"Wala kaming problema ni Karylle."
"Nakatutok nanaman sa atin ang mga tao. Yan ang gusto niyo, 'yung nagkakagulo kami rito."
"Okay kami. Mga issue kayo."
Hindi ko alam kung saan niya kinukuha ang lakas ng loob to say these things on national television.
Kailan pa kami nawalan ng problema?
Kailan pa kami naging okay?
I smiled at the camera while trying to hide all these thoughts and the pain of hearing all his lies. Ito na yata ang pinaka-nakakatawang joke na nasabi niya sa loob ng ilang taon naming pagiging magkatrabaho.
He knows me when we're on stage, pero pagtalikod sa camera— para akong hangin na hindi niya nakikita.
He pulled me closer and to make his statement more convincing in the eye of our audience, inakbayan niya ako.
Ganito naman kami lagi.
He always acts as if I'm one of his friends who matters to him— na para bang isa ako sa mga kaibigan niyang he can't leave without.
Hindi ako si Anne. Hindi ako si Vhong o si Jhong— hindi ako kasinghalaga ng kahit na sino sa loob ng studio na 'to. With or without me, walang mababago.
Anne puts her hand behind me, secretly rubbing my back. She probably knows what's inside me. Sigurado akong ramdam niya ang nagbabadya kong pagkabasag.
"Yung iba naman, nakikisawsaw. Para ano? Para umingay ang pangalan? Uy, trending ka na. Happy?"
Everyone knows who he is reffering to. Sa sobrang daming nangyari kahapon, marami rin ang nagbigay ng kaliwa't kanang opinyon— and that includes those who were once part of this family.
I remained silent as I bit my tongue to stop myself from breaking. I can feel my hands trembling. Pakiramdam ko, ilang minuto na lang ay mabibitawan ko na ang mic na kanina ko pa gustong ipukpok sa kaniya.
"We are okay. Pinuntahan ko siya sa dressing room niya kanina to apologize and she told me I didn't have to kasi wala namang problema. Kayo talaga. Ginagawan niyo kami ng issue. 2023 na huy! Gising!"
Lies after lies. The last time he went to my dressing room was year 2014— that was also the last time we talked peacefully.
"Eonnie!"
I was catching my breath when I heard Anne's voice behind me. Hindi ako agad nakalingon dahil sa pagod— pagod sa pagtakbo at pag-iwas. Right after he said all his lies to save himself from the media, sinimulan agad nila yung segment while I ran away to also save myself from drowning.
"K, are you okay?" nakatalikod ako sa kaniya, but I nodded my head as response. "I'm sorry about what happened,"
Bakit 'yung tao pang walang kasalanan ang kayang humingi ng tawad? How come it's easy for her to apologize, but it's hard for Vice?
"Anne, hindi naman ikaw ang dahilan kung bakit kami nagkakaganito." inipon ko lahat ng natitirang lakas sa katawan ko para mabuksan ang pinto ng dressing room. "I'm okay. Hindi mo kailangang mag-alala,"
Anne went inside my dressing room. This woman. Alam kong hindi nanaman niya ako titigilan, unless I tell her the truth.
"Your hands were trembling. Kanina ka pa wala sa sarili tapos you're telling me, you're okay? Karylle naman."
"Anne, I have to be okay. Wala naman akong choice e." awa ang nakikita ko sa mga mata niya. "If I chose to speak and refute everything that he said on national television, maaayos ba lahat? Hindi naman diba? It would just make the situation even worse."
"You should've at least talked to him—
"Ilang beses ko ba siya kailangang kausapin?" I heard her sigh. "The last time I went to his dressing room to clear things out, ano ba'ng ginawa niya? He pushed me away, Anne. He told me na wala kaming dapat pag-usapan— na kalimutan na lang namin lahat because everything... everything that we had was worthless."
