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"Well," Jisung pauses, hands on his mug carefully, eyes focused on his trailing fingers that slightly dance around the ceramic cup in his grasp. "I want to know what you like to do, your hobbies, your favorite color, your favorite song-"
"My favorite color?" Minho raises a brow almost unenthusiastically, and Jisung immediately rushes to defend his choice of words.
"We can't forget the friends part of being. . y'know." The label on their relationship wasn't something he wanted to openly admit to the public around him, not that anyone would be listening to two bickering males who were interested enough in each other, especially when they had coffee in their hands in an innocent enough shop.
"You act like what we are is the devil itself." Minho sighs, watching Jisung recoil in his seat dramatically.
"You're acting like it's okay to just throw the term around." Jisung raises his brow, leaning forwards with his elbows on the wooden table. "Also, it's no one else's business. I don't like people knowing intimate things about me."
"Is that right?" Minho's lips raise into a smirk, hand held around his cup, tilting the drink towards his lips as he watches Jisung's face fall in realization.
"NO! No. Not like that, idiot." The younger's expression is coated in redness, and Minho can't help but giggle.
"Okay, okay, enough back tracking." Minho sets his cup back down, watching Jisung lean back into his chair. "My favorite color is anything monochromatic. Black, or white, just anything like that."
"That. . . sounds a lot like you." Jisung smiles, but Minho doesn't ask as to why Jisung thought that.
"What's yours?"
"Red." Jisung watches Minho nod his head, eyes avoiding him.
"And that sounds exactly like you."
"See? We're great friends already."
Minho smiles, teeth grasping the inside of his cheek. He hated how warm he felt around Jisung, but there was just something around the younger that Minho couldn't resist feeling a magnetic pull towards. It was like an electric current, strong and willing, always dragging Minho's attention back towards him as if he were a light in barren darkness. He really did hate how it felt, but didn't bother to store away any of the feelings that rose with the beat of his heart. "And my hobby? Well, I told you that. I dance a lot in my free time and I enjoy working out. Otherwise, I'm a foodie, I like to cook on days I'm not absolutely exhausted from my job. I also have three cats that I really enjoy taking care of, so-"
"You have three cats?" Jisung's intrigued. Minho looks upwards after subconsciously looking down at his hands while rambling, a subtle smile hinted on his lips as he watches Jisung seemingly internally scream with excitement from the idea of Minho having three furry creatures living at his apartment.
"Yeah. They're all rescues and I really like having them around. They're quiet and actually really affectionate, but they can be picky with certain people. They don't like Chan or Hyunjin much, though."
"Can I meet them?" Jisung almost rushes, slightly cringing at himself at the haste associated with his own tone.
"I mean, if you want to. Don't be surprised if they hate you or hide the entire time. They can be really skittish with new people."
"That's okay. I just can't believe you have cats."
"Am I not the type, or?"
"Not really," Jisung smiles at him. "It makes you seem a lot softer than your exterior. You have a brooding aura about you, you know that right? You're really intimidating."
"I know that. It's on purpose."
"Oh." Jisung sinks into his chair slightly, almost a bit dejected.
"I do that because I get hit on a lot at the bar. Not saying that I didn't want you to hit on me or anything, by the way, but it just happens a lot so I just try to make myself unapproachable."
"Yeah, it makes sense."
"But, besides your musical genius, what do you do?" Minho takes another sip of his coffee, tapping his cup with his finger as he feels the drink near the bottom. He didn't realize he had drunk almost the entire cup, but he was also surprised at the fact that he was not feeling the buzz of the caffeine yet.
"I read sometimes or play video games. Most of the time I'm writing lyrics, composing, or just playing on my guitar. I try to go out, like I've told you, but I really don't have much time to myself."
"I'm glad you made time for me," Minho slightly smiles at him, watching Jisung's cheek tint with subtle redness again.
"I wanted to get to know you better. I'm glad you opened up a bit, so, thanks for sharing stuff with me."
"Spending this time with you like this has been nice." Minho settles on after a moment of thinking, leaning forward in his chair slightly, fingers wrapping around his cup. "Speaking of my cats though, I do have to get home and check on them. But I promise that I will call you, alright?"
