Automatic - Alix Page
Luke should've known Calum would choose Sierra and not him. Damn, Luke himself chooses Sierra. Just not in the way she needs him to. All the voices in his head are mixed up, telling him to do this and that, but it only makes him paralysed. He can't physically move and make a step. Forward, back, right, or left. He's sitting frozen in his bed, only to then lay down, pretending to sleep, and try to make out which one of the voices is the loudest. The one that's telling him to cut off both of his friends because it's the easiest way out? The one that's telling him to go back to his parents' because he deserves to live in that burning house again? The one that's telling him to just kill himself because it's even easier than cutting them off? Or the one that's telling him to come to Sierra, begging for her forgiveness? Which one is it? The weakest one is telling him to start his medication again, but he won't listen to it. He knows that taking his meds will only make these voices shut up, leaving the loudest one. And then he will have to make a decision and face whatever consequences it brings.
These roaming questions drain him enough to drift off to sleep for just some time before Cory wakes him up. His summer break started this week, so he's at home a lot. The boy doesn't even mean to disturb him too much; he just wants Luke to put on a cartoon for him because Calum left for university early, only having made his brother breakfast. Luke crawls out of bed lazily, rubbing his eyes that hurt from the crying at night. Cory is neither blind nor stupid, so after choosing to watch "Up", he makes Luke sit with him. He's seen too many times how much just cuddling with Calum or Sierra and watching a movie helps him, so he doesn't waste any time and gets on Luke's lap, bringing as much chocolate as his small palms can carry.
Luke doesn't find much interest in the movie, despite never having seen it before, but when the main character dies and her husband is left alone, something hits Luke. He's been watching the first part of the film, seeing himself and Sierra in it clearly—just because he sees themselves in every movie with a romantic couple—and the death makes him realise that their places are actually swapped. He knows he'll die first, and Sierra will be the one left alone. Whether he dies now because of his illness or any other reason, or later in life, the time they've spent together will never be enough for Sierra. It won't be even enough for him. They have too little time with each other, and wasting it on being scared to move in with one another is just straight-up stupid. Not even ridiculous, just stupid.
"Are you leaving?" Cory asks when he sees Luke dressed and holding the keys in his hands. So he didn't go to feed Petunia or just to get his phone.
"Just for some time. Will you be alright? I'm sure Calum will be home soon." he replies, putting on his shoes. Cory nods, sighing, but he can't do much about it. "I'm sorry, buddy, I need to see Sierra, okay?"
Luke knocks on her door exactly at midday. Deep down, he kind of hopes she's not home; he hopes she doesn't open the door; he hopes she doesn't let him in or even let him talk. She interrupts his thoughts by putting the key in the keyhole.
"Luke? Why are you here?" she asks while he's simply standing there, unable to move or speak. The smell of burnt something is coming from her kitchen, and he knows she's just made or eaten breakfast. He's usually the one to make her breakfast.
He blinks at her, trying not to look down her neck because he recognises the shirt she's wearing—the see-through one. "I'm sorry." he blurts out, and she frowns at him. He takes a step forward, entering the flat and passing by her, then turns around to face her again. "I was scared—I am scared—but I know I can't make it go away by making you a villain. It's not right, and I'm sorry I asked you to do this. To break up." he takes her hands, and she sighs, relieved. "I was really scared that it wouldn't work, that I'd fuck this all up and lose you forever. But you're so worth the risk. And even if it's just for some time, I want to use it all to be with you and to live with you. If you still want me to." He has no idea how he's phrasing it all so well right now, but he really needs it to work.
"Of course I still want your dumb ass." she whispers, hugging him. "I knew you'd do this, you know." she looks up tiredly.
"You knew?"
"Yeah, you always do that. Like when you almost didn't send your documents to uni to enter, or when you didn't believe when I said I was in love with you," he closes his eyes, going down memory lane to that day, "or when you don't reply to emails about approval of your resumes. I wasn't surprised you got scared, but it doesn't mean it didn't hurt me."
"I'm really sorry, I-"
"I wish you understood how hard it is for me."
"I understand."
"No, you don't." she takes a step back from him, not dropping his hands, as he frowns at her. "I know it's hard for you too. Unbearable even. But it's a different kind of hard for the both of us. And we'll never understand each other's side." she shrugs. "That's just the way it is. I wish it was different."
"You wish I was different." he nods at her. He doesn't mean to blame her for thinking it in any way; he's just stating a fact.
"No, I-" she tries to shake her head, but he comes closer, placing his hands on her shoulders.
