I know Aspen should be the least of my worries while I'm getting ready for a date with someone who can actually tell me she likes me with a straight face, especially since the night has passed and Aspen seems to be doing fine now. But I can't stop thinking about how hurt she looked.
I know it was presumptuous of me to ask her what was wrong, seeing as we've never exactly been best buds, but what else was I supposed to do? Just sit there and watch her suffer?
The Aspen I saw last night was the most unfamiliar version to me. I'd never seen her so dejected—so separated from herself. She's always been Aspen Greenwood: the golden girl with the kind of charisma people go their entire lives trying to replicate. She's always been cool and confident, never a fracture in her smile as she stood on the podium, never a break in her demeanor when someone tried to challenge her. She was insufferably perfect. She always had been.
So what happened? What could have possibly been the straw that broke the camel's back?
And why does it bother me so much that I don't know?
"I'll be there in about ten minutes," Sasha tells me over the phone as I'm trying to do my hair. The pigtails I've done could work but it might be a bad sign if I can't tell whether I look like an adorable six-year-old or a morally corrupt librarian in a porno. Even making that comparison feels disgusting to me.
"Okay!" I tell her excitedly, though I can't shake the thought of Aspen no matter how hard I try.
She hasn't spoken to me all day—mainly because she's been out most of the day—but I haven't tried starting any conversations with her either. I guess I feel like I'm being intrusive if I try to talk to her but we're friends now, right? Or at least we're trying to be. Trying to find my place in Aspen's life is turning out to be an impossible task.
I end up pulling my hair back into an "effortless" ponytail, despite it taking a lot of effort, and in my full-length mirror, I analyze my outfit one more time. It's still quite basic, as all of my outfits seem to be, but I think it works. The jeans I chose are my favorite—super comfortable and flattering—and even though I'm wearing a t-shirt, it's cropped and fitted, so it still looks like I put in effort, but not too much.
I bet Sasha has never been so worked up over an outfit like this before. She doesn't seem to have one anxious bone in her body.
"Oh, that's a cute shirt," I hear a familiar voice coming from behind me. Aspen is leaning her head against the doorframe, glancing at my outfit. "Don't you think you'll get cold, though?"
"Thanks," I respond to her first comment quickly, turning to hide my confused face. "And no, I should be okay. It's not very cold outside today—plus, I don't really have any jackets that would go with this."
Aspen scoffs, sounding like her normal self. I don't get it. "Yeah, right. It'll be, like, fifty degrees tonight."
"That's not true," I tell her, trying to stay as normal as possible. I'm scared that her entire demeanor will change if I try bringing up last night again.
"Just take my leather jacket," Aspen suggests as she takes a seat at her desk chair, catching me by surprise. "That would be cute with your Docs."
I turn to look at her. "Really?"
"Yeah." She doesn't expand on that, just leaves it there. "Just don't lose it."
I roll my eyes. "I don't lose things."
"I beg to differ," she teases with a grin. "Remember the spelling bee?"
"That was clearly a one-time mistake!" I remind her, appalled that she would even bring it up now. "Everyone knows I can spell eulogy. I was just really nervous about it."
"In all fairness, I would not have gotten that right either." She stretches in the chair, arching her back and her neck with her head dropped behind her. "That's not exactly the most common vocab word."
A small exhale escapes my nose as I hear a knock on the front door. Aspen and I make unexpected eye contact and she tosses me her leather jacket, which I fold over my arm as I move to catch the door. Outside is Sasha, standing confidently—as she does—with a warm grin.
"Looking beautiful as always," she tells me when I finish locking the door. I smile back at her.
"And you're looking phenomenal," I respond, remembering her joke from our first date. I start to feel a sense of déjà vu just looking at her impressed expression.
"Such a charmer." She smirks and glances down at my lips, starting to crack my carefully curated calm composure. But then she turns away and bites her lip. "Hey, so I brought some supplies for a picnic instead of having dinner at my house."
"Oh," my mood shifts despite my brain telling it not to. "You changed the plans?"
She looks over at me confused. "Yeah, is that okay?"
"Yeah! Yeah, that's fine," is what I say. It couldn't be further from the truth though—I thought Sasha would've known that by now. She's seen what my anxiety can look like over the small things, but changing plans? After she told me we would just be at her apartment?
"Don't worry," she says. She must've noticed the fear in my expression. "It'll be calm. Nothing that can trigger any panic attacks."
I smile at her as real as I possibly can, hoping it doesn't look as fake as it feels. I know she means well but I can't help but feel put off by it all.
Still, I get in her car and she drives off toward campus. The ride is short as she finds a parking spot near the sustainability building and we get out only eight minutes after leaving my dorm.
