July 15, 2014
As Taylor picks through the grocery bags her security has brought back for her, her phone rings.
"Hey, Tree," Taylor answers, putting the phone on speaker mode as she continues unpacking and organizing groceries.
"How was everything after I left?" Tree asks, sounding a bit concerned.
Taylor smiles a little. Knowing that a publicist genuinely cares about your welfare can be rare, and Taylor is glad she found that rarity in Tree, along with her being cutthroat and professional at her job. "Eh. It could have been better, I know she is really freaked out. She's trying to act like she's not though," Taylor replies. "I think we'll be alright."
"I'm glad to hear it," Tree says. "Well, I have some bad news." Tree adds, moving on from pleasantries far sooner than Taylor would like.
Taylor's breath gets hitched in her throat. She stops what she's doing and leans against the counter and lifts the phone in her ear. "What?" How can there already be a problem?
"The candids of you and Karlie. Your fans posting them on different social media platforms like Instagram, they're captioning them 'Kaylor' or commenting 'Kaylor.'" Tree replies.
"What's 'Kaylor'?" Taylor asks, wondering where the problem is lying in this situation.
"Karlie plus Taylor equals Kaylor. It's a couple name," Tree answers.
Taylor's eyes widen, shocked by what she's hearing. "They don't— Why would they do that? They don't do that with my other friends!" Taylor replies, beginning to sound anxious.
"I mean, they do a little bit, but not really like this. Not at this level. I'm not sure what came over everyone, but it seems every time I look, more and more people are saying 'Kaylor.' It's catching on," Tree replies.
"But, like, do they think we're dating?" Taylor asks, pinching the bridge of her nose. Already? How is this happening already?
"From what I can tell, no. Not yet. I'm sure there are a few, but I can find you people who think you're dating your cats if I search the Internet hard enough," Tree replies drily.
Taylor can't even bring herself to crack a smile. Not yet. "Is this bad? What does this mean?" Taylor asks.
"Well, to be honest with you, I don't know what this means. It sort of depends on what it turns into. Fans all have their 'ships,' they're nothing really to worry about. It's just something we need to watch, be aware of, because this 'ship' isn't fictional," Tree answers.
"Worst case scenario?" Taylor asks.
"How about best case scenario first?" Tree says with a laugh. "It fizzles out, just a weird day where everyone seems to like that couple name, as unoriginal as it is," Tree says. "Or, they just really enjoy your friendship and will love seeing you and Karlie together every time you are seen out."
"Okay," Taylor replies unsteadily.
"Worst case scenario, well, that would obviously just be fans convinced you guys are really dating. If the fans are convinced of it, it will trickle out of social media and begin stirring up rumors in the media. It might start with blind item reports, maybe little jokes in major media outlets, but nonetheless it's exactly what we don't want. We don't want people to have a reason to overanalyze your friendship," Tree replies.
"Yeah, definitely not," Taylor grumbles. "So do we need to do anything differently than what we talked about yesterday?" Taylor asks.
"Not yet, we just need to keep an eye on this. I mean, it wouldn't hurt doing yourself some favors. I'm not going to tell you guys to not spend time together in public, but the less you're seen together can obviously be helpful. Minimal social media interaction can be good, too," Tree answers. Taylor is quiet, wondering if this is the beginning of the restrictions she had feared yesterday, certain there would be some. "Taylor, just use common sense. All is well, for now. How about we just avoid anymore road trips?" Tree says with a laugh.
Taylor laughs a bit. "I think we can do that. But I do notice all your 'not yet's and 'for now's," Taylor replies.
"Well, I'm doing my job, Taylor. Eventually, I don't think this will be incredibly easy to hide. That's just me being honest. Album promo is going to be tricky. If we get to New Year's Eve without any incidents, we're safe. From there our entire PR plan would just be readying people for someday not having to keep this hidden. The next couple of months, there are little things that can be said, but we're mostly just going to try guarding this secret," Tree replies.
"We can do it," Taylor breathes. "I've never even dated someone for that long, though, maybe your job will become unexpectedly easier," Taylor replies drily.
"Well, I would never wish that. I'd like to see you happy with anyone for a long time," Tree answers.
"Thanks, Tree," Taylor replies. "We'll try our best, just for you."
"Well, maybe don't try too hard," Tree adds as an after thought, causing Taylor to laugh. "Also, I need Cara Delevingne's NDA as soon as possible. When I told Karlie ASAP, I really meant within a day. She already knows, she's a loose canon. We need to strap her down," Tree says.
Taylor sighs. "I'll talk to her about it tonight. I think she's just...overawelmed."
"Understandable, but I have a job to do. And I'm working to help you. I need her cooperation, and I need it 100% if we have to make it until the end of December," Tree replies.
"I'll talk to her tonight," Taylor says.
They arrange their next meeting and exchange goodbyes.
Hanging up the phone, Taylor takes a seat at her kitchen table and rests her head in her hands. Even if nothing was really happening yet, she could tell just by Tree's tone this was the beginning of something, and the beginning of something bad. The timing couldn't be worse, as she is gearing up to pretty much be the center of the general public's attention for months to come. All eyes would be on her, and of course her new album, and Karlie is stuck along for the ride. Five months. We just need to get through these five months and Tree said we'll be okay. We already have almost kept this hidden for five months, we can do it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Pleeease Karlie! We've never spent a birthday together, and now that you and Josh won't be doing anything together why not just come to London?! Me, you, and Cara can have a great time! We're birthday twins!" Jourdan begs.
"Jourdan, I already made plans to go to my family's house. And family from out of town is coming," Karlie replies, clutching the phone to her ear as she sits in the back of a taxi on her way to Taylor's apartment. "What about the week before? Or the week after? Or—"
"Karlie, you can see your family whenever! They live an hour away! Me and Cara live an ocean away! It's our birthday, don't you want to just let loose and have fun, you can hang out with your family any other time," Jourdan insists.
I have plans to bring my new girlfriend home, Jourdan. "Jourdan, I really can't. I thought you wanted to plan a trip to New York? Once I get back from Sweden I have a couple weeks here I think. I could even fly out to see you guys instead," Karlie replies.
"We have the same birthday, Karlie, why can't we just celebrate together? Come on, Cara is dealing with Michelle and Zac Efron being photographed together, she's flipping out about paparazzi, she needs a good time out with her friends," Jourdan insists.
"How is she doing with everything?" Karlie asks instead.
"Oh, you know. She's a tough chick. But her agency told her she needs to chill out on the tattoos, so naturally she wants to get double D's tatted with me," Jourdan replies.
Karlie laughs at just how Cara of a move that is, and she realizes she it has gotten to be far too long since talking and laughing on the phone with Jourdan. When did this happen to us? "That sounds like an excellent solution."
"So are you going to come? We can probably add a 'K' in there if you want to do it with us," Jourdan says jokingly.
"No, I am at my capacity for tattoos," Karlie replies.
"You have none," Jourdan answers.
"Exactly."
"Well, at least come with us and hold our hands," Jourdan begs playfully. "Seriously, Karlie, come on! We need a birthday bash. Please, Karlie. Pleasepleaseplease." Jourdan is relentless, and it hurts Karlie having to say no. Maybe if circumstances were different she would definitely reschedule with her family and make the trip to London. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
"Jourdan, I really want to and I really really can't. But we're definitely all hanging out really soon, like right before or right after our—"
"Can I ask you something?" Jourdan asks point blank.