"I'll hold you to that, Minho." Jisung winks at him playfully, watching the elder snicker and bite back a smile.
"Alright. Oh shit," Minho looks down, pointing to the hoodie on his chest. "I still have your hoodie on."
"And I have your button up at my apartment. We're even, and plus, you can't forget about me when you have that on. So now you really have to call me."
"As if I'd forget you." Minho flirts sneakily, causing Jisung to twitch in his seat in slight shock.
Minho rises from his chair, grabbing his nearly empty cup with his gaze trained on Jisung.
"I'll talk to you soon, 'kay?"
"Yeah. See you." Jisung smiles, watching the elder leave after throwing away his empty cup without another word or another glance.
He hates that he feels immediate loneliness stir in his stomach, wanting to run after Minho and go visit his apartment, but that also feels as if it'd be too much too fast. He was confused, as one should be, only being fucking "friends with benefits" with a guy like Minho. He knew he had no room in his schedule for a committed relationship, not when he can barely pay any attention to himself or his disgraceful apartment. Felix would surely give him an earful if he added anything more to his plate just to send him into a further state of depression and suffering. But that was an issue for another time.
For now, he could just enjoy having a sexual partner, putting all of his energy into his music and making money, saving and saving until he could move the hell out of his shitty apartment. That was his only goal, surely. It had to be. There was no room for feelings, no room for commitment, no room for anything else but himself. Yeah, it was selfish, but he spent so long being someone else's punching bag that it was time he focused on himself only. Seungmin was the one who forced that lifestyle on him two years ago, and since then, he has refused to return back to his people-pleasing habits.
But as he sits in the quiet cafe, sipping away at his luke-warm coffee that tastes slightly like they added too much cinnamon, he finds himself unable to stop thinking about Minho. He crafted a connection with probably one of the hottest bartenders in Seoul, not to mention that he's a fucking dancer and liked Jisung enough to have sex with him not once, but twice. As a cherry on top to his seriously messed up cake, Minho wanted to see him again.
That thought would ruin him for the week.
Seriously, Jisung thinks, what the fuck am I getting myself into?
The week passes without word or an ounce of intimacy, leaving Jisung back where he was, glued to his desk chair with his eyes stuck on his computer monitor. He was leaning into hour eight of working on this same track, constantly flipping through previous notes and strings, working through the rut he felt himself stay stuck in ever since he met Minho.
Jisung didn't want to bother the elder by any means, knowing that he worked late during the weekdays, but also because he didn't want to seem so eager about hooking up with him again. If he had to be honest with himself, he did want to see Minho again. However, he was never the clingy type to begin with, and he really did not want to be seen as a fling.
Flings tend to have endings, and Jisung didn't necessarily want any of what they were doing to stop. It was a fleeting hope, especially since Jisung hadn't heard from Minho since he left the cafe a few days ago, but he just had to assume that he was simply busy.
So he continues to occupy himself, throwing the trash from his mediocre lunch off onto the couch, dirtying his space once again, but not to the extent that it was before his friends helped him clean. He was grateful that Seungmin and Felix cared about him enough to keep him from diving back into unpleasant habits, but whenever they were not around, he fell right back into his routine without fail.
But, as always, something was prone to interrupt his quiet time. His eyes shoot towards his vibrating phone, dreadful and looming with regret as he glances at the name appearing on screen, succumbing to the pressure of answering versus not answering. So, he grabs his phone, tilting it towards his ear as he answers the call unenthusiastically.
"Felix? What's up?"
"Hey! Are you busy?"
"Kind of. Just working like usual."
"Sorry to bug you, but I'm like two minutes away from your apartment. Can I bother you with my company for a bit?"
"Oh! I mean, yeah. I can leave the door open for you."
"Thanks, Ji. I'm bringing coffee as a gift, too."
"God, what are you? An angel?"
"Just someone who cares about you. See you soon."
"See you." Jisung hangs up the call, placing his phone flat on his desk as he spins around in his chair, rising from his seat as he strolls towards his front door. Felix didn't normally swing by without reason, so the thought of something possibly being wrong drives Jisung slightly crazy. He was worried, but only slightly, trying to not let it overtake his sudden happiness to see his friend on a random weekday. Though, it would conflict with his will to keep working, and he really needed to release this track before rent was due.
