"You're going to have to let me buy you a cup of coffee eventually."
Lisa sat down, her presence pulling Irene away from her book. Irene smiled sheepishly and put her book away.
"I don't even like coffee," Irene said, as Lisa took a sip from the cup that was waiting for her when she arrived. "I get hot cocoa, but I was afraid you'd think I was a total dork so I always made sure to order before you got here."
"That's ridiculous," Lisa said.
"I know." Irene half-smiled.
Lisa was uncomfortable. So she made small talk. And what do you talk about with the girl who you're in love with who also broke your heart? Her father. Obviously.
"Your dad's nice." She cringed. She down looked at her hands around the coffee cup and played with the paper sleeve.
Irene hummed. "Yeah..."
"He's proud of you. It's...nice." Nice. Great word choice, really natural.
"Sometimes I feel like he sees me as half his daughter, half a doctor but...yeah. He's proud of me." Irene shrugged.
Silence. The barista at the front called out a name for a drink. The group of moms with their babies in their strollers pushed past to find a place to all sit. A student settled onto the table next to theirs, tossing his textbook and binder onto the table.
None of these people had any idea how difficult getting this conversation started was.
Lisa didn't really know what to expect when they finally talked to each other one-on-one, but she didn't expect this. She didn't expect to feel out of sorts. But she also didn't expect Irene's reaction.
Irene's eyes were bright. Hopeful. Completely unaware.
It made Lisa feel...sad? A little pity? Lisa came for finality, she realized she had no idea what Irene expected today.
She had thought of what she wanted to talk to her about. Her first instinct was to hurt Irene the same way she hurt her, but...Irene would have to care about her half as much as Lisa cared for her. And Lisa didn't have it in her.
She just...she just wanted the truth. She needed closure. An apology, maybe. Any kind of acknowledgment that she hurt her.
Part of her wanted Irene to just admit that she never felt anything for Lisa, that it was all a game. The ultimate closure, it would devastate her already pathetic, broken heart, but it would've been done.
She ran her hand through her hair, getting it out of her face. "Well...do you want to go first or should I?..."
Irene nodded. "Look, Lisa..." Here we go. "I should've been more honest with you. I was going to surprise you on that day, before Dr. Cochrane...before all that happened. I applied for a full-time position at the hospital, and despite Dr. Cochrane's threat, she didn't withdraw her support, so I got it. I began a week before your last appointment at the clinic. I just needed to inform you that I have terminated our physician-patient relationship."
Oh. Lisa let out a breath she didn't know she was holding.
"I wanted to do this all above board. It was going to be documented in your file, that you were no longer my patient, and we would finally be free..."
"Oh," she said, bitterly.
"Yeah..." Irene's face reflected hers, Lisa was sure. She looked sad. She also looked expectant, like she was waiting for Lisa's turn. And despite what Irene said, nothing had been fixed. She hadn't even apologized.
"That's all?"
"What do you mean?" Irene smiled, completely reading her tone wrong.
"Irene...you told me I wasn't worth it." Lisa's voice cracked. Realization dawned all over the doctor's face. "You broke my heart."
Irene frowned, her eyes were already glistening and despite the hold she had on her, Lisa wouldn't let her tears affect her judgment. She wasn't going to let herself be vulnerable with Irene again.
"Lis," Lisa stiffened at the nickname, "I'm sorry for what happened after. I was upset and I was trying to hurt you because hurting you was the easiest thing to do at the time. And that was wrong. I've been kicking myself over it." Lisa scoffed. "And I hate that I made you doubt me. None of it was true. You still mean so much to me."
"Look, I appreciate you explaining your side of the story to me. I'm glad you have your dream job, that your career is in place...but," You hurt me? I trusted you? I can't trust you? You broke me? "I should go."
"No, stay." Irene reached out, grasping her arm. The sudden movement got the attention of the student next to them, who looked over and rolled his eyes. He turned up the music on his headphones. Irene grimaced. "I just...I can't stop thinking about you. I've missed you so much."
Lisa flinched her arm away but sat back down. She leaned forward and lowered her voice. "I missed you too, I couldn't stop thinking about you either. But that doesn't change the fact that I thought I was in love with you and you didn't seem to care."
"Lisa, I did care. I promise. I still care, Lisa, I fell for y-"
"Irene, stop," Lisa said, holding up her hand. "Don't. Don't."
Irene leaned back in her seat, a tear falling. She brushed it away quickly. Lisa's heartbeat thundered in her chest, reminding her it wasn't broken, it was just bruised.
"What did you expect to happen today?" Lisa asked
Irene smiled sadly, wiping away other tears. Lisa handed her a napkin. "Best care scenario?"
"Realistically."
She sighed. "I thought...maybe we could revisit what we had."
Lisa couldn't believe it. "Seriously?"
"There's something between us. We're drawn to each other."
"So? Irene, I'm drawn to drinking all night, every night, but I'm not going to do it. It doesn't mean it's good for you."
"Don't...don't compare me to a vice, Lisa."
"But what if I see you that way?"
"Do you? Do you really?"
Lisa didn't answer.
"I hate that I put us here, in this situation. I don't know if I could ever make it up to you, but I'm sorry. I can't imagine how you felt. I regret all of it. Everything I said was in anger, and it wasn't true. But I have no excuses. It was wrong of me to talk to you like that and I didn't mean it. I'm so sorry, Lisa."
"You broke my heart."
"You're breaking mine right now."
That felt like a low blow.
"You can't turn this around on me again, Irene. You're really good at that but I'm starting to learn how to get really good at walking away from you."
"You're right. I'm sorry." She deflated. Her eyes glistened with new tears, breaking at Lisa's will.
Despite the fact that Irene had hurt her, she still hated the fact that she was causing Irene to respond this way. Her feelings for her were still there, bubbling under the surface as usual. But this time they were free to spill over. She just didn't know if she wanted them to.
"So what do we do now?"
"I don't know. What did you expect to happen today, Lisa?"
"I was hoping for closure. I was hoping that I'd see you and unlike yesterday, everything I felt for you wouldn't rush back at me," she admitted with a sigh. "But it all did."
"It did?"
"My heart is an idiot."
Irene laughed humourlessly.
"I know I wasn't perfect either. I pushed when you weren't ready. When you weren't able to. I didn't respect you. And I'm still sorry for all of that," Lisa admitted.
"You don't need to keep apologizing for that, Lisa. You have a million times..."
Lisa shrugged. "In a lot of ways, we're terrible for each other...but in a lot of ways..."
"...we work. There's something about you, Lisa."
This must've meant something. What was the universe saying, drawing them together but never letting them be together?
She realized something, that if anything was going to happen, they needed to eliminate all of the complications between the two of them. They needed to be honest with each other. They needed to learn how to trust each other.
Lisa needed to figure out what she wanted. If she even wanted Irene. Because figuring out if she wanted Irene was figuring out if she wanted to be in love and be loved. She needed to figure out if she deserved this, all her life she was told otherwise.
"I want to get to know you, Irene, without this thing hanging over us."
Irene stared for a beat. She nodded, letting Lisa continue.
"I treated you like you were a temptation, something I couldn't have but wanted, and you are more than that."
"And I treated you like a punching bag when things got too hard, and you are more than that," Irene added.
Then Lisa said the one thing that she could think of where she got to protect herself and keep Irene in her life.
"I want to be friends."
"What?" Irene's eyebrows furrowed.
"I want to get to know you, as friends, genuinely." Lisa reached forward. Irene let her take her hand. "The person I got to know is someone I want in my life and I don't want to fuck that up because of the potential for more, or the potential for sex, or the fucked up way that I show interest in people. And I need to learn how to trust you again. Because I don't forgive you for how badly you hurt me."
Irene nodded, dejectedly. "I understand..."
"But," Lisa continued, "I think you and I could be great. If we're great together as friends then I'll take it."
"Friends?"
"Yeah, cupcake. I don't have many reliable people in my life and I've screwed up a lot of things with people I care about. Maybe I don't want that happening with us."
Irene was silent for a moment, thinking it over.
"What if I want more? What if I don't want to be just your friend?" Irene asked quietly.
Lisa frowned. She thought about it. Friends was safer – for herself and for Irene.
"I...I would hope that you'd reconsider. Because this is all I can give you," she admitted.
"Okay," Irene said after a beat. She didn't look thrilled about it, but she looked at peace. "Let's be friends. I think you're supposed to be in my life, too. So...however you'll have me, I'll be there."
So, they started a friendship there, and they talked into the evening.
Lisa admitted that she pushed Irene and she was sorry. She knew she shouldn't have been so forward with her affections, and she should've backed off when Irene asked for friendship. But she really wanted to try now, she didn't want to force anything and she knew that they both had to figure stuff out.
Irene apologized again, admitting that she should've gone about all of it differently. As soon as she realized she was attracted to her, she should've done more to stop the inappropriate relationship from forming – or at least tried harder to get her transferred. She was selfish. And when everything spiraled against her, she lashed out and she shouldn't have.
They caught up on the little things. Jisoo and Rosé were finally together. Bambam was coming back for a visit soon. Irene's new job. Lisa's thesis.
It was nice to have Irene's company again.
And even in the time they spent together, Lisa felt something start to heal. She hoped Irene felt the same.
****
After their coffee meeting, they settled back into their friendship. It was tentative at first, but it soon went back to how it was. Except more genuine this time – a sincere friendship.
Irene's availability became sporadic due to her new job but they made it work. Lisa's bus to the university stopped near the hospital, so sometimes she'd drop off a cup of hot cocoa for the doctor. When she was swamped with her own work, Irene would come by and cook for the two.
Irene became a fixture with Lisa's circle of friends – which was essentially Seulgi and whoever Seulgi was seeing at the moment. Lisa spent more time with Irene's friends, including Jisoo, who was surprisingly welcoming.
At first, Jisoo didn't believe for a second that they were just friends – but then after witnessing the two bicker, Jisoo believed them.
"It's obvious neither of you are getting any."
Lisa threw a pillow at them.
Lisa and Irene found themselves inserting each other into their lives more. Irene's stuff at her house, her stuff at Irene's. Her shirts had gone missing, but she didn't have it in her to ask if Irene had them. Plus, she had taken a few of Irene's sweaters for herself. She drove Irene crazy, with her general filthiness and moodiness, but Irene infuriated Lisa sometimes too, with her terrible taste in music and the hours spent watching awful television shows.
There were moments when Lisa would find herself staring, whether or not Irene noticed, she didn't know. She just knew in these moments, she absolutely was in love with her. And that terrified her.
Lisa had never been in love, not really. There were times in her life when she thought she was – even before, when she was her patient, she thought it was love. But it was never like this. And as she was certain she loved Irene, she didn't want to open herself up to being hurt and rejected again.
She was scared shitless. As much as she had fallen for Irene, she wasn't sure if she could forgive her yet.
After the way their friendship started – and ended – and began again, she knew their relationship was built on a very fractious base. And, to be honest, she wasn't sure Irene was even still interested, she treated her the same way she treated everyone else – with the same affection and kindness she had for all of her friends.
She ignored the fluttering in her chest whenever Irene's gaze would linger. She pretended to not notice whenever she'd catch Irene staring at her with the softest, warmest eyes she'd ever seen. She acted like she didn't feel Irene sigh into her arms whenever she'd hold her.
Pretending those things didn't happen was easier than opening herself up again. Pretending at least made sure that she wouldn't screw it all up again like she inevitably screwed up everything in her life.
So she settled on being friends. She'd spent most nights with Irene, talking about everything and nothing, watching Irene fall asleep next to her before doing the same, never pushing for anything more. Nothing more ever happened.
And for now, it was enough.
****
Lisa went on a date with someone – a friend of Seulgi's, who Seulgi assured her wasn't looking for anything serious, but, 'it'd be good to get out there and stop pining.' She was beautiful, smart, had a dry sense of humor, and had an interesting job. She was the kind of woman Lisa was usually interested in.
But it was awkward. But it didn't feel right. And while it would've been easy to have taken her home, have sex with her, and never see her again, it didn't feel right. It wasn't who she was anymore.
When Lisa left the date later that night, she went straight to Irene's place.
"Buzz me up?" Lisa asked, standing outside her apartment complex. Irene didn't respond, but the door buzzed, and the latch unlocked.
"Aren't you supposed to be on a date?" Irene asked, standing at her doorway when Lisa turned down the hall off the elevator. She was in her pajamas, her hair thrown in a messy bun, and despite looking annoyed, she looked adorable.
She looked like home.
"I was. And now I'm here."
Irene rolled her eyes. "Come in. You interrupted my super exciting Friday night off, so you better entertain me with a quality bad date story."
Lisa walked straight to Irene's kitchen, helping herself to a glass of wine and grabbing cookies from Irene's pantry. Lisa had come to know her space as well as she knew her own house.
"Sorry cupcake, nothing to share. It just wasn't a good fit."
"What, was she not drop-dead gorgeous enough for you?" Irene asked dryly.
