may 9th, 1954.
ellie and her dad were sitting on the sofa, watching a cartoon on tv after school. they were both snacking on popcorn, and the atmosphere in the room was warm and cozy. ellie was snuggled up to her dad, who was stroking her hair.
"hey, betty," her dad said softly, using her nickname for her. "how was your day at kindergarten, sweetie?"
"it was good," ellie responded, still focused on the television. she was a little bit shy and didn't quite know what else to say.
"that's great, sweetie. did you learn anything new?" her dad asked, his eyes still fixed on the tv.
"yeah, we learned how to sing the alphabet," ellie said. "my teacher said i'm really good at it!"
her dad chuckled and gave her a light squeeze. "i'm sure you are, betty. you're such a smart girl."
"smarter than keith, right?"
her dad let out a soft chuckle. "sometimes. but if you ever tell him i told you that, i will deny it."
they both sat in comfortable silence for a moment, their focus on the tv. ellie was relaxed and comfortable, and she felt safe and loved in her dad's arms.
suddenly, a loud noise interrupted their peace. ellie jumped and clung to her dad, who quickly comforted her.
"It's okay, baby. it's just a storm," he said, his voice steady and reassuring. "there's nothin' to be afraid of."
ellie nodded, her heart still racing. her dad held her close, and the two of them just sat together, waiting out the storm.
"it's peaceful if you think about it. like a little lullaby. that's why it keeps you inside, so you'll be able to sleep. ain't it time for you to take a nap, anyhow?" he asked, looking down at his daughter.
"no, i wanna wait until keith and mama get home."
"alright, sweetie. but i don't wanna see you burnin' the world down just cause you're cranky."
"daddy, play with me more!" she exclaimed suddenly. he looked down at her with a tired smile, taking her hands in his and pulling her close for a hug. "of course, my love," he said softly, "whatever you want."
as they hugged, her father presented subtle signs that something was off. the man's eyes look distant, his smile forced, his touch less than enthusiastic. despite her young age, ellie was wise beyond her years. but she was so focused on the game, she didn't notice the shift in his emotions.
she reached for his hand, and they resumed playing with a newfound vigor, her laughter filling the room. but as the hours passed, the man's demeanor became more and more subdued. there was a heaviness in the air, a sense of impending loss.
and then, as the day came to a close, the man checked his watch and stood up from his spot on the floor. "i have to go," he said quietly, "but i'll be back to play with you tomorrow."
ellie looked up at him with a confused expression, but he brushed it off and gave her one last hug. "i love you, betty," he said, and she wrapped her arms around him, holding on tight.
"where you going, daddy?"
he looked out the window and saw his son and wife were back home. "don't worry, sweetie. i'll be back, just like i do every day. i've just gotta—um, i'm just going to speak with your mother before i go."
for some reason, the young girl felt skeptical. "you promise?"
the man smiled, kissing the top of her head. "i promise." and just like that, the man walked out of the door, and he carried with him a heart he was about to break.
ellie woke up the next morning to the sound of birds singing outside her window. the sun was just beginning to peak over the horizon, casting a warm glow across her bedroom. she stretched her little arms and yawned as she climbed out of bed, running to her window to see if there was anything interesting going on outside.
as she looked down at the sidewalk, she spotted her dad walking up the street, heading to work. she waved frantically, hoping he would see her, but he was so preoccupied with the morning's paperwork that he didn't notice her at all.
not to be discouraged, ellie quickly ran out the front door and caught up to her dad. she looked up and saw him standing next to her. she felt his warm embrace as he lifted her up into the air, her face tickled by the wind.
but as quickly as the image came to her, it was gone, and the reality of the empty bed hit her. she frowned and climbed out of bed, feeling a little bit sad that her dad had forgotten to say goodbye.
as she got dressed, she made her way to the kitchen to have breakfast with her mom. as she sat at the counter, her mom looked at her with a warm smile. "hey there, sweetheart," she said, putting her hands on ellie's shoulders.
"hi, mama," ellie replied, returning her mother's smile. "i tried to wave to dad this morning, but he didn't wave back. he was working on his paperwork and didn't see me."
her mother's face fell; she was slightly confused. "oh, i'm sorry, honey. i'm sure he was just, um... really focused on his work. he loves you very much, you know that, right?"
ellie nodded. "i know, mama. but it still hurts a little bit. i miss him."
her mother's eyes filled with tears. "i know, sweetie. but dad is busy right now. we love you very much, and i'm always here for you, no matter what."
ellie smiled and hugged her mom tight. "i love you, too, mama," she said, her little voice just a whisper in the quiet tranquility of the house.
