel about it.
"Liv get up, you need to go outside." Waxton said at kahit pa nakatalikod ako sa kaniya alam kong nakasandal siya ngayun sa hamba ng aking kwarto gaya ng lagi niyang ginagawa.
"I'm tired." Sabi ko nalang saka binalut pang mabuti ang sarili ng makapal na kumot. I heard him sighed.
"Liv come on, it's been six months and you barely eat, do you think Noah will be happy seeing you like this?" I clinched my fist hearing him say Noah's name.
"I'm sure he won't, but if you just let me save him that day maybe I wasn't be like this today." Malamig ko sabi na ikinabuntong hininga muli niya.
"Hindi rin naman namin ginusto ito Liv. Kagaya mo nasaktan din kami sa pagkawala niya." I smiled bitterly.
"I hope I can say the same- nasaktan." Pinili kong itikom na ang bibig matapus sabihin iyun at hayaang tumulo nanaman ang luhang ilang buwan ko na ring naging karamay. Kung alam lang nila ang nararamdaman ko, kung gaano ako nag-sisisi na dinamay ko pa si Noah dito, kung sana ay hindi ko na siya ginulo pa nuon at pinilit na tulungan ako sana ay hindi siya nawala. Sana may masipag at mapagmahal na Tito Noah sila Nessy at Missy. Ni hindi ko na nga alam kong paano ko pa si Tita Norma haharapin. I brought death to her husband and as well as her son.
Hindi ko kayang magpakita pa sa kaniya.
What feel right now is not just being hurt but dark and appalling. I feel lost, I feel worthless, disappointment.
I heard the door closed and I assumed Waxton finally leave me alone but then a rough callous hands patted my back, robbing it up and down in a slow rythym.
"I'm sorry anak." I know it was Julius and It made me even cry harder hearing him called me "anak". Six months had pass and this is the first time he visited me. I don't know where he goes and what he do pero hindi ko itatangging siya ang unang hinanap kong sasama sa akin sa pagkakataong ito. But like what I've said, he left.
"I'm sorry dahil kailangan mong maramdaman ito para lang sa kaligtasan ng nakararami but I'll tell you Liv, you are the most amazing person that I've ever met. Because of what you've done, you able to save hundreds of students and maybe hundreds more kung hindi pa napigilan ang mga Thana. I know just talking about it is torture to you dahil nakita mo silang lahat, nasaksihan mo lahat kung paano nawala sayo ang mga mahal mo sa buhay. But you know what?" he gentle cares my hair, stroking slightly its strands.
"It's inevitable to feel pain and regretting everything from time to time however, there are times that we really have to get up and continue walking again. When I saw you cried when we found Noah down at the cliff, i regretted what I did to your life. You are just a little girl but all of people abandoned you. And I am one of them, but let me refrain what we had Liv. Let me help you up. This time I will never abandon you." Hindi ko magawang makasumagot dahil sa panghihina. Pakiramdam ko paunti-unti ako nauupos sa bawat araw na gigising akong bitbit ang katutuhanang wala na si Noah.
But each days I am slowly learning that I will never be the person I was before. Things happened, and my heart was shattered. Pain went through me like thread through a needle, and roughly tacked the broken parts of me into its very colour. I know that this, too, will be okay one day. Like the time when I had forgotten how to breathe and pretended to live normal just to not let myself worry about how it truly works, and then slowly I found myself doing it without even trying. That if you wear a mask for too long, eventually it becomes a part of you.
But I dont have to wear any mask if the world aren't too cruel for me. But since I have no choice, I learnt how to carry the weight and still live a little in my own way. Though that pain will always be here, and the only way I can do is by accepting its existence. I realize that no matter how much I regret choosing wrong things in my past, it won't change my future. Noah and the other students will still be part of the Thana's experiments but the difference is, I couldn't do anything about it. Because if Noah didn't able to fixed me, I might be the only person to stay and pick up parts of me alone. I will never experienced comfort on my worst days. And probably never bothered myself for someone else's safety, like I was with Noah. With all of realization I don't think I can find closure or reasons to forget him.
All that's left now is the consequences of my choices and I don't know how to accept it. And I don't want to make justifications for anything I did. But Julius is right I need to learn how to stand up alone. I need to get up and pick up those broken pieces of me. I need to teach myself that there are things that are beyond my control.