Malinaw na malinaw pa sa ala-ala ko how he said that. It was with full conviction. "There's nothing to fight for, Karylle. Wala namang dapat isalba because everything that we had has no value."
"Kailangan kong manahimik, Anne. I have to keep my mouth shut dahil kahit magsalita ako, ako pa rin ang talo. Habang buhay akong uusigin ng konsensya kung sakaling mawala kay Vice lahat ng pinaghirapan niya. Saving him has always been my priority," hindi nakalagpas sa mga mata ko ang pagbagsak ng mga balikat niya. Alam kong pagod na siya sa akin. "Kaya ko pa, Anne. Kakayanin ko pa."
"Hello, Tito Carlo?" I was on my way home when I received a call from him. Sa totoo lang ay kanina ko pa nabasa ang mga pauna niyang text messages, pero mas pinili kong i-set aside 'yon dahil hindi pa ako handa sa mga tanong niya.
"Where are you?"
"Katatapos lang po ng Showtime. I'm on my way home,"
"Are you driving?"
"No, Tito. I'm with Kuya Arnel." I told him. "Bakit po kayo napatawag?"
"I guess, you haven't read my messages yet." no, nabasa ko lahat. "It's all about the offers, Karylle. Nakapag-isip isip ka na ba?"
Matagal ko naman nang hinihintay 'to, pero bakit ngayong nandito na— hindi ako agad makasagot? I'm not sure if I'm having second thoughts whether to accept those offers or not. O baka naman may hinihintay lang akong suporta?
"Karylle, hindi trabaho ang maghihintay sa 'yo. They're all asking for your answer." dagdag niya kahit wala pa man akong naisasagot sa una niyang sinabi.
"I can't leave Showtime just like that,"
"I'm not asking you to leave that show." katwiran nito. "You only need a few days every week for the rehearsal and for the shooting."
"I still need to get permission from Direk and... and Vice."
"Vice? You mean, Vice Ganda? What does he have to do with it?"
"He works with the segment producers, Tito. He needs to know kung sino ang mawawala for the meantime so they can replace the host with someone else."
Hindi ko alam kung guni-guni ko lang lahat, but I heard a laugh from him.
"I'm sorry," he apologized nang marinig niya ang pagtahimik ko. "I just don't understand why you still have to tell Vice about your plan of accepting the offers kung meron ka mang balak... e swerte na nga lang kung mabigyan ka ng 10-minutes exposure per day e."
Those words started stabbing my chest. Well, where's the lie? Lahat naman sila napapansin 'to— ako lang talaga ang pilit na nanloloko sa sarili ko. Karylle, they're just giving the other hosts the time to shine.
"I'll give you until tomorrow, Karylle. I need your yes or else, wala akong choice kundi ioffer 'to sa iba."
"Okay, so what is this all about?"
Vice went in and looked at Direk John who's sitting beside me. It's Saturday at halos katatapos lang ng Showtime when Direk asked him to stay for at least a few more minutes for a quick meeting.
Yes, it's all about my plan of accepting the offers. I already told Direk about it, pero kagaya ng ineexpect ko— he needs to consult Vice about this. Well, he always has the say at wala na rin naman akong magagawa ro'n.
"Sorry for a such short notice. Kaninang umaga lang din kasi nabanggit ni Karylle 'yung about sa theater and movie offers sa kaniya,"
He gave me a plain look bago muling ibalik ang tingin sa direktor.
"Two theater plays and two movies," I started.
"All for this year?" he was asking pero hindi sa akin nakatuon ang mga mata niya.
"Yeah," should I consider myself lucky as I have had several projects this year?
"How many weeks will you be gone?"
"I'll only need at least two days a week for the play rehearsals pero para sa movies, I don't know yet. I was just told that one has to be taped in Korea."
"Doesn't that call for a resignation? Dami mo naman palang ganap outside Showtime e."
"Vice," pagpipigil ni Direk, but Vice just let out a chuckle.
