The rest of the week passes by quickly despite my head reeling over my date with Sasha and how everything went so successfully. Granted, it's not like I wanted it to go badly, but I guess part of me just kind of expected that it would.
It's been days since I've been able to really talk with any of my roommates, save for a few hellos and goodbyes as we headed out the door for classes and other functions. Still, although it's not a busy time of the year yet, it's easy to be pulled away by other outside things like hangouts and dates, apparently.
When I get back to the dorm after spending some time at the library for a coffee and a couple hours of research for my honors project, I notice that Norah and Opal's room is empty, while mine actually isn't for the first time in what has felt like months.
"Hey," I say without thinking about it first—something I've been really trying to get better at when it comes to talking to Aspen. It's simple, I know, but at least I'm trying.
"Hey," she says, taking an AirPod out of her ear to hear me better. She's lying down on her bed with her laptop screen facing her, watching a show that I don't recognize at all. "You just get back from class?"
I shake my head, setting my bag down on my desk chair like always. "No, not for another couple of hours. I was just doing some studying."
"Already? It's only, like, the third week." She sits up and closes her laptop, the gesture giving my stomach the tiniest flutter.
"I just want to make sure I'm starting my honors project early enough to make it something to be proud of."
She nods. "What are you planning on doing for it?"
"Probably a film analysis. Either written or video essay."
"Ooh, do a video," she suggests. "I love watching those."
A soft smile finds its way onto my face when she talks to me like this—as if we're actually friends. I know that sounds ridiculous but I'm sure we both hold some sort of resentment for each other in some way, so the fact that she's fighting hers to get along with me is kind of endearing. Even if it's an internal struggle for me to convince myself that it's real.
"What about you?" I ask. "I mean, I know I haven't asked, but I'm sure you were accepted into the honors program as well."
She chuckles, mainly to herself but I catch it. "Not sure yet. I'm thinking I'm just gonna play an extra piece in my piano class." Before I can respond, she instantly asks, "How was your date, by the way? I would've asked earlier but it's been hard to find the time lately."
I smirk. "The date went well! She picked me up and took me to dinner, which was sweet. She also knew, like, everyone there so that was... interesting."
"She did?"
"Yeah, she said she'd been there a lot since she's from the area."
Aspen hums in consideration.
"What?" I ask when she doesn't say anything more.
"Nothing," she lies.
"What, Greenwood?"
"I just think that sounds a little fishy," she finally caves but I roll my eyes and try to ignore it.
"Anyway, after that, she had plans to take me to a carnival," I continue, "but we decided against it when she saw how nervous I was."
"Oh, yeah, you would've hated that," she says, causing another bump in my heartbeat. Not many people know that I'm not a fan of carnival rides, so why does she?
"Yeah," I say slowly, trying to get myself back on track with my lagging train of thought. "So we ended up going back to her place to watch a movie."
Suddenly, Aspen's body perks up and she furrows her brows at me. "Really? Did you guys end up...?"
I catch what she's trying ask almost instantly. "Oh, no! No, nothing like that. We did kiss, but that was it."
"Oh my God, you kissed?" Aspen asks excitedly, with only a hint of disbelief. "Aren't you, like, a mega virgin?"
I roll my eyes at her, finally hopping up onto my bed. "Not mega. Just a regular virgin," I admit, unfortunately.
Aspen laughs to herself a bit, leaning back onto her hands. "Well, was it good?"
"What? The kiss?" I ask, and she nods. I take a second to recall the moment. "Yeah, it was really good. Maybe too good."
"Okay, do I even want to know what you mean by that?" she asks, her face sour.
I let out a short sigh. "I mean, it was really good. She wasn't turned off by the fact that I hadn't kissed anyone since middle school, so that was the first green flag."
"Wait, you haven't kissed anyone since middle school?"
"Hadn't. Up until last week. And don't you dare make fun of me for that," I warn her. She just smiles at me halfway, giving me a pathetic look back. "But yeah, she's a great kisser. I just..."
"You just...?" she leans in again, as if she's on the edge of her seat in the movie theatre. "What?"
I take a deep breath. "I don't know. Sasha's really cool and I know she's clearly into me, but I'm not sure what I want with her. Plus, there were some things throughout the night that made me feel kind of iffy about her intentions."
"What do you mean by that?"
