Author's note:
First of all, thank you so much for giving love to this story and sorry for not being able to individually replying them. I have a very tight schedule and the time I get, I utilise it for writing the story.
Secondly, I got some messages regarding the current track. Here, when a person wakes up from coma, his personality changes a little. Sometimes it's temporary and sometimes it's permanent. The best we can do is to get a psychiatric evaluation and wait for that phase to pass. Because nobody can do anything in these scenarios.
Here, I have shown instant guilt in Sanskar's heart. It signifies that this phase is temporary. He knows that he is wrong. But due to comatosed state, his brain connection are loosened a little bit . So it will take a little time. He is not abusive. He is just not able to control his impulse.
This phase is extremely tough for the direct caregiver which in this story is Swara. And this becomes the ultimate test of both the patient and the caregiver.
Hope you understand this and don't hate Sanskar now.
One more thing! Abuse is also shown in my story in the form of Shekhar. He is the kind of father who is actually abusive to Swara disguising his abuse in the form of responsibility. When things are in his favour, he behaves sweetly to her as shown jn starting of story. But when things went wrong, his real side opened.
Thankyou once again!
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CHAPTER 43
For some reasons, Sanskar did not want to go back home today. He did not want to face Swara, or he did not want to tell Swara about divorce, even he himself did not know. All he knew that Swara was is lifeline and he can't see her like this. It would definitely pain him a lot. Maybe he won't be able to smile again ever after. But for Swara's happiness, it was essential.
He was about to start his car when a known face came in front of him.
"Mr Maheshwari!" He said and waved his hand.
"Ravi!" Sanskar exclaimed. He came out if the car and waved him back.
Ravi came near him with a box in his hands.
"After so long! How are you?" Sanskar asked. He was really happy to see him.
"I saw the news of your recovery on television. And I wanted to meet you. So as soon as I got to know that you have joined your duty back,I came running here." Ravi said. His eyes were brimming with joy.
"It's so good to see you again. And more than that, I can feel happiness in your eyes." Sanskar said. He looked at the box in his hands.
"Your bhabhi has sent sweets for you and your family." Ravi said, "She did not believe when I told her everything. But when I told her about little details, she was awestruck."
"Great!" Sanskar said, "Let's go to a cafe."
Ravi replied, "No. Not now. Today is my wife's birthday. I want to celebrate it in a very nice manner. I would have invited you but I want just she and me today."
Sanskar smiled. He remembered how he himself forgot Swara's birthday. And here, this man is celebrating his wife's birthday.
"How is Swara ji? And how is your daughter?" Ravi asked.
Sanskar smiled and nodded. Ravi's expressions changed suddenly.
"Is everything fine?"
"It's your wife's birthday. Celebrate it in a good way. This is the story for some other day. Don't ruin your happiness."
"10 minutes are more than enough to listen to your problems. We both have sailed on same boat. Maybe I can help."
Ravi sat in the car with Sanskar. After listening to him for 5 minutes, he looked unbelievably at Sanskar.
"She waited for you. She broke her ties with her father. For what? That her husband will give 4-5 papers in her hand and say that this relationship is over."
"No Ravi! I literally pushed her to the ground. I was about to slap her. And last night, when she was burning with fever, I couldn't understand her emotions and yelled at her. She doesn't deserve this." Sanskar replied. Though he felt that Ravi was saying truth, his conscious did not want to accept this.
"She doesn't deserve this attitude of yours. She deserves someone who can not only fight the whole world but himself too, just for her." Ravi tried to explain him, "You fought with terrorists for her. You fought with her sister for her. But what about yourself?"
Ravi's words impacted a little on Sanskar's mind. He got a little confused once again.
He came back to his home. Sujata greeted him with smiling face.
"How is Swara ma?" He asked.
"Didn't you call her today?" Sujata asked.
Sanskar did not reply. Sujata's smile vanished.
"Ma! I yelled at her last night!"
Sujata was taken aback by his words. Forwarding him his cup of coffee, she went away. Sanskar closed his eyes in guilt, shame and anger. He should have atleast called her.
He entered his room and found Swara helping Ashna in completing her schoolwork. Sanskar saw her looking at him as if searching for the little love in his eyes. He knew she waited for his call whole day. She thought maybe her illness could be helpful in regaining the lost spark in their relationship. How wrong she was!
Her questioning eyes pierced his soul. He lowered his gaze, took his clothes and went inside washroom. He stood in front of mirror and looked at himself. How courage left his body now!
He practiced the conversation of divorce many times in front of mirror. How he should start the conversation so that it would hurt a little less to her. Would she cry? Definitely she would. Would she need his hug? Most certainly! But he should remain strong and firm. Sometimes a bitter medicine is important. He would support her. He would do anything to make her smile. He would not let her cry.
Making up his mind, he came out. Ashna had gone from the room. Swara was sitting doing some work on laptop. Taking a deep breathe, he broke the silence.
"People should not work when they are not well." He said.
Swara looked up and tried to smile.
Sanskar again took a deep breathe. He could see pain in her eyes. For the very first time, he could sense hopelessness in her eyes. This broke his courage again.
"How.....how are you?" Sanskar was now fumbling with words.
"Better! How was your day?" Swara asked.
"Hmm! Good!" Sanskar said and turned away his face. He was trying to gather all his strength to break out the news to her.
"I want to say something Swara!" Sanskar finally said.
"What?" She asked.
Sanskar was standing there numb. There were no words left in his mind to make this thing less hurtful. He was standing there just staring at Swara. This girl was his lifeline. He could not imagine tears in her eyes. And what he would say to her would wound her certainly. What if she did something unimaginable. What if she too decided to end her life!
In between these thoughts, Sanskar forgot that she was Swara who could read his mind even in sleep.
He saw her expressions changing. Her facial expressions ranged from being in disbelief followed by deep hopelessness. There were no tears in her eyes but they seemed more like a hollow sockets to him.
"It takes courage to take such decisions Sanskar. If you have already made up your mind then don't think of words that will make this thing less hurtful." Swara said. But her voice was not the usual calm and composed. Instead, it was trembling.
"Swara! Listen to me! I love you a lot but I will hamper your life. Please try to understand." Sanskar came running to her and held her shoulders. Swara lowered her gaze.
"Hmm!" She replied.
"Swara please! I can't see you like this." Sanskar desperately wanted to explain the reason to her.
"Hmm!" That was all she replied.
"Swara! Please don't be like this. Try to understand this."
"I understand Sanskar. I have a habit of understanding and compromising since my childhood. You don't worry about me." Swara replied blankly. She stared directly in his eyes and removed his hand from his shoulder.
"I will be fine. I am fine! Don't worry!" Saying so, she walked outside. Sanskar was left in disbelief. He thought, she would fight, she would cry but here, she was behaving as if this is not a big deal to her! Or maybe she was so hurt that even her emotions died by this blow.
He saw Swara very quite at the dinner table. Sujata was forcing her to eat little more but she was refusing every time. A strange sense of criminal guilt was covering Sanskar every time he saw her eyes.
Sanskar waited for Swara to come back to their room. She came late. There was complete silence in the room. But he saw Swara messing up with things quite frequently. First of all, she went to washroom for changing but came running out to take her night clothes. Then, hairbrush fell from her hand multiple times. She was detangling her hair so harshly that even the hairbrush broke. Then she braided her hair but forgot to tie hair tie.
As she lay down on her side of bed, facing away from Sanskar, he saw her wiping off a tear from her eyes.
"Swara! Have you taken your medicine?" Sanskar asked.
"Hmm!" She replied.
Sanskar was now drained off all the courage he had. He took a deep breathe and opened his mouth to say something. He should be apologising thousand of times to her.
"Swara I am sorry! Please try to understand my point of view."
"I don't want to listen anything. The reason is not important here!" Swara said, "I am a bit tired. I need to sleep now."
Sanskar felt as if someone was snatching more than air from his body. He wanted to hug Swara tightly but couldn't. He wanted to touch her and wipe her tears but couldn't. It was the same feeling when he was in coma. Just that here, the boundaries were set by him only.
He went out and sat in balcony. The guilt in his heart was drowning him. Was Ravi right? Did he not fight for her?
He did not know till when he remained in balcony. But when he came back, he found Swara sleeping but her hand was clutching a photoframe. He tried to take it from her hand. To his surprise, it was the photograph of their wedding. Sanskar saw the pillow was wet. She was crying the whole time before she fell asleep. But why the photograph of their marriage? If she wanted to hug him, he would have even cuddled her to sleep.
Remembering the word cuddle, he remembered the last time he cuddled with her! Ahh, it was before the coma incident. After that, Sanskar didn't even properly kissed Swara.
He lay down beside her. His hand almost reached her shoulder but he couldn't touch her.
He woke up the next day by angry voice of Swara. She was scolding a staff badly on phonecall.
"So what if I am away! How can you give any medicine to my patient without asking me!"
Sanskar had seen Swara in so much anger for the first time. Never in her anger too, she had raised her voice. She tried to remain as calm as possible in her anger too.
She threw the phone on bed and started mumbling to herself.
"People think they will do whatever they want. Swara never says anything, naver gets angry too. Let's do whatever we want."
Saying so, she took sindur and began applying on her forehead, but she kept it back suddenly.
With a helpless smile, she looked at sindur. She then looked at her mangalsutra too. Though she never wanted to, but she took it off and placed it in a drawer. Sanskar saw Swara's expression. It seemed that she would cry anytime now. She wiped the tears with her both fingers before they could even fell. She tried to smile but tears fell from her eyes again.
