"I'm professor Steven. It is a pleasure to speak in front of you."
Natahimik ang lahat nang magsalita ang guess speaker sa unahan. Naka tukod ang dalawang kamay nito sa baston niyang hawak habang pinapasadahan nang tingin ang hanay nang mga estudyante dito sa soccer field. Ngumiti siya ng marahan bago huminga ng malalim.
He turned to face each of us who was staring at him blankly and continued, "When I get here, the vast open field is devoid of smiles. But why am I staring at a grayscale of paleness even when you are surrounded by vibrant objects and a dynamic environment?"
"I see nothing but sadness-no color, no joy. I am aware that among the students admitted to the hospital right now are some of your loved ones, friends, or family. I am also aware of the type of sadness you are experiencing at the moment. It's possible that you cannot erase the past. It was similar to having a damaged DVD tape playing back and forth inside your brain," he said. Students started to nod collectively.
The professor seems to be in his 50's. His tall, dark, and his perfectly shaped mustache was slightly gray. Ganun din ang kulay nang kaniyang manipis na buhok at maging ang kilay nito.
Nandito kaming mga estudyante ngayon sa gitna ng soccer field. Miss Jamison and all of the faculty members said that every student has to attend this session. That it's for our own good, dahil nga sa traumatic events na nangyari sa supposedly camping trip namin. I was actually going to skip this session, pero sinundan talaga ako ni Miss Jamison after ng class niya. Mukhang alam na alam nitong wala akong balak umattend. Ilang pulgada nalang ang layo ko sa main entrance, pero naharangan agad niya ako at pinilit na pumunta dito sa mainit na soccer field kanina.
Bukod sa mainit dahil alas tres palang ng hapon ay hindi rin ako kumportable sa aking pwesto. I was sitting next to Hunter, habang katabi naman nito si Neska, Nikko, and Renzo, at sa kadulu-duluhan ng bench ay nakaupo ang tahimik na si Noah. He looks fine, kung hindi lang sa mga bandage na nasa nuo niya. Mukha ring nakakakilos siya nang maayos, unlike sa mga kasamahan niyang hanggang ngayon ay nasa hospital parin.
Everyone fell back into silence as he began, "Now I want to ask you kids. Do you now blame the creator?"
Professor Steven gives us a peek. When his eyes met mine, I can assume he was searching for a response. He paused and gave me a really serious look. I find it weird though, but I guess I am really this clear. Maybe he knew when he gave me his sight that I hated God, and I blame him.
"Kids, you know what? Something is always going to break you. Words, people, mistakes, and anticipations. You'll be taken aback by something that will destroy you. But the truth also goes with it. That you are capable of succeeding. You'll get better and heal," he stated, and while it would appear like everyone is moved by what he said, it will require a lot of effort for me.
"God does not want for you to suffer when he breaks you. It's simply his method of fortifying your courage and strength so that you can rely on the resources he has provided for you along the journey. He is good, yet he never leaves our side and is full of surprises. He instills hope in us; maybe he will guide you to the people who will provide sufficient justification for your good quest. God's grace is unpredictable because it sometimes resides inside the pain. We also fail to see that suffering is a necessary step on the path to the happy life we deserve."
"When it comes to everything, especially intelligence, God is unmatched. That's why he produced uncertainty that seemed real. He endowed people with a wide range of feelings. If you are the sunshine that makes everyone feel warm today, the following day you may also be the cause of the hurricane, or perhaps the storm itself. Despite the ability to communicate and manage situations regardless of their complexity, you can be the gray cloud. Wanted no company at all; felt depressed and unhappy."
Nagtanguan ang marami, kasama na rito si Renzo na titig na titig sa nagsasalita. Noah on the other side is silently listening to the professor at mukhang walang balak lumingon manlang sa akin, which is a big favor for me. Mas mapapadali ang pag-iwas ko kung pati siya ay lalayo sa akin. Hindi ako magiging makasarili at hayaan siyang mapahamak. Matapos ko matuklasan ang katotohanang matagal nang binibitbit nang konsensiya ko, mas lalo lamang sinabi sa akin ng tadhanang nakakasama ako sa kaniya. Ibinalik ko ang paningin sa professor, saka malalim na bumuntong hininga.
