TITLE: The Five Cursed Witches: Volume 1 - Zoe, the witch of innocence
AUTHOR: High_Priestess_Elena
GENRE: Fantasy
CHAPTERS I'VE READ: Six
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This review details my opinion. At the end of the day, this is your story, and you know it better than anyone. My opinion is merely that, and it is subjective. I perceived it a certain way and you do not have to agree, since it mostly comes down to my preferences.
Plot
The plot follows Zoe, a witch with a curse: she kills everything she touches. Used as a tool by her coven, she kills based on the word of her coven superiors. I liked this plot, and I think it sets up a great story arc: Zoe must use her curse to either escape from the coven controlling her, or find a way to better use her ability—which she herself thinks of as a curse rather than as a powerful weapon. I think there are a lot of moments where the story takes care to set up ideas that come up later on, such as mentioning the Library before the characters go there, that lend to a cohesive storyline. The plot therefore feels very solid to me. The only point I would clarify is why Zoe cannot escape from her coven: has she tried before? I get the sense her curse is very powerful, and I'm curious as to why and how she's accepted her fate as a pawn in the Priestess's game. Besides this minor point, I found the plot enjoyable, and I really enjoyed what I read, especially how the plot was explained in a way that connected with other elements such as character and story, and I enjoyed learning as my reading continued.
Characters
Since Zoe is the main lens through which we view the story, I will say that I think it's great that her arc is set up immediately. She has to learn how to appreciate herself and her ability. Some of the aspects of her character, such as her exact age (I think at one point, she mentions having been thirty, then forty, though her narration reads younger to me: does aging work differently as a witch?) could be more clear. As well, I understand and like that she feels cursed by her ability, which in its current state does seem to be used for nothing but death; why though, does she think she isn't pretty? I'd like to have seen that idea explored in a bit more detail. Does her appearance remind her of her mother, and that's why? Finally, one way I think the reader's proximity to Zoe could be increased is by detailing her thoughts more often. I got a good sense of her voice through her narration, and I would have liked to see more italicized inner thoughts from her, which would help us see into her perspective. Since this story is written in first person, getting deep into the main character is crucial, and something I think would help a little in understanding Zoe. She is an interesting perspective to follow, with her obedience to her Priestess but her ability to lie to her by changing the wine labels, and I think those moments of character helped understand her.
World
I think the world-building here is really nice. There's a nice integration of detail as the chapters continue, so we learn at a good pace that doesn't feel overwhelming. Smaller details introduced early on come back in later chapters, and I especially liked that Zoe learns about her mate and sets out to find more about him before finally meeting him, leading to a better sense of tension. My only suggestions here would be to make the writing more specific in certain places, to help create an immersive story. In scenes like the one in first chapter, where Zoe uses the cooling-box-fridge, the description of it being "wooden" and "standing in the corner" help us picture what she's using, while also making us understand how what she's using is different from a human-world fridge. Small descriptions are all that's necessary to make it clear to a reader, and oftentimes, these can go hand-in-hand with character details and plot, such as when Zoe goes to the Library. Scenes like this could benefit from being slightly more specific about her interactions with the surroundings, so as to better bring us into the scene. I can tell you have a very clear idea of the world and how it functions, so I think it's just a matter of bringing them into a bit more focus. I really liked seeing the setting and getting to explore different locations.
General Thoughts I Had While Reading
Chapter One:
There is some great world building happening here, especially with the magical cooling technology!
The science-lover within me is very interested in what sort of tests she had to do to confirm her magic.
That she even wants to be touched by spiders and rats really lends to that feeling of desire. Good motivation!
There are also some really nice character moments here, both when she prepares food "just to have something to do with her hands" and the plant ritual at the end. Good stuff!
Excellent chapter ending, especially for your first chapter.
Chapter Two:
"One time I believed the smiles were genuine" - love it!
Zoe seems to wear a lot of black, too. I find it kind of curious that she comments on the fact that the Priestess only wears black when she does the same thing.
Heh, so the Priestess is a hypocrite and comes quite often. These details are nicely woven into the narration without it having to mention them explicitly.
I wonder, does the Priestess have something to do with the attacks? She certainly seems capable of it.
Chapter Three:
I like the father-daughter relationship.
How corrupt is this coven?
How old exactly is Zoe?
I wonder why she doesn't take out the Priestess and her underlings, then run to somewhere secluded. Unless somehow that isn't possible. Right now though, Zoe's power seems to be quite strong.