₊⋆☁︎₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆₊☁︎⋆₊
december 18th, 1963.
"a throwaway," ellie mumbled to herself, leaning against her bed. she was staring at a picture of her and two-bit from when they were younger. when their father was still around.
when the idea of having only one parent around was still being denied in her brain, ellie would sit at her window for hours, waiting for his return. he promised he'd be back.
the sky was overcast that first week, as the conversation between her and her father replayed in her mind.
as long as it keeps raining, i know he wasn't lying. maybe he got stuck in the bad weather, she had thought.
but nothing lasts forever, so, naturally, the skies cleared up.
it slowly dawned on her that he wouldn't come back.
with his departure, every sweet memory ellie held with him turned sour. it impacted how she viewed things, and she stopped being so trusting.
she didn't even like to be called by that name.
elizabeth didn't like being called betty because it always reminded her of a time when she was a young child and had more naive, idealistic beliefs about the world.
back when her father was still around. it was his nickname for her. she was often called betty back then, which she now associates with that more innocent and unrealistic view of life.
it feels too childish or sentimental, and she prefers to be seen as a mature and independent adult even though her actions may not always reflect that. that's what everyone else wants, right? sometimes, the nickname just makes her feel like she's being reduced to a certain archetype that doesn't represent who she truly is.
and maybe, just maybe, she'd grown to hate it out of resentment for the man who so very selfishly left his children.
ellie sighed and got her notebook from underneath her bed, and flipped to a new page.
she tapped the pencil against the paper a few times, her fingers itching to get the words out, but not knowing where to start.
you've been on my mind a lot lately. i notice how you sit here, giving everything and more. you get less than you give, actually. you get less than you paid for.
you've got the sweetest soul..
ellie looked back at the photograph, remembering how her mother dressed her and her brother up, and how her dad took the photo.
'you've gotta capture these memories in some way,' her father said.
with that, the still frames and pictures in ellie's mind became pictures and words. carefully thought paintings, sketches, or words.
each stroke of a utensil a story.
her loved ones knew part of it.
but her art knew more.
even the smallest voices can make a major impact. in one alway or another, statements will be said.
maybe someday, ellie would be able to show it all to her friends and family, and then pass it on to her kids, too.
she pressed the tip of the pencil back onto her notebook.
when i was seven years old. you taught me that we are created equally, but raised to be different. i can't be like them.
as of late, this ideal was bugging ellie. she was only fourteen, stressing about how she was supposed to be when she was thirty. her mother always said maturity comes naturally. that things get better as you get older.
but what if i don't?
did you say i was smart to deter me from getting angry with you for abandoning me? was "wise beyond my years" really supposed to be taken literally?
ellie remembered all those years she sang happy birthday to herself because her mom was out working, and her dad was just, gone. god knows where he brother was.
celebrating being alive another year, alone.
her wishes gradually changed from wanting her father back, to wanting to be more like her mother.
'hope i see you soon.'
i try to be the strong one for you, but isn't that what you're supposed to do? i can't take care of you forever; it's supposed to be the other way around.
it was all mixed up, really. ellie was still trying to make sense of it all. she had so much to say, but none of it would ever leave the tip of her tongue.
who she actually was, wasn't presented to anybody.
this persona wasn't her at all.
anyone who "revealed" her secrets would simply have to keep digging, cause there was always more.
the hypocrisy is practically written in bold letters. the ribbons in your hair, the innocence and genuine enjoyment in your life. the childhood i always wanted reflected in your own eyes.
the wisdom beyond your years.
two-bit suddenly barged into her room, a santa hat perched on his head. "come on, elle, let's do somethin'. let's go into town."
ellie closed her notebook. "now?"
two-bit grinned and shrugged. "why not? you ain't doin' anything important." he caught sight of her notebook. "that damned journal. what do you even write in there? cause i swear, you write every word your mind comes up with in there."
"i've got a lot on my mind."
"okay, whatever, let's go," he said dismissively, yanking her up from where she was sitting on the ground.
"where exactly are you tryna take me?" ellie gasped, putting on an act of excitement. "do i finally get to go to one of buck's infamous parties?"
two-bit cocked an eyebrow at his sister. "yeah, nice try. but thanks for the suggestion. there's food in the fri—oh wait, you can't cook," he laughed. "go to the curtis' if you get too hungry or somethin', i dunno." he pressed a kiss onto the top of her head. "you're a smart girl, you'll figure it out," he said, walking out of her bedroom.
she quickly followed after her brother. "do you know what time you'll be back? it's already late."
"probably when you're already asleep, if you decide to do that," he said, letting out a snort.
