Feraye wakes up to the sound of her alarm, but when she tries to get up, she's hit with a wave of dizziness so staggering that she has lay back down until it passes. She breathes in and out, trying and failing to keep her panic in check.
That's when the first wave of pain hits her. She keens, hunching over until it passes. "Ateş," she calls out once she's able to speak. "Ateş," she says louder, and he jerks awake.
"Feraye?"
Her eyes well with tears as she looks into his concerned ones. "Something's wrong."
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Ateş helps her get dressed quickly, then grabs his keys, wallet and phone. They make their way down the stairs carefully, and Ateş keeps her close, supporting her with an arm around her back. She stumbles on the last step when another cramp hits, this one longer and more intense, but he catches her. She falls into his arms easily, crying silently because she knows what this is. She knows what's happening, and she's helpless to stop it.
His arms are tight around her. "Should I call an ambulance?"
She shakes her head immediately, and makes to stand up. He helps, not saying a word as she is barely able to stay upright. They slowly make their way out of the house, and two steps away from the car, she feels a wetness slide down her legs.
She doesn't want to look down. It's the last thing she wants to do. But she knows she has to, so she does.
Her heart nearly stops, and her knees buckle. She doesn't fall to the ground, because Ateş catches her before she does. She's still crying when he swiftly picks her up and carries her in his arms, one arm under her knees, the other cradling her shoulders. She knows the exact moment he sees the blood, because his breath stutters in his chest, and he freezes for a few seconds. She tightens her arms around his neck, and he presses a kiss to the top of her head, lips lingering there. "I'm so sorry," he whispers, anguish clear in his voice.
Weirdly enough, it brings her some comfort.
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Ateş doesn't leave her side the whole time they're in the hospital. He holds her hand through every moment, he strokes her hair when she cries. The doctor and nurses treat her kindly, obviously sympathetic, but the she doesn't have the capacity to feel grateful right now.
After hours and hours in the hospital, they finally tell her she can go home. Ateş does the paperwork while Feraye sits in the bed, and she tries desperately not to think about Yağmur. Her daughter who didn't get the chance to grow into her little body, her daughter who died before even taking her first breath. She closes her eyes, determined not to cry until she's in her room, in her bed, and alone.
There's a knock on her door, and she sits up, thinking it's Ateş. It's not. It's one of the nurses who had been with her earlier. "Hi," she says to the older woman.
"Hello, sweetheart," she greets her, a kind smile on her wrinkled face. She takes Feraye's hand in hers and clears her throat. "If you don't mind, I'd like to tell you something a little personal."
Feraye nods, confused but willing to listen.
"When I was two years older than you, I had my first miscarriage. A year later, I had another, and then another two years later." Feraye closes her eyes. "But now, nearly thirty years later, I have three beautiful children who are all grown up and out into the world."
Feraye's eyes well with tears.
"Allow yourself to feel this pain," she tells her kindly. "But do not give up. Your husband seems to be a good man," the woman says, the end of the sentence more of a question than a statement.
Feraye nods, "he is. He's the best."
"Good. Lean on him, help each other through this. And whatever you do, don't let this tear you apart. Hold onto each other."
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Ateş keeps a hold of her hand on their way out, and during the drive home. Her grip on his hand is tight, but he doesn't complain about it once.
By now, everyone must know, so it's not surprising to see everyone except Yaman standing outside the door, waiting for them. Omer dede is the first one to greet her, holding out his arms. She falls into them, his hug comforting. Hazal is next, and she holds onto her for dear life. "Baba?"
"Cemile is bringing him up."
"Okay."
Nesrin hugs her next, then Çetin. Okan's hug is warm and tight and she smiles at him gratefully. When Gulfem embraces her, Feraye is surprised, but grateful. The older woman's arms are tight around her, like she actually intends to comfort Feraye, like this isn't just for show. When she pulls back, the woman smiles at her. "How are you?"
Feraye lets out a sigh. "I'm- I'm doing okay."
She doesn't seem to believe her, but she nods. "If you need anything, anything at all, you can come to me."
She can do nothing but nod.