"There was just...something missing," Lisa said, tucking a few loose strands behind Irene's ear before moving to Irene's living room. She sat on her couch and put her feet up on the coffee table. Irene sat next to her and lifted her arm around her.
The first time Irene did this after they made up, Lisa stiffened. Jisoo and Rosé – just Rosé – laughed at the two from the other side of the room.
"If we're going to be friends, you have to cuddle with me. Sorry, Lisa. Ask Jisoo. I make them cuddle with me all the time," Irene said, rolling her eyes and leaning her head on Lisa's shoulder.
"It's true and it's annoying," Jisoo said.
"What was missing?"
"For starters, she was way too tall," Lisa lied.
"Really," Irene said, her eyebrows raised.
"Yeah, I like the idea of being the taller person in my relationships. I mean, I never have, but I think it'd be nice."
"Yeah?" Irene laughed.
"Yeah. It'd be like dating Seulgi. Ugh." Really though, her date wasn't that tall at all and Lisa didn't really have a preference.
Irene gave her an admonishing light slap in the stomach but laughed anyway.
Lisa continued. "And her interests...I don't know, I know I can be a little affected sometimes –"
"A little? Lisa, I found your secret collection of Broadway soundtracks hidden behind your Nietzsche collection. You're incredibly affected."
"Okay well, what I'm getting at, cupcake before you so rudely interrupted with your unfounded accusation," she was going to have to move her soundtracks when she got home, "is that, despite her height, she reminded me of myself. I barely like myself, I don't want to date myself."
Irene laughed and rolled her eyes.
"Lisa, you're even too cool for yourself." Irene nudged her.
"And," she continued.
Irene stopped her. "There's another 'and'? Don't be a jerk, Lisa, I'm sure she was lovely."
"She was," Lisa conceded, nodding, "she just...wasn't 'the one'."
Something shifted in the air. "'The one.' How do you know, it was just one date?"
Irene tilted her head and bit her lip. She looked at her expectantly. Lisa couldn't help herself, she stared at her mouth.
"I just know."
Irene reached up and brushed Lisa's bangs away from her eyes. Lisa took a deep breath. They stared at each other. Irene's eyes drifted down to her lips and back up again. She closed her eyes and leaned forward...
And Lisa pulled away.
Because as hard as she tried, the feeling of Irene hurting her still lingered. As hard as it was for her to be interested in anyone other than her, it still hurt. Part of her was still insecure about her relationship with her. Part of her hadn't forgiven her yet.
"I'm sorry, Irene, I can't..."
Lisa hadn't realized that Irene's face had been filled with hope until it fell. She sighed and sat back on the couch.
"It's okay..."
"Irene..."
"No, it's fine," she said, pointedly. Lisa knew to drop it. "Let's keep watching Buffy, we have like five more episodes left in season 6 and you don't know what true suffering is yet."
Lisa lifted her arm up again, eyebrows raised, encouraging Irene to lean back into her. Irene rolled her eyes but scooted closer to her, pulling Lisa's arm around her again. She hit play on the remote.
****
The thing is, Lisa didn't really like drinking anymore. She usually made stupid decisions when she was drunk. Hooked up with strangers. Got into fights. Fell off roofs.
So tonight, despite being out with all of her favorite people. Well, Irene, Bambam, who was visiting for the weekend, Seulgi, and Irene's friends. She was having as much fun as a sober person could have at a shitty club, playing shitty music, surrounded by sweaty Neanderthals who were shitty, she couldn't emphasize enough how shitty everyone around her was.
So, she sat at a booth, nursing her bottle of water and watching everyone's shit. It was shitty.
"Hey, Lili," Bambam said, sitting in the spot next to her. He grabbed her bottle and took a swig out of it.
"Get your own water," she said, grabbing it back. "And do you know how creepy you sound when you call me that?"
"Whatever." He swayed a little in his spot, definitely tipsy. "Anyway, Dr. Bae. I mean Irene, hey?"
He wiggled his eyebrows and pointed with his thumb towards the dance floor. There was Irene, dancing between Jisoo and Rosé and some woman she had never seen before. The woman was being handsy with Irene. Lisa didn't like her.
Lisa gave Bambam the Spark Notes version of their sordid history – telling him everything that was necessary but left out some of the deeper details. The conflict. Falling in love. The fight. It was in the past, and with time it stung a lot less than it had before, but the fact was, she was still embarrassed by it. Plus, she didn't exactly want to talk to her brother about her none sex life.
