It's the same thing for your last class before lunch, you're not really into the class from the start until finished. Your ears were listening, you were looking at the lecturer's board, you were writing stuff, but you're not yourself.
"So a quick reminder to inform me the names in your group of two by texts no later than Wednesday. Class dismiss." You're packing your stuff as soon as the class had finished before the empty seat next to you was filled by Danielle in a few moments.
"Yongjae, do you want to pair up with me for this research report?" She whispered as you're getting the last of your belongings into your bag. "Me? Did Lee Seo already pair up with someone else?" You asked, trying not to sound lazy.
"Well not really I just thought... we're leaving next month and I was thinking if we pair up then I'll double my effort to finish this report before departing..." She gave you her reason and no matter how she spoke, she didn't sound pushy. And you'll probably feel guilty in the end anyway. "...I mean I'm not pushing you or anything. If you don't want to then it's fin-"
"No, no. I hear you Danielle." You interrupted her with your hands up. "Well your reason does make sense. Sure, let's pair up, save me some time finding a partner too." You gave her a light smile. "Thanks~ I'll text Miss Kim our names now." Danielle immediately got her phone and in a few seconds, you and Danielle paired up.
"Now that's behind us, where do you want to have lunch by the way?" Danielle asked as almost all the other students already left the room. "...If you're a bit tired then we can just drop by the cafeteria and have a chill lunch if you're okay with it."
Even though you're okay with the idea of that but in all honesty, you're probably not that okay as in your mind, the thoughts of running into Hanni's been haunting you since yesterday and the last thing you wanted to do was seeing her and maybe worse, seeing her with the guy she told you about.
But in your own dilemma, you don't want to hassle Danielle as well and she's been kind towards you the whole day so to show an uninterested manner towards her would definitely seem like a rude thing to do. "Sure, the cafeteria sounds good for the first day back." In the end you followed Danielle's plan.
"It's only the first day and we already have two assignments..." Danielle let out a chuckle after a soft sigh just as you two exited the lecture theater. "We can focus on the report first if you want." You suggested as Danielle gave you a nod. "We can, probably tomorrow. Let's just take it easy today shall we?"
"I have no objections to that Miss Marsh." Danielle snickered silently as you're now making your way towards the cafeteria, while Danielle's been talking next to you, at times you would lose focus as in your heart you've been praying. Praying that you won't run into Hanni at least for the rest of the day as you knew that you won't be able to cope seeing her let alone talking to her.
Every step you took down the stairs, your heart's beating faster and inclining, it's almost suffocating before you made it to the cafeteria. The plan was for you to keep your head down and your eyes remained straight as it is because wandering your eyes seems to be a habit that oddly you and Hanni share.
"Where should we sit? Any empty tables around there?" Danielle asked as you're keeping your head straight but feeling like she'll notice you being all weird so you sighed silently as your eyes began wandering around.
You looked over to your left and there seems to be no tables available and that goes for the back and your front so you turned your head to your right and somehow that was the worst decision you probably made today.
As soon as your eyes looked over to your right, you saw her. Pham Hanni. And to make it more dreadful was that her eyes were locked onto yours but that's not even the worst of the lot. The worst was that not only did you and her looked at each other, but your eyes couldn't help but notice the man sitting across from her.
It broke your already broken self, more and more if it's even possible. But nothing could prepare you for the sight of Hanni and another man, sitting across from her, seemingly enjoying their lunch together.
You saw him, you definitely did and even at that point, pain was never avoidable but even in the midst of all the swirling pain you're feeling in your heart, what you're holding out in your heart for her was just hope. You could only hope that he's being good to her and treats her like she deserved to be treated. Whoever he is.
Seconds felt like eternity as the moment you saw her trying to wave at you, you immediately walked away, breaking away the eye contacts and head's fixed in front.
In the end, you got your lunch as you found your table far from her... and you sat down away from a view of Hanni and the guy she's with while Danielle's across from you.
"Will you be getting on stage again for the next poetry talk session?" Danielle asked as she's getting a small plastic container out from her bag that turned out to be a mix of carrots slices and cherry tomatoes.
"I don't know. Maybe if I have some inspiration then probably yeah I'll get on the stage." You answered as she held out the veggies in front of you. "Want some? They taste good." She chuckled lightly as she offered you some of her veggies.