Chapter Four:
I like that she's coming there for so long that she's a regular, but also she isn't. There's a nice division there between her being a witch who knows more than mortals, while the mortals do not recognize her as someone who is both way older than them and knows more than they do.
It's nice that the owners know her. It also shows just how much she's allowed to say about being a witch—since the guy doesn't know what she's doing is magic—that her presence is somewhat accepted but is still passed down as a sort of trade secret from owner to owner. It's interesting as a dynamic, and it's a good way to subtly introduce a world-building concept.
Chapter Five:
There's an intrigue at the end here with her having to ask the "right" question—I wonder if that is implying she's asking the wrong question somehow, and that's why she keeps getting the answer that doesn't quite make sense. This is actually one of my favourite world building concepts: you create a world 'rule,' and then you spend a significant amount of time explaining how and why that rule is often wrong and can be broken. I do like a story that explores the idea that even in-universe, hard-and-fast rules don't necessarily always exist, and are not without exceptions.
Chapter Six:
Where is Hartford in relation to where Zoe lives?
Ooh, I do love the reveal here of her mate. It's a great character moment: we know already that Zoe wants so deeply to touch something, anything, and now she's faced with the person she is mates with, so we wonder both: can she touch her mate? How will that affect her desire for human contact, and thus her previous statement that she's already accepted that being able to touch will never happen for her?
Other thoughts for your consideration
These are suggestions for grammar/phrasing/other tidbits that I picked up on, not related to the story itself.
Chapter One:
Your first few paragraphs set up the tone for your story. The first line is often considered important for bringing readers into the scene by hooking them to the point that they have to know what happens.
Ideally, a first line has two jobs: to make the reader ask questions and want to know more, and to establish tone.
I think your first line, while establishing a tone for the story, could serve better if it came after what I think the real hook here is. It comes a few paragraphs later—My skin was cursed and anything that was alive that came into contact with my skin would instantly die.
Why do I think this feels like a first line? It establishes character, it makes me ask questions, and it establishes a tone (though, a slightly different tone than the one you have currently). The paragraphs that follow the current first line appear to be more reflective and backstory focused—so shifting them to come after this hooking opening line would amp up the tension.
Throughout these first few paragraphs, the use of passive verbs such as was could often be eliminated. As well, there is a bit of repetition that I think could be removed for a smoother reading experience.
Let's take this paragraph:
The clothes I was always wearing didn't fit the summer weather at all. I wore a long-sleeved green dress that went all the way to the ground and up my neck. On my hands I had black gloves that reached my elbows under my dress. I also wore black leggings and a pair of black high-heeled boots. On days when the sun shone brightly my clothes would make it unbearably warm.
In this paragraph, we are establishing a) that every inch of the character's skin is covered, b) that the time period is fairly modern, due to the clothes, and c) that her clothes don't fit the time of year.
This leads us to ask why. However, I feel that this paragraph could be shorter, establishing the same idea in less time and while taking out the repetitive phrases and passive verbs.
My suggestion:
The clothes I always wore didn't fit the summer weather. My long-sleeved green dress (cascaded, billowed, etc) all the way from my neck to the ground. Black gloves reached my elbows, (matching, complimenting, etc), my leggings and high-heeled boots. On days when the sun shone(,) my clothes would make it unbearable.
Changes -> Was is eliminated anywhere I saw it was possible to do so without taking away from the point we're conveying. Words such as I wore have also been taken away because we can infer the character is wearing them from the first sentence. The repetition of black has been combined with a previous description so that the word isn't used multiple times in the same paragraph. Finally, adverbs such as brightly and unbearably have been either removed or switched out for the adjective form, in the case of unbearable, because in this second case, I think it reads better and contributes to character voice.
In the sentence, since I exited my mother womb, there is a minor grammar error here, as it should be mother's.
There is a bit of telling (as opposed to showing) when the father's sadness and then worry, are both given to us. In the first instance, I think you've established what he's feeling by describing his frown - and in the second instance, intense worry could be tweaked by explaining slightly what that looks like (eyes creasing, eyebrows lowering, etc).
Chapter Two:
For the unmistakable popping sound, I think this is something that could be explained in a bit more detail. How does she recognize it? Does it sound like a wind chime? A bubble burst?