"please be safe, two," she called after him.
"as long as you don't burn the house down, echo!" the front door slammed shut.
home alone once more.
there are times when i wonder if i would ever speak again, should everyone suddenly stop speaking to me.
ellie looked at her notebook lying on the floor and was reminded of rose. she said she was gonna be a writer and that everyone in town would know her name.
ellie didn't know what she wanted, but she was happy on rose's behalf.
she kicked the journal back under her bed and ran to the living room, and she quicklybegan dialing a number. the line rang a few times, and—
"hello?"
ellie pressed the phone closer to her ear. "hey, sandy, how are ya?"
"oh, hi, elizabeth! i'm um, i'm doing great, how are you?"
"i'm good. listen, i'm calling to try and... persuade you."
sandy's voice dubious. "...about what?"
brushing her hair from her face, ellie let out a sigh. "well, uh, you know. i wanted to persuade you to..." she began fiddling with the phone wire, trying to think of the best way to put this. "you know how things are, people ain't perfect, right? and like there are issues with people misunderstandin' the intentions of statements claimed by another individual but that doesn't necessarily make them a heathen," ellie babbled.
"what? elizabeth, get to the point."
"i think you should forgive steve..." she mumbled.
"not till he apologizes, at least to you. he had no reason to be acting like that," sandy quipped.
"i knew you'd say that. please, sandy? it's so much easier to forgive than hold a grudge. if not for your sake, forgive him for mine. and if not for mine, then evie's."
the line was silent for a while, prompting ellie to pick at her nails. she knew sandy was considering it, but she didn't know whether sandy would agree or not.
"okay, elizabeth," sandy said softly. "is that all you wanted to call about?"
"did you say elizabeth?" rose's voice came from the background.
ellie could tell sandy put her hand over the receiver. she sat down in the armchair as muffled whispers came from the other side.
"hey, libby, how are ya?"
"hi, rose. i'm doing alright, how are you?"
"oh, i'm grand. been doin' a lot of writing recently."
ellie couldn't help but smile at the young girl's ambition. "oh, yeah? what do you write about? if you don't mind tellin' me."
"um, a lot of things. it's hard to tell you without grabbin' my notebook and just readin' it out loud, cause it's kind of all over the place. but i write about everything, really. mostly about life."
ellie chuckled. "rose, you're ten years old, what are you writin' about life for?"
"i'm practically eleven. i will be in a few weeks. but anyway, it don't matter. just cause i'm younger don't make my experiences any inferior to the prunes who publish books and get all the recognition," rose said indignantly.
"sorry. is this supposed to be nonfiction or realistic fiction? or none?"
"nonfiction. but i dunno if that's completely true since i've got opinions. the world seems to be scared of those. downright terrified. did i tell you about the girls who got upset just cause i said it didn't matter if you could play football even if you weren't a boy? they went and asked the teacher who was right, but she had to agree with me since i'm so good at makin' points and arguin'." ellie could practically hear rose's smile.
"that's cool, rose, i'm glad you ain't afraid to speak up about your feelings and stuff."
"i'm gonna go walkin' on the train tracks." rose said suddenly, changing the subject.
ellie was taken aback. "now? it's already dark out."
"so? i wanna see the stars."
"so go see them in your yard or somethin', not on the train tracks, of all places! does your sister know about this? or your parents?"
"dee-dee don't know, and neither do my parents. and you ain't gonna tell them." the line clicked, indicating rose hung up.
ellie let out a frustrated groan. she rushed to her closet and threw on a coat, not paying any mind to whose it was. she put on her converse, thankful she was already wearing pants instead of a skirt or dress.
ellie stepped out into the cold and crisp night air, letting out a shuddering breath. the winter wind blew her hair into her face, but she hardly noticed. she pulled her coat closer to herself and started walking towards the track, lost in her thoughts.
the snow crunched under her feet, and the street lamps illuminated the falling snowflakes. it was a peaceful, almost magical scene, but ellie's mind was a million miles away.
she wandered for what felt like hours, but in reality, it was only a few minutes. as she walked, she realized that the cold was starting to creep into her bones and she hugged herself close, trying to generate some body heat.
despite her best efforts to get to the train tracks before rose, she saw the younger girl already there, sitting on the edge of the tracks as she traced patterns in the dirt with a stick.
"rose!" ellie hurried over to her. "how'd you get here so fast?"
rose shrugged, still making images in the ground. "i dunno where your house is, but i assume you live further away than i do."
ellie watched her make patterns for a bit, the sound of the stick scraping against the ground being the only sound aside from the harsh wind.