"Sure," Karlie answers easily.
"Are you going to be hanging out with Taylor Swift on your birthday?" Jourdan asks.
Karlie closes her eyes and throws her head back against the taxi's backseat. "Yes, but Jourdan—"
"Karlie, what is your deal?" Jourdan asks, her temper sounding in her voice. "You keep on telling me we aren't growing apart, and you keep on telling me you didn't replace me with Taylor, but you continue—"
"Jourdan, you don't understand. You really have no idea how much you don't understand, Taylor could never replace—"
"If I don't understand it's because of you, Karlie! You don't talk to me anymore! Is it really that hard to help your best friend understand?" Jourdan asks.
"No, Jourdan, I—" Karlie suddenly stops speaking, and takes a deep breath, surprised to find herself beginning to get emotional. So much is happening. "Jourdan, please. Not you, I really can't deal with everything," Karlie says, doing her best not to sound choked up on the phone as she nears Taylor's apartment.
"What do you mean, babe?" Jourdan asks, her anger suddenly gone from her voice, worry replacing it.
"When I see you, I'm going to explain everything okay? But I need to see you to—"
"What do you mean explain everything? Just say it now, what's the matter?" Jourdan asks.
"No, it's— it's a good thing, Jourdan, it is. But right now I just...I don't know," Karlie replies, shaking her head and wiping at the bottom of her eyes before any potential tears can fall. "Jourdan, I have to go, I'm pulling up to— I'm going to a late fitting," Karlie lies as the taxi stops in front of Taylor's apartment.
"No! No, Karlie, don't you dare. Stay on the phone," Jourdan says firmly. "Talk to me. Right now you what?"
"Right now I..." Karlie replies, getting out of the taxi and walking up the steps where Taylor's security is holding the door open for her. "Right now I feel like shit and I'm more stressed out than even I realize," Karlie replies. She walks up the steps to Taylor's floor slowly, realizing that her admission of these feelings did not make her feel better at all, but rather worse. Suddenly, everything is very real, not matter how much she has tried repressing it.
"Karlie, something that makes you feel stressed out and shitty isn't a good thing," Jourdan answers softly.
"It is, it is a good thing. It's a really good thing, but I...Jourdan, you just don't understand but when—"
"Karlie, stop saying that I don't understand! Help me understand! I'm your best friend, if I don't understand who does?" Jourdan asks quickly.
"I don't know, that's a good question," Karlie replies with a hollow laugh. "Jourdan, I really need to go now," Karlie says, as she stands still on the final flight of stairs, not wanting to arrive to Taylor's floor just yet.
"Karlie, you're not talking to me. Why aren't you talking to me? You're never like this," Jourdan answers.
"Please, Jourdan, I really can't do this right now. I can't," Karlie replies. "I need to go."
Jourdan is quiet for a second before answering, "Okay, Karlie. But you know you can always talk to me? About anything at all right?"
I can't. I'm not allowed to. "I know."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Stop rubbing your eye," Karlie says, causing Taylor to immediately drop her arm to her side with a smile. "It already looks a lot better."
"Well, now it's itchy and it wasn't before. So how do I deal with this?" Taylor asks drily, chopping up ingredients as Karlie sits at the table observing.
"You suck it up and stop acting like a baby," Karlie says seriously, but her green eyes shine playfully.
"Okay, how about you keep quiet since I'm being nice enough to make you dinner," Taylor replies with a laugh.
"You won't let me help you!" Karlie exclaims.
"Yeah, because you look like you need to just sit down and chill out," Taylor answers, causing Karlie to look away. Taylor, as she had earlier in the day, felt as though Karlie has been in a strange mood since walking in the door.
"What are you making me anyway?" Karlie asks.
Changing the subject. "It is a..." Taylor says, leaning close to her computer screen, "spicy sweet potato and green rice burrito bowl. And I'm making jalapeño poppers."
"Did it ever occur to you that I hate spicy food?" Karlie asks.
Taylor drops the knife she has been using with a clatter against the kitchen counter. "Shut up," Taylor says seriously, suddenly feeling very stupid. "Really?"
Karlie stares at her blankly for as long as she can manage before laughing. "No, I'm just kidding."
"You know what, you're really annoying," Taylor says laughing, as she goes back to chopping up jalapeño peppers. "Your vegan self is really inhibiting my lifestyle, too. You could be a little more grateful. I'd much rather be cooking a steak right now, or better yet a real burrito."
"Oh, yes, the things people do for love," Karlie says dramatically, rolling her eyes.
Perhaps at the same exact moment when Karlie's face is suddenly wiped clean of her smile, Taylor realizes the word she has been keeping to herself has just been said out loud. The awkward silence in the room only provides Taylor with more evidence that Karlie isn't ready for Taylor to tell her the three words that sound in her head each time Karlie so much as smiles in her direction.
She hates the awkward silence, and she hates how painfully aware each of them are of this silence. Awkward silences never exist between them. Taylor does her best to keep focused on her knife as she chops the peppers, keeping her eyes trained so sternly on the cutting board that her eye itches once more.
Karlie sounds hesitant, nervous, when beginning to say, "Taylor, I'm in lo—"
"OW! SHIT!" Taylor exclaims, dropping the large knife onto the hardwood floor with a bang, bringing both hands to her eye now, stumbling back from the countertop. It feels as though a baseball bat has been directly swung against her eye. "KARLIE!" Taylor yells, unable to open her eyes from a stinging intense pain she's never experienced before.
"What is it?! What's wrong?!" Karlie exclaims, and Taylor can hear and feel her footsteps rush to her, but she's still unable to see, her eyelids painfully glued shut. "Oh, TAYLOR! Stop, take your hands away from your eyes! You were just cutting peppers!"
Taylor feels Karlie quickly pull her hands away, but it does nothing to abate the pain in her eye. "Karlie, I'm going to cry, it hurts so bad!" Taylor exclaims, her voice a panicked whimper.
"You're okay, don't worry," Karlie says, but her own voice tense with worry. Taylor allows herself to be blindly dragged forward. Within seconds of hearing her kitchen sink turned on, a wet cloth is pressed to her eye, her glasses roughly taken off of her. "Is it both eyes or just the one?"
"This one," Taylor answers, putting her hands over Karlie's holding the cloth to her eye.
"Can you open your eyes?" Karlie asks. Taylor shakes her head negatively. "Why can't you open this one?" Karlie asks, lightly tapping a finger on the cheek of the eye that is not in pain.
Taylor tentatively half opens that eye, and quickly tears that had been encased by her closed eye fall, blurring her vision. Karlie stretches the cloth and dabs at her eye.
"Is it working?" Karlie asks. "Should I wet it again?"
"I don't know, I can't tell," Taylor says. When Karlie tries moving her hand away, Taylor holds her hand against her tighter.
"I will do it quick," Karlie assures her.
The second Taylor relents, and releases her grip on the model's hand, the pain is somehow even worse than before once the cloth is back under the sink.
"IT'S WORSE!" Taylor yells.
"Okay, okay!" Karlie exclaims, quickly pushing the cloth back towards Taylor.
"I'm putting my head in the sink!" Taylor says, lunging forward.