"You know what's so incredible about that, though? Even if we sometimes feel like we're lying or making excuses, we know deep down that none of those versions of yourself are false. Contrary to popular belief, the most genuine parts are not the darkest ones! They're not. They are all a part of who we are. They are authentic and true. Simply put, we are holding onto the parts where we may benefit not just ourselves but also others while continuing to work on the pieces that are not beneficial to everyone."
"Our thought processes are reflected in our personalities. Our mindset influences our behavior, perceptions, attitudes, interactions with others, and overall understanding of life. Though intelligent people can occasionally dazzle you and attractive appearances can hold your interest for a while, have you ever encountered someone with a lovely mentality? The kind of person whose personality makes you want to spend more time with them-not because of their appearance or wit. the type of person who had a positive impact on you and forced you to reconsider your decisions in life as well as your behavior toward other people. If so, you are in luck since they are the most reliable person you have ever encountered."
Hindi ko alam kong bakit nang sabihin niya iyon ay awtomatikong pumasok sa isip ko si Noah. Agad na umandar sa utak ko lahat nang mga sermon niya tuwing gumagaspang ang ang ugali ko sa ibang tao. Kung paano niya ipilit na siya ang pinaka the best na kaibigang pwede kong makilala. Kahit ang mga nakakatawa niyang mukha tuwing tatamaan siya ng kaduwagan sa kahit sa maliit na bagay lang. He's indeed an amazing person with such healthy mentality that I wish I didn't causes any stain.
I couldn't resist the impulse to glance at him, and I was shocked to see that he had been staring at me the entire time.
"We are not made to be alone-especially not alone ourselves. We need to allow people to flip through our pages. We must have faith in someone. God will allow you to meet others, as I have mentioned. Even though they might leave when things got too dangerous or stick with through your victories and worst moments, it still makes the effort worthwhile. Maybe they will be happy if they succeed, and unhappy if they fail. There is a purpose for everything that God will bring you through. It will all be worth it in the end."
"But if you must be alone, please not necessarily sad, lonely kinda way, rather in a way that if you surrender to, shall bring you immensely peace. Atleast when you chase victory and turns into failure you can still chase the dream. You may became disillusioned but while you go through all these immensely beautiful experiences, there is still someone certainty waiting for you to share them with. Some people who'd like to accompany you for a while. Maybe have a cup of tea or go for 5 minutes walk, but beyond that, it is going to be you. But even though you're alone the bag of questions, answers, possibilities, dreams, losses, and everything you've collected over the brief span of time, it is still all worth to remember. Be alone but do not be attach to loneliness." Professor walk down the stage. May kung anong sinenyas siya sa mga stuff duon at maya maya pa'y isa isang lumapit sa amin at pinagbibigyan kami ng mga lobo. Pareparehas ang kulay nuong dilaw at halus magkakasing laki rin. Kaalinsabay nuon ay ang marker pen na iniabot din sa amin ng mga stuff. Confussion right all over me at sa lahat ng mga estudyanteng kasama ko. The old professor give us a bright pouse of smile right before he speak.
"I want you to write down your name on the balloons." Utos nito sa amin. Nag-aalangan man ang karamihan ay sinunod rin naman ang sinabi ng professor. Matapus iyun ay pinabilog niya kami sa gitna ng field at saka siya pumwesto sa gitna nito. He was still holding his mic at matamang inililibot ang paningin sa amin.
"Now kids, I want you to throw that balloon inside this field." Kumunot ang nuo ko.
"Do it." Pag-uulit niya ng makitang nag-aalangan ang lahat.
"Okay." Kibit balikat lang na saad ni Renzo at nanguna na sa pag lalagay ng lobo. Nasundan iyon ng ilang mga estudyante hanggang sa naabutan ko nalang ang sarili kong binibitawan narin ang sa akin.
Muli, makabulohang ngumiti ang professor at pinatalikod kami. Ramdam ko ang mga stuff na nagsipasukan sa loob ng bilog na ginawa namin. Ilang sigundo ang itinagal nuon bago kami muling pinaharap sa loob.
"Hala nawala yung lobo ko." Kamot sa ulong sabi ni Niko na siyang katabi ni Hunter. Tumingin na rin ako sa aking tapat at wala na rin duon ang loob n may pangalan ko.
"I think the professor mixed all the ballons." Saad ni Hunter.
"Listen up! I will gave you 5 minutes to find your own ballon. You can stroll the whole field whatever you like but when the time is up you need to stop. Weather you find it or not." Nag tanguan ang mga estudyante at tila na challenge sa pinagagawa ng professor. Malakas namang nag set ng timer si Coach Rio at siya na ring nag takda ng simula.
Nagkagulo ang lahat sa paghahanap. May nagtatawanan dahil nagkakabanggan na rin sila at ang ilan naman ay seryuso lang. Samantalang ako, si Noah at Hunter ay nanatiling naka tayo sa aming pwesto. Pinanuod ko lang sila sa kanilang ginagawa hanggang sa tumunog na ang timer hudyat na tapos na ang oras. Pinagkatitigan kung muli isa-isa at ni isa sa kanila ay walang hawak na lobo.
"I can see that no one's got their own ballons." Simula ng professor.
"But I've also seen everyone who make an effort to find it. Dispite the commotion earlier I spot the three kids standing at their places, unmoving, unbothered." Aniya sabay isa-isa kaming tinitigan nila Noah at Hunter. Kahit ang ilang mga estudyante ay naglingunan narin sa aming gawi.
"Kids, can I ask why you didn't try looking for your ballons?" he ask and that question is directly at me. Lumapit ang stuff sa akin at inigaya nito sa tapat ng bibig ko ang isa pang mikropono. Tumahimik ang paligid at nalipat sa akin ang mata ng lahat.
"I don't want to waste my energy." Tipid na sagot ko. Makabulohang ngumiti ang professor sa akin kaya pinanatili ko ang kawalan ng emosiyon. Lumipat ang mic sa tapat ni Hunter.
"Well I think It's impossible to find my own balloon in those see of students with a limited time to spare. She's right, It's going to be a wast of time." Sabi nito gamit ang baritonong boses.
"How about you young man." Professor said pertaining to Noah. He gulped.
"I-Im afraid it already popped." Nauutal na sabi nito. I've seen him bitting his lips and I feel something is wrong. He looks worried, afraid, and determine at the same time. I wonder what's running in his mind right now.
"Well in that point, I want you all to take the first ballon that you find and handed it to the person whose name was written on it. I'll give you another 5 minutes to do it." Muli ay utos ng professor. Nagsimula ang timer at kaniya kaniyang dumampot ng lobo ang mga estudyante. Ako naman ay humakbang ng ilan palapit sa kumpol ng mga lobo ng humampas ang malakas na hangin. Nagawi sa aking pwesto ang isang lobo na may pamilyar na pangalan. Dinampot ko iyon at dahan dahang tinahak ang pagitan namin ng biglang may tumawag sa pangalan ko.
"Hey Miller." I look at the woman standing right infront of me. She was not wearing Young Ville's uniform but instead a white plain tees na gaya ng suot ng mga stuff. She's holding a balloon in her hands and I can clearly see my name written on it.
"It's yours." Aniya saka binigyan ako ng isang ngiti. Humakbang siya palapit sa akin at inalis nito ang itim na sumbrero niyang suot dahilan upang mas lalo kung mapagmasdan ang kaniyang mukha. Halos mapatiunod ako sa aking pwesto ng makita ko ang repleksiyon ni Kuya Ellison sa kaniyang mukha. Mula sa kulay ng balat, korte ng mukha at hugis ng ilong, mata, at bibig ay tila walang pinagkaiba sa namatay kong kapatid. Tila isa niya itong babaeng version.
"Ellison" pabulong na banggit ko dahil tila bumuhos sa akin ngayon ang pangungulila sa kaniya.
Muli nanaman siyang ngumiti dahilan upang mas lalong bumakas ang malalim nitong dimple sa pisngi walang pinagkaiba sa aking kuya.
"Hindi dapat ako kasali kaso napahid ng hangin itong lobo mo sa gawi ko kaya heto, sayo na." aniya sabay abot sa akin ng lobo. Hindi makagalaw ang katawan ko para tanggapin iyon. Tila na gagapus ako sa aking pwesto.
