behold a chapter and a vent
quote of the day: "dont judge a person's past and their mistakes. judge them on who they are now, not before. otherwise, doesnt that make us all bad people?"
I like you.
Those three simple words constantly replayed in his mind. Riki had stayed up countless hours thinking about and somehow, he couldn't just get it out of his mind.
Just as they were starting to become normal again, he just had to screw everything up. Again.
He threw his pillow at the wall in frustration. Why did he even kiss her in the first place? He shouldn't have done it in the first place. It only ruined everything.
Who was he kidding anyway? Who kisses someone to make someone go away? It sounded like a pretty stupid and lame excuse to him. Riki didn't blame Hyewon for the way she reacted afterward.
But for some reason, in the heat of the moment, he felt compelled to reach over and close in the distance between their lips. Why? He kept asking himself that over and over to no avail.
She liked him. Did he like her too? Was that what drove him to that moment? As he pondered over the question, he only felt more confused than ever. Was it the reason behind his actions? The more he thought about it, the more he thought that Hyewon was justified in the way he acted.
What was there to like about him anyway? Riki couldn't comprehend how a strong-willed woman like her liked him. There were plenty of other people that were more suitable. Why him?
He hadn't really thought of expanding their relationship beyond a formal charge and hired personnel. Maybe that was why he was so lost.
Riki heaved a sigh before getting up, his fingers grazing the bookshelf, looking for a particular book on the shelf that he borrowed not so long ago. When he found it, he carefully pulled it out of the shelf and sat back down.
The Art of Love.
He flipped through the pages absent-mindedly before stopping at an eye-catching headline.
How to Know You're in Love.
Love is an interesting little thing. It's more complex than most and sometimes, we can't really choose who we love. It's the core of all things. Wars have been fought over love. Fights. We all desire, deep inside, to be loved and understood. Love's a fickle thing that could make us do things we wouldn't do normally. It can drive a person to pure happiness... or madness.
Ask yourself the following questions:
Do you enjoy the person in question's company?
The prince paused at this question. Yes. Her company was not exactly indulging, but it did make him feel comfortable and less alone.
How long have you known this person? Days, months or years?
Months.
Have you ever made offhandedly a move or action towards this person that you question yourself about?
Yes.
How often do you spend time with this person?
A lot of time.
Do you feel comfortable around them? Are they your first person you go to when you need to let everything out? Do you trust them with your life?
Yes.
As he continued perusing the chapter, he found his answer.
He liked Cho Hyewon.
-
She brushed her messy hair into an uneven braid, trying to make an effort in looking presentable.
Staring blankly at her reflection in the mirror, Hyewon let out a sigh of frustration and pulled out the rubber band holding the braid in place.
Why did the empress want to see her anyway? She eyed the small envelope she had received only an hour ago delivered by Taehyun lying on the edge of the desk, requesting her presence at the royal garden. Certainly, there was a motive behind the message. Had she found out about the... no, she refused to think of the incident. Frankly, if Empress Mika did, Hyewon wouldn't be surprised if the snitch was no other than Yoon Lia blabbermouth herself.
She scowled, her patience already worn thin. There was no point in dressing herself up well now if that was the case. She already put minimal effort into her attire (which was barely any) and if the royals expected more from her, screw it. She was already done with meddling in aristocratic affairs, it had done her no good.
But as she peeked at herself in the mirror one last time, a flash of self-consciousness attacked her mind. Was she ugly? Would people criticize her? What if Riki didn't like the way she dressed? Hyewon brushed it off. Since when did she start caring about the way she dressed? She shouldn't care what others thought of her at all, especially that imprudent prince. But that mind-eating doubt chipped at her confidence, lingering in her mind.
She took a deep breath, collecting the remains of her pride, before walking out the room with her head high.
-
Hyewon made her way to the center of the garden, where awaited Empress Mika sitting in the pavillion
She could feel the stares of maids burning into her back, but she forced herself to not look back. Smile plastered on her face, she bowed to the royal. "Hello, Your Majesty. You called for me?" she asked, tight-lipped.