However, he had been having issues with this track long before this, choosing to work on anything else before trying to finish this track in question. It wasn't a bad song by any means, and what was different about it was that it wasn't a remix, it was something Jisung was trying to produce by himself. It was melodic with a bounce and hip-hop tunes, but it screamed for lyrics that Jisung nearly refused to write. Something about happiness radiated through the tone, but he could not be fucked to bother writing lyrics when he's hardly happy about anything.
Sure enough, two minutes pass and Felix is at Jisung's door, waiting for his friend to swing the door open as he stands with two coffees in his hand.
"Lix," Jisung smiles, standing to the side to let his blonde friend inside.
"Sorry to interrupt your work. I got out early and I just needed to talk to someone," Felix sighs, walking into Jisung's apartment. Jisung closes the door, turning to follow Felix's trek into his home, watching him set down each drink on the kitchen island before turning around, a once friendly face now simmering with dejected hope.
"Hey, what happened? Is it Hyunjin?"
"Yeah." Felix's gaze drops, hands finding each other in anxious touches.
"Come on, let's go sit. Tell me everything." Jisung waves for Felix to follow him, hand being held out as Felix turns to grab Jisung's coffee, handing over the caffeinated drink before following closely until they arrive at Jisung's bed. Felix settles down, coffee in hand, eyes blinking as he tries to understand his own actions.
Jisung sits down next to him, taking a sip of his coffee with a surprised hum, noticing that Felix had bought him exactly what he usually ordered.
"Did you remember my entire coffee order from years ago?"
"Yeah," Felix smiles at him. "We are best friends, silly."
"I know," Jisung rolls his eyes. "I'm just surprised, is all. But, uh, thank you, for this."
"Don't thank me yet-" Felix takes a drink of his own coffee. "There's a shit storm brewing in my life right now."
"Tell me what's going on."
This all started a year ago. Felix had met Hyunjin at a local club when he was visiting with his other friends, drinking and dancing the weekend away to relieve himself of the stress of applying for new jobs. Felix had a fashion degree, doing his best to work at some sort of company that sold magazines or made clothes, but every job he applied for had rejected him outright. He didn't have enough experience, or he didn't have enough concise ways of writing an advertisement, blah, blah, blah. It was all shit Felix had heard before, but he never gave up trying.
However, he did need some time to relax. He was caught up in the stress of being rejected time after time, so he begged his university friends to drag him out to some nightclub, listening to them continuously order drink after drink on their tab just for him. Jeongin and Changbin were something else, but he had no room to argue. Jeongin was in the same boat as him, but was looking to model instead, giving up on his dreams to design anything. Changbin was a hopeless producer just like Jisung, and Felix thought to introduce the two, but never got around to it before Changbin moved across the city.
Felix was about five drinks in, dancing around in the crowd of men and women, chatting up anyone who approached him, but never thinking anything more into their intentions as he decided to ignore their advances and continue dancing around with his friends.
The minute a long haired, taller male approached with puffed lips and smudged eyeliner, Felix found himself intrigued. Hyunjin was sweet and intoxicating, doused in cologne and wearing a very revealing top with ripped denim jeans. He was covered in jewelry pieces, fingers wrapped in silver rings and neck holding at least three different necklaces, a few piercings dangling from his ears evenly. Felix was in a trance, bowing to Hyunjin's every will and move, grinding filthily against him and leaving teasing kisses against the elder's jaw.
Hyunjin and Felix went home together that night, feeling and tasting one another through the night until exhaustion pulls over them when the sun rises. They agreed to keep seeing one another, settling into a relationship that was both loving and intimate, but it was fast and falling, leaving Felix with unrequited feelings that Hyunjin failed to reciprocate. Felix gave him chance after chance, falling into a loop of arguments and make-up sex, which only spurred a toxic relationship.