"I know you're thinking it, don't be scared to say it out loud." he says quieter. "It's okay, I'm thinking it too." she doesn't reply to him, just stares him in the eyes. He wants to kiss her, more than anything right now, just to feel her soft lips on his, to make his mind quiet again like the first time they kissed, to make him believe they're alright. To make him believe she's alright, with him and with their relationship. Her eyes are silently begging him to say at least anything. "There's something about you that makes me think you're a living angel." he whispers instead as she scoffs, hiding a smile. "Your existence gives me hope." she wants to say something, but he continues, "You're so empathetic and you're so kind, and your soul is so amazingly beautiful."
"Stop." she smiles at him with her cheeks bright red. She knows how much he loves her, but she's not used to hearing him explain it.
He doesn't smile back. Instead, he runs his hands along her arms, stopping when he reaches her fingers. "No, I need you to understand- I will always choose you, Sierra. Calum or you? You. Cory or you? You. Me or you? You. Always."
"That's not healthy." Look who's talking. Sierra puts him first in almost everything, always. Calum was right—they're equally obsessed with each other.
"Maybe, but it's always been like this." he shrugs, now showing her his smile. "You're the most genuine person I know, and I will always genuinely love you, platonically or romantically."
She stares at him and watches him move his eyes to her lips as he grabs her face to kiss her. She doesn't even have the time to say her 'I love you' back. This kiss feels different from the first second their lips touch. It might be because they haven't seen each other for most of the week, or it might be because of how needily their lips move. Like Luke and Sierra don't need any breaks to breathe, like kissing each other is breathing. Her hands move from his chest to his broad shoulders, pulling him closer. She gets on her tip-toes to get a better angle to kiss him when his hands let go of her face and lift her up, making her legs lock around his waist as she squeaks out of surprise. Their lips part for a second when he asks,
"Are we gonna..?"
"If you want to." she breathes out while thinking about how easily he picked her up and what else he can do to her body with such ease.
"I do, yes." he nods, matching her deep breathing. Now he doesn't restrain himself from looking at her shirt and her body beneath it.
"You sure?" she tilts her head to the side, trying to ignore how good it feels to have his arms under her thighs, supporting her body. "I don't- I don't expect anything from you. I'm more than okay with just being here with you."
In response, he brings her body lower and closer to his, just to make her feel how much he wants it too. She takes a deep breath, closing her eyes, and can't quite exhale, so she dives into kissing him again. His mind is focused on one thing—he needs to lay her down on something just so he can take off both her and his clothes. When Sierra's lips move to his jaw, he asks her quietly if they should move to the couch, but she mutters 'bedroom' instead. He nods carefully, carrying her to the bedroom with one arm around her hips and one on her head so she doesn't hit the doorframe.
His body is hovering over hers as he takes off his shirt and thinks twice before throwing it in the corner, but Sierra doesn't notice it, her eyes wandering all over him. Luke leans down to kiss her again, but then shifts away slightly to say,
"Can you stop smiling? I wanna kiss you properly."
"I'm just so excited." she bites her lip to stop smiling, although it doesn't work and only makes her grin more.
"About sex?" he chuckles, and she nods, "Honestly, Sierra, I'd have never thought you're this horny." She didn't really hide it, or at least not successfully.
"It's just that you're that sexy." she smiles, running her hands along his upper body. The temperature of his skin is so high that it makes her shiver a bit.
"Nah, I still think it's a you problem." he says as his hands start slowly unbuttoning her shirt. The fact that he can see through it makes it worse for his shaking fingers—he's just as excited as she is.
"Shut up." she grabs his neck to pull him down again, and he gladly follows.
Her skin starts feeling too hot as well, so she takes his hands that were just holding her face to her shirt again for him to continue working on those buttons. Her hands go into his hair as usual until he takes off her shirt, and she stops, sitting up to be closer to his body. Sierra places her palms carefully on his bare shoulders, as if scared to break him, as if he were fragile. She mentally asks if she can touch his body, in a new way for both of them. And that's the first time Luke feels like he actually likes his body. Because someone cares about it enough to ask. And now it's not something he has to tolerate. She slowly places kisses all over his skin while her fingers try to take off his jeans. His love for skinny jeans doesn't help her much. He chuckles at that and takes them off himself so as not to make her wait even longer.
He lays her on her back again, letting his lips and hands travel somewhere lower than just her collarbone. He can feel and hear her breathing becoming heavier; she even holds it sometimes, which makes him feel concerned, but on the other hand, she does have the same effect on him.
His hand reaches her underwear, and he hesitates before tugging it slightly and asking, "Can I..?"
She looks up at him and nods.
"Please say it." he's so scared to do something wrong, and he can't trust his eyes. He can't really trust his ears either, but if he asks twice, there's a higher chance he'll get her actual answer.
"Yes, you can." she whispers, suddenly scared to be louder. She's suddenly aware of how loudly both of them are breathing; how hot his skin feels against her thighs; how her whole body gets covered in goosebumps every time he touches her—which is obviously a lot right now—or even talks to her; how turned on but nervous they both are.
