I am unbelievably upset. How dare she?
Getting through my classes is a little easier knowing I have seething rage ready to take over as soon as I get back to the dorm, so the day goes by quicker than usual. And when I get home and see Aspen sitting at her desk with a burrito bowl and a YouTube video playing, I can't contain myself any longer.
"Every time I think we're getting over this stupid rivalry, you just have to do or say something to upset me," I announce accusatively, dropping my bag straight on the floor without taking my eyes off of her.
But she just finishes her bite of food and pauses the video. "What?"
"Why didn't you tell me about you and Theo?"
Suddenly, her soul seems to leave her body as she processes my words. "What are you talking about?"
"Don't play dumb with me, I know about your date. Ambrose told me."
She furrows her eyebrows and fully turns to look at me. After clearing her throat, she says, "Well, I didn't tell you because, frankly, that's none of your business."
None of my business?
"Okay, well, my date with Sasha was none of your business but I still told you about her!"
"Yeah, by your own free will." She crosses her arms. "I don't owe you any details."
"But why Theo? Why my friend?" I persist. "You couldn't have gone after anyone else?"
Her eyes narrow at me and turn stone cold. "Are you forgetting that he's also my friend? In fact, he was my friend first, so I don't know why you're so upset about us hanging out."
"You're trying to pull him away from me," I accuse her in the heat of the moment.
"I'm not trying to do anything, Jasper. We were just hanging out. Are you crushing on him or something? Is that why you're so upset?"
"What? I—"
"I thought you had a thing for Sasha? Or are you just using her as an experiment?"
"This isn't about Sasha! This is about you trying to come between my friendships."
Instead of taking me seriously, Aspen just lets out a laugh. "I don't know what kind of narrative you're trying to spin about me but that's not what's happening. The truth is that you just can't handle sharing anything with me."
"I've been forced to share everything with you for the last four years of my life!" I blurt out without stopping to think. It kills me to know I'm yelling at her for something she can't control now but that resentment hasn't calmed down since the moment I moved here. And every second she's around me—sleeping in the bed next to me, dating people I want to be friends with—it only grows worse.
"I'm sorry," Aspen says after a moment. Tears sting at my eyes but I look away, refusing to let her see me cry. "But I don't think you realize I'm always competing with you too. Not just the other way around."
I scoff at that. "Competing is a stretch. Everything I have to work hard for, you can get just by batting your eyes and being at the right place at the right time."
"That's not true."
"It is so true. Especially when it comes to people," I tell her, crossing my arms now too. "And now you're trying to hook up with Theo? I know you guys were friends first but what's next? Are you gonna try going after Ambrose too? Can I have anything to myself?"
With that question, something in Aspen's gaze softens. She still pushes to be stern but there's a moment where her wall falters and something slips through and I catch it, despite all odds.
"What?" I ask.
"Nothing," she responds coldly.
I roll my eyes. "What is it, Greenwood?"
"It's nothing, I told you."
"Stop that. I saw your face change so tell me what changed it."
"It's not important," she says finally, slapping her giant headphones on as she presses play on her video, signaling the end of the conversation. I shake my head at her relentless stubborn attitude and try to cool off with a shower.
The water steams up the bathroom as I grab everything I need and let the others know I'll be a little bit, but when I finally step inside, a smile finds its way onto my face. The heat from the water drops onto my skin and for a moment, I don't have to worry about school or rivals or girl crushes. Everything feels at peace for a good twenty minutes.
Then when I get changed and step back into the thick tension of my bedroom, everything comes slamming back into me like a bad dream.
"You guys want some takeout for dinner?" Opal asks from outside our open door. Both Aspen and I glance over at them.
"What kind?" Aspen asks.
"Probably just some Chinese food. I was gonna get some orange chicken and rice."
"Yeah, I'll take that too."
Opal glances over at me. "They have some beyond orange chicken if you want some. And veggie spring rolls."
I smile. "Spring rolls sound great."
"Cool, I'll order it now and let you know when it's ready." They leave us in silence as they walk back into their room where Norah is loudly complaining about the grade she received on her writing prompt. When I turn to look at Aspen, she's staring at me with a frown. But instead of talking to her, I give her the silent treatment and open my laptop to do my homework for the day.
It only takes me an hour to finish everything and by the time it's done, the food has already arrived. Norah and Opal went through the trouble to set up plates and silverware at the dining table, playing our takeout food nicely on each side. I immediately spot the spring rolls and take a seat, scowling across the table when I see Aspen sitting in front of me. She doesn't try saying a word to me and I realize the silent treatment is completely mutual.
Everyone starts eating while exchanging a few words here and there but the real conversation doesn't start until Norah excitedly asks, "Oh, Cara, tell us about your date with Sasha! How'd it go?"
I snicker to myself as I think about the irony of Norah asking me about my date when she knows even less about Aspen's. But I just smile and bite my tongue, answering her question instead of bringing that up.
"It went well, actually. She took me to dinner and then we went back to her place to watch a movie."
"Oh?" Opal chips in. "Did you guys hook up or anything?"
"No, no. We kissed, but that was it."
