NINETEEN
Lana Del Rey | Dance Till we Die
Reign Gusev is my life. It's clear that it's no longer my own. I'm still trying to soak in that I have no other option but to survive with such a possessive, psychotic, handsome, narcissistic man. I don't believe I have anymore room to cry, apart of me has already died—but who was I kidding? I wouldn't be able to control my future breakdowns, I guarantee I will soon implode.
I will never ever do anything to experience almost drowning on a table or being hung over a cliff again. Why couldn't he just let me be? I was truly terrified of Reign. Every frightening thing he promised would happen, happened!
There's a little part of me holding me back I can't fully turn away from. No matter how numb or broken I feel towards Reign, his touch triggers excitement throughout my body. I get a high off him, how dangerous he is knowing no one in the world has greater power than him.
Not a soul would dare to help me, no one. This man will become my ruin, my complete utter self destruction, and I would with open arms gladly let him.
"My little sunshine, I always dream of seeing your tiny face, being able to witness your tight baby scrunch, your little button nose, your chunky cheeks. I'm so sorry," my voice breaks, "but, your mom is in a really bad place mentally and emotionally. I can't take care of you the way I need to. I want you to know I loved you the first time I found out there's a little someone growing in there." I whispered out feeling a rain of sad emotions cloud over me.
A single tear fell to the crease of my nose, until it became uncontrollable. I stood before a mirror slowly rubbing my palms across my growing lower stomach. I've recently had flashbacks of everything that took place months ago, Tommie, my mother all of it.
One of my biggest fears was failure in disappointing my dad. I grew up somewhat a ghost in my own home, and to put the icing on the cake the only child. My mom did the best she could raising me, my dad emotionally broke her throughout their relationship, and for the last time when we found out he was in a tragic accident lead to his death during surgery.
I still remember that unforgettable night in the waiting room. They rushed him to start operating, dad had internal bleeding that erupted in his brain, for them to stop the bleeding the doctor's only option was to take parts of his frontal lobe. A human can't really live a long life without it since it controls your movements and speech. My father shortly flat lined.
Hours later we got the news my mother hyperventilated then collapsed on the floor, damaged and heartbroken for the last time. My fathers last words to me that morning were, do not disappoint me Amina, graduate college to your fullest potential— I know you have it in you.
My story changed into a completely different direction, so has my biggest fears.
With my heart beating fast through my chest, I can say I'm deeply afraid of having my baby, and eventually dying at the hands of its father.
"AMINA YOUR BLEEDING!" I moderately heard Stassie's yell that shook me out my trance. I begun feeling the blood rush down my leg while my stomach started cramping. I shakily reach down to touch it, to see dark blood paint my finger tips. I didn't fight the darkness my eyelids feel weighted shut, I welcome it.
•••
I awake with a dull pain underlying the numbness in my lower stomach. My chest feels heavy as if the air I'm breathing is thick. My every last thought in high definition. My eyes take in every ray of light and without a doubt I know I've slept too long.
I quickly scan the room, Stassie, Irina and Amaya stood around my bed chatting quietly amongst themselves. I'm laying in my bed with a IV attached to my arm, and the only question I want to know is my baby dead?
Irina was first to look up at me,"She's up! Guys look." I painfully swallowed as there talking died down. Nobody said anything just looked at me with pure sorrow.
"Amina are you alright honey, how do you feel?" Amaya carefully asked. I stayed still, refocusing my vision on Irina. Why is she here?
She continues noticing my unspoken question,"The elders of the Gusev family is in town, I'm not sure why but as you know we will eventually find out. We were told as soon as you awoke to ask for Reign."
I looked towards the ceiling attempting to push back my tears. I have no choice but to face him, would he blame me for this?
"Ami." That husky voice I've grown accustomed to hearing sent cold tingles down my spine. He walked in with the doctor radiating dominance, the darkness around him should be more than enough warning for me. I gently sat up facing him.
"Leave us." He ordered the girls out the room. "How do you feel?" He stood by my bedside taking my shivering hand into his.