He leans to kiss her, deeply and slowly, while his hand replaces her underwear, tracing her skin delicately, but then he stops.
"I.. I'm sorry, I have to ask."
"Yeah?" she exhales anxiously.
"You're really dry, are you comfortable? Did I do something wrong? Maybe you don't wanna do this? Or you wanna do it differently, tell me." he says quietly. The situation terrifies him a little—a lot—because he really isn't sure what to do, but most importantly, he's scared to make it worse.
She smiles at his rambling, "I'm just really nervous; I've been waiting for this moment for 7 years." Luke acting a bit uneasy about the whole process somehow makes her calm because she's not the only one feeling this way. When their emotions match, she feels like she's doing everything right.
"Wow, now I'm starting to feel nervous too." he chuckles. He's not sure what expectations she has for him, and he was hoping to go with her body language, but it doesn't seem to work well.
"Don't be." she smiles again, "Just get the lube, it's in the bottom drawer."
He follows her instructions, trying not to notice his trembling hands. "Lemon?" he asks, looking at the bottle.
"I like citrus. Is that alright with you?"
He nods, "Absolutely."
"Oh, and you can take a condom from there too." she gets on her elbows. She feels a lot better now that there's more talking again.
He takes his jeans, going through the pockets, "I carry a few with me because I thought you already packed everything."
"You never know." she smiles, shrugging. She won't admit that she carries them around with her too.
"Should I use yours or-"
She gets one from the drawer and gives it to him, "I don't know if I got the size right; I was buying just from my memory." she watches him look at the writings on the package and nod. She tries to hide a smile because somehow talking about buying condoms feels more embarrassing to her than laying naked in front of him. "But these are quite compatible with my, um-"
"Got it, I'll use yours." Over the years, she's struggled quite a few times with the PH imbalance. It was thought by her doctor to be the partners, the condoms, the hygiene products. Now she hopes she's found all the right ones for her. Luke doesn't wait before unwrapping the condom carefully and putting it on after getting rid of his underwear as well.
His left hand goes onto her hip, caressing her skin, as he uses his right hand to help him enter her carefully, and as soon as he does, she whimpers quietly, and he gets closer to kiss her again and again, and because it sounds better from up close. Soon enough, she locks her legs around him again, now making him moan because of how much tighter it feels. She starts moving her hips to meet his, and he can't help leaving not only hickeys but also bite marks on her skin. She slows down before saying,
"You should-" she breathes out, "stay at the, um, entrance for a little bit. It's really sensitive." her voice breaks after almost every word, turning into a soft moan with his every thrust and kiss.
"Like this?" he says in a low voice, moving slower.
"Oh fuck, yes, exactly like this." she exclaims, bending her back and gripping his arm as he smiles at her, but she doesn't see it with her eyes closed.
He speeds up the rhythm, and the sound of skin-to-skin movements leads to Sierra being louder because of how arousing it is, which leads to Luke also being louder, and it's a sort of never-ending cycle.
"Please, please, please." she exhales under her breath.
"What are you asking for?" he slows down. It does sound like she's close, and that's why she's saying it, but he's not certain.
"What?" she locks eyes with him.
"You're saying 'please' like you're begging for something." he smiles, brushing her hair away from her face.
"I- I don't know, honestly. That's just what I say during sex." No one's really ever questioned what she says and why she says it. He nods at her, regaining the tempo again. He notices her cheeks becoming more and more red and wants to ask her if that was his question or the sex overall, but decides to postpone it. It's not that important, and he's probably the only one who watches the body language of the other so closely. He's not. She can tell just by the way he kisses if she should bend more or move her hips less. His hand runs along her stomach when he notices she's so out of breath that she almost doesn't exhale, and her moans start turning into groans.
He leans down to her and brushes her lip with his thumb—her lips are as dry as a desert. He kisses her deeply, making her copy his breathing pattern, but it only seems to mess it up more.
"Just breathe deeper." he whispers against her neck. He smells her perfume so clearly that it makes him kiss her jaw and shoulder and just everything his lips can reach.
"I know how to have sex, Luke." she chuckles, not opening her eyes but running her hand through his hair again. It's becoming sweaty.
"I'm not denying it, but you do seem very tense right now."
"I'm just lying down; it's difficult to breathe like this." she replies, trying to breathe like he told her to.
"What do you wanna do?" he meets her eyes at last, and he swears he's never seen them this dark but bright at the same time.
"Can we move to the wall?" she asks. He just nods, helping her get up.
"You always do the craziest stuff during the first time?" he asks with a smile. He wants to ask her how exactly she wants to do it, but she already turns her back to him, opening her legs just enough for him to get the hint and lift one of them to the side as he's entering her again and placing his other hand on her waist.
"If that's crazy to you, then I don't know how we're even gonna keep this interesting." she jokes. She doesn't need to keep it interesting.