Dialogue tags:
Sometimes, both dialogue and action beats are present in the same conversation. So, I admit I do this too—describing the dialogue and then describing the actions that follow it. However, it will slow the pace of a conversation down quite a bit. So, in sentences like, she said and took another sip, consider, "[...] How that could possibly pass for wine, I do not understand." She took a sip.
I felt my stomach tighten — here, I would suggest simply, my stomach tightened.
Chapter Four:
When Zoe says, I really did hate that about being in public, I think this is more of an internal thought than something in narration. The way I would integrate this into the flow a bit more would be to italicize it. I say this because in narration, it feels like it's telling a bit too much, while as an inner thought, it would express character.
Chapter Five:
Minor — in the sentence, In an instance, I think it should be instant.
In the sentence room full of shelves and a million books — this is an example of a place where some more specific language could help pull a reader into the scene. Consider best phrasing: a room where the shelves explode with shelves, to the point that the books are falling off? So many books that they stack high to the ceiling, covering the whole floor? What I mean by these questions is that I know by what you have written now that there are a lot of books, though not in what manner they are—how there being a lot of books affects Zoe's passage into the room, and by extension, how what you've established connects to everything else. Saying they spill over onto the floor, for example, would cause your main character to have to skirt around them for fear of stepping on one, and this contributes to a more engaging scene.
In a sense, it's (kind of) a smaller version of Chekhov's gun, right? You've put the character in a room with a million books, so having her interact with them, even for a second, makes it feel consequential.
I understand the connection to Oakes—however, the bridge between her noticing the books and reading the names and stumbling upon Oakes could be more overt. How does she end up in that section, and what does the book look like? I think the tension would be greater if she noticed this strange book first, picked it up, and then we have the "Oakes" line. This way we 'move' through the scene with Zoe.
Chapter Six:
This is more of personal preference: in first person narration, I often think the word "you" can be eliminated. It usually calls an unknown amount of people into question, and just makes me wonder who the character is thinking of when they say it. So, in the sentence, didn't drain you on energy, consider, didn't drain me on energy.
Minor — snaped me should be snapped me.
"Know" and "realize": there are a few of these scattered throughout, which can be removed as they are implied. So, sentences like, I knew I would have loved to live there could become, I would have loved to live there. These creep up in alternative ways too, such as in the sentence, Just when I decided it was time to leave to come up with a plan, this could be written as Just when it was time to leave...
Not only does this save you a few words, it also makes the character through which we are viewing the action feel less distant. In first person narration, these filter words are very common. Something to always have in the back of your mind is to do a few quick searches for them with find and replace in your writing document, then take them out. Eventually, when you're writing, you'll start spotting them almost on reflex—I'm somewhere in this later stage currently; sort of like real-time gardening. It's not always easy to figure out what your crutch words are, but once you do, they'll become easier to weed out.
Filter words such as I spotted are also similarly easy to take out, though in the sentence I easily spotted five cameras from where I was standing, I would suggest considering another verb between, so the sentence structure would have to shift a little. For example, Five cameras loomed (from above me, followed me when I moved, etc).
The reason I changed "from where I was standing" is because it doesn't really establish a relation between character -> object. Above me tells us something in relation to space, or alternatively, followed me implies that sense of motion I was discussing before. Perhaps even something akin to: Five cameras (spotted me, etc), no matter where I stood.
Another personal preference: prefer "masculine" or "deep" to "male," especially when describing the voice of an unknown speaker.
So, in the sentence the male voice -> this is an assumption on Zoe's part, and she is correct, but how does she know the speaker is male, if she has not yet met the person saying it? This is why I prefer to simply describe how the voice is sounding deep/baritone/etc.
Concluding Thoughts
This is a story that nicely balances the pace with world-building moments. It has an interesting concept, and I enjoyed reading the exchanges between the characters, such as Zoe with the Priestess and Zoe at the tea room. Most of my suggestions are fairly minor, or related to specificity in descriptive language. I would also watch out for passive voice, filter words, and repetition as you continue to write. I enjoyed what I read, and I'd be looking forward to seeing this story when it's finished—I think a lot of what I've said will become easier to deal with once the story is done. The chapters are a great length and often end at a good place to push a reader to continue. The set-up of Zoe's character being introduced, followed by her desire to better accept her ability, and then the reveal of her mate, is nicely done.
I hope my thoughts are (somewhat) helpful to you.
Let me know what you think (: