Arlo, Nellie, Eva and I all get ready to go trick or treating. Who cares how old we are, it's fun.
our costumes ^^
"I haven't been trick or treating in so long," Nellie says.
I'm scared, i'm so scared.
We're going to a party afterwards. I'm horrified. But i don't want to seem like a party pooper, so i'm going.
We all leave the house and begin going around the streets knocking on people's doors.
"Trick or Treat!" Arlo laughs.
Eva sighs, "I cringe everytime you say that."
Someone opens the door with a scary mask on, all of us flinch.
The guy cackles, "It would be worse if i had the mask off,"
We all smile and laugh, take the lollies and go to the next house.
We do this for a few hours. I let myself go, i let myself have fun.
I let myself laugh and smile, i let myself listen and engage but also talk.
Until we arrive at the party.
I walk behind Nellie and hold her hand tightly. The last time i went to a party i left traumatised.
The last time i went to a party, i got raped.
Arlo opens the door and the music blasts as we enter.
Tears spring to my eyes. I'm so scared. I'm so scared.
"Yoooo Arlo!" A guy dabs up Arlo.
"Hi Freddy!" He smiles.
I swallow down my vomit, biting my lip, trying to distract myself.
People already come over and begin talking to Arlo, Eva and Nellie.
Nellie doesn't seem to mind.
I haven't said a word.
Nellie turns her head and looks at me before walking a little till we're at the side beside a wall.
She holds my face in her hands, her thumb rubbing over my lip, "Do you want to go upstairs and try to find a room and we can breathe?"
I shake my head frantically, "No, no, no, no, please, no."
"Hey hey, it's okay, we don't have to," She rises to her tippy toes and kisses me softly.
I can't kiss her back. Not here. It's too much.
"Do you want to go home?" She asks me.
I shake my head, "Go have fun, i'll stay here."
"No, i want to stay with you and make sure you're okay."
"Im fine," I run my hand through her hair.
"Come on, let's go tell Arlo, we're going."
Nellie holds my hand and i reluctantly trail behind her as she walks through the crowd to Arlo and Eva.
Eva looks the same way i do. Scared. With Arlo there trying to comfort her.
"Arlo, we're leaving." Nellie tells him.
"Yeah we're going too."
The group of us leave the party we had just arrived too and all go back to Arlo's house.
"Do you need to shower?" Nellie asks me.
I shake my head.
"Baby, what's wrong?" She slowly blinks at me her eyes jumping over my face.
"I just um, i don't know, i just um." I can't speak properly.
There's something wrong with me. I shouldn't ne like this.
"I'm right here, i've got you." Nellie tells me.
"I-i n-need," I stutter, "Breathe." I whisper to myself.
"Henry, what's going on? Are you having a panic attack?" Nellie looks at me worryingly.
I shake my head, i'm fine. I'm fine.
"It's okay, it's gonna be okay." Nellie hugs me.
I need to go home.
I grab my phone and message my mum telling her i'm ready to be picked up.
"Do you need a lift home?" I ask Nellie coldly.
"No it's okay, i'm staying with Eva."
I nod.
My mum texts to tell me she's here and i have a sudden kick of guilt for just leaving my friends. But i can't function, i'm not okay.
"My mums here," I get up off of the sofa we had sat on.
Arlo gives me a hug, i cringe at the touch, i can't stand people touching me right now.
Eva smiles at me and i can't return it.
Nellie kisses my cheek, "Message me if you need okay?"
I nod, getting out her grip and going out the front door as quick as i can.
I climb into mums car.
She tries to touch my hair but i turn my head, sinking into my chair.
"You okay?" She begins to drive.
"Yeah." I lie.
She crawls into my lap and begins to kiss me.
I bite my lip and try not to cry or gag. I can't live with this anymore. It's too hard.
As soon as we get home i go upstairs to my room, closing the door and i let the tears go.
I begin to sob.
I don't understand. I don't understand what i ever did for that to happen to me.
She ruined me, she took me, and i didn't even get to stop it.
I sit at my desk and cover my face with my hands to conceal the half sob, half screams coming out my mouth.
Im going insane.
The memories of it won't leave my brain and it won't stop, it's all i think about, it's all i feel.
It's all my fault, i didn't do anything. I didn't scream, i didn't get her off me.
I just sat there and let it happen.
It's all my fault. My fault. My fault.
The bullying, my fault, my assault, my fault, everything is my fault.
I cry and cry, my hands over my face as i try to muffle the sounds of myself.
I'm so tired, i'm so exhausted.
I get up and lay in my bed. I cry myself to sleep.
I cry until i'm drowning, suffocating, praying for change.
I hate living this way.
~~
I'm not sure who's idea it was to put a basketball game the day after halloween.
But i'm going.
I get up and do my hair, get dressed, skip breakfast, and brush my teeth.
My mum drives me to the game and drops me off.
I go to the changerooms as all the boys are getting ready.
"HENRY!!" Arlo calls.
I smile softly at him and go over. He gives me a big hug, holding me close.
I get into my basketball uniform, anxiety rippling my body.
I don't want to be here.
Our coach calls us onto the court so we all come running out.
My eyes scan the crowd for Nellie, she told me she was coming.
But i don't see Nellie.
I see Mary. The girl who assaulted me.
Oh god.
I squeeze my lips together trying not to gag as tears form in the back of my eyes.
I look around and everything feels cloudy. It's all moving in slow motion. It's all too much.
I'm so hot.
I can't breathe.
I quickly run off the court leaving my team behind.
My chest constricts and i begin to sob.
Why is she here? Why?
Memories come rushing back to me in a massive wave. Everything feels too much.
"Hey, hey, man what's wrong?" I hear Arlo come up behind me.
I can't even swallow my tears. I can't even pretend like i'm fine.
I'm drowning in emotions and i wish he hadn't walked in. I wish he'd let me drown.
"Henry, hey." He stands infront of me eyes scraping my figure, "What's wrong?"
I stumble backwards until my back hits the locker and i flinch.
"Take some deep breathes." He says. For once he isn't smiling. He actually looks concerned.
I close my mouth and breathe in through my nose.
"What's got you upset?"
"She's here." I sob.
"Who? Nellie? I know she's here."
"N-no, no." I shake my head.
"She is here, she's right out there."
"N-not her," I gasp, "M-mary."
"The ginger cheerleader from Port Compus? Your old school?"
I nod and lean my head against the lockers.
"Why does it matter if she's here?" He frowns, worry written across his entire body.
"S-she r-raped me Arlo," I sob as it spills out my throat, "She fucking raped me."
The sentence spills out my mouth and i cover my lips with my hand. I've never said it aloud. I've never ever told anyone like this.
When i told my mum i messaged her when she went away for a weekend. I've never told someone face to face.
What did i just do?
oh my boy