"You kissed!" Norah exclaims. "That's great! And you were so worried about not being flirty enough."
I let out a soft chuckle. "Yeah, I guess I was worrying about nothing. She wants to go out again this weekend."
"Really?"
"Yeah! We met up for coffee and she told me she really likes me, so this weekend she's making dinner for me at her apartment."
Across the table, Aspen scoffs only loud enough for me to hear, and I'm sure it's fully intentional. How entitled of her when her date clearly didn't go well, considering Ambrose was asking if she's okay. But if she wants to play the petty game, I can play.
So after clearing my throat, I announce loudly to Norah and Opal, "Aren't you going to ask Aspen about her date with Theo?"
Aspen practically chokes on her spoonful of rice as Norah and Opal make eye contact, completely confused.
"We didn't know Aspen was on a date with Theo," Opal tells me, zoning their attention back to my eyes.
Ha, join the club.
"Yeah, well," Aspen finally adds, "Neither did he, apparently."
There's a short moment of quiet between the table until Opal asks, "What?" as I'm sure we're all wondering. I surely am, at least.
Aspen sets down her spoon and sighs. "Yeah, I asked Theo to hang out the same night Cara went out with Sasha, but it was all super platonic."
"Wait, what happened?" Norah asks, fully invested.
Aspen shrugs. "It was all going well until I tried to kiss him and then he pulled away. The whole time I was reading it as a date and he thought we were just two friends hanging out."
Opal stared at Aspen with sympathy and Norah offers a comforting smile but I can't get over the fact that Aspen Greenwood, of all people, was actually rejected for once. And I hate myself for liking how it feels to hear that.
"Do you like him?" Norah asks Aspen, who answers with a hollow chuckle.
"Not really. Not like that." She pulls her face framing braids behind her ears like she always does when she tries to fill empty space in a conversation. "Actually, from the moment we met, I didn't see anything more than friends with him. It's just..."
She doesn't continue until Opal tilts their head and gestures for her to go on. I stay silent, remorse crawling its way up my spine as Aspen's nonchalant facade falls.
"Well, I've recently been in contact with my ex," Aspen says, avoiding eye contact as much as possible. "She's been telling me she misses me but I'm pretty sure she's in a relationship right now so I'm just really confused."
Norah and Opal both nod, sharing that sentiment with her.
"So I thought that if I could just find someone to hook up with, I would finally be over Juli and stop thinking about her so much. And Theo was the one person who seemed like he might've been up for it, so I reached out to him. But then everything went wrong and now I'm avoiding him at all costs because I feel super bad for trying to kiss him."
Norah giggles. "Don't feel weird, those things happen all the time. Theo doesn't seem like a bad guy; I'm sure he doesn't have anything against you because of that."
"Yeah, you're probably right." Aspen nods and takes a deep breath. "I just... I don't know if I can handle the mind games with Juli again, you know? I feel like our entire relationship was made up of mind games and manipulation and I don't want to let myself fall into that trap again."
I want to speak up and say something but after my behavior all night, I feel almost out of place trying to provide sympathy. So I take a couple of bites from my rice and try to be as polite as possible with my body language so she knows I'm not upset with her anymore. That's the least I can do in this situation.
"She really messed you up, didn't she?" Opal asks and Aspen nods.
"I thought it was true love," Aspen adds softly. "Stupid, I know. I mean, I was fifteen."
"Not stupid at all," Norah tells her, reaching her hand across to place it on top of Aspen's. "Young love is true love—just your fifteen-year-old self's own version if it. That doesn't mean it was never real."
Aspen glances up to meet Norah's sparkling blue eyes, paired with an empathetic smile.
"It's her loss for mistreating you," Opal says with their arms crossed and their typical stone cold expression. "You can't let her keep getting to you."
Aspen nods. "I know, I know. But it's like every time I try to pull away, she reels me back in."
"Just give yourself time. Everything will be okay."
The conversation ends there and everyone finishes eating their food, filling up quickly on rice and leaving the meat for leftovers. Norah volunteers to put everything away as Opal claims the bathroom for a shower so Aspen and I head back to our room in an agitating silence.
I want to say something to make her feel better, especially after being an asshole over the whole Theo thing knowing she has every right to be upset with me. But as she climbs up onto her bed without a single look back at me, I decide it's for the best to just mind my own business. And it works, but only for about an hour.
The pit of guilt at the bottom of my stomach grows more and more painful as I listen to her twist and turn, struggling to fall asleep. I know it's probably not my fault that she's so restless but I can't help but feel horrible about it anyway. If I just didn't bring up the date at all, maybe she wouldn't be losing sleep over whatever she's thinking about right now.
"Hey, I'm sorry," I tell her from my bed, my voice coming out soft and groggy.
Aspen turns over to face me, resting her head on her arms as she lies on her stomach. I can't exactly read her emotions since she doesn't smile or frown or even mock me with her eyebrows as she always used to do in high school. Instead, she stays silent. Waiting.
"I didn't know about the whole ex thing," I admit, regretting how casual my voice comes out. As if I haven't been groveling over this apology for the last hour and a half.