Karlie quickly pulls Taylor's hair back, as water from the faucet pounds down on the singer's eye. "You can't just have it hit you like that," Karlie says, putting a hand beneath the heavy stream of water, making it fall more gently onto the singer's eye.
"Karlie, it's worse!" Taylor whimpers.
"How can it be worse?!" Karlie exclaims in disbelief.
"I DON'T KNOW BUT IT'S WORSE!" Taylor yells.
"Okay! Okay!" Karlie exclaims. "I'm looking something up," Karlie says quickly, grabbing Taylor's phone from the counter. She firmly rubs Taylor's back and up and down as she Google searches a solution. "It says water makes it worse..." Karlie says darkly.
"KARLIE!"
"Okay! It says milk! We need milk!" Karlie says, quickly leaving Taylor's side, but returning seconds later with a gallon in hand. "How much should I put in a glass do you think?"
"KARLIE!" Taylor yells once more, pulling Karlie's arm towards her.
"Okay!" Karlie exclaims, taking the lid off the gallon of milk. "Don't move," Karlie warns, as she uses her free hand to firmly hold Taylor's jaw. Much more carefully and slowly than Taylor would like, Karlie pours a steady stream of milk on her eye, causing instant relief. "Is it working?" Karlie asks.
"Yeah," Taylor replies quietly, completely shocked by the sudden wave of comfort she now feels. Karlie sets the milk back on the counter and wipes off Taylor's face before the singer stands back up from the sink. She leans back against the countertop, completely stunned by what has just occurred. She looks up at Karlie, and she's her green eyes are shining, her lips firmly pressed together. "Karlie Kloss, don't you dare laugh at me," Taylor warns. Karlie raises her eyebrows, doing her best to keep her facial expression the same. "Don't do it. It's way too soon to laugh. I have severe post traumatic stress right now and—"
"You just pepper-sprayed yourself by accident!" Karlie bursts into laughter that bounces off the walls of the kitchen.
"Karlie!" Taylor exclaims, doing her best to keep a smile from her own face watching Karlie laugh. "That was the worst moment in the history of my life and you're laughing at me?!"
Karlie shakes her head and tries to silence her laughter as she kisses Taylor's forehead, but she begins laughing just as hard against her skin, saying, "You smell like milk!"
"Karlie..." Taylor warns, trying to keep her voice low but a giggle escapes her.
"You practically waterboarded yourself in the sink, you would've drowned if I wasn't here!" Karlie laughs.
Taylor begins to laugh right along with her, pulling the model in for a hug. I'm in love with you. "You know whose fault this is, right?" Taylor asks.
"Um, yours? You essentially took a pepper and rubbed it in your eye," Karlie laughs.
"If you weren't a vegan I wouldn't have been making this weird dinner in the first place. I could have lost an eye because of you!" Taylor exclaims.
"It's my fault?!" Karlie laughs, trying to feign outrage.
"It is completely your fault. Eat a burger, Karlie. It won't kill you! But it might just kill me if you don't!" Taylor says, doing a much better job at keeping a straight face than the laughing model. Karlie starts laughing even harder at that, and Taylor loses her straight face once more. "Okay, get away from me, I need to finish our dinner now," Taylor says shaking her head, pushing the lanky model away from her.
Even when Karlie has returned to her seat at the kitchen table, she continues to laugh. Taylor just shakes her head ignoring her, doing her best to put on a ruse of anger.
It isn't until when Karlie has finally stopped laughing, that Taylor says, "Okay, but imagine if I only had soy milk in my fridge because of you," spurring laughter all over again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You're really not going to eat a single one of these?" Karlie asks, dangling a jalapeño popper across from Taylor.
"No way. I hate jalapeños," Taylor replies.
"There are people starving you know, and all of these are going to go to waste. I can't eat them all," Karlie says.
"I would never give starving people jalapeños, Karlie. Because I'm a good person. And I wouldn't want to bring people such misery in their lives. And I thought you were a good person too until you just suggested that jalapeños are a thing that hungry people of the world would even want, and—"
"Oh. My. God," Karlie laughs, widening her eyes in disbelief. "Drama queen."
"Nope."
"Diva."
"Nope."
"High maintenance."
"Nope."
Karlie is quiet, doing her best to think of another word to throw at Taylor. She tries to keep a smile from her face as she stares into Taylor's blue eyes, wondering if she can keep a straight face longer than Taylor. Right when she has that thought, she can't help but smile, immediately losing the competition she had just thought up. I'm in love with you.
"You try so hard not to smile all the time and you fail so miserably, it's adorable," Taylor laughs as she leans forward, refilling Karlie's glass of wine.
Karlie laughs and rolls her eyes. "Hey, wait, why are you giving me so much wine?" Karlie asks, waving Taylor off.
"I just filled it back up to the top, you still had half a glass left," Taylor replies.
"Yeah, that's like the fourth time you've filled it like that. Your glass isn't even empty yet and that's your first glass!" Karlie says.
"Your glass hasn't been empty yet either," Taylor says simply, setting the bottle back down.
"Ah, yeah, because you keep refilling it every time it even gets near to it," Karlie replies. Taylor shrugs her shoulders with a smile, as Karlie suspiciously narrows her eyes. "What are you up to?"
"Nothing," Taylor says with a smile. "Are you done now?" Taylor asks, as she stands up, collecting her and Karlie's empty plates.
When Taylor begins placing the plates in her dishwasher, Karlie lifts the bottle of wine off the table only to find it empty. "Taylor! Why did you let me do this? You've only had half a glass so far!" Karlie exclaims.
Taylor doesn't reply but seems to laugh a bit as she looks at her. Karlie tries to glare at her, but with each passing moment she feels the alcohol begin to flood her bloodstream, making her begin to feel very bubbly and lightheaded, and most of all relaxed. A welcome feeling after the past twenty four hours. She leans back in her chair, watching Taylor take care of the dishes.
"Do you want to watch some TV?" Taylor asks, washing her hands before returning to Karlie.
When the model agrees and stands up, she realizes just how much she has drank without even realizing it. "Taylor," Karlie whines as she laughs, placing both of her hands on the table as she balances. "I have work tomorrow."
"It's still early, don't worry," Taylor laughs, taking Karlie's glass of wine from her. She links her arm with Karlie's and leads them out the room, holding each of their glasses of wine in hand.
Karlie plops down on the couch, suddenly feeling very cozy and comfortable when Taylor tosses a blanket over her, before pulling a small table closer to the couch for their glasses of wine.
"Are you drunk?" Taylor asks, taking a seat beside Karlie as she wraps an arm around the girl's shoulder.
"A little bit," Karlie replies. "Not a lot though."
"Okay," Taylor laughs.
"I really like your glasses," Karlie says, reaching out a finger and clumsily poking the frame.
"I know you do," Taylor laughs, gently grabbing Karlie's hand. "Come here," she says softly, pulling Karlie's shoulders closer, as she begins to firmly massage her upper back and shoulders.
"What are you doing?" Karlie asks, but breathing a sigh of comfort as she slumps her head forward, Taylor's hands rubbing out tenseness she didn't even know had been present.
"Remember when you always had to tell me to relax and not to worry about everything all the time?" Taylor asks.
"Mhm," Karlie hums, closing her eyes as Taylor's hand maintain their steady and slow massaging rhythm. Her body breaks out into goosebumps when her hands find a particularly tense area of her lower neck.
"I think it's my turn to tell you to relax and not to worry about everything," Taylor says softly, gently kissing the back of Karlie's neck.
"Yeah, I know," Karlie shivers.
"So you are worrying about everything?" Taylor asks, lowering her hands to the middle of Karlie's back now.
Just as Karlie is about to say yes, she turns her head back. "Did you get me drunk so I will talk?" Karlie asks suddenly.
Taylor's face breaks into a caught smile. "We don't need to talk right now," Taylor says, with a small laugh. "Lie down," Taylor says gently, prodding Karlie's shoulders forward.
"I don't trust you," Karlie mumbles, as she does as she told and lies face down on the couch, laying her head on the side to watch Taylor.
"Yes you do," Taylor replies, straddling Karlie's thighs and once more massaging the model's back. "You do, right?"
"Yes," Karlie breathes, another shiver wracking her body as Taylor firmly rubs both hands up the length of Karlie's back.
Karlie stares at her using her peripheral vision, looking at Taylor's focused gaze on the model's back, not even lifting her hands from Karlie's flesh when her bangs fall in her face. There's the smallest of smiles on her face, and Karlie's heart flutters, wanting to say those three words that are so difficult to speak while sober. Not like this. I don't want to tell her like this. I almost said it earlier, it's not the right time. But her heart begins to pound a bit harder, realizing this may be a difficult task to complete with alcohol tainting her system.
"Why are you staring at me like that?" Taylor asks. "Since when are you a suspicious drunk?"
"I'm not," Karlie replies.
"Close your eyes. I'm not going to trick you into talking, just relax," Taylor says.
Studying the singer for a final time, Karlie relents and closes her eyes, fully enjoying the sensation of touch, as Taylor expertly massages her back.
"Stubborn," Taylor mutters softly, causing Karlie to smile.
When Taylor slides her hands up Karlie's shirt, Karlie breathes an audible sigh of contentment, not even realizing how much something like this was needed.
When her hands run over her the hook of her bra twice, ruining the smoothness of the massage, Taylor says softly, "I'm going to unhook this, okay?"
Karlie nods her head, relaxing even more deeply into the couch cushions as Taylor unhooks the bra and widely rubs her hands along her upper back, to her shoulders, pushing aside the shoulder straps even further.
Karlie deeply inhales, keeping her eyes closed, doing her best to mute all of her senses except for touch, fully enjoying the contact. Her hands seem to find each knot in Karlie's back and shoulders, shocked by just how tense her back is in the first place. When did this happen?
Taylor's hands practically put her into a trance, she's sure she could fall asleep between the comforting physical affection and the warmth of a buzz of alcohol, but it's the type of comfortable that would just be a shame to sleep away. She deeply inhales once more, and breathing in the couch cushion is almost the same as breathing in Taylor. She takes another deep breath, enjoying the woodsy vanilla scent that clings to Taylor at all times, feeling secure because of the gentle pressure Taylor has applied with her body weight on Karlie's thighs.
Karlie shifts her head and stares at the clock on the wall, not even fully registering each minute that ticks by, completely consumed by Taylor's hands all along her bare back. It feels as though she has blinked, when suddenly over half an hour has passed.
"Taylor?" Karlie says, breaking a silence that was much longer than Karlie even realized until now.
"Yeah?" Taylor asks, slowing her hands along Karlie's back. When Karlie tries turning over beneath Taylor, the singer keeps her from moving for a moment to hook her bra.
"I'm...stressed out," Karlie says hesitantly, the words coming easier to her, with alcohol still in her system, although a bit less heavy than before.
Taylor nods her head. "That's okay."
"But I don't want you to worry," Karlie replies, looking up at Taylor.
"Karlie, I've been worrying about you more than I would if you just talked to me. Because then I have to try figuring out everything that you're thinking, it would just be a lot easier for both of us if you talked to me," Taylor says softly.
"But...I've been saying this whole time, for months, that I..."
"That you understood what you were getting into?" Taylor finishes.
Karlie looks up at her silently, not wanting to confirm it to be true.
"Karlie, when I was a teenager I thought I knew exactly what I was getting into when trying to have this career. I still have days when I think to myself 'I had no idea what I was getting into' and it's almost ten years later. I don't know how encouraging that is for you to hear, but you don't need to make yourself feel alone in this," Taylor replies. "I'm sorry that you have to deal with it."
"Don't say so—"
"But I am sorry, Karlie. I am, because I know you could have something much simpler. But we spent months going over that and I don't want to anymore, but I still am sorry," Taylor replies.
Karlie doesn't have much of a response to give, so she simply shrugs her shoulders and wraps an arm around Taylor's waist, keeping her even more tightly straddled against her. "But I promised, thought I understood everything—"
"Karlie, you're not doing anything wrong by being overwhelmed," Taylor says quickly. "You're doing something wrong by not talking to me, if anything."
Karlie sits up and leans forward against Taylor's chest, the movement far more clumsy than it would be ordinarily. "I just feel like...all of a sudden, there are so many things happening. So many things that could...go wrong somehow. And I thought we could be done with that."
"What things?" Taylor asks.
Karlie shrugs her shoulders, still feeling the need to protect Taylor from worry.
"Karlie," Taylor says softly, an edge of disappointment to it.
"Like everything, I don't know," Karlie mumbles.
"Speak," Taylor encourages with a small smile, playfully shaking her shoulders.
"I mean, obviously yesterday with Tree was... it was..." Karlie hesitates, unsure if she has just the right words to explain what exactly that meeting was but Taylor is nodding her head, encouraging her forward. "It was just scary to see that side of things. I thought that maybe...we had similar lives, just having unconventional careers but...but that wasn't something that I knew existed. That was..."
"It's intimidating," Taylor offers.
"Yeah, I mean, other things too but..." Karlie shrugs. "But it's more than that. It's like, all of a sudden everything going on with my family and friends seems so overwhelming. Except for Cara, they all have no idea. I finally told my mom today about not being together with Josh, and minutes later I had texts and phone calls from my sisters that I'm still avoiding. I don't even know where to begin telling them anything. I've never in my entire life kept things from my family and friends and...I know why I did keep things from them, but I never want to be someone who dates someone and then just suddenly I grow apart from people," Karlie pauses and takes a breath, but Taylor is encouraging her to keep talking. Now that she's finally saying words out loud of only the vague thoughts she has had, it's almost relieving to continue. "Jourdan thinks we are growing apart and that you've replaced her or something, and she just has no idea how wrong that it is. But I can't explain it to her. I feel like I can't just tell people things because of those...those contracts. I mean I have so much more to explain to them than I thought I would."
"I never want you to feel like I'm keeping you from being close with people," Taylor replies. "I never want that, but I'm so grateful that you're selfless enough to have done that for me so far to keep me feeling comfortable. I'm not going to ask you to do that anymore. I know the contracts are scary but we can talk through them, we can figure out things to say to our friends to make it easier. I don't mean to take this away from you, but never in my life have I kept things from my family and friends either. I never want to be someone who grows apart from people because of someone I'm dating either. You never have to feel alone with these things, Karlie, we're going through this together," Taylor assures her softly.
Karlie nods her head and quickly looks downward. I've been so stupid. "I just forgot I guess. Yesterday it felt like...I felt alone because when Tree was talking you were so, like, used to everything and okay with everything. And I just wasn't at all, and I didn't think you'd understand how I felt."