"Nagbibiro lang, Direk. Ito naman." mahigit isang dekada na kaming magkasama kaya alam ko kung kailan siya nagbibiro. Unfornately, what he said was not a joke. Alam kong iyon talaga ang gusto niyang sabihin sa akin. "Sure. Kung gusto mong umalis— I mean, if you need to start prepping for the play and the movie, you can do it na but please make sure to ping us ahead of time so we can start allocating hosts into each segment."
Kailangan pa ba 'yon? With or without me, pare-pareho lang naman ang inilalagay niyang hosts na makakasama niya per segment. It's always Anne, Vhong and Jhong. I don't have anything against that, hindi ko lang maiwasan ang malungkot. I used to be part of that group. It used to be Fabulous 5, but in just a snap— Fabulous 5 suddenly turns to Quadro.
"Excuse me for a while, please." Direk stood up with his phone on his ears.
Napakapit na lang ako sa kinauupuan ko. Direk, going out means leaving Vice and I alone— inside this dressing room where he used to visit me before the show starts.
"Shouldn't you just resign? That's a lot of projects already and I am sure that you will receive more in the next coming years." I know he's trying to be careful with what he's saying, but it doesn't change the fact na binibigyan niya ako ng hint na umalis na lang.
"You really want me to leave, don't you?"
"I'm not asking you to leave,"
"Yeah, not directly— but you're suggesting that I should just resign. What's the difference?"
Hindi ako nakarinig ng kahit anong sagot mula sa kaniya. He made himself busy with his phone while we both wait for Direk to come back.
This is not the Vice I met a decade ago. What makes it more painful is that I no longer feel any support from him.
Wala ng excitement, wala ng "congratulations", wala ng "i am so proud of you." Wala ng "number one fan mo ako!"
Basically, wala ng Vice.
"Seriously, Vice? Until when are we gonna stay like this?" hindi ko napigilang tanong. "Kasi pagod na pagod na ako."
"Wow, the audacity to say na pagod ka na— at tingin mo ba, ako hindi? With all the hates and bashings na natatanggap ko, ikaw pa talaga ang napagod?"
"Sinisisi mo ba ako?"
"You and your demanding fans, Karylle. They only know me if I did something that's up to their standards— pero konting kamalian, parang ako na ang pinakamasamang tao sa paningin nila."
The ViceRylle fans. They have always been so supportive and protective of me.
Fans ko na lang pala sila.
He doesn't consider them as "our fans" anymore.
"So this is about them," I know where these fans of mine are coming from and it just saddens me na iba pala ang intindi sa kanila ni Vice at ng ibang mga tao. "This is about MY fans,"
"It's not only about them, Karylle." for the first time after a decade, ngayon na lang niya ulit ako natitigan ng ganito katagal. "It's more of about the issues na nakukuha ko sa tuwing lumalapit ako sa 'yo. Laging ikaw ang mabuti at ako ang masama. Laging ikaw ang kawawa at ako ang kailangang magpakumbaba."
I got it. He's still not over the issue about him and my late husband. The issue that should've not started in the first place if only our previous director didn't make stories about the reason why I had to decline Vice's invitation to his victory party.
Issue na napatungan ng isa pa, ng dalawa, ng tatlo, at nang hindi na mabilang pang mga issues na kinasangkutan namin pareho.
"I see," naiintindihan ko na. He's really distancing himself from me to save himself. "Huwag kang mag-alala. Aalis ako like what you're suggesting, pero hindi pa ngayon."
"Hahaha!" that's the most sarcastic laugh I've ever heard. "Paniguradong ako nanaman ang sisisihin ng mga tao kapag nalaman nilang aalis ka,"
Author's POV
"Let us all congratulate our theater girl for the success of the Carousel's first night— Karylle!"
Ryan walked towards her with a bouquet of sunflower. Kasabay noon ay ang walang habas na palakpakan ng mga hosts at audience. Sinsero at malaki ang ngiting tinanggap ni Karylle ang bugkos ng bulaklak bago bigyan ng mahigpit na yakap ng binata.