But she doesn't seem upset—not that upset, at least. All she does is shrug.
"It's not like that would've made a difference to you," she says suddenly, stabbing me in the heart with her snarky remark. I wish I could be upset over it—argue back and fight fire with fire—but she's not wrong at all. I was being emotional and reacted irrationally without listening to her point of view. Some old ex wasn't going to change how I felt in that moment.
"Fair point," I tell her. It feels like a weight is lifted off of my shoulders when I say it, as if I'd been holding on so tightly to the idea of being right for so long that admitting my faults feels fresh. New.
I spot a small quirk in her eyebrow, so I know she notices the difference in my response too. There's a short pause before I speak up again.
"I'm sorry for bringing everything up without knowing any of the details. I didn't mean to stress you out with my little... emotional outburst," I tell her, giving her a hopeless giggle at the end.
I expect her to tell me off or tease me but instead, she just scoffs and rolls her eyes. "You don't stress me out, Jasper."
"I don't?"
"No. If anything—" she starts, but doesn't finish her sentence. I keep quiet in case it comes back to her but she moves onto another topic before I can even think about what she could've meant to say.
"Actually, I'm sorry too," she says instead. It kills me not to know what she was going to tell me but I push through it to hear out her apology.
"You don't have to be sorry for anything," I tell her.
She shakes her head. "You were upset that you never get to keep anything to yourself. I get that. Maybe you didn't handle it very well but I understand where you were coming from and I'm sorry that I'm the cause of such a deeply-rooted insecurity for you."
Okay, insecurity is not the word I would've used, but I get the point.
"But you need to understand that my decision had nothing to do with you," Aspen tells me sincerely, looking me dead in the eyes with a stone cold expression. It sends chills down my spine and I nod. "And Theo was my friend first. Don't forget that."
"I know, I know. Thank you for not hating me for being so emotional." I sit in silence for a moment before letting out a snicker. "Well, thanks for not hating me more, I guess."
Instead of laughing along and agreeing with me, Aspen just narrows her eyes at me. "What makes you think I hate you?"
My body freezes. I never thought I'd have to answer this question. All this time, I figured it wasn't a question anyone would ever ask; it's always seemed like common sense: hate the girl who has everything you want. But have I really had it twisted this whole time?
"Well," I start to say, but nothing feels right. "I mean, I don't know. I guess after that day in the bathroom—"
Aspen cuts me off with another scoff. "You have that story all wrong."
"How? I heard you very clearly talking shit about me on the phone to someone. 'She's not as good as everyone thinks she is; she probably cheated to get that score anyway!'"
She struggles to speak for a moment, the words getting caught in her throat. I can see her expressions change as she tries to find the right way to word her thoughts. Then, there's an expression I don't recognize as she takes a breath. I watch her chest rise and fall below her as her walls come down and I see a side of Aspen Greenwood that is almost completely unfamiliar to me: vulnerability.
"What I said was wrong and so stupid, but I wasn't upset that you got a better grade than me," she admits. "Honestly, it wasn't really about you at all."
I keep quiet, scared that if I speak, I'll ruin whatever this is.
"The person on the phone was my mom. When the grade was submitted and she found out that I didn't get full points, she forced me to call her at school just so she could yell at me about how stupid I must be to not get a hundred percent on a simple algebra quiz."
My eyebrows deepen as I try to recall any time Aspen's mother was anything but angelic to me and our other classmates. Has there been a side to her that I've never known?
"My mom idolizes you, Jasper," Aspen says so softly, it's almost painful to listen to. "She thinks you can do no wrong and she has told me more times than I can count that if I were more like you, I'd be capable of living a much better life than the one I'm choosing to live now."
"That's not true," I whisper without thinking. My breath hitches in my throat as I wait for her to respond.
"I know," she says. "But hearing that from someone who's supposed to love you unconditionally does terrible things to a kid's self esteem. So I did the only thing I could think of in that moment—I dragged you down with me."
I gulp down the anger I felt from that day, burying it beneath the new guilt that arises.
"You didn't deserve that," Aspen tells me. "No matter how angry I was, no matter how shitty my mom was being, you shouldn't have had to listen to me whine about you when you did nothing wrong to me. I'm sorry."
I shake my head unwittingly. "You have so much more integrity than I assumed. How do you do that?"
Finally, Aspen chuckles, and the room becomes just a bit brighter. "Be a shitty enough person for the right amount of time, I guess. Worked for me."
I don't know what comes over me and why it happens so naturally, but there's a thought in my head as soon as she says that. The thought refuses to leave and I know the only way to release it would be to say it out loud, but I just can't. So instead, it stays roaming my mind as our room descends into silence again, but a smile finds its way to my face when I hear Aspen's soft snoring from across the room. I stay awake until I know for a fact that she's sleeping soundly, and I finally let go of the thought that's been keeping me up.
It's so unfamiliar on my tongue, it comes out in a broken whisper, but nonetheless, it's out.
"There's no way someone so beautiful could actually be as bad as you claim to be."
And I don't know why it's taken me so long to see that for myself.