"Even if you thought that it doesn't mean you can't talk to me, Karlie. You should have been telling me all of this stuff all along," Taylor replies. She twirls a lock of Karlie's hair in her fingers, "I tell you everything. And you always find a way to make me feel better when I need it. And that's a great feeling for me to have knowing you're there for me, and I want you to feel the same way."
"I know you're here for me," Karlie mutters, her cheeks growing pink.
"You haven't been acting like it," Taylor replies.
"I don't want you to worry," Karlie says.
"I'm twenty four years old, Karlie. And we're doing this together. I don't want you to keep things from me," Taylor replies.
Karlie tentatively nods her head. I'm in love with you. "And then there's Josh."
Although Taylor nods her head in encouragement as she has been doing all along, the movement seems a bit more stiff at the mention of Josh. "Can I ask the questions here for a second?" Taylor asks.
Karlie purses her lips but nods her head, feeling as though this is going to be the tough subject of the night.
"First of all, it really felt horrible to hear that you spoke to him without me ever even knowing about it. I never would have known about it if it wasn't for Tree asking," Taylor begins, speaking quietly. "I just thought you would have told me something like that. And I had no idea that he was financially involved in so many of your projects. I don't know why but that just makes me feel...strange. And I had no idea about that stuff. And...you brought up marriage. And I have no idea what happened during the Fourth of July weekend because I didn't want to be nosy, but aren't there just some things you should tell me?" Taylor asks.
There is no anger in her voice, no tones of accusation, but Karlie is surprised to find herself struggling to meet and hold Taylor's stare. "When he called it wasn't about us at all, it was actually about you. And it wasn't a big deal and I just forgot about it," Karlie explains.
"What do you mean it was about me?" Taylor asks, appearing to become guarded.
"He randomly called and, oh it was the day you were in the Wall Street Journal! When you wrote that piece, and he called because...I forget...he called because he was wondering about what you wrote. He wanted to know if you were going to take your songs away from Spotify or something," Karlie replies.
"Why would he ask you that?" Taylor asks, her voice a bit cold.
"I don't know," Karlie replies surprised. "He just knows we are friends, I guess."
"You don't think it's weird that he asked you that?" Taylor asks.
Karlie is surprised and simply shrugs her shoulders and shakes her head. "I don't know."
"Why does he even care what I do?" Taylor asks.
"Thrive is a top investor in Spotify," Karlie replies. "It was just business. A five minute phone call. I wouldn't have told him anything even if I did know what was going on."
"I had no idea he was a top investor in Spotify," Taylor replies sounding mostly surprised but with an edge to her voice. "I don't like that he did that. That's my business you know. My music is my company. I'm as much a CEO as he is, you know, and he knows that that was a low phone call. He tried finding out things he has no right to know," Taylor replies steadily, but an anger is lurking somewhere in her voice.
"I guess I just wasn't thinking about it that much," Karlie replies, unsure if this anger is towards her.
"You should have told me about that. I don't like that he did that at all," Taylor replies.
"I'm sorry, I should have told you. I had just landed and gotten into the my hotel—"
"It's okay. But...if he does something like that again you need to tell me, okay?" Taylor replies.
Karlie nods her head, somehow feeling as though she has just dodged a bullet. Why do I feel like that?
"But what about that weekend. The Fourth of July, what happened?" Taylor asks.
Karlie sighs. "It was just...he's been in my life for so long. You know I wanted to maybe try and be friends with him if I could. At least make things right between us," Karlie begins.
"Yeah, and I was honestly shocked that he agreed to be friends. I thought that seemed too soon," Taylor replies.
"You didn't mention that before," Karlie says, sounding surprised.
"I know."
Karlie pauses, waiting for Taylor to say more, but she is quick to realize that isn't happening. "He...if we were still together that weekend he was going to ask me to marry him. And—"
"You didn't think that is something to tell me when you get back from a weekend like that?!" Taylor interrupts, a measured amount of outrage in her voice.
"Can you listen? I'm finally talking and you—"
"Okay," Taylor replies quickly. "I'm sorry."
"I told him that I'm twenty one years old, I don't care who I'm with but I would never say yes to anyone right now. And, I mean, we weren't even at that stage in our relationship at all. I don't know why he thought that was a good idea," Karlie says quietly, shaking her head as she thinks back to her initial feelings of horror and guilt when first realizing that an engagement ring was in her midst.
"How could you not tell me that, Karlie? Why wouldn't you tell me that?" Taylor asks dangerously quietly, a mixture of shock and mild disgust on her face.
"Taylor, that was the first time in months that I felt okay. Months. I felt so guilty for so long and I finally felt okay. I didn't want to get into it, that part of my life was over, and I didn't want you to worry," Karlie replies briskly, her voice wielding a slight prickle of annoyance now.
"You not telling me things because you don't want me to worry needs to stop, okay?" Taylor replies. "That's not fair to me."
Even if her words weren't cruel or inflammatory, Karlie felt as though she has just been given an order and she bites down on her bottom lip. "A lot of things going on aren't fair to me, at least when I do something that isn't fair it's because I care about you," Karlie replies sharply, saying something she probably wouldn't have if wine still wasn't clouding her judgement.
"I care about you," Taylor says quickly. "How could you even say that to me after everything?"
"That's not what I'm saying!" Karlie exclaims. "I'm just saying, there are a lot of unfair things going on. At least when I'm unfair it's for a better reason."
"Everything I do is because I care about you. I know a lot of what has been going on is unfair, especially yesterday with Tree, but that entire thing happened because I care about you. If I didn't care about you I never would even be risking all of this for you," Taylor replies, frustration riddling her voice.
"Oh, sorry I'm such a burden," Karlie replies, rolling her eyes, pushing at Taylor's side to prompt her to get off of Karlie's body.
Taylor lifts a leg over Karlie, no longer straddling her. "You know that isn't what I meant. Don't twist it like that," Taylor says quietly, and although she sounds more subdued than before there is still a presence of annoyance in her voice.
"I'm not twisting anything! Do you think I felt like a human being yesterday at all?! I felt like a liability, not your girlfriend! How did you feel okay yesterday? You just transformed from a person to like a...a real life breathing company right in front of me!" Karlie exclaims, and she regrets her voice immediately, because she is the first to break the average volume that they both have been keeping.
"I didn't mean to make you feel that way, Karlie! That's not how you should feel!" Taylor exclaims, matching her volume.
"How come?! I am a liability! Look up the definition of liability!" Karlie replies quickly, and stubbornly.
"Anyone I will ever date is a liability. I learned that the hard way. Okay? So fine, yes, you're a liability. But I'm a liability to you, too. Your entire life could change because of me, maybe for the worse in ways I never want for you. But guess what, Karlie? Anyone you have strong feelings for becomes a liability because there's always a chance something could go wrong," Taylor replies. "You can throw around that word and make it sound dirty and wrong all you want, but falling for someone is always a risk. Letting yourself be vulnerable is always a risk, there's always a liability."
Karlie is quiet, completely stumped by that answer. She isn't sure how to feel. Angry? Sad? Can I even feel happy with a reply like that? "I don't want to be thought of as a liability."
"I think of you as so much more than that, if I didn't then obviously the negatives would just outweigh the positives and we wouldn't even be here having this conversation," Taylor replies.