"I'm... not really a fan of carrots so I'll just have these tomatoes..." You grabbed a couple of the tiny cherry tomatoes before eating one then raising your eyebrows at the taste. "They are good. Wow." You eventually took another few as Danielle's glad that you're enjoying them. "Thanks."
As you're quietly eating your lunch, Danielle got her little notebook out as she turned over a new page and already got a pen on the paper and it seemed like she's in her writing wood as she immediately began writing in her book.
You took a quick glance at her and at times you wondered to yourself, was that how people usually see you when you're writing, probably yes, probably no. She looked so immersed into it and her eyes were glittering with focus as her hand kept on moving.
"Look at you..." You broke your silence as she looked up at you before chuckling slightly before resumed writing. "...It's a nice feeling right?" You leaned back against your seat as her hand slowed down before eventually stopped.
"What is?" She asked as she looked back at you. "The feeling where you're immersed in writing and like nothing else seems to matter at the moment. It's just you and your notebook and the many thoughts in your minds, waiting to be poured out." You answered her. "...did you feel it or is it just me?"
"Probably, there's been times I'm feeling that way." She agreed while the pen in her hand continued moving slowly. "Here..." As soon as she finished, Danielle handed you her notebook. "...I already said that I'll let you read what I wrote before."
"You sure?" You asked as she nodded her head. "You already had lunch with me together and I don't want to go back on my word. Maybe I'm a bit nervous since you're reading it..." Danielle snickered a bit shyly. "You know you don't have to worry..." You accepted the notebook. "...I will not judge." You said as you turned to the first page that she had written.
Please know that it wasn't your fault
There's nothing you could have done
to change the situation
Do you know that you shouldn't
have fought so hard just to be loved?
Your feelings deserve to be respected
You deserved to be loved.
You deserved to be supported.
Comforted
Even during your most difficult, dark
moments.
You don't deserve to be abandoned
Please remember that.
As soon as you're reading the first page, thinking that what she would be writing in the notebook were happy poems based on her bright personality but you never been more wrong. The light smile in your face slowly fading away as you're turning over the next page...
You want to know what I wished for?
I just wish that I could
make everything okay for you
I wish I could
take away all of your pain
I simply wish that
I could take all the sadness in your heart
and change it with my happiness
I wish I could
But in the end, I'm afraid I couldn't
"What is this..." You whispered silently in your heart as you couldn't even process the sadness and how angsty her poems were... And eventually, pages after pages, you read all the way to the latest one she wrote just moments ago...
It's rather peculiar how
we've become strangers
in each other's lives,
as if our shared memories
never even unfolded
Yet again, can they be truly reduced to nothing
when once upon a time...
once upon a time these memories
it meant the world to us?
"H-How did you do it?" Those words suddenly came out of your mouth as it made Danielle confused for a second. "W-What do you mean? I followed what you did remember? You told me that it's all in our heads and hearts..." She replied as she's noticing the uneasiness in your expression.
"Are you okay?" She asked as you imminently snapped back to reality and nodded. "Y-yeah I'm okay. These are..." You took a deep breath in before exhaling silently. "...these are great poems you've written. I actually felt it's better than mines."
"Oh stop it with the compliments sir, I'm nowhere near." She formed a soft grin as somehow her heart felt fluttered by your compliment. "I tried making happy poems and all that..." She whispered whilst munching on her carrots slowly. "...but I have few happy memories to even write one."
"This doesn't make any sense..." You blurted out as a whisper. "What is?" Danielle asked as your eyes were locked on hers. "You're Danielle Marsh. You and sunshine are basically synonyms. You're the bright friend in our class. Everybody enjoys being with friends with you..."
"Does this cheerful persona of yours... this bright Danielle Marsh..." You whispered to her. "...is it just a mask you've put on just to cover what you've been through?"
"Not necessarily Yongjae..." She answered with a bitter smile. "...I made peace with the pain I've been through but yet again every now and then, the pain will never disappear completely and I just have to live with it."
"The only reason that I am this bright and very outgoing girl is because..." You suddenly noticed the light tears in her eyes as she's wiping them away immediately. "...I promised someone that I'll keep on being a bright and happy girl that will do whatever she can so that the people around her won't be having a hard time on themselves..."