"Congratulations, Ate Karylle!" pagbati nito na nagawa pang halikan sa noo ang ate niya.
"Thank you, byeol." pasasalamat nito bago magturn sa mga tao. "Maraming maraming salamat po sa lahat ng nagpunta at nanood sa unang gabi ng Carousel. It was such a fun night knowing that you guys enjoyed the play. Sobrang daming tao,"
"I was there last night and I must say, you really pulled it off and you gave justice to Julie Jordan's character." Anne complimented as she's giving her a hug from the side. "Grabe ang ganda at galing mo on stage."
"The moment you promoted the play, alam ko na agad na mabibigyan mo ng magandang show ang mga manonood. You deserve all the claps and compliments, Karylle." segunda ni Ogie as he was also there to support.
"Bruh, manonood kami ni Tanya mamaya."
"Vhong, bukas pa 'yung susunod." natatawang turan ni Karylle.
"Ha? Nakabili kami ng tickets para mamaya. Sino panonoorin namin dun?" pagbibiro ni Vhong bago yakapin ang kaibigan. "Hindi, manonood kami ni Tanya bukas. Isasama namin sila Yce at Bruno,"
"Uy, yung girlfriend ni Yce mahilig sa theater plays!"
"I heard!" Anne screamed.
"Yes, isasama namin si Anica. She'll be there." dagdag ni Vhong. "Teka, narinig ko na manonood din daw si Vice."
Napatikhim ang ilan sa mga hosts nang marinig ang tinuran na iyon ni Vhong. Talaga naman! Pasimpleng siniko ni Anne ang kaibigan kaya napangiwi ito.
"I already told nanay na may play si Karylle and she wants to watch. This week, manonood kami."
That made her heart jump.
That somehow gave her hope na baka pwede pang maisalba ang kung ano man ang natitira sa kanila ni Vice.
Karylle
"Congratulations, Tita K!"
Nasa stage pa ako kanina when I saw his family waving their hands at me. His family, yes. He wasn't here. He didn't watch like he what he said when Vhong asked him.
"Uy! Salamat for watching," inalalayan ko si Nanay Rosario na naglakad palapit sa akin. She gave me a tight hug and a kiss on both my cheeks. "Thank you, nanay."
"You were really born for theater, anak." narinig kong bulong niya sa akin kasabay ng paghagod niya sa likod ko. They have always been so showy of their support for me. They're always there. Wala silang pinalagpas sa kahit anong play ko. "Ang ganda ganda mo,"
"Tita," that's Christian— Vice's nephew. Nilapitan niya ako at inabutan ng bulaklak. Niyakap ako nito at bineso na sinundan din ni Camille. These kids, they've always been so touchy kahit minsan ko na lang sila makasama. "Congratulations,"
"I bought these for you, Tita Karylle. Look!" Camille said as she handed me a paper bag. Pareho pa kaming natawa as I opened it— pencil cases and pen pouches. Oh! Ito na nga yata ang isa sa mga pinagkakasunduan naming dalawa. "I also have mine. I made sure na we're matchy,"
"Ken, ang ganda! Oh my gosh," one of the pen pouches has glitters on it. I am not really a fan of glitters, but this can be an exeption. It's just really beautiful.
"Naku! Natagalan pa nga kami sa mall kahapon dahil diyan," that's Ate Tina. She also gave me a paper bag as a gift. "This. Alam kong mahal mo ang ginagawa mo, but you also need to rest and these teas are good for your throat."
"Grabe naman. Your time to watch is already enough, you don't need to buy me anything naman na." I said. These are too much. Iba pa 'to sa ipinaabot ni Nanay Rosario kanina while I was in my dressing room.