"Oh, so I can be summarized in a list of pros and cons?" Karlie asks, practically spitting the words.
"No! You're not! And you know that! And for someone who has made me so happy and convinced me that I can do normal things and feel normal sometimes to say that I didn't seem like a human being yesterday really really sucks," Taylor replies, completely stunning Karlie.
Shit. "No, Tay—"
"But I know that's not what you meant. I know that isn't how you really feel and the words came out wrong. I can look past those words because I know how you feel so why can't you do the same?" Taylor asks. "You keep nit picking my words. Of course you're more than a burden to me, of course you're more than a liability to me, of course you're more than a list of pros and cons. You must know that? You have to realize how strongly I feel about you?" Taylor asks, sounding completely exasperated.
You might have strong feelings for me but I'm in love with you and that's the difference. "I do. I know," Karlie replies shaking her head. "It just, yesterday felt like shit okay? I hated yesterday. And I—"
"I hated yesterday too, Karlie. But I knew that yesterday was my fault and if anyone needed to be supportive yesterday it was me. I wanted to be there for you because yesterday was my world. But I hated yesterday, you know what made it better though? Being able to have a nice night with you. It made it worth it," Taylor replies. Her voice sounds argumentative, but her words are anything but that.
Karlie feels immature for still feeling frustrated. She shouldn't feel like this is an argument that she is losing, and needs to win. I feel like she's missing something, but even I don't even know what that is. "You have an answer for everything," Karlie mutters, leaning back against the couch cushion feeling frustrated.
"Is there something wrong with that?" Taylor asks softly.
Karlie sighs, and the long exhale somehow seems to release some of the anger she has been harboring. "No," Karlie replies, looking to Taylor's worried blue eyes with a bit of a sheepish expression. Taylor offers her a small smile and gently links their hands. "Why do I feel like we've been arguing a lot lately?"
"It's just been a weird twenty four hours," Taylor shrugs. "We're okay."
"I feel like we somehow ended up right back where we started in the middle of April. Going back and forth," Karlie replies sadly.
"Things are so much different than that Karlie!" Taylor assures her, squeezing her hand. "It's not like that at all. It's just a weird day. There's a lot going on."
"I guess you're right," Karlie relents.
"We're okay," Taylor insists.
"I know."
"You need to start talking to me, Karlie. We need to communicate, even more than we would if this was just a normal relationship. We are going to deal with a lot together," Taylor replies.
Karlie nods her head, nibbling on her lip. "I'll try, I just don't want you to worry."
"I'm going to rub jalapeños peppers in your eyes if you say that to me again," Taylor replies darkly.
Karlie gives her a quick laugh, feeling a little better hearing the joke. Maybe I have something good to share too. "Wait, Taylor, you have the weekend off right? And a couple of the days around it?"
"Yeah," Taylor replies slowly.
"Taylor, come to Sweden with me! There's this hotel there, the TreeHotel, it's completely isolated. No one will ever know we're there. And who knows when the next time we'll be able to do that again? I mean, you're going to be so busy pretty soon," Karlie replies, a smile on her face. Why isn't she smiling back?
"Karlie..." Taylor says slowly. "I don't know if I can just, like, decide to go to Sweden?"
"I know it's last minute, but I didn't know I was going to have this hotel room. It wasn't going to feel like a vacation before, but now it will. Josh booked a room and I'm just going to—"
"What?" Taylor asks incredulously.
"Oh, right," Karlie pauses. "Okay, today was really awkward with Josh but it doesn't really matter," except he basically saw all of your NDAs and also brought up the cat sticker again and also knows that my girlfriend lives within walking distance of me but anyway, "He said that when we were still together he booked this hotel for us. But he can't cancel because it's too late, and it's a really popular hotel, and you have to look it up Taylor it's amazing! But he told me to just take the reservation, so now—"
"What? Karlie? No, you can't do that!" Taylor interrupts suddenly.
"No, I thought it was weird too at first but—"
"Because it is weird, Karlie," Taylor replies sharply. "He's your ex-boyfriend, he shouldn't even like you to be honest. He should hate you, and I know that is partly my fault but still," Taylor adds. "If he doesn't hate you it's just because he wants to get back together with you."
Well, yeah, I know. Karlie silently stares back at Taylor, mad that she can't just be excited about a potential vacation for them. Their first vacation as a couple. Her and Josh's first vacation together was so— Stop. That doesn't matter.
"Karlie, you can't just let your ex-boyfriend put you up in a hotel room for the weekend," Taylor says, breaking the silence. "That's...that just isn't a thing that happens. And quite honestly I don't feel comfortable with it as your girlfriend."
"Okay, I thought it was weird too, but either way he's paying for the hotel. So either I stay in it or no one does, either way he's paying and it's there," Karlie replies.
"Babe," Taylor says, shaking her head and squeezing her hand. "I don't really feel comfortable knowing that you'd be staying at a hotel Josh is paying for."
"Just come with me then, we won't even think about him. I'll pay him back, he doesn't want me to but I will," Karlie replies. "He's just trying to be nice, Taylor. He's nice, you would like him—"
"No offense, but I don't think it is completely awful of me to not want to hear you talking so highly of your ex-boyfriend," Taylor replies darkly.
Karlie is shocked into silence, surprised by the comment. "Okay, fine. But...but let's just have a good time together there. It's amazing, you need to look it up—"
"Karlie, we can't go on a vacation right now. We can't do that," Taylor insists.
"Why not?" Karlie asks, and the disappointment in her voice sounds too exposed, too vulnerable.
"Karlie..." Taylor hesitates, as if waiting for the model to put it together herself. "We're trying to keep this on the down low, if you haven't realized," Taylor says sarcastically, trying to bring humor into the conversation.
"Tree even said yesterday that we could hide in plain sight and—"
"In New York City. On social media. Not on a vacation in a foreign country," Taylor interrupts.
"We went on the road trip," Karlie argues. Why can't she just be excited for a vacation? It's a miracle she even has the days off, it works out perfectly.
"We went on that road trip as friends," Taylor replies right back, beginning to sound frustrated once more.
"So what? As far as anyone else is concerned we can go on another vacation as friends too," Karlie replies.
"Karlie, my fans are calling us Kaylor. Like a couple," Taylor replies.
Karlie is shocked, staring at Taylor. "Since when?" Karlie asks.
"Since today, apparently," Taylor replies.
Karlie furrows her brow and looks away. "Well...they don't actually think we're together, right?"
"I don't think so, not right now they don't," Taylor answers.
"Well then...so what?" Karlie asks.
"You know we need to be more careful," Taylor says softly. "A vacation isn't careful."
"How can we be more careful?!" Karlie exclaims.
"Karlie, I thought we were going to have restrictions for when we could see each other! There are ways to be more careful, believe me! For starters, we could not see each other basically everyday," Taylor replies.
"And you would be okay with that?" Karlie exclaims. I fell so fast for her and she doesn't feel the same way, it just becomes more and more obvious.
"No, I wouldn't be okay with that, but I'd do anything to be with you, Karlie. So if I had to do that to be with you, I'd do it," Taylor replies.
"You wouldn't even be with me if we had to be apart. We don't need that entire charade just to be together!" Karlie exclaims.