Noah is gone and I have to be the one who fixes myself. Because other people can't do that for me. Julius , Waxton, Hunter, they surely helps, but if I don't know how to fix myself alone, I might lose myself completely. Noah started it and it has to continue.
Mula sa aking pagkakahiga, tanaw ko ang madilim na langit dahil sa bukas na bintana. Kitang kita ko ang libo-libong bituin duon. Sabi ni Noah I can always find light whenever I look at the sky. Whether it is a sun, a moon or this million constilation. And when there's a light, there is hope. Pero ewan ko at hindi ko mahanap ang pag-asang sinasabi niya. Siguro kung babangon man ako ngayon, ito ay para sumabay nalang sa agos ng buhay. Hindi na ako hahanap ng dahilan pa para sumigla ulit. Alam ko hindi healthy ito and Noah probably wouldn't like it, but what can I do? Isinama niya sa pag-alis ang lahat ng naipon ko pag-asa. I know I will heal, but there is a reason it is said that the marks people leave are very often scars. I think I understand what that means now.
Noah, is not just a friend, he is a very especial friend who made me rebuilt my emotions. He made me understand that it's okay for me to decide what is too much for me and what's not. That I am allowed to be emotional, sensitive, and sad about things that trouble me. I am also allowed to break down and cry when it gets too tough. He said, other people may have it worse, but my heart shouldn't ache any less because I haven't gone through the same things. And if I'm tired, he will not force me to explain how hard it is. He never fail to reminds me that I have my own unique limits, and these limits vary for everyone. After all, pain isn't something that can be compared anyway.
Six months had passed and I only do is to lie in bed looking at the starry sky and trying to take some rest. My feelings, my heart, my mental health are now neglected.
"Liv." A voice coming from somewhere echoed inside my room. Nandito parin ako sa hideout namin at wala akong balak umalis. This is where I live— with Noah. Every corner of this room is imprinted with his memories.
"Liv aalis kami, may pagkain sa kusina. You have to at least eat." Ulit nito at saka lang nag sink in sa akin na si Hunter iyon.
Gaya ng dati, hindi ako nagsalita. They left and it confirmed me when I heard Walton's car droving away from the house. Madalas ganito sila, wala akong inuusisa kung bakit lagi silang umaalis ng gabi at magkakasama dahil wala parin ako sa kapasidad na makatanggap muli ng balita patungkol sa Thana, because I know it's about that.
Bumangon ako at pinilit na tumayo kahit pa ang gusto ng katawan ko ay ang mahiga nalang ulit. Kung hindi nga lang nanunuyo ang lalamunan ko ay baka nakatulog nanaman ako sa aking pwesto kanina.
Gamit ang pader na ginawa kung alalay sa paglalakad ay tumama ang paningin ko sa full length mirror na nakatayo sa gilid ng aking kama. Tumulo ang luha ko habang pinagmamasdan ang sarili. Maiitim ang palibot ng aking mata, namamalat ang labi at subrang laki ng ipinayat ko. Ang aking abong buhok ay gulong-gulo at hindi ko na maalala kung kelan ko ba nagawang suklayin iyun. Kadalan tuwing maliligo ako ay magbibihis nalang at babalik na muli sa paghiga. Pakiramdam ko rin ay nakasabit nalang sa katawan ko ang t-shirt na dati ay tama lang naman ang laki para sa akin. Hindi ko akalaing ganito ang magiging kalagayan ko ngayun. Akala ko'y sukdulan na ang dinanas ko nuon ngunit may mas lalala pa pala.
Iniwas ko nalang ang paningin sa salamin at pinagpatuloy ang pag labas ng kwarto at dumeretso ng kusina. Mula sa ref ay kinuha ko duon ang pitsil na may lamang tubig at hindi na nag abala pang kumuha ng baso. Duon mismo ay nilagok ko ang tubig hanggang sa mapunan ang aking uhaw. Ganito ako lagi, lalabas lang tuwing iinom. Kakain lang pag hindi ko na talaga kaya.
"Liv." Nahinto ako ng may magsalita sa aking likuran. Bukod sa alam kung mag-isa lang ako rito ay kilalang-kilala ko ang nagmamay-ari ng boses na iyun.