"Stay strong Swara!" She said to herself.
And she went out of her room. Sanskar stood up and looked at the retreating figure of Swara. He felt his heart broken into thousand pieces. And each piece was screaming that he was wrong.
As he reached downstairs, he saw Swara with a smile plastering onto her lips. Though her red swollen eyes were not hidden from anyone.
"Beta! What happened?" Annapurna even tried asking. But Swara nodded and started making hairstyle of Ashna.
And before anyone could say anything more, she went out in pretence of waving off Ashna and Reyansh toh school bus.
"Sanskar!" Durga Prasad glared at him, "Did you say anything to her?"
Sanskar sighed. He knew this question would come. He just lowered his gaze.
"Don't you say that you used the word divorce in front of her!" Ram fumed with rage.
Sanskar did not reply. But everybody understood.
"Sujata ji! Make your son understand that the hearts which break once can get better again. But the heart that shatters into thousand little pieces, can never be repaired." Ram said and stood up from the table, "We talked about divorce to make you understand the value of her presence in your life. But you...."
Sanskar did not reply. Durga Prasad was about to say something when Swara came back.
"Ma! Do you need something from market? I will take it from my way back home from the hospital." She said taking out the car keys.
Durga Prasad stood up and called her name.
"Ji bade papa!"
"Sanskar told us something." Durga Prasad said
Swara's hand stopped in middle. She looked at Sanskar for a blink of time and he saw her eyes piercing again his soul. And she lowered her gaze again.
"Beta! I am sorry on his behalf." Durga Prasad came in front of her.
"Bade papa! When a relationship becomes burden for someone, it's better to end it na. I can't be so selfish to continue this relationship even when the other person does not want it to." Swara said with her gaze still lowered.
"Beta but what about you? What about your wish?" Sujata intervened.
"I wish my wish mattered. But sadly, it never mattered. Nor to my father, nor to him. I just beg for one thing, to not snatch away Ashna from me." Swara's voice was getting heavy. Before she could cry, she wiped all the tears and with a smile she looked at Durga Prasad, "I know you all will never break any ties with me. And I am greatful for that."
Without waiting a word from anyone else, she went out with her car keys. Durga Prasad turned and looking at Sanskar. Sanskar saw tears in his eyes.
"Sanskar! You broke her. Please don't do this to her!" He almost begged.
"Bade papa! What am I giving to her? I pushed her, I yelled at her when she was too weak to even stand up by herself, I was about to slap her!" Sanskar too feeling heavy in his heart, "I have destroyed her personality. I have become toxic to her. I have become an abusive husband. Is it right? What if someday I really hit her! What if someday my hands leave marks on her cheek! Then will it be okay?"
There was complete silence in the room. Nobody could speak anything. Everyone was looking at Sanskar in disbelief.
Finally Ragini broke the silence and said, "I support your decision Sanskar bhai!"
Laksh looked at her in disbelief.
"Yes indeed Laksh! You know, I see hopelessness in her eyes these days. I see her soul dying a little everyday. It's better she dies all at once na!" Ragini said with a sarcasm, "Do one thing, let's snatch Ashna from her too. Then she will be free to die. Because if she will be alive na, then we have to find a good mental asylum and that is too cumbersome task."
Sanskar understood Ragini's words. He did not say anything.
"Yesterday, whole day she waited for one call from the person she wished to talk. All her colleagues called her, her hospital staff called her, her friends came to meet her. Even Dr. Shekhar called papa to ask about her health. The only person she waited, did not even bother to call her. I don't know whether it was guilt or what, love should overpower every emotion." Ragini was venting out her own frustration at Sanskar.
"She knew it was your guilt. But you know what she said. She said,'I am fed up of my understanding nature. Till when I will understand.'" Ragini was getting really angry, "I have never seen her like this. Whenever her phone rang, a smile ran on her face thinking it's your call. But when you did not call na, she felt agitated. She felt that everything was finished even before you came. Guilt is okay. But you are drowning in that guilt bhai! And with you, you are killing Swara piece by piece. It's better to take out your pistol and shoot her at once. Just finish her off. You should have let her die that day in the hospital. At least she would be finally at peace just by thinking that you always love her, without any condition, without any selfishness."
"I still love her Ragini!" Sanskar tried to say
"Yes you do! But the way she loved you.she fought with herself for you. But you could not. Always the main battle is fought in your mind. And you gave up even before the battle started." Ragini completed her vent and took a deep breathe, "I know my words seem like bitter medicine. But they are true. I am sorry. There is still time. Think once again."
Sanskar's mind was not stable that day. Taking half day off, he went straight to Maya.
"What? She said these words!" Even Maya was shocked.
"I thought she would cry. She would get angry. But this reaction, this reaction killed me." Sanskar said.
"Sanskar! Think about it once again."