"So what, you're into kinky stuff or something?" he whispers in her hair, but then brushes it away to kiss her neck. It's her weak spot, and he knows she won't be able to speak coherently if he does everything she likes at once.
"You'll see." she exhales, resting her head on his collarbone.
Her mouth is so close to his ear that he can even hear the moans she doesn't want him to hear.
"You sound beautiful." he whispers, not moving away from her. His hand slowly comes up along her body to her collarbone as she takes his palm and places it carefully around her neck, giving it a light squeeze. Luke smiles at that, but keeps the hand where she put it. Her legs start to shake, bending a little, and she leans on his body even more.
"Fuck, you're so good, Luke." she mutters as his hand slips in between her legs. He lowers his head, looking down, and she takes it as a chance to kiss his neck, leaving a few marks here and there. "My knees are gonna give in any second now." she whispers after realising that even putting her whole weight on him doesn't help her much.
"Sorry." he replies, lifting her up by the waist and taking a step left to put her on the bed. "Is it better?" he whispers when all she can think about is how much more turned on she is after he moved her body with little to no effort.
"So much better." she smiles, but still stops him from hovering over her again. She gets up on her knees—and it's still not enough to be on the same eye level with him—and pulls his neck down to kiss him. All so she can whisper against his lips, "I want to ride you."
His breathing becomes even more shaky as he thinks about the view he's going to have, but he nods at her, lifting her up again and placing her on his lap. Sierra doesn't really let him lay down, kissing him time after time as she slowly lowers her hips on him. She's moving the way she likes it, controlling every bit of the process, and just listening to his quiet moans. She wraps her arms around his shoulders and buries her face in his neck, whispering,
"I feel so close to you right now; it's overwhelming."
"I love you." he says, his voice needy, as his hand reaches in between her legs again and her body tightens around him, making her bend her back a little. He smiles up at her, watching her hold her breath as she relaxes at last. Giving her several last thrusts, he himself simmers down and finally lays on his back, pulling her with him.
He kisses her lazily and tells her to go with him to the bathroom to clean themselves up, and she thinks of asking him to carry her there, realising that it's probably her new favourite thing, but then decides to just follow him. It makes her shiver when she's hit with much colder air than it was in her bedroom, and she wonders how Luke's body is so hot. He hands her a robe and helps her tie it, trying to keep her warm. When they return to her bedroom, she folds their clothes properly and invites Luke under the covers.
"I'm so glad you came to apologise today and not after I move out." she says quietly, placing her head on his shoulder and playing with his fingers under the blanket.
"Why?"
"Always wanted you to fuck me in this apartment." she looks up to meet his eyes.
"I'm still not used to you talking this way." he smiles timidly, feeling his face become hot again and probably pink too.
"Sorry." she looks down again, hiding how much she wants to smile right now, but her reddening cheeks give her away.
"No, no, it's... I like it, in a way." he tugs her hair behind her ear, making her meet his gaze.
"Not completely then?" her voice is a little hoarse, like she just woke up, even though it's far past afternoon.
"At the right moments only."
"Was this moment right?"
"Yeah, I was just in you."
"Okay, now I'm not used to this." Sierra replies with a smile.
"We'll figure it out." he chuckles. Hugging her tighter, he lets his mind go back to everything they've just done. "I like getting to know you like this." he says slowly.
"Like what?"
"You know." she frowns, "like what stuff you say during sex, how fast you get tired, or what you like more." she nods and gets out of his hug.
"I need a drink." she says after she sees him raise her eyebrows at her.
"Was it that bad?" he jokes. Even after all the compliments she's said, after all the sounds she made, and after everything he saw her body do, he still suspects there was something she might not have liked, but he's too scared to ask directly.
"No, my throat is really dry." she replies after getting both of them a glass of water.
"I told you you needed to breathe deeper." she just motions for him to shut up.
They spend most of the evening cuddling and whispering sweet nothings to each other; a movie is playing in the background while Luke makes her dinner, and Sierra even lets them eat in her bed. Her biology exam is tomorrow morning, so she stays up quite late, revising everything despite so obviously knowing even more than she's required to, until Luke is practically begging her to get back to bed. He decided to go home in the morning after dropping Sierra off at university, and he just hopes that Calum came home in time to feed Cory and spend time with him because Luke didn't tell him he'd leave. He's scared to text him or talk to him at all. He has a feeling Calum hates him now. He can't even tell himself he's overreacting because he's never seen Calum this furious, to be honest. He had every right to be, but the idea is already placed in Luke's head.
hii finally an update!! writing sex scenes is something I really struggle with (hence why this chapter took so long, I just couldn't force myself to write it) so if you have any comments, good or bad, about this scene and chapter overall, please leave them here
thank you so much for reading this, please dont forget to vote in the end, it means a lot xx(especially on a chapter like this)