"Well that isn't what we're doing anyway so it doesn't matter! We see each other everyday so we don't need to argue about it," Taylor says.
Karlie is quiet. "Please come to Sweden with me, it will be so much fun, Taylor."
"Babe, please," Taylor whines softly, kneeling on her knees on the couch, inching closer to Karlie, grasping both of her hands in her own. "Don't make me say no to you. I don't want to say no to you, I wish I could go to Sweden with you. I know we would have an amazing time, but I can't Karlie. We can't do that. When the album promo is done, maybe later Christmas we can go somewhere tropical and—"
"After Christmas?! It's July, Taylor!" Karlie exclaims.
"Karlie! I know, maybe there will be an opening sooner than that, but I can't know for sure until it gets closer—"
"We have this weekend! We have right now!" Karlie insists.
"No. We can't do that. We need to do things that are better for us in the long run and a vacation isn't it," Taylor replies sadly.
Karlie groans and shakes her head, crossing her arms in anger.
"At least tell me you understand why?" Taylor asks, sounding nervous.
"Yeah, I know," Karlie sighs, still unable to look at Taylor. Is it unfair for me to be mad?
"And...I don't want to be annoying, but I really don't feel comfortable being in the hotel Josh got for you," Taylor adds quietly.
Karlie groans and leans forward and puts her head in her hands. "I already cancelled my reservations at the other hotel."
"What? Why?!" Taylor replies, completely surprised.
"Because, I don't know, Josh was pressing me to do it. He made it seem like the best idea, and I still think it was the best idea, but I understand why you probably don't—"
"How long were you with him this morning to be constructing all of these plans?!" Taylor exclaims.
"I don't know, not that long! I don't know! It isn't a big deal, I thought it was at first too, but he convinced me—"
"He manipulated you! He's completely controlling!" Taylor interrupts. "He just dictated your entire weekend, do you realize that? And basically caused us to have a disagreement because suddenly you want to spring a vacation on me."
"Don't put that on him! It's your fault we aren't going to Sweden together, not him!" Karlie exclaims, jumping up.
"Why are you so quick to defend him?!" Taylor fires back.
"He hasn't done anything wrong!" Karlie exclaims.
"And I have?!" Taylor asks furiously.
Karlie groans and quickly sits up from the couch. Why is she being like this? "No, but, you're just being like—"
"I'm being like someone who you are presently dating, and how they would react when an ex is suddenly such a relevant part of our relationship apparently," Taylor says, throwing up her hands in mock surprise with a harsh smile on her face. "Funny enough, I don't think I did anything wrong with calling him controlling."
"If anyone is controlling it's YOU!" Karlie yells at the end, wishing she hadn't.
"ME?!" Taylor yells, standing up from the couch now herself.
"You give me fucking contracts to have sign just to talk with my family and friends!" Karlie exclaims, clapping her hands together for purely frustrated emphasis. She regrets the unconfined motion, as Taylor flinches at the unexpected sound. "You tell me what hotel I can and can't stay in!"
"You're being ridiculous right now and it's all because I somehow offended you by speaking negatively about Josh! How do you think that is supposed to make me feel?!" Taylor fires back, sounding completely exasperated.
"This isn't about Josh! It's about you!" Karlie exclaims.
"How can you even say that?!" Taylor asks incredulously. "You're so so wrong here, anyone could see that. You're defending an ex-boyfriend from me, how is that okay?!"
"I'M NOT!" Karlie yells.
"Then what exactly are you doing?!" Taylor exclaims.
Karlie swallows and roughly grits her teeth together. "I need to go," Karlie says, spinning on her heel towards the door.
"Go?!" Taylor exclaims suddenly, but sounding more panicked now than mad.
In seconds, due to the model's long legs and even longer strides, she is at the apartment door, roughly swinging it open.
"Karlie, wait, what are you doing?! Don't go, we need to talk about this!" Taylor says in a hushed whisper, trailing behind Karlie as she follows her down the hall and down flights of stairs.
"I can't sleepover anyway, because you don't want me doing that," Karlie replies, quickly going down the stairs in the hopes that she can get out of this building before she becomes emotional in front of Taylor.
"I do want you to sleepover! You don't understand, Karlie, I'm in l—"
"Taylor, you don't! You were the one who said I should spend more nights at my place!" Karlie huffs, moving quicker and quicker down the stairs as she nears the lobby of the apartment.
"Please, Karlie! What are you doing?! We're okay, we just need to talk about all of this, what are you doing this for?" Taylor asks, somehow managing to keep pace with the athletic model. "Please, babe, I'm sorry I yelled."
"Taylor, I can't do this right now! I'm freaking out!" Karlie says, and her voice cracks horribly, her emotions getting the best of her, echoing off the walls of the stairwell. Taylor grabs and her shoulder and keeps her still on the staircase. Karlie grudgingly turns around and looks up to meet Taylor's stare, stairs above her, knowing tears are now brimming on her eyelids.
"Stay here then, freak out here. It's okay, Karlie, why can't you just stay here?" Taylor says, keeping her volume low, but her pitch is high, worried. "We've...we've been through worse, we've seen each other at our worst. Why does it matter now? I've seen you upset before, just stay here, we'll be okay."
Karlie begins wavering in her decision to leave, but she hates feeling tears beginning to stream down her cheeks. "I'm freaking out," Karlie whispers. "I'm stressed out."
"I know, Karlie, just don't go. You're allowed to feel this way. It will be alright, we'll figure it out," Taylor pleads. She keeps a hand firmly on Karlie's shoulder and with her other hand she reaches out for Karlie's hand, giving it a reassuring pulse. "Please."
Just when Karlie begins to nod her head, a door is heard being pushed open on a flight of stairs above them, causing Taylor to quickly release both hands that she has on Karlie. As if Karlie could feel any worse about the situation, seeing just how quickly Taylor could be ready to let go of her at the slightest whisper of danger crushes her. She had just been consumed by Taylor's touch, it had been a temporary anchor for her for a few brief seconds, but Taylor hadn't felt that connection at all. How could she have just let go that quick?
Karlie quickly turns and once more resumes her descent down the stairs, wiping at her tears as she goes.
"Karlie, please!" Taylor pleads, and her voice echoes slightly along the stairwell, the riskiest thing she has done since leaving the apartment.
Karlie ignores her and continues, "Taylor, I just need to calm down. I can't calm down here, this isn't as a big of a deal as you're making it out to be. I'll be back tomorrow." She has reached the bottom of the stairs and is about to go into the lobby, and then lastly the apartment building's doors. She knows Taylor won't follow her into the lobby, it is too public of a setting.
"Wait!" Taylor exclaims.
Karlie bites her lip, wondering if she should turn around or not. She glances behind her, giving Taylor a chance to say something.
"If you leave right now...Karlie, I'm asking you to stay. I'm begging you to stay here. And I've had people leave before, and it's been just like this, and it's never the same after. If you leave right now...Karlie I am really scared right now and I'm asking you to stay. And that's as point blank as I can be. Please don't scare me and leave right now. Please stay here," Taylor says, her voice started strong but turned into a teary whisper at the end.
Karlie's heart stops, realizing that after everything she has told Taylor, about being unfairly compared to her previous ex's and expected to make their mistakes, here she was playing the part Taylor always feared her to play. Without even realizing it, she had just been leaving in a way Taylor had told her she feared for months, it was what took Karlie so long to push through Taylor's walls. How dare she behave this way, after promising Taylor that she was different.