"Anak, you're working really really hard and these presents are nothing compared to what you've given us while you're on stage. Hindi biro 'yung enjoyment na naibigay mo samin. You deserve these gifts,"
Napatitig ako sa mga hawak ko ngayon. Bouquet of flowers, paper bags, and these people in front of me— hindi ko alam kung ano ba'ng nagawa ko to deserve them. They embraced me and accepted me na para bang parte na ako ng pamilya nila. Hindi nila ako trinatong iba.
"S-Si Vice po?" hindi ko napigilang tanong.
"Ayun at hanggang ngayon, tulog. Magdamag ba naman ang rampa with his friends," sagot ng ate niya.
Okay. I guess, that's valid naman. May show pa naman sa ibang araw.
"Due to people's demands, Carousel is extended po with one more show next week so please grab your tickets before it gets sold out. Maraming maraming salamat po sa lahat ng nakapunta at nakapanood na," all smile kong pasasalamat habang nakatingin sa mga audience na walang sawa ang pagpalakpak sa akin. "And before Carousel finally gets into its last curtain call, I am also inviting you guys to watch and support the most awaited touring productions of The Sound of Music here in Manila. Bibigyang buhay ko po ang karakter ni Baroness Elsa Von Schraeder and I'll be with Markki Stroem who'll act as the ever handsome Rolf. First leg will be on the last week of this month and tickets are now available via ticket world."
"Grabe naman 'yon! Hindi pa tapos 'yung Carousel tapos may kasunod na agad," that's Vhong.
"Si Karylle na 'yan e."
"Now, alam niyo na kung bakit laging wala ang ate niyong girl." sabay pa kaming natawa ni Anne dahil sa nasabi niya. "She's the busiest sa lahat ng Showtime hosts ngayon,"
"So after The Sound of Music, makakasama ka na namin ng matagal?" I looked at Ryan and smiled at him. Ilang araw na niya akong inaaya for our "ate-and-bunso-night", but I couldn't give it dahil nga sa sobrang abala ko. Gustuhin ko mang isingit, hindi ko magawa dahil pagkatapos na pagkatapos ng play ay may schedule agad ako for another rehearsal o di kaya'y shooting.
"I'm sorry, Ryan! May two movies pa," sagot ko which made everyone looked at me. Oops, I never told them about it. Literally, sina Direk at Vice lang ang nakakaalam.
"You serious?" Anne asked me and I just nodded my head as a response. "Oh my gahd ka,"
"And three more plays," I already saw it. When Tito Carlo and I talked, nakita ko na ang naka-lined up na projects for me. Hindi ko na hinintay na tanungin niya ako and I immediately said yes to it. "
"That's very you, Karylle. Theater is really for you and we're just so happy that you're finally getting it. Namimiss ka namin dito, but you know na support kami sa lahat ng gusto mong i-achieve at gawin. Blockbuster movies and sold out theater plays it is!" Anne really never failed to show his support.
"Magkano ba ticket dun?"
Mula sa akin ay ibinaling nilang lahat ang tingin kay Vice dahil sa naging tanong niya.
"Saan?"
"Sa Star City— malamang sa tickets for Karylle's play. Ano ba'ng pinag-uusapan niyo?" pambabara nito sa naging tanong ni Vhong.
"Depends sa kung ano'ng seat ang iaavail ng gustong manood, but prices are very affordable naman kaya alam kong kering keri niyo." hindi ko direktang siangot ang tanong niya. I looked at the camera and acted as if I was talking to those who are watching.
"Sige manonood kami nila nanay,"
Narinig ko na 'yan e. Ilang beses na.
"Anak, you came." Malaki ang ngiting sinalubong ako ni Nanay Rosario sa gate ng bahay nila. She gave me a warm and a tight hug— hindi naman halatang miss na miss niya ako. If I am not mistaken, nagkita lang kami kagabi when they watched the last leg of The Sound of Music. Yes, that "they" does not include Vice. I only had Nanay, Ate Tina, Ate Tabog, Alice, Mas and Ken last night. Sila lang naman lagi.