Felix refused to let go, trying to remain friends with Hyunjin, but he always found himself crying over Hyunjin's instagram posts with other men and women, forming insecurities about himself with the standard of being unloved and only useful for his body and nothing more. The fear was only rooted deeper when his new job only started using him for columns and never crediting him for them, so he leaves that job too and ends up sleeping on Jisung's couch for weeks at a time.
Jisung never asked him to leave and really insisted on him staying, watching movies and cheering him up, doing his best to help Felix through whatever depressive episode he was in.
Admittedly, Felix did miss Hyunjin. Three months ago, Felix did call it quits with Hyunjin, claiming that he wasn't capable of some sort of friends with benefits type of relationship, keeping his heart isolated from any more pain that came from its source. Hyunjin didn't seem to object, but would come crawling back two weeks later and Felix would let him.
The pattern continued, and Felix barely tried to stop it, falling further and further into a worse habit than Jisung's insomniac work schedule.
"So, this time, after the club, he told me that he actually had feelings for me. I didn't know how to respond. It's been a month of this shit, and I don't know if I still feel the same."
"Did you sleep with him recently?" Jisung asks, watching Felix roll his eyes to turn his gaze away. "Felix. Seriously?"
"I did, Ji. But you took home, what's his name? Minho? Didn't you?"
"Yeah I did. But, that's really not the point here. Why would you sleep with him again?"
"I was drunk and he was there and he insisted on coming back with me." Felix shrugs. "I really wanted to be close to someone and I like how he makes me feel."
"But do you still like him? Or do you just like sleeping with him?"
"God, Jisung." Felix turns to look at him again, pouting and clearly confused. "I don't know."
"Well, I can help you get your mind off of it. Only if you want me to."
"Anything. Please." Felix takes another drink of his coffee.
"Well, I did bring Minho back here." Jisung's fingers tap the side of his coffee as he stares into it, feeling Felix's eyes trail back towards him. "He told me he used to date Seungmin. Did you know that?"
"No, I didn't." Felix's brows pinch together in confusion. "He just told me that his ex was an asshole."
"He told me that too. But, I'm not sure if said asshole was Minho. I hope not, I really don't want to be banging his shitty ex."
"Oh god, you knew he was Seungmin's ex and you still had sex with him?"
"Well. . . when you put it like that-"
"Jisung." Felix drawls, closing his eyes with disappointment lingering in his tone.
"I was drunk! And he offered. . well, I guess that's not technically true."
"What part of it?" Felix looks up at him again, head slightly tilted to the side.
"I was drunk the first time." Jisung squints, feeling Felix basically stare a hole into the side of his head.
"There was a second time?"
"I wanted to take a shower and he decided to join me. So sue me. I wanted to have sex with him again."
"I guess we gotta find out what happened with Seungmin or what his past is. I don't think we should tell Seungmin that you slept with him, yet."
"I really didn't plan on telling him, besides-" Jisung bites his tongue for a moment, pondering the possibility of telling Seungmin the truth, but his brows furrow the second he imagines it. "Do you honestly think he'd care?"
"He will." Felix deadpans.
"Ah, fuck." Jisung closes his eyes.
"We're both a mess." Felix chuckles quietly, taking another sip.
"Yeah." Jisung wants to keep his relationship with Minho a secret, but the thought of hiding his life from Seungmin and Felix makes his skin crawl, so he decides to keep spilling his secrets, hoping to distract his friend from whatever traumatizing relationship he had with Hyunjin. "Minho and I are friends with benefits, I guess. Or whatever you want to call it."
"Oh, that's even worse."
"I'm not gonna tell Minnie, alright? Plus, Minho hasn't even called me. It's been about a week, so who knows? I might never see him again."
"Do you want to see him again at least?" Felix asks curiously, and Jisung smiles subtly.
"I do. He's actually really sweet. That's partially the reason why I can't imagine he's Seungmin's ex. Given I don't know too much about him, but the guy has three cats. I don't think anyone who has three cats is an asshole. He's rescued all of them too, so that's an even bigger green flag there."
"He doesn't sound like an asshole, but who knows? It was like two years ago, so, people change."
"Did Hyunjin change?" Jisung asks without thinking and he instantly recoils at the words that tumbled from his tongue. Somehow, Felix doesn't seem bothered by the question and answers anyways.
"No, he's still mostly the same. Just maybe a bit more attentive than usual."
"Well," Jisung sets his coffee down on the floor, off to the right and a couple inches from his feet, leaning back into his mattress. "Sounds like we have shitty lovers, then."
"We do." Felix follows suit, setting down his drink and leaning backwards, settled next to Jisung as they both stare aimlessly into his badly painted ceiling. "You should call him."
"Call who?" Jisung's head turns towards Felix, gaze trained in confusion.
"Minho. You like him, and I can tell that you miss him."
"How?" Jisung watches Felix start to laugh, eyes avoiding him still.
"You talked about the guy as if he was sent from God himself, and you really would not shut up about his cats."
"I talked about him for like. . . a minute, at most. What makes you think I miss him?"
"You have a certain brightness in your eyes when you talk about him." Felix turns towards him finally, expression suddenly unreadable. "I used to have that when I talked about Hyunjin."
"Lix," Jisung frowns, but Felix smiles at him.
"Go call him. I need a moment to think about my own damn feelings, alright? Then you can come back and we can watch a movie and we can ignore our love lives for a bit."
"Are you sure? You look really sad right now and I don't wanna leave you alone-"
"I'm fine. Let me be a sad puppy for a minute. Go get your man, please."
"He's not my man," Jisung laughs, gently shoving Felix's arm. "But alright. Fine. I'll be back in a minute."
Jisung rises from the bed, pushing himself off and trudging towards his desk, grabbing his face down phone as he strolls towards the front door of his apartment and steps outside, making sure the door was barely cracked open. The hall is empty, riddled with closed doors and quiet. Jisung hates to be the neighbor that talks outside of his apartment at random hours of the day, but Felix was insistent that he calls, so he does exactly that.
The line rings painfully long, and Jisung practically debates on hanging up until it stops ringing, and a deep voice smoothes through the speaker of his phone.
"Hello?"
"Minho?"
"Jisung?"
"Yeah, yeah. It's me, sorry to bother you."
"No, it's okay actually. I'm headed into work at the moment, though. What's up?"
"I just haven't heard from you. I was a little worried."
"I'm sorry, Jisung. I've been working a bit more because someone else called off so I've been doing doubles recently. I just haven't had time to do anything except sleep, eat, and work."
"I'm sorry. Do you have time off soon?"
"I have tomorrow off, thankfully. I really could use the sleep."
"I'd offer to come over and distract you, but I wouldn't want to impose on your rest at all."
"No, no. I want company. Chan has been bugging me all week to go drink with him and Hyunjin again, but I really cannot be asked to. I'd like to sit at home and relax-" Minho cuts himself off briefly, almost stuck on whatever he was going to say. Jisung remains patient, waiting for whatever time Minho needs to process his thoughts. "Did you want to come over tonight?"
"Yeah, yeah! Sure. What time?"
"I get off at eleven again, the usual. I can send you the address if you want."
"Sure. I'll be there. Take it easy at work, hyung."
"I'll do my best. See you later, Jisung."
"Yeah." Jisung smiles, hanging up the phone before staring out into the hall without thought, lingering on the idea of seeing Minho later. He was excited, and possibly a bit flustered, but somewhere inside of him he's thankful he called.
Jisung opens the door again, closing it behind him once he steps inside, phone shoved into the depth of his pocket as he strolls towards the bed, eyeing Felix who was staring at his phone without an expression.
"What did your phone ever do to you to warrant that kind of stare?"
"Hyunjin texted me." Felix tosses his phone off somewhere onto the bed, hands reaching up towards his face as he hides his eyes, avoiding the certain judgment from Jisung that lay waiting for him.
"What did he say?"
"He wants to see me tomorrow." Felix mumbles against his hands, now suddenly dragging them down his skin, fighting off any type of anger or resentment that lay within his gaze.
"Did you say yes?"
"I didn't say anything yet." Felix turns to look at Jisung, thankful that all Jisung's eyes held was concern with no ounce of judgment waiting for him.
"I'm not gonna tell you yes or no." Jisung sits down on the bed next to him, reaching for Felix's phone to set it down gently on his stomach. "Just do what feels right. Don't force it."