The empress nods good-naturedly and tips her head towards the vacant seat across from her. "Take a seat, Hyewon. Would you like some pastries?" she offered as a maid hurriedly came their way, holding a teapot. Her hands trembled as she poured the tea into two small, porcelain cups filled to the rim. Steam rose from the hot tea. She bows her head and hastily walks away.
Empress Mika lifts her cup and blows on the tea before sipping it. "Surely, you're curious about why I called you," she started.
"Yes, Your Majesty."
She smiles warmly. "Worry not, I have only good intentions for this meeting. How has been your few months guarding my son? I hope you haven't come across many troubles regarding my son, he can be impulsive and brash sometimes, I apologize for that."
Oh, don't worry, everything is just peachy. Your son and I totally didn't share some forbidden kiss and are currently avoiding each other. I didn't yell at your son the other day. Everything is just great.
Hyewon swallowed her crumpet dryly, "No, no, it's fine. He isn't a bother-" He definitely is. "And we get along great." she finished. Gosh, her throat felt parched. Although she didn't fancy drinking tea often, she reached for her teacup, only to be hit woozy by its strong smell. Hesitantly, she sniffed it and almost staggered back. The hairs of her scalp stood up. Oddly enough, it gave her bad vibes. The guard frowned slightly and sneaked a glance at the queen. The empress certainly had no qualms about the smell or aura. Maybe it was how traditional royal tea was and she was overreacting. Still, she didn't like what she sensed from it.
She discreetly sets it back down to the table, untouched, not wanting to upset the queen.
Empress Mika stirs her tea thoughtfully. "Sometimes, I wonder if my husband and I are going too hard on him. He's only seventeen after all. A wild teenager with big dreams," she says softly. "The public eye and expectations are always pressuring him, especially since we're at war now. You have to be careful with who you trust and we've neglected him more than we should've... Maybe that's why he has a bit of a rebellious streak. The Crown Prince, the only heir to this kingdom. Born to rule, but never live."
"I wish I could be a better mother to him, but if I were to do that and coddle him, what would become the fate of this kingdom?" She leans back. "That's why I'm relieved that we appointed you as his guard. You understand, more than almost everyone, the purpose of duty and loyalty as a Chiye. I was hoping that part of your influence would rub off my son, Riki. And not only as a guard, but as a friend and an acquaintance as he has been rather lonely his whole life, except with his friend Jungwon. And I'm glad to say, I'm proud of our pick, Cho Hyewon."
There was this strange, constricting feeling in her chest. Was it guilt, knowing that she had pretty much failed her expectations? She could vividly imagine the look of disappointment if Hyewon had told her the actual truth, that they were barely friends and on speaking terms. "T-Thank you, Your Majesty," she manages to say.
"I heard about Envoy Shin a while ago. Quite a shame, he was a good man with big dreams, but filled with sorrow." She fixates her eyes on Hyewon as if reading her soul, "Minister Yoon told me that you are the prime suspect as you found his body and have no one to testify to your alibi."
The knot in her chest loosened, relieved that the topic had changed. She was surprised at how blunt the empress was. "Yes, I was brought in for questioning not too long ago," she admits.
The empress hummed. "Andour father is Advisor Lee?"
"... Yes."
"The eldest daughter of Lee Kangseok?"
"Yes," she answered firmly, although she didn't like how their conversation was turning towards a touchy subject. Hyewon didn't know why she had brought up her estranged father, but she remained poker-faced and waited for her response.
"I see." Was the only thing she replied. A pause. "Your father's quite the enigmatic man. He's been meaning to talk with you for a while now."
"Really?" The word came off more sarcastic than she meant it to be. "I mean," she added hastily, "I don't see him around the palace most of the time. I'm sure he has other things to attend to."
