‼️TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter mentions sensitive subjects, such as self-harm‼️
"I need to talk to you, babydoll."
"About what?"
I think she'd realized I hadn't been myself for the week after the incident.
She sighed and sat next to me. Instinctively, I nuzzled my head into her neck.
She wrapped her arms around me, kissing the top of my head.
"I love you, you know that?"
I nodded as best as I could.
"Say it." She demanded.
"I-I know,"
"Good. I love you. I don't know what I would do with myself without you."
With her talking like that, I was prone to crying. My heart began to speed up, throbbing in love for her.
"I think what happened...last week, was a lot of things."
I sniffled.
"I think part of it was my fault, I didn't give you suitable aftercare. Part of it was sub-drop."
"Wh-what's sub-drop?"
"It's quite disappointing how many people don't know what it is," she sighed. "I'm not blaming you. It should be talked about more."
I wrapped my arms around her neck, snuggling in deeper as best as I could.
"It's when a submissive in a kink relationship goes through an intense scene. Afterwards follows some mental damage, as well as psychical in some cases. It's why aftercare is so important, it helps to ease it out. For both parties."
"O-oh..."
"I know you have other things going on. I'm just assuming that that might have been part of it since we haven't done anything extensive in a long time. And I'm sorry, I should've started you off slowly."
"I-it's fine, Cleo...I'm fine."
"You're not fine, babydoll. I know that."
I just sniffled again, sucking in a breath.
"I think you need to meet back up with Samantha,"
"N-No, Cleo-"
"I want you to get better. You were when she was working with you."
I didn't say anything, because I knew she was right.
But I hadn't seen Samantha in years, it would be awkward to go back. She'd probably think I was falling apart. Which, I was, but still. Admitting it was hard.
"Please, do it for yourself, you are deserving of life."
"N-no, no I'm not, Cleo." I shoved my face into her shirt.
She gently rubbed my back, kissing my head again. "Do it for me then."
"I can't."
"I'll book the appointment for you, then."
"Cleo, please-" I began to cry.
"Shhh..."
She lay with me, comforting me, while I knew there was no way I could change her mind.
~~~
"So, what made you come back?" Samantha asked.
My leg shook rapidly. The leather chair crinkled below me.
"Um...Cleo said I should." I answered quietly.
"Do you know why?"
I paused, my eyes immediately drawing down to my arms, covered in recent scars.
"I...I started cutting again,"
Samantha slowly nodded. "Have you gone off your medication?"
I nodded. "I-I'm sorry."
"This is okay, Marine. Things like this happen, these feelings are nothing to be sorry about."
I sniffled and wiped my nose before I could have time to cry.
"Do you know the name of the antidepressants you were on?"
I shook my head, "I forgot."
I hated coming to sessions, it made me feel like a little kid again, staring down at the ground and crying. One-word answers.
"That's okay," she said with a smile in her voice.
"What has been going on in your life since I saw you last?"
"Wh-when was the last time I saw you?" I asked, looking up at her.
"I believe it was around two and a half years ago."
"Oh...wow, um, it hasn't felt like that long."
She smiled, "Clearly you've been keeping yourself occupied, then."
"Well, I just had my second baby,"
"Really?"
"Yeah," I said, a genuine smile spreading across my face. "He's perfectly healthy, as well."
"Well, congratulations. I remember when you told me you were pregnant with your first,"
"how old is he?"
"Almost three months," I replied.
"Wow! If you want, you'll have to show me pictures."
I smiled and realized my leg had stopped shaking.
"I do have some,"
I took my phone out of my back pocket, quickly swiping through my photo album. I realized almost all of the ones I had of Theo were with his skin completely pale. Samantha obviously couldn't see that.
"Well, here's my firstborn. This was a little while ago, she's two now." I turned my phone around for her. It was the picture of Melanie with her hands up on the rock at the park.
Samantha hummed, "That's a very nice picture, my kids also love that park."
I took my phone back and found the picture of when Theo was first born, when his skin hadn't gone snowy yet. "Here's my little crier."
It was true, Theo cried much more than his sister had.
I turned it back to her.
"That's a beautiful baby you have, Marine."
I smiled, slipping my phone back into my pocket. "Thank you. I guess, I just didn't expect to be so upset about it. I mean, not about the baby, just..."
She waited for me, but it was hard to find words.
"I mean, I was happy with my first. It felt like she had healed me. Maybe it's because I went off the medication, I don't know. I just constantly feel tired, and my headaches haven't stopped even after the pregnancy."