And that probably explained it perfectly. After all this time you've been having mixed feelings regarding the way Danielle's been treating you. Despite knowing that she's also treating other people the same way as she's treating you, you couldn't help feeling that she somehow had this secret feelings for you and now all that immediately wiped away as you finally saw her in a different light. "I see..." You breathed out while nodding.
Then it was all silence between you two as Danielle's on her phone while you're leaning back against your chair before you thought of something. "Can I borrow your pen?" You hold your hand out to her as she had her eyebrows raised. "You're writing a poem in my book?" She asked and you nodded. "I haven't seen you write on your notebook today though... poet's block?"
"Probably... I just thought of something now and I don't have my notebook with me right now so..." You lied as you're not going to write in the notebook if it means you're going to spend most of time crying and hurting at the thoughts of Hanni. But at that point you just needed to write something just to make Danielle feel better.
It's the least thing that you could do for her. "What an honour." She chuckled as Danielle handed you her pen and her notebook as you guided it on a fresh new page...
One day
you'll wake up in the morning
and you have a look out the window
you will realize that flowers are still blooming
the sun remains shining on you
the earth will remain spinning the orbit
One day
you'll look at yourself in the mirror
and you'll finally be enchanted
instead of dreading what you hesitated to see
within your own reflection
One day
your journey and adventure will eventually
make sense
One day
instead of you feeling half-hearted
you will feel whole again
Don't give up Danielle.
You immediately closed the notebook before handing it back to its owner. "Can't I read it now?" She pursed her lips into a light pout. "If you feel like it. I just wrote something to make you feel better." You answered as she excitedly turned to the page you've just written.
She read every word and took them in deep before breathing in slowly and exhaling. Slowly she closed her notebook with a light smile on her face.
"Better?" You asked as Danielle nodded her head. "Better."
That night, right after work, Hanni's been sitting on her bed, knees curled up as she's hugging them tightly. Something's been messing with her mind that day...
...and that something was none other than about you.
Not only did the cold treatment she's been getting from you today made her felt guilty and made her asking herself what did she do wrong towards you but the scene where she saw you with Danielle, the smile Danielle had in her face throughout the lunch she had with you somehow felt like adding fuel to the burning fire.
"Why are you being like this Pham Hanni!?" Hanni hissed at herself as she couldn't get the view of you and Danielle out of her mind no matter how much she tried to. "...you have no right to feel like this... not when you're doing the same thing..." She grabbed onto her hair as she curled her knees up, burying her face on her laps.
Never she had felt so out of place, so distraught like she had felt today. She knew she doesn't have the right to feel this way, let alone that she had spent the day with Jun instead of consoling you right after Jun left while you're still there with Danielle, instead of going over to you and ask you how's your day, how were you feeling. She wanted to but she just couldn't, her heart felt too heavy.
Despite Jun had been mixed into their lives, Hanni's still care a lot about you but the circumstances she's in made it hard for her to express that to you and she hated herself for that.
Little did she expected this but crawling up inside her mind was anxieties and countless thoughts that took over her completely.
While she's been contemplating whether to give you a call or text you as she's been staring at her phone next to her on the bed, secretly hoping that she got a notification from you, just once would be enough, yet the hours passed by and nothing, then suddenly it happened.
Out of nowhere, she had this feeling of sudden struggle to breathe and a surge of panic attacks suddenly crippling in her, in her mind. As her breathing was shaky while she's pacing back and forth trying to catch her breath, she then grabbed her phone and instead of calling you, she's calling Moon Junhui.
Her heart's beating fast and she's literally trying to gasp for air before breathing in and out to calm herself down. "Please answer Jun, please..." She whispered to herself. "...please, I need you..."
At the other side of the line, Jun suddenly felt his phone's vibrating from his pocket before he took it out. Seeing Hanni's name on the screen, Jun let out a sigh as he threw it back onto the sofa he's seating on before jumping off and made his way to the dance floor.
With his friends dancing around him, drunken from the amount of alcohol they've been drinking all night, Jun instead spent his night partying his heart out at the night club.
Never even picking her call up.
Jun's a red flag? Maybe...
So leave a vote and comments(?) maybe, I would love to read your comments. It'll motivates me to write more, it really does.
Loves lot ❤