The first thing I notice about Cara when she walks into the room is how flushed her face is. It wouldn't be so painfully obvious when she's blushing if it weren't for the fact that the millions of freckles covering her face always get much darker when her cheeks heat up, which I've always found both hilarious and intriguing.
The next thing I notice about her is her unsteady, uncertain stance as she awkwardly sets my jacket down on my desk. Sometimes Cara can be awkward—that's just who she is—but she never moves this sheepishly without a reason.
"Someone had a good time," I comment, watching as Cara's body stiffens, caught red-handed. I don't know what she thinks I'm talking about, but her face falls completely guilty. What happened?
"Yeah, it was nice," she laughs it off.
"Did you guys hook up this time or what?"
Cara gulps. No way.
"Wait, actually?"
"No!" she says immediately, forcing eye contact this time. "We didn't have sex, if that's what you're implying."
"You just looked so flustered—I figured it had something to do with that. That's how I was my first time."
"Oh, god, I don't need to hear about that."
I roll my eyes with a smile. "Well then what happened? You clearly did something more than last time."
"Yeah, we— we made out."
"Oh," I say, almost disappointed for her. "That's it?"
"Oh, shut up. We can't all be good at this kind of stuff, Greenwood."
"But you had such a good teacher!" I tease her, watching as she rolls her eyes and starts to take off her makeup. I've always seen it as so unfair that her bare face is just as pretty as her made-up face—if not more. It's not often you find someone with a face so symmetrical with all of the ideal proportions, absolutely covered in freckles. I never hear her complain about how she looks, so she must realize how effortlessly beautiful she objectively is, at least to some degree.
"God, that kills me," I say out loud, not realizing until it's already been said.
"What?" Cara asks. I stumble over my words trying to put together an excuse for blurting out something so random, but I just decide to go with the truth.
"I don't know how you have, like, the perfect face all the time. It's infuriating."
"What are you talking about?"
"Come on, Jasper, don't pretend like you don't know. You literally have the face of a celebrity."
"Thank you?" She responds warily as soon as she's taken off all of her makeup. "It's so weird to hear you compliment me."
"I'm jealous of you, not complimenting you," I tell her even though we both know I'm full of shit and she just chuckles.
"Yeah, okay. Whatever helps you sleep at night."
I think about ending the conversation there but hearing this casual side of her is so refreshing it's nearly addictive. After so many years of being the nail in her foot, it feels euphoric to talk to her like we're... friends.
And if we're friends now, I should look out for her, right? Even if that includes exposing that the girl she's been seeing is actually a huge flirt and clearly isn't serious about her?
"What's up?" she asks before I can get a word out. It's only now that I realize I've been staring at her in silence for the last few seconds.
"Nothing, just..." I tilt my head to the side and put on a concerned smile. "Tell me about your date with Sasha. Do you really like her?"
Cara takes a small breath, leaning back in her chair with her hands in her lap. "She's... complicated."
"Really?"
"No. And I think that's what bothers me."
"Why is that?"
"She's very nonchalant, you know?" Oh, I can imagine. "And that's fine, but it makes it so hard to learn things about her. I've known her for a month and I just learned her major."
I nod in understanding. "She definitely gives off that vibe."
"But she is really sweet. She takes the initiative and lets me talk about myself, which is always good," Cara says, causing a stutter in my chest as my face sours. It just hurts to hear her talk so highly of someone who is clearly using her.
"Do you think things are gonna become serious between you two?"
Instead of answering my question, Cara narrows her eyes at me. "Someone's sounding a little jealous."
"I am not jealous of you and Sasha, Jasper."
"No, of course not. It's not like you just admitted it five minutes ago," she teases, making me laugh. "I mean, I get it! Considering how your date went with Theo—"
"Oh, please do not bring that up," I beg her, laughing through my words. The whole thing has become a sort of inside joke between our friend group at this point but it was definitely not one of my finest moments.
"I'm not opposed to it," Cara says after a moment, finally responding to my initial question. "But I'm not actively seeking it out either."
I nod. "Just be careful."
"I can take care of myself, Greenwood," she says as she stands up from her chair. "I'm gonna hop in the shower real quick, do you need anything from the bathroom?"
I shake my head as I put my AirPods in. "Go for it."
She leaves with her towel and a change of clothes in her hands, shutting the door behind her. I can't hear a single sound from it all thanks to the noise-cancelling feature so I take advantage of it to watch a show I've been needing to catch up on.
I'm five minutes into a new episode when I get a text from Juli, who I was just getting used to not seeing any more notifications from. Still, despite my irritation, I tap on the message and open it immediately. When I see her name, I'm expecting something casual like "hey" or "i miss you," and part of me even hopes to see something like "i'm not seeing anyone btw," since I'm still not sure what to believe.
What I least expect to see is a selfie of Juli's topless body lying on her bed with her face out of shot.
"Jesus Christ—" I say to myself as I shove my phone face down into my chest. "No fucking way."
I take a moment to collect my thoughts before taking another look at the picture, which although completely unsolicited and unexpected, still somehow draws me in and I hate that it does.
I guess part of me misses what we had. It was never going to end in marriage or anything, and I knew that, deep down at least. But she was the first person who made me feel like I could accomplish anything. I'd had boyfriends in the past who only liked me for my body or my brain—none of which I even speak to or think about anymore. But Julianne looked at me like I held the world in my hands. She treasured my brain and nurtured my body and everything with her just felt so much more real than it had with anyone else.
She was my first definition of love, even if it wasn't the same definition as everyone else. And even though I don't love her anymore, I think part of me still has a tiny Juli-shaped hole in my heart that's just waiting for her to come back.
juli: wishing you were here. <3
I know I should cringe but I just end up melting instead and it kills me. Without thinking, I rip my shirt off and try to picture what a good pose would be if I were to send a photo back. I practice in my camera with my bra still on but I can't get the right image and it irritates me. So I unclasp it and set it beside me, finally able to see what Juli would be seeing. But no matter how many poses I do or how many angles I get, I just can't get over how weird I look. Usually I try not to be too aware of my body but times like these, it's impossible to be happy with myself, and it's one of the worst feelings in the world.
Suddenly, I hear vague mumbling from the door, which I only now realize is OPEN??
I rip out my earbuds and pull my blanket over my naked top half with a face full of dread as I make direct eye contact with Cara.
"What the fuck?!" I panic, pressing my blanket closer to my chest.
"Sorry! Sorry!" Cara exclaims, covering her eyes with her hand. "I didn't mean to— I just—"
"Get— get out!" I shout in a stutter, completely overwhelmed.
"This is my room—" Cara says, refusing to remove her hand from her eyes, thankfully.
"Just turn around!" I plead as she obeys, using her towel to cover her face completely as she turns to face the other way. I scurry to slide my shirt back on, hiding my brad under my pillow for the time being until I can get it to my laundry basket in a less humiliating time.
"Okay, you're fine," I tell Cara when I'm fully decent again. If I had a pound of freckles on my face like her, they'd be twelve shades darker right now.
Cara just turns around in silence, avoiding any and all eye contact with me while I do the same. She drops her clothes into her laundry basket and jumps into bed without another word and the silence crawls around the room and suffocates me.
"This never happened," I tell her after minutes of excruciating quiet. It's embarrassing, but needs to be said. And when I look over at her, she's still not sparing me a single glance.
"Agreed."