Empress Mika shook her head, "Dear, it's hard for him to communicate with you, but it isn't because he's busy, he simply doesn't know what to say-" she broke off. "I'm afraid I can't explain that regarding that matter, but your father does care. As for Envoy Shin's murder, I don't believe that-"
The empress double downed, clutching her throat, her mouth wide open as if in a soundless scream. Her beautiful face immediately became as pale as a ghost as she stumbled out of her chair.
Alarmed, Hyewon frantically rushed towards her. "Your Highness?" she asks desperately, kneeling down beside her, trying to figure out what was wrong.
Her eyes met the empress' warm ones. And somehow, her hand made its way to hers.
"Poison."
A/N: might delete this later. here comes a long vent because i dont want to bottle up what im feeling rn, if you guys want to skip, im totally fine with that
i dont know what im doing with my life. honestly, i feel lost socially and study wise. i dont know when this feeling started and it is getting better but im stressing over everything these days. i only have 3-4 years until college and the school pressure really hasnt settled on me yet but im constantly worrying and stressing over my life. i feel like these days im going to eff my life up so bad... im constantly told to study for a good future and i do understand why, but i cant seem to focus on it. other people out there are living their lives without worry and i envy them. i dont want to be stuck in a limbo where studying constantly dominates my life but if i dont, i wont be able to go to a good college like ive always dreamed of. and tbh im scared of disappointing everyone i know especially my parents. like what if i study so hard but never achieve my dream? then wont my effort go into waste? i want to live my life too. what if i shoot too high and fall crashing back? i dont know how ill be able to handle it and ill never forgive myself for indulging in a small part of my youth just to hangout with my friends and waste away my future. what if my decisions in the past catches up to me and ultimately crushes me? but at the same time i dont want to give myself entirely to studying, i dont want to spend the rest of my youth doing that even if it guarantees a good life. like what about my happiness?
and sometimes when i look at my family and friends i think, "how long will it be until i disappoint you?" i cant stop thinking about it
and as socially, im an introvert but my energy comes from my friends. but i constantly feel like an outcast, like a rebound friend. im never the first friend and i feel left out a lot. this feeling started long back in the summer, where one of my best friends asked me go ice skating and it took a LOT of convincing to my mom but she ended up inviting two other people without telling me. both of them im not very familiar with and one of them was a boy that shes friends with but she KNOWS i have beef with because he constantly provokes me for no reason. and guess what? of course she ditched me and the other girl (who wasnt really bad company) for him. i dont mean to be narcissistic but the whole point in the first place was to make me hangout with her??? i dont go out with my friends a lot and im hurt that she ditched me like that. but i didnt say anything to ruin our friendship. and it wasnt the first time. not too long ago in geometry the SAME boy made fun of me because of the way i defined theorem. on the bus he kept teasing me about it and said that i liked some boy i havent even talked in a while. and she didnt even defend me about it and laughed. LAUGHED. and i got angry and shunned them out. and then after she left the boy had the audacity to ask me what did he do? i was so done and the moment i got home i cried and my dad was immediately alarmed and asked me what was wrong. it was reallt, really pathetic. i stopped talking to my friend for two weeks and then she finally talked to me and when i told her partially of my story she was like "have you not thought that he was simply INFORMING you instead making fun of you?" atp i wasnt surpised. they were good friends rumored in school to like each other of course she would defend him, pick him over me who she had known longer by a bit. and it hurt. but i didnt tell her that and bottled it up and went with it and smiled because our friendship was something i treasured.
yeah. u can tell my life kind of sucks
i want to be a psychologist because i dont want anyone to feel the way i do ever. idrc if its not a good "life sustaining" job atp i just want to make someone feel better in the world because of something ive done
and i want to say for those who took time to read my vent, thank you for taking time to read it and understand because even though i may not know you all in real life, i really appreciate that someone out there in the big world has taken the time to empathize with how i feel.
if anyone wants to talk to me or vent or just be friends, im usually always here to listen :) just dm me in inbox or my message board <333
lots of love
vivi, your author who has screwed up a lot