"What about her?" she asked, faking indifference.
"Please, you know exactly what. I know you said you had a big falling out, but what exactly going on with you two now?"
"Nothing, we're just friends."
And she was being honest. But tonight, for the first time in a long, she wasn't settled or okay with it. She looked over at Irene, dancing a little closer to Jisoo, moving away from the handsy girl. Seriously, what was this woman, part octopus?! Irene winked and waved.
"Well, I don't believe it. And I don't think she has just 'friendly' feelings for you either."
"Well you're right, you don't think."
"Har-har. Whatever, Lisa, be an asshole. But for what it's worth... I really like Irene. She's a thousand times cooler than your exes." He got up and walked over to Jackson, who looked like he was trying to hit on two women at once.
Speaking of hitting on too many women, Seulgi was sandwiched between Dr. Yeri – Joy – and Jihyo as they walked towards the booth. Seulgi smirked as she slid into the seat across from Lisa, both girls giving her their rapt attention. Lisa exaggerated a gag and got up. She looked over and saw Irene and the handsy girl at the bar, she walked towards them. Not at all to eavesdrop on Irene's conversation with the girl.
She wasn't jealous. She was jealous.
Lisa stopped next to the pillar next to where Irene and the woman stood. They must not have noticed. Irene made no acknowledgment. She pulled out her phone, pretending to text.
"So," Lisa heard the girl yell, "let me buy you a drink."
"Oh! Really? No, that's fine, I'm fine," Irene said, waving her hands. She was clearly intoxicated. "Thank you though, Vanessa. You're super pretty and I'm flattered. But I'm aaaaallll good."
"Come on, just one drink," the girl slid her hand down Irene's arm.
Irene looked uncomfortable. She wondered if she 'rescue' her, but the next thing Irene said stopped her.
"I'm flattered. I am. But I have a girlfriend."
"Oh. Shit. I'm sorry, is she here?"
Lisa felt eyes on her. "Yeah, she is." The woman looked over. Lisa busied herself on her phone, frantically mashing her thumbs across the screen, typing nothing into the iMessage app.
The woman thanked Irene for the dance and apologized, then moved back to the dance floor.
When they left the club later that night or in the very early morning, more accurately, the group had already split. Bambam went off with Jackson and some girls. Seulgi took someone home. Jisoo and Rosé left earlier in the night.
Lisa struggled to get Irene into her house without waking the neighbors. It wasn't her preference for Irene to spend the night but Irene was adamant.
"No, I'm going home with Lisa. Lisa's place is like my place. Lisa's place is my place. I have two homes, one of them is wherever Lisa is. Lisa, why are you trying to cover my mouth, Lisa, I'm not shouting, you're shouting, shh!!"
Irene always regressed to acting like a teenager when she was drunk. It would've been cute if it wasn't a pain in the ass dealing with her.
As Lisa got ready for bed, she couldn't stop thinking about what Irene told the woman.
"You can stop pretending you weren't listening, Lisa," Irene said sleepily when she came back into the room. She mumbled thanks as Lisa put a glass of water and Advil next to her on the bedside table. The doctor had thrown herself onto her bed, out of her jeans and her shirt replaced with one of Lisa's oversized university t-shirts.
She played dumb. "What are you talking about, cupcake?"
Irene snorted. "The girl at the bar. You heard what I told her." She yawned and burrowed her face into her yellow pillow which had migrated from Irene's place to Lisa's somehow.
"Fine. What was that, Irene?" Lisa got into the bed next to her, keeping a fair amount of space between the two, as she always did. "You told that woman that I was your girlfriend," Lisa said, staring at the ceiling.
"Well, Lisa, I did it for two reasons," Irene said, her eyes closed. "One, it was an easy way to get her to stop hitting on me. Two, Oprah says that's The Secret. Speak your intentions into the universe and they'll come true."
Lisa snorted.
"It'll come true, Lisa." Irene smiled, her eyes still shut.
Lisa's breath caught in her throat. "And what exactly are your intentions?"
"To be with you one day," she said simply.
"Cupcake, you're drunk," Lisa answered.
Irene laughed, her eyes closed. "Yeah. But it's true. We'll be together."
The air got heavy and serious. Lisa took a deep breath in then exhaled, letting the words slip out of her. "I want that too. I think."
Irene said nothing.
"Cupcake?" Lisa looked over, she was already asleep.