I hoarsely responded, "Okay for the moment."
He softly laid a kiss on my forehead, "Good, I want you to be awake and alert for what he's about to ask you."
I reset my vision onto the doctor, "Ms Gusev, it appears you're experiencing a miscarriage in your first trimester, first I would like to offer my condolences to the both of you." The tears I was trying to hold no longer stood a chance. I looked up at Reign he was already plainly staring down at me.
"I was instructed by your husband to run a blood test and we found high doses of misoprostol running through your bloodstream which are high risk abortion pills. Does this sound familiar to you Ms Gusev."
At this moment, the only thing I could hear is my heart beat increasing and my chest crushed it's as if I'm floating through space. My palms are sweating as I stare ahead at nothing in particular, afraid to face Reign.
"Amina." I flinched turning to him as the hold he had on my hand grew tighter. I looked into his darkened and slightly amused eyes sending apologies through my clouded ones.
"Answer his question."
I shook my head taking in a deep breathe before crying out, "p-please don't hurt me." I whispered squeezing his hand in fear. He kissed my forehead once more before bending down to whisper in my ear.
"You my beautiful are truly one of a kind. I have a dinner to host tonight, I will let them know you won't be able to join us but instead tomorrow for brunch, you must rest now. Once they leave tomorrow night you and I will have our much needed talk. Da?" He kissed my ear, my cheek then finally my nose.
"R-Reign please I—," he walked away expressionless with the doctor discussing quietly. I watched the doors shut leaving me in deep thoughts and plenty tears.
•••
I heard the door opened then close, as I face the window, "Amina are you awake?"
I snuggle in the sheets more covering my mouth letting the rest of my tears silently fall, bring the plush sheets to my ears.
"Stassie." I called out. "It's my fault what happened to Tommie. I never got to tell you I'm so sorry." I cried out drying my face.
She walked over to sit on the chair closest to the bed. She leaned forward resting her chin on her clasped hands.
"I lost a close friend to violence, I finally got myself to stop crying about it so please stop blaming yourself Amina." Her voice broke.
"I-I don't think I can survive this anymore, I lost my baby." There was a silence after I spoke those words. I looked up to see Stassie staring at me saddened and concerned.
"W-what do you mean, what are you going to—?" She managed to hold my gaze in slight disbelief shaking her head after I reached in the dresser pulling out a loaded firearm.
I leaned against the headboard holding the cold metal in the palm of my hands. I never seen a gun this close before, such dangerous piece of metal, this gun may have killed people before it has history.
"Amina." She whispered pulling me out my small daydream. She's already crying, "don't do this okay I will—,"
I cut her sentence off, "I found this gun in the bathroom cabinets. I stood staring at it before hiding it in my shirt then ran to quickly put in the draw. I figured Reign has tons of other weapons already so why would he need this one right? I'm not suicidal but I've thought about it other times in my life before. Before my dad died he would drown me into being this overachiever even when he wouldn't show up. My mom left me behind, confused and still confused, and now Reign destroying my life. This is what the universe had planned for me a lifetime of hurting."
I felt Stassie reach out to put her hand on my leg, I struggled to take my eyes off the firearm, "Listen to me okay? You don't get to feel like you have to be strong at this moment. I bet you feel like your world is breaking into pieces, trust me I get it. I maybe the most cliche blonde but we are allowed to feel our emotions. Growing up with family members always reminding you to not let your family down, yes I understand. So me telling you that this is what makes you stronger is complete bullshit. What happened to you was unfair Amina, I don't want to see you hurt yourself, I'm so sorry about your baby. Please just let me be your best friend."
We dried our faces sniffling away the rest of our tears, "now fucking put the gun away, are you insane?!" And Stassie is back.
"I would tell you about this family I got to meet but I'd rather sit here in silence with you for your sweet baby. So move over." A closed lip smile reached my face as I received one back. I moved over in the bed for her to get under the covers, we both looked towards the ceiling in quietness.