"I'm not going anywhere," Karlie replies unsteadily, returning to Taylor quickly with a powerful and reassuring hug, as Taylor nods her head causing some tears to fall. "I—I don't know why I— I just don't want you to ever worry about me or us, and I don't want you to see me emotional like that anymore, because of how horrible the last couple of months were for us. I don't want you to see me like that anymore."
"I'm going to worry about you, Karlie, when you shut me out," Taylor replies, fully encasing Karlie in just as strong a hug at the bottom of the staircase.
"I won't do that anymore," Karlie promises. I'm in love with you.
"Come back upstairs," Taylor whispers, separating from their hug and leading Karlie upwards by the hand.
Karlie follows behind Taylor, suddenly overly appreciative of the simple pleasure of holding hands with her girlfriend.
But the returning climb up the stairs to Taylor's apartment, feels like a far longer journey than it had walking down them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
July 16, 2014
Karlie sighs and takes a shallow sip of her hot coffee, as she flattens out the newspaper on her table. It's relaxing, to sit in the Momofuku Milk Bar bakery before her monthly Karlie's Kookies meeting. She's exhausted, having stayed up later than planned with Taylor both last night and the night before last, but her favorite coffee is helping.
She arrived early to the meeting, just because she enjoys to environment of the bakery, and of course the sweets were an added bonus. It is peaceful.
A familiar hand grazes her shoulder, and when she looks up her mouth drops when staring up at the smiling Josh. He takes a seat across from Karlie, and takes out his own newspaper. Was that pleasantly familiar, or just familiar?
"Hello," Josh says easily.
"What are you doing here?" Karlie asks, dumbfounded.
"It's the investors' meeting today. It's the six month mark," Josh replies.
"Oh, right," Karlie remembers, shaking her head. Of course. "You're here early."
"So are you," Josh shrugs.
She's saved from an awkward silence when there is a light tap on her shoulder, she turns and is faced with two young teenage girls.
"Um...can we take a picture with you?" the taller of the two asks, her face blushed red.
"Of course!" Karlie says with a smile, mildly surprised by the request. She stands to her full height and takes the iPhone from her shaking hand, and quickly passes it to Josh without even looking at him. She puts an arm around each girl and crouches a little lower to adjust for the height difference, feeling oddly about smiling in Josh's direction as he takes the picture.
"Thank you," both girls shyly say with a smile, as Karlie retrieves the phone back. "You're really pretty."
"So are you young ladies!" Karlie says, quickly rubbing the shoulder of the girl who had so uneasily spoken.
"That was cute," Karlie says, as she sits back down across from Josh.
"In all the times I've been out with you, I've never seen that happen," Josh observes.
"I know. It happens during fashion week sometimes, but," Karlie says, finishing her statement with a shrug.
"Paparazzi have been getting different since the spring, too," Josh observes.
"Yup," Karlie replies easily, eager to look back to her newspaper in search of the serenity she was feeling before Josh's arrival.
"It must be because you've been hanging out with Taylor so much," Josh replies.
Karlie glances up from her newspaper, and sees that Josh has folded his hands on the table as he sits across from her. "I mean, maybe more people recognize me."
"Yeah, that must be it," Josh agrees. "Because you really have been spending a lot of time with her. You're seen with her a lot."
"Yeah," Karlie agrees, the hair on the back of her neck suddenly rising. "She's a great friend."
"It's nice that she lives so close, too. You can walk to her apartment even, I bet," Josh adds. "You could even be roommates, no one would ever know."
Karlie is quiet, but suddenly she feels very near to tears, or yelling, or some sort of anxious reaction. "I mean...I guess," Karlie answers, feeling both surprised and proud of how neutral her voice sounds.
"It's really cool that she moved out here. I never would have thought she would come to New York City, I mean, you're practically her only friend here," Josh says, and the more he speaks the lower his volume gets, requiring him to lean closer to Karlie over the table.
"She has lots of friends," Karlie replies, evading the point of the statement.
"I mean, after the road trip you guys have been basically inseparable, except for weird little periods in between I think," Josh says.
"We're both busy people," Karlie answers.
"Sure," Josh agrees. "She put that sticker on your phone?" Josh asks, pointing to the iPhone lying facedown on the table.
"Yes," Karlie replies, as she flips the phone over.
"It's just a question," Josh asks, cocking an eyebrow at her action. Karlie isn't sure what to say, but she feels very trapped, wondering just where this is going, but knowing exactly what it means. "But really, it is great she moved here. Remember that time when I was away and you were sick? And when I got there early that morning, she was there to open the door for me. It was so early too, she spent the night with you when you were sick. That was really nice."
"Yeah," Karlie agrees, her voice beginning to betray her true feelings.
"Can I ask you something?" Josh says, leaning even closer to Karlie across the table, his voice barely above a whisper.
"No," Karlie replies, scared, no terrified, by the question she's positive he will ask.
Josh cracks a small smile, and somehow, despite everything, it brings her a feeling of comfort. She knows Josh, and she knows his characteristics and habits, and none of them are threatening. "The weekend we spent at Taylor's Rhode Island home made me sure I wanted to ask you to marry me," Josh says, quiet as can be, forcing Karlie to even lean closer. "Because you were so happy, for the most part. You seemed so happy, and I was happy to see you so happy. And I even thought maybe because we were together, on a nice trip with friends, you were happy," Josh says, but his smile is beginning to turn sad, his eyes dark. "So I thought, this is happiness. She feels it too, she'll say yes. But then, you broke up with me. A day after we got back. How could you feel so unhappy, but be so happy with me, Taylor, and Austin that weekend?"
If Josh wants an answer from her, she isn't giving it. She would never trust her voice now, her heart is hammering so hard against her chest her throat is searing from the pain of the vibrations. Her hands are shaking worse than the girl's hand who requested a picture be taken. Her eyes feel both very dry and watery, and the peaceful bustle of the bakery surrounding them completely fades away, she is completely focused on Josh. She's convinced she is so focused on Josh, that she can even hear his hair bristle as he runs a nervous hand through the dark mess.
"So, Karlie, can I ask you something?" Josh asks, his voice a lower whisper than it has been before.
Karlie shakes her head, no. Please don't. Please don't ask me anything Josh.
Josh slowly nods his head, a smile tugging at his cheeks but never taking shape, but there is no happiness in his eyes. His brown eyes are unreadable when he finally leans away from Karlie and fully stretches his arms upwards before linking his hands atop of his head. He stares up at the bakery's ceiling, very audibly exhaling. He looks as though he has just completed something very difficult, and he was basking in a tragic feeling of relief, yet still haunted by the completed task at hand. "I don't get a lot of Instagram notifications. And I got a strange notification on an old picture of you. I posted it months ago. It said 'Kaylor.'"
He knows about me and Taylor.
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i'M SORRY, I KNOW I SAID I WOULD UPLOAD THIS IN TWELVE HOURS BUT I HAVEN'T BEEN HOME AND I HAD A REALLY CRAZY DAY/NIGHT. TO MAKE UP FOR IT, I'M NOT GOING TO SPLIT UP CHAPTER 7 I WILL UPLOAD BOTH PARTS AT ONCE IN LESS THAN TWENTY FOUR HOURS.