Her father and Cemile make their way up, finally, and she all but runs into her father's arms. He holds her close, hand stroking her back, comforting. She hides her face in his chest, and finds comfort in his familiar scent. They stay like that a long time, and when she pulls away, her father is crying. "Baba," she says, wiping his tears away.
"I'm sorry you went through that, kizim. I wish I could take your pain away."
She smiles halfheartedly. "I love you."
"I love you, too."
Ateş comes to stand beside her. Her father lifts up a hand, and Ateş takes it. Her father surprises him by tugging at his hand, then hugging him. Ateş has his eyes shut tightly, and it occurs to her that he's sad, too. It surprises her, that he's so affected when it's not even his kid. She puts her hand on his back, just to let him know she's there, and she's rewarded with a soft smile when he straightens up.
Ateş then puts an arm around her shoulders and brings her closer to him, excusing them. She's relieved she doesn't have to keep up the strong front, because it's exhausting.
Feraye just wants to go to bed, hug her pillow and cry herself to sleep.
Ateş' phone rings as soon as he closes the door. He groans, slumped across the wall. He wipes a hand down his face, takes a deep breath, and answers. "Yavuz?"
His face changes subtly as he listens closely to what the man is saying, and by the time the call has ended, his face is blank.
That's how she knows whatever it is that happened, it's bad.
"Ateş? What's wrong?"
He shakes his head. "Don't worry about it."
"Ateş-"
"It doesn't matter, Feraye," he interrupts her softly, "the only thing that matters right now is you and-" he stops himself, looking pained. "Nothing matters right now except you, okay?" He frames her face with both his hands, thumbs stroking her cheeks, brushing away her tears. She leans her face into his palm. "I have to go for a little bit," he tells her regretfully, "will you be okay?"
She nods, eyes still closed.
He tugs her into his arms, and she holds him tightly. For the first time today, she feels safe, and she finally lets herself cry. He holds her through it, comforting and gentle and strong.
Minutes later, when her cries quiet down, he leads her to the bed, tucks the covers around her and crouches down beside the bed.
"She's really gone," she whispers sadly, hand on her belly. "Yağmur is gone, Ateş."
His eyes are red as he nods. "She is."
"It's my fault," she cries.
He shakes his head. "Feraye, no-"
"I should've taken better care of her," she counters, "I should've-"
"No," he interrupts her forcefully, "no, you did everything right. You-" he struggles to find the right words. "What happened was unfair, but it wasn't you who caused it. Yağmur would have been the luckiest girl in the world to have you as her mother, Feraye."
She closes her eyes, buries her face in her pillow, and starts to cry again. .
Ateş doesn't leave her side the whole time. When he stands up, she cries harder, thinking he's going to leave her, but to her surprise, he lays down behind her. "Feraye, is this okay?"
She doesn't answer, instead moving back until her back is flush against his chest. She holds out her hand, and when he interlaces their fingers together, she uses that grip to bring his arm around her. She only hesitates when she remembers the call. "Ateş, the company-"
"Doesn't matter right now," he tells her quietly. "If this is what you need, then I'll stay here as long as you need me."
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The first week, she doesn't get out of bed except to go to the bathroom. Ateş brings her food and forces her to eat at least ten bites of anything he brings.
The second week, he forces her to go out with him twice. They don't say anything on their walks, but the time spent together is comforting all the same.
The third week, they collect Yağmur's toys and clothes together. She doesn't want to at first, and Ateş tells her they can stop whenever she wants, so she agrees. She manages to hold her tears back until they finish, and when she starts crying, he holds her through it, and keeps holding her until she falls asleep in his arms.
The fourth week, he takes her out to dinner, and he makes her laugh, and he tells her about his life before her, and for the first time in a long time, she feels alive.
That night, when they get back, he sleeps on the couch while she sleeps on the bed. She tosses and turns, unable to sleep, and realises she misses him; misses his arms around her, misses his warmth surrounding her, misses the safety his presence provides.
The morning after, when he wakes up and the fist thing he does is check in on her, she smiles at him softly, and thinks-
I love you.
And it's not as scary as she thought it would be.