"i thought you wanted to look at the stars."
rose tossed the stick. "i guess." she turned her gaze to the sky, but after a few seconds she stood up and started walking along the tracks.
ellie watched her walk away, confused.
rose walked around and stopped walking. "you comin'?"
"um, yeah. sorry." ellie got to her feet and caught up to rose, walking next to her, alongside the tracks. the two girls left footprints in the snow, one pair of steps slightly smaller than the other.
"you ever think about runnin' away, libby?" rose asked, shoving her hands into her coat pockets.
ellie cocked an eyebrow, just as her brother does. "what kind of question is that? do you wanna run away, rose?"
rose shook her head. "no. but i was wonderin' if you did. maybe someplace where it rains a whole lot more than it does here in tulsa."
"no, i don't think so," ellie replied honestly. "i wouldn't wanna leave my family or friends. which, i'd like to mention, you did. it wouldn't be a very good look if they asked where you were and it turned out you were with me. they'd probably think i was a bad influence or somethin'."
"no. they won't find out. they don't even know i'm gone, libby. and as i said earlier, you ain't gonna tell 'em."
"how did i get here?" ellie asked under her breath.
"i never said you had to follow me."
"rose, what if your parents looked in your room and just found it empty? they're probably worried sick."
rose looked over at ellie. "it's not like i'm wandering blindly into the dark. it's the same place as when i come here durin' the day. and besides, you left your room empty."
"i came out here to make sure you didn't do anything dangerous," ellie stated simply. "but what if something were to happen, and i'm not there? your parents gotta know where you're goin' and where you've been."
"you sneak out a lot. i bet your parents don't know you're out and about, so maybe i should tell your family on you."
a flash suddenly appeared in the corner of ellie's eye, and she whipped around to see a fast-approaching train that would not be stopping any time soon.
somehow, someway, rose was oblivious to the train as she trudged along the tracks.
ellie wanted to freeze up, she wanted to panic. she wanted to be able to be scared. but to do that would be to sit and watch them both die. thinking fast, ellie yanked rose off of the tracks and they tumbled into the snow, both breathing heavily.
"...oh my god." rose said breathlessly.
"oh my god," ellie repeated, just as breathless.
ellie stood up, brushing snow off of her clothes and extended a hand, helping rose up as well.
"i think," ellie began, struggling to catch her breathe as she stared after the train which nearly ran them over, "we should both keep this a secret. if they ask, we were in your backyard or somethin'."
"agreed." rose said quickly as she hastily grabbed ellie's hand and led her further away from the tracks, "just to be extra safe."
they walked back in the direction towards their houses. "it's parent, by the way."
rose turned to look up at ellie. "huh?"
"i only live with my mama and my brother."
rose held ellie's hand a little tighter. "it's okay, libby. you're like another sister to me. i'd trade you for dee-dee any day."
"what did sandy do?"
rose shrugged. "not really anything, she just acts like a sister. but she probably feels the same way about me, cause that's just how siblings are. i'm sure if you were actually my sister, i'd get tired of you, too."
ellie smiled. "gee, thanks, rose.."
rose laughed, and ellie began to think about her relationship with her brother. the dynamic seemed very different from the one between rose and sandy.
was it cause two-bit was a boy?
or was it just a broken relationship?
rose looked at ellie with a sympathetic expression. "libby?"
"yeah?"
"i know it's hard sometimes. but you know, i think deep down, your brother does care for you. even if he doesn't always show it in the best ways."
"i guess so. i think he cares about his image more than most things, though."
they continued to walk in silence, the wind blowing their hair into their eyes as tiny snowflakes dusted their clothes.
rose looked over at ellie, who had a faraway look in her eyes. "libby, are you okay? you've been quiet for a while."
ellie shook her head. "i'm fine. just thinkin' about my brother, that's all."
"okay. what's goin' through your mind?"
"i don't know, it's just... i feel like our relationship is different from yours and sandy's. it's like we don't understand each other or somethin'."
rose nodded in understanding. "well, you do have a brother and i have a sister. the dynamics might be a little different. and it's not always easy to get along with your siblings, you know?"
"i guess that's true..."
there was a moment of silence between them, both lost in their thoughts. after a while, ellie sighed and looked up at rose. "but even though our relationship isn't always perfect, i still love him. And i know he loves me too. we just have to find a way to make it and between us."
rose's face softened. "that's what families do, libby. i'm sure things will get better with time."
yeah, even though we almost died, ellie thought to herself, smiling, even though it really wasn't funny. but deep down she knew rose was right.
things will get better with time.
𝚎𝚗𝚍 𝚘𝚏 𝟷𝟿𝟼𝟹.