"Okay." Felix smiles at Jisung, holding his arms up and spread out, hands waving in grabbing motions. Jisung smiles back, leaning down and giving into Felix's need for a hug, letting his friend embrace his body gently. Jisung doesn't hug his friends often, especially in this context, but Felix was his closest friend and looked like he really needed someone right now. Jisung wasn't going to deny him that.
"Ready to watch a movie?" Felix mumbles.
"Yeah. Your pick."
"Fine." Felix sighs, gently pushing Jisung off of him to sit upright, placing his phone tentatively into his pocket without a sparing glance.
They spring onto their feet, walking towards the couch that Felix willingly scolds Jisung for, noticing the garbage almost immediately, berating his friend for his laziness. Jisung apologizes over and over again, cleaning the couch of every last wrapper and crumb before Felix sits down willingly, grabbing for the remote. Jisung cleans up their nearly empty coffee cups, snagging water bottles from his fridge before handing one off to Felix, sitting down on the couch next to him with his eyes trained to his television. It's only then that Jisung notices his computer was still on, humming silently with glowing LEDs around his tower's fans. His music program was still open, still stuck on the same frame of music he had been staring at all morning to no avail. Felix barely pays attention and Jisung is thankful, almost unaware of the track's title nearly highlighted near the top. Want So Bad.
Jisung doesn't want to think about it. Not now, not really ever. It's too upbeat and too happy, everything he really wasn't right now. So maybe he needs a muse. Maybe he needs someone to control that part of his brain to give him motivation, but it all feels meaningless.
Felix picks a movie without issue, leaning into the couch with a huffed sigh of contempt, listening carefully to the movie's soundtrack as it plays. Jisung was partially distracted, more so by the idea of seeing his overly attractive friend later instead of the unforgiving music track. He almost wants to text Minho, but he chooses not to. He'd come off as too keen; too eager. There's no way he could keep Minho interested in him if he all of the sudden turns needy.
It's only then that he reminds himself that he really does not need a boyfriend, and he explicitly told Minho that. Minho agreed with his sentiment, so he knew that their feelings were somewhat mutual, and the sex was great. That was all there was to it. Just friends, getting each other off, and remaining just friends.
Somehow Jisung was okay with that, but there was a better part of his conscience that was rooted with something different, laced with wanting and hope. Jisung chooses to ignore it nonetheless.
"I texted him back," Felix sighs once the movie was over and the credits rolled past, leaving Jisung to turn towards him expectantly. "I asked him if we could talk before we continued any kind of relationship."
"So it wasn't a yes, and it wasn't a no." Jisung nods. "That's good. It's a gray area."
"Yeah." Felix turns towards him, a soft smile curling on his lips. "I hope he and I can figure it out."
"Oh?" Jisung grins, watching Felix blink down at his hands, toying with the hem of his shirt.
"Thank you for listening to me."
"Of course." Jisung nods his head at him. "I'm always here to listen to you."
"You're going to visit Minho soon, right?" Felix asks softly, watching Jisung hum yes in return. "Be careful. Don't get caught up in feelings you don't want, Ji. Don't let what happened to me happen to you."
"Nah," Jisung leans into his couch a bit more, relaxed and stern with his decision. "We have an agreement to have no feelings involved. We'll be alright. It's just sex."
"Is it?" Felix watches Jisung's body grow rigid, and he suddenly regrets pressing a sensitive topic.
"I-It is." Jisung affirms, a slight hesitance radiating in his tone.
"Okay. I trust you." Felix rises from his couch, smiling down at his friend. "Just be safe, alright?"
"Yeah, yeah. Call me if you need me tomorrow." Jisung's head turns to follow Felix as he strides towards the front door, putting his shoes back on and reaching for his keys from the kitchen island.
"Bye!" Felix waves, heading out the door after Jisung replies right back with the same sentiment.
Once the door closes, Jisung turns back around on the couch, eyes staring at his computer monitors that rest openly, still showing the same track that he had been mentally avoiding the last few hours. He just wanted to see Minho, and he could finally admit that to himself.
Maybe it was all he needed to mentally reset himself. Yeah. Surely that was all he needed.