"Well, she made a comment about me being nervous around her that kind of rubbed me the wrong way," I tell her first, deciding it's the calmer of the two things that bothered me.
"Oh, really?" she asks, completely invested. I feel like I don't even know what to do with myself when I'm getting so much undivided attention like this.
"Also..." I take a moment to contemplate first whether or not I really want to tell her about this second one. It's nothing crazy or serious but it is something I haven't even been allowing myself to think about since the date. So I guess if there's any time to talk about it, it's probably now. "This probably sounds so stupid but while we were kissing, it kind of felt like she was wanting more the whole time."
Aspen's body shifts again, only the direction of her head really moving. She tilts her chin just the slightest. "Really?"
I nod. "It wasn't anything bad, just... I don't know."
"Felt a little bit like a hookup?"
"Like that's what she wanted, yeah," I admit. "But all we did was kiss."
"Was she disappointed?"
"I don't think so." I sigh, running my hands through my hair as I lean back on my bed. "I mean, she didn't seem like she was."
Before Aspen can respond, my phone lights up with a ding and I glance to look at the notification. "Speak of the devil," I say when Sasha's name pops up on my screen.
"What does she want?"
"Um," I read her message to myself, reciting it back to Aspen. "She's asking if I want to grab coffee before class."
After a short moment of my thumbs hovering over the keyboard, Aspen asks, "Do you want to go?"
I glance to look at her. "Should I?"
"Oh my God, Jasper," she laughs to herself, keeping her eyes glued to me. "I didn't know you were so indecisive."
"Yeah, well, there's a lot you don't know about me," I say instinctively, feeling myself inch back into my old attitude with a twinge of guilt.
But without skipping a beat, Aspen adds, "And a lot that I do know."
For a moment, as my eyes stay connected with hers, my chest burns just the slightest. It's not like she's wrong—I guess there's always been some undertone of "keep your enemies closer" within our complicated relationship, so it's no surprise that she knows so much about me. Not to mention all the time that we've had to begrudgingly spend with each other from all of our extracurriculars in high school. And now as roommates, we're still learning things about each other, despite some part of us not wanting to. Or maybe that's just me.
"I think I'm gonna go," I tell her after a second. She narrows her eyes at me.
"Are you sure?"
I laugh to myself like she did at my question. "You tell me I'm indecisive and then question me when I make a decision?"
"You're right, I'm sorry," she says, throwing her hands up in defense. "It's just... it kind of sounds like you don't want what she wants. Are you sure you want to keep seeing her if all she wants is to hook up?"
"It's just coffee," I tell her, trying my best to stay nonchalant even though I know she has a point.
"Well, suit yourself." She starts to put her AirPods back in, sending a sick, stabbing feeling right into my chest. "Just be careful."
I roll my eyes at her, for I don't even know what reason, and I grab my bag before leaving through the front door. I make it to the campus coffee shop at the student union within a short ten-minute walk and it takes no time at all for me to find Sasha in the sea of people waiting in line. She sees me instantly and smiles brightly, waving me over.
I try my best to walk over to her without getting in anyone else's way, feeling kind of bad for cutting in line even though I don't plan on getting anything.
"Hey," she says with a genuine grin. I smile back at her just as warmly.
"Hey, you. What's up?"
She shrugs. "Just trying to get my cold brew so that I can function for the day. How'd you sleep?"
"Great, actually," at least I think so, "What about you?"
"Would've been better with you next to me," she says with a suggestive grin, which should make my heart pound, but considering I've been feeling iffy about her bold comments lately, it kind of just makes me cringe a little instead. Which, apparently, Sasha notices, since her flirty expression changes to something a little more remorseful. Still just as confident but much less... well, cocky.
"Hey, I just want to apologize to you," she says suddenly, taking me by surprise.
"For what?" I ask, genuinely confused.
"For being so into you?" she answers with an inquisitive stare. I continue to look at her, completely puzzled, and she just laughs it off. "Look, I know I can get pretty brave when I'm around someone I'm interested in, but I'm not, like, a player or anything."
Part of me kind of feels like someone who actually isn't a player wouldn't have to tell me they aren't, especially if I didn't even say anything to suggest that they are. But Sasha continues, saying, "Actually, I really like you."
And here come the butterflies.
"Really?" I ask, taken aback by my own conscience.
I know I shouldn't be impressed by a simple confession, but it's hard to feel dissuaded by something I never got to hear growing up. It's