"Liv." Pag-uulit niya at mula sa likod, nakaramdam ako ng mainit na yakap. Pinagsagpong niya ang dalawang kamay sa aking bewang at kinulong ako duon.
Hindi ko magawang kumilos para lingunin siya sa takut na baka nagkakamali lang ako ng akala. Ngunit siya na mismo ang humarap sa akin. Inilipat niya ang dalawang palad sa aking pisngi na basang basa na ngayun ng luha. He wipe it off while giving me his most genuine smiles na subrang miss na miss ko na.
"Noah." I sob and he nodded.
"You're here." Dugsong ko pa saka kinabig siya at mahigpit na niyakap. Sa isip ko, alam kong panaginip lang ito ngunit ganun pa man gusto kung iparating sa kaniya ang lahat ng gusto kong sabihin na hindi ko nagawa manlang dati. Kung ibinigay na pagkakataon ito upang makapag paalam sa kaniya, hindi ko sasayangin ang kahit katiting na sigundo.
"I miss you." Buong tapang na sabi ko at ibinaon pa ng husto ang mukha sa kaniyang dibdib. Ramdam ko naman ang marahan niyang pag halik sa aking uluhan dahilan upang lalo lang akong maiyak. Ikinalas niya ang pagkakayakap sa akin at pinagkatitigan ako ng mabuti.
"I miss you too Liv and I'm so sorry that I have to leave you this way. Mahal kita at hindi ko pinagsisisihan ang ginawa ko para sa kaligtasan mo." He said and it makes my heart break into million pieces. Sinong mag-aakalang masisira ang puso ko sa pag amin niyang mahal niya ako gayung alam ko parehas lang kami ng nararamdaman.
"Noah, I'm sorry that couldn't get a chance to tell you how thankful I am that met you. You are so good for me at yan ang lagi kong dahilan kung bakit kinukubli ko ang katotohanan sa puso ko. Natakot lang ako, natakot ako na baka masira kita kung hahayaan kong tuluyan kang komonekta sa akin. I'm sorry for not letting you know that I love you too. Hindi ko alam kung paano at kelan ko nakompirma, pero nang nawala ka, napagtanto kong ang tanga-tanga ko. Binulag ko ang sarili ko sa pag-aakalang masasaktan lang kita. Sa isiping hindi ako nararapat sayo. Only to find out that I am the weak one. I can't move no more when you're gone, Noah. i really miss you... please come back." Buong tapang kong saad. Punong puno man ng luha ang mata ko, tiniis kong huwag ipikit iyun at pagkatitigang mabuti ang gumuguhit na saya, lungkot, panghihinayang sa mga mata ni Noah. Kung isa man itong panaginip alam kung nakarating sa kaniya ang nais kong sabihin.
"You just made me the happiest man in the world Liv. After all, everything will be worth fighting for kahit pa hindi mo ako mahalin. What I felt for you is not a question that needed to be answered. Whether you feel the same or not I will love you and protect no matter what." Matapus niyang sabihin iyun ay siniil niya ako ng halik. Ginantihan ko naman iyun ng buong-buo sa aking puso. Matapus maubusan ng hininga ay kumalas kami at pinagdaop niya ang aming nuo. He was eyes closed at pinagmasdam ko iyung mabuti. Sinaulo ko ang bawat kurba ng kaniyang mukha. Mula sa matangos niyang ilong, magandang hugis ng labi at ang depinado niyang panga. Kahit pa manipis ang buhok nito ngayun ay hindi maitatanggi ang pananatili ng kaniyang kakisigan. Kahit anong hairstyles yata ay babagay sa kaniya.
"Liv." He whispers.
"I am so happy to hear you say that you love me too, but you have to move forward without me. They need you Liv and you have to stand up for yourself. You don't have to let go Liv, you just need to live. Marami pang mangyayari at hindi na kita masasamahan para harapin lahat yun. But I know you are stronger than what you think. I know that you can still find hope basta wag mo lang ititikom ang mga mata mo. This time, you need to accept people dahil marami kami, marami kaming nagmamahal sayo. I know you already know that within yourself kaya wag mo na sanang pigilan. Let them love you Liv." Masakit ang mga salitang iyun dahil nangangahulugan lang na aalis na talaga siya. But I don't want to disappoint him kaya determinado akong tumango. And because of that, he smiles and cupped my face for a longer kiss this time.