"Did you feel an urge to get off the medicine?"
"Not exactly? I just hated how it felt like I was completely dependent on it. Like two tiny pills controlled my entire mood."
"That's completely understandable, it's not just you who feels like that either. You're not alone." She reassured me. "I'd like you to go to the doctor, okay? You may need to be prescribed a new medication, Marine."
I sighed.
Samantha set her clipboard to the side. "I know this is going to be hard, but I truly believe you're strong enough to get through it."
~~~
"Mommy!"
As soon as I walked through the door, Melanie came running. She hugged my leg.
I kneeled down, putting my arms around her, "Hi, lovely,"
Cleo chuckled, "I think she missed you."
I hummed and gently rubbed my little girl's back. She was tightly gripping onto me.
As I stood up, Cleo walked over to me and quickly kissed my lips. "How did it go?"
"It...was fine."
"Mm, that's all I get?"
I nodded.
She pulled me in, and I sighed in relief. For multiple reasons. One, that she wasn't mad, and two, that I was finally back in her arms.
"Is there anything in particular that you'd like to do today?"
I shook my head.
"I'm going to go check on the baby then, get yourself comfortable, okay?" She gave my shoulder a squeeze.
"Why?"
"I just want you to take it easy."
My eyebrows curved downwards at her sympathy, "Okay."
She ran up the stairs, leaving Melanie clinging to me.
"Uppies!"
"I can't pick you up, lovely. Mama can when she gets back."
She looked up at me with what I was sure were the biggest puppy-dog eyes she could muster.
I forced a sigh down, "Not now. Come on,"
I detached her from my leg and grabbed her small hand, taking her over to the sofa, where I'd been spending most of my time.
~~~
Cleo had booked me for the doctor's appointment the next day, and we drove home in near silence.
Cleo's head tilted at me in worry. "Are you okay?"
"I-I can't believe it, is all."
She rubbed my hand. Her fingers hadn't even grazed the steering wheel since we'd gotten into the car. She was too focused on caring about me all the time.
The doctor had said I was showing signs of postpartum depression. It obviously wasn't going well with being off my regular medication, and maybe even the sub-drop Cleo had told me about.
It was just another thing to worry about. I found it strange how babies, things that were always said to bring joy, made you feel like such shit about yourself. Your body, the doubts about your parenting, the list seemed to go on forever, like a dark, winding tunnel.
I thought it would've gotten easier after the second baby, but it had just developed into something even uglier.
The medication would be ready for me in two days when I'd have to go into the pharmacy to get it.
Meanwhile, Cleo had told me to keep taking it easy until I got control over myself again. I thought it was clear she didn't want me around the kids in the state I was in. Maybe I was ruining everyone's moods. No surprise there.
She quickly kissed my jaw. "I know, babydoll. But it's all going to work out, okay?" Her hand softly rubbed my cheek.
I nodded, my lips flat with no expression. I didn't know what to believe anymore.
She sighed. "Don't do this."
I didn't reply, simply fiddling with my hands in my lap.
"That's it."
She pushed the key into the ignition. Her thumb gently ran in circles on my thigh as she drove, like always.
Soon, we pulled in front of the mall.
I looked over at her, confused. "Are you serious?" I sounded as if I was accusing her of a crime.
"Trust me on this, okay? The children are with Faris. They'll be fine for a while."
Faris was our babysitter. They were a vampire, one Cleo apparently knew the parents of, and were well trusted.
They had been with us since Theo was born and were quite helpful for being only seventeen years old. I was sure they weren't only doing it for the pay, either. They seemed to really like watching the children, and had a knack with them, too. Especially Melanie.
Faris had seemed to be the only other vampire Cleo had interacted with in a long time, except her son. Which still made my heart lurch a bit into my stomach.
Cleo hopped out of the car, sliding the keys into her pocket, and she helped me to get out, as well.
I mumbled something to myself, even I wasn't quite sure what.
"You'll thank me soon." She said.
We ended up getting two full, heavy bags of books, the trip had made me realize how long I hadn't read. This time, I'd gone in more of a direction of fantasy stories, the pretty covers always attracted me.
When we got home, Melanie ran to me once again and clung to my leg. However this time, I picked her up. To which she shoved her head into my shirt.
"I'm always left with the bags, mm?"
"Last time I checked, you're the immortal vampire with enhanced strength." I gently bounced Melanie in my arms, watching as Cleo set the bags onto the counter with calm ease.