Sasha walks me through the outside halls of the building, pointing out her favorite spots. I can't believe I've known her for a month at this point and she hasn't told me anything about her major until now, but I guess she's been more focused on flirting with me instead.
"And here we are," she announces proudly as we finish walking down a mysterious flight of cement stairs. Seemingly out of nowhere, the alleyway we entered flourishes into a bright garden, flush with tons of different flowers and other plants. All four corners are walled in by the outside brick of the surrounding buildings, dressed in vines with leaves growing from the cracks in the rock. There's no picnic tables or benches anywhere in sight but something about the place makes you realize that's not important.
"Wow," is all I can say.
"Right?" Sasha starts to roll out the picnic blanket she brought. "It's, like, the single most beautiful sight on campus."
I take my chance while I have it. "Other than you?"
I think it's my most impressive attempt at flirting to date, yet Sasha's face doesn't redden the slightest bit. Instead, she cocks her head with a grin and looks me up and down.
"Well, look at you, you little flirt." She sets the picnic basket down and crosses her arms all without breaking eye contact. "I love this side of you—where have you been hiding her?"
I giggle, despite hating how it sounds, and take a seat on the floral-patterned blanket. It's soft and comfortable, but not so soft that it makes you sweaty, so it's perfect.
Sasha sits across from me and opens up the basket, showcasing everything she brought like a CEO presenting her new idea to the board or higher-ups.
"So I got some classic brie cheese and ciabatta bread to pair together with some raspberry jam; I figured that was a good picnic option," she says. I nod along as she continues with, "Plus I brought some sparkling apple cider and chocolate chip cookies."
"Oh I love apple cider!"
She smiles sweetly. "Perfect. I also brought this veggie platter!"
As soon as she sets the platter down on the blanket, she reaches back into the basket and pulls out some deli meat and regular sandwich bread.
"Oh, meat?" I ask, taken slightly aback. She glances down at where my eye-line ends and looks back up at me confidently.
"Yeah, that's for me!"
"Oh, okay." I nod with a small smile. Part of me feels disappointed that she brought meat to a picnic with a vegetarian but I know it's irrational of me to ask her to avoid it when she doesn't live the same lifestyle as me. I guess I just feel like it would've been a nice gesture if she would partake in it with me for a date, but I also shouldn't just expect her to.
We start to dig in as the sun begins to set, a sheet of golden light encasing the entire garden and making Sasha's eyes shine a warm honey color. She smiles at me as I take a bite out of a baby carrot and try to enjoy some celery.
"So you're a sustainability major?" I ask her when the moment feels right; the silence between us as we eat is just another reminder that there's not much we have to talk about, which clearly stems from our lack of really knowing anything about each other
Sasha nods happily, patting down her black baggy low-rise jeans. "Yeah, it was kind of an impulsive switch from psychology but I'm loving it so far."
"What made you decide to switch?"
She shrugs. "Nothing specific. I just kind of felt like it, so I did it."
"Wow, that's... terrifying."
"Really? How so?"
"I just can't imagine changing my whole career path without panicking about it for weeks first. I feel like I have to be completely certain about my major if I'm paying thousands of dollars to go here, you know?"
Sasha snickers. "Yeah, I mean, my dad works for the school so tuition's covered for me. I guess that makes it easier to be less strict about my major."
"Oh, that's really cool! What do your parents do?"
Sasha squints at me playfully. "You ask a lot of questions, Cara," she says and I freeze, not exactly knowing how to respond.
"I love it," she finally says after a second. "My dad is one of the animation professors here and my mom owns a law firm, so I'm pretty much set for life."
"Yeah, sounds like it. Do you have any siblings?"
Sasha nods. "I'm one of six. There's Silas, Briar, Destiny, me, Jocelyn, and Lucas—the anxious one. And we're all adopted."
"Really?"
"Oh yeah."
"That sounds kind of... suffocating."
Sasha chuckles. "You don't have any siblings, do you?"
I shake my head with a sheepish grin. "Unfortunately not. If I did, maybe my parents wouldn't put so much pressure on me to be perfect."
It shocks me when the words come out of my mouth so easily, but Sasha doesn't even blink.
"I get that. I feel like I have the opposite problem," she says. "In a house with so many kids, it's hard to feel like my parents ever really see me."
Finally, she tells me something substantial about herself. It's refreshing to finally be able to see this side of her.
That's all I get for the rest of the picnic, though, and we finish up as soon as the sun is fully hidden away. We pack up quickly and get back in her car before she starts heading somewhere new and tells me it's a surprise, which I'm still not fully okay with, but it's at least a little easier to handle now.