"Happy birthday, 'nay." I greeted as I handed her my gift.
"D'yosko, nag-abala ka pa. Sapat naman na sa akin na nandito ka," tatanggihan pa sana niya ang regalong dala ko, but I insisted. Sa huli ay tinanggap rin naman niya ang ibinigay ko. "Tara na sa loob,"
Sa totoo lang ay nahihiya akong pumunta. Bukod sa alam kong marami silang bisita, hanggang ngayon kasi ay hindi pa rin kami nagkakausap ng maayos ni Vice. Ni hindi ko nga alam kung may idea siya na pupunta ako. Baka pareho lang kaming magkagulatan.
"Tita Karylle!" Ken excitedly ran towards me to give me a hug.
"Ganda? You're here," this is how Babot calls me. Napangiti ako bago ko suklian ang higpit ng yakap nila sa akin.
Mula sa gilid ng mga mata ko ay nakita ko ang pagtayo ni Vice. Malamang sa malamang ay nagulat siya sa presensya ko dahil hindi naman niya alam na pupunta ako rito. Isang malalim at mapanghusga na tingin ang ibinigay niya sa akin na hindi rin naman nakalagpas sa mga mata ng nakapalibot sa amin.
"It's my birthday so I invited her. Bisita ko siya, hindi sa 'yo." that's what Nanay Rosario told him bago niya ako hilahin patungo sa upuan katabi ng kaniya. "Kung ayaw mo sa bisita ko, feel free to leave."
"Nay," bulong ko. This is her special day at ayoko namang makahadlang sa araw na dapat ay masaya siya.
"Sige na. Don't mind him. Ako ang bahala sa 'yo," she whispered bago ako bigyan ng isang matamis na ngiti.
"You really don't know how to distance yourself, do you?"
Nanay Rosario was busy entertaining some of her guests kaya nakakuha ng tiyempo si Vice na hilahin ako palabas. He brought me sa pool area while everyone's busy chit-chatting with their visitors. Alam kong nakita ni Camille ang ginawa ng tito niya, but she had no choice kundi pabayaan na lang ito dahil sa masamang titig na ibinigay sa kaniya ng tito niya.
"Vice, I went here for your mom. It's her birthday and I don't want to disappoint her," sagot ko. I was trying to compose myself dahil ayokong gumawa ng eksena. Ayokong umiyak. Ayokong ipakita sa lahat na apektado't nasasaktan ako the way he treats me.
"Para kay nanay man o hindi, you shouldn't be here." mariin niyang sabi.
What makes it more painful is the fact that he's looking directly to my eyes na para bang wala siyang pinagsisisihan sa lahat ng sinabi niya.
Hindi naman kami ganito dati.
Vice wouldn't say such thing dahil concern siya sa nararamdaman ko.
Pero ano ba'ng nangyari?
Why does everything seem so different now?
"Did you hear what nanay told me earlier? Ikaw nanaman ang anghel at ako nanaman ang masama," he blurted out emphasizing every word he said.
"Aalis na lang ako," tumatango kong sabi. Iyon naman ang gusto niyang ipagawa kanina pa. Ramdam ko 'yon, pero hindi lang ako makahanap ng tiyempo dahil nahihiya ako.
"Good decision, Karylle. Umalis ka na."
Author's note: Hello, everyone! It's been a long time. Hindi ko alam kung nandito pa kayo, pero ako? Heto't pasulpot sulpot. Due to some friends' requests, I am making my own version of their favorite story "CREEP". I'm not sure if this is gonna be a full length story or just a few chapters since random ko lang naman siya naisip.
Anyway, for those who haven't read my aus yet— you can follow me both on my twitter accounts @hydielheng and @notvicerylle. May mga completed aus po ako dun while I was waiting for this wattpad account to be retrieved. You can try reading them if you have time hehu.