"That's just an excuse."
I scoffed, playfully rolling my eyes.
"Here, take your child, too." My arms were beginning to go sore.
"She wants you," Cleo told me.
"She'll be okay. She's quickly finding out Mama is stronger, too," I grunted, handing her off to Cleo.
"Ahh, is that right, baby?"
Melanie wrapped her arms around her neck.
"God, aren't you two just the cutest?" I smiled.
Cleo raised her eyebrows at me as I took my phone out to take more pictures. I was always taking pictures.
Faris quickly rushed over to us, holding Theo in their arms.
"I'll take him, thank you,"
They nodded with a small smile, handing him off to me.
Faris' skin was pale white, their hands decorated in swirly tattoos, designs made of black ink. Their hair was the color of an orangey beeswax, drifting into a deep brown. Like mine, it was wavy and curled upwards at the tips, although chic layers were sprawled throughout the dark sunset hue.
"I'm sorry, would you want me to leave now?" Faris spoke quietly, their eyebrows raised in question, as well as signing with their hands in small motions.
They were hard of hearing, but mentioned it was mostly in their right ear. We'd told them that they didn't have to speak with us, that I'd learned American Sign Language back in middle school, and had learned throughout high school. It was one of the few things I actually remembered from school. But they'd insisted that they liked to speak.
However, it was clear that they- understandably -weren't the most confident with it.
"Don't apologize, honey. But yes, I think you're done here," Cleo told them with a small smile.
As Faris nodded and grabbed their bag from off the bar stool, I slipped my wallet out of my pocket. I flipped it open, trying to find the usual amount, but I needed to go to the bank, because I couldn't find the regular bills.
I looked back up to find them staring at me, waiting patiently, a pleasant, neutral look morphed their face.
"Sorry," I hissed at myself.
I pulled out a one-hundred-dollar bill instead, trying to rub out the small creases. Their face seemed to almost explode in shock as I handed it to them.
"Don't even worry about it," I laughed, "thanks for your help."
Faris nodded, gently tucking it into a pocket in their bag. "Thank you!" A small giggle left them, their hands running in quicker motions, which I realized they'd do when excited. Their fangs dug into their lip, biting down an obvious ecstatic smile.
But in the end, a wide grin spread across their lips as they quickly ran out the door. It softly shut and as if on cue, Theo let out a small eep.
"Oh, sweet boy, are you tired? Been playing all day, have you?" Cleo gently caressed his cheek with a single finger.
"Bah!" He cried.
I smiled, "I think we have another early talker, bubby."
Theo was just turning four months old now, his babbling had just begun.
"Well, I'm not surprised, of course we have smart children."
Four days later, after the medication had started to kick in, I had felt better than I had in forever. Samantha had told me she realized my antidepressants always tended to kick in quickly, but I wasn't expecting to feel so good. It was way easier to not be a bitch.
I felt as if it had intruded down into my bones like magic.
Although I realized I was one of the lucky ones; the pills actually worked.
My only side effect was lots of sweating. My headaches hadn't gone away yet, but they were a little less sharp and came in more throbbing pain.
Regardless, I was still thankful.
Cleo was curled up next to me on the sofa, while Melanie was on the floor, playing with her dolls. Theo was asleep in his bassinet.
The small hum of the TV along with Melanie's happy whispers to herself filled the silence.
With Cleo's head against my shoulder, she was nearly about to doze off. I was scrolling through social media, before a loud knock on the door rang throughout the house.
Cleo's eyes slowly blinked open, she looked up at me.
"I've got it." I muttered, getting up and heading to the door.
I didn't bother looking through the peephole, it was usually just a package. Although, considering the thunderous knock, maybe it wasn't.
I opened the door anyway, and my eyes instantly drew up to a face. It was a tall man, maybe about six feet. He was taller than Cleo. He had dark hair, his bangs were neatly draped off to the side of his face, showing off his gleaming green eyes that seemed to cut clean through whatever he looked at.
He wore a black suit and navy blue striped tie, a white collared button-up underneath. Most importantly, his skin was completely icy. Not just the color, but I swore I could nearly feel the chilly air radiating off of him.
Startled, I took a step back, my eyes widening.
He put on a warm smile, "Apologies, you must be Marine," he poked his head through the door.
My hand nervously twisted the doorknob.
The underlying menace in his smile didn't leave as he presented the next question.
"Is your wife here?"