After driving for about fifteen minutes, we make it to a giant plot of land with dozens of huge screens at every corner of a fence. there's a circular building in the center of the land with vintage decorations and designs and it doesn't take me long to figure out we're at a drive-in movie theatre.
Sasha pays for both of our tickets and parks in front of Screen 8, which is apparently playing some popular action movie. I haven't seen it before since it never interested me but it'll probably be entertaining enough. I should be grateful that Sasha even thought of it in the first place, really.
As soon as we park and turn her lights off, she gets out and pops her trunk open to start setting up a cozy makeshift bed in the back of her car. I try to help as much as possible, more trying to stay out of her way than anything, but we get everything set up within a couple of minutes and Sasha jumps inside to test it out.
"Oh, this is nice," she comments, fluffing her pillow. "Come on, try it out."
I get in beside her, lying down on the pillow she brought for me. It really is comfortable, for being the back of a car, and I start to get excited about being at a drive-in movie theatre for the first time. I turn to look at Sasha, who already seems to be looking back at me. It makes me blush but I don't look away; I want her to see me.
She smiles without saying a word and leans in to kiss me, which I let her do without a second thought. The moment doesn't last more than a few seconds, but it feels so nice to be here with her. I may have been upset about the change of plans but it's clear that she put a lot of effort into this entire date, and that means more to me than she even realizes.
"Thank you for doing all of this," I tell her genuinely, the smile on my face stubborn and familiar.
"Anything for you, beautiful," she tells me, sending those butterflies into my stomach again.
We spend a few more minutes like that—just lying beside each other, smiling in the other's presence—before Sasha suggests getting some popcorn and snacks before the movie starts. I happily agree and we're there and back before the movie begins.
The beginning of the film is awfully boring, as I expected, and Sasha seems to think so too, since she's already mentioned it twice within the first five minutes. I tell her it might get better, knowing that's not likely, and she says she trusts me, but I don't think she should in this case.
Around ten minutes in, I feel something touching my arm. I look over at Sasha, who is now cuddled up beside me with her head on my shoulder and her arm beside mine. Her touch makes me nervous, in the best way possible, and I nestle into her more to show her I like it.
She seems to get the message, as she starts to draw circles on my arms with her fingernails. I make subtle eye contact with her finger, which seems so delicate on my skin. She smiles at me when I look back at her and my face doesn't immediately blush this time, which sounds like progress to me. But then Sasha's finger starts to wander up and down my arm and that familiar nervous feeling starts creeping back in.
"Is this okay?" she whispers into my ear and it sends shivers down my spine. All I can do is nod as she caresses me.
Suddenly, her hand grazes my cheek and she turns my head and our eyes connect completely. She glances down at my lips once before looking back up at my eyes for permission. I hesitate only for a moment, worried about PDA, but then the hormones in my body that want nothing more than to let her absolutely ravish me take over and I nod.
She presses her lips to mine once again, kissing me with nothing short of passion. Her hands pull me into her deeper and deeper until the space between us has completely disappeared and it doesn't matter anymore that the movie is boring because we simply won't be watching it.
Sasha kisses me like it's her source of breathing, keeping our lips connected as much as humanly possible while still giving room to catch our breath every now and then. Everything is perfect, and then there's a new sensation when she slides her tongue past my lips. It startles me for a moment as I panic about how I should continue, but I don't exactly hate the feeling. It takes me a few seconds to get used to but then I try to follow her lead as much as possible and we fall right back into rhythm with each other.
I'm not sure how long we're like that, but I know it lasts until the end of the movie when I hear the end credit song, and that's when we finally stop. I'm not sure what I should say, if I should say anything at all, so I just stay silent with a smile until Sasha speaks.
"You're incredible, you know that?" she says as we start heading back to campus. I chuckle at that, not sure what she means by it.
"Seriously," she says. "You are the best kisser I've met by far. And that's saying something, considering your experience level."
"Well, I don't have a lot to go off of here, but the feeling is mutual."
Sasha laughs, placing her hand on my thigh as she continues to drive. I know I shouldn't overthink it but after making out with her for well over an hour and a half, without doing anything else, her hand on my thigh makes me feel just a bit more riled up than it should right now. I try to respond normally as she makes conversation with me but there's no denying that all I can even think about right now is her touch.
After a few more minutes, we finally make it back to my dorm, where Sasha asks if my roommates are home. When I tell her they are, a look of disappointment flashes across her face so briefly I almost don't catch it, but then she kisses me goodbye and heads back to her car.
My cheeks are still flushed from the events that took place earlier and I try to hide it when I walk into my bedroom, but there's no getting anything past Aspen Greenwood.