"Here." Aniya at siyang kusang kinuha ang kamay ko at iniwan duon ang dilaw na lobo saka siya nag simulang maglakad na muli palayo. Ipinikit ko ang aking mga mata at ikinalma ang sarili.
"Liv." Hindi pa nakakatagal ay iminulat ko na muli ang mata ko.
"That's mine right?" salubong na tanong ni Noah sa akin. He was smiling but far different from the way he smiles before. This time, it feels empty and untrue.
"Can I have it?" he ask, pertaining to the balloon I was holding which fortunately has his name.
"O-ofcourse." Sagot ko saka mabilis na ibinigay sa kaniya ang lobo.
"I'm glad it didn't popped and I'm happy you're the one who got it." He said and I can't find any words to say. Right after he turns his back at me the timer ended. Bumalik na kami sa dating pwesto and I can see everyone's now are holding their own balloons. The professor once again smiles and said;
"These ballons are like happiness. We can never find it with a small period of time if we are going to look for our own. But if we care about other people's happiness we'll find ours too. That is why emotion has formed, because people are connected. You are not born to forever live alone. You can't do everything on your own. But I tell you, it's okay to be lonely as long as you didn't intended to stay."
"To those person here right now who's suffering from depression, anxiety, loneliness, and sadness. I know it's hard. I know how you keep yourself from crying everynight because of the pain you are going through. But also remember that life is beautiful. Life is full of amazing things. Free yourself from the chain that has been holding you. Don't hesitate to tell someone about what you feel. I know there is someone who is ready to listen from all of your pain, and won't even judge you. All you need is someone to talk to, to share your problems with. But also remember that God is always here, ready to listen from all of your rants, to save you from your very own battle. You are loved, prioritized, special, worthy, and wonderful. May your hearts be filled with joy. God bless you!" Imbis na malakas na palakpakan ang mamutawi katahimikan ang nanaig.
No one claps but I know deep in our heart is the loud cheering of thankfulness. His words may not directly for me but I feel like I've been consoled. The questions and confussion I had this weeks has been clearly answered. Though I still find difficult to understand but I know atleast I can try. Siguro nga ang dami nang nangyari sa buhay ko sa kabilang ng aking edad. I feel messirable since then kahit pa alam ng puso ko na ang gusto ko lamang ay maging masaya. Natatakot akong masaktan hanggang sa hindi ko na napansin na maging ang sarili ko ay nasasaktan ko na rin pala. All this time, I've been hurting myself. Inilalayo ko ang sarili ko sa mga bagay at tao na pwedeng makapag pabago ng mundo ko.
Alam ko mahirap parin, hindi ko parin matukoy kong sino ang mga pwede kong pagkatiwalaan but I won't hurry things. Gusto ko munang patawarin ang sarili ko because I know now I've come to realize that I was the first to forget to say sorry to myself. There are days when I'll let her relax and stop pressuring her to accomplish anything once I have the opportunity to show how sorry I am for myself. She has been chasing me for years, and I will occasionally let her mourn for all the tears we've decided to bury but were unable to permanently bury. It has been chasing me for the pain I ignored since I used to believe that by doing so, it never happened at all.
I have a lot of self-repair to do. I want to welcome happiness again, even though I know that my suffering is not yet over and that I have a long way to go before I heal.
I refuse to allow others to dictate me what actions to take or compile a record of my transgressions. I refuse to allow the darkness to dominate me as I stand here. I have to tell people that death itself is standing motionless. It is worthless, lifeless, and meaningless.
Muli ay mahigpit kong nilukot ang papel na pinadala sa akin ni Tito Ricardo bago pa magsimula ang field trip. It was the search result for Detective Julius Romero.
He is the brother of Officer Christopher Sanchez, the same guy who found me guilty sixteen years prior. My conscience is his brother, but he is also my worst opponent. Siya ang kinasusuklaman ko at sinisisi sa lahat nang nangyari sa buhay ko. When I was younger, I wanted to kill this man. But now that I am able to see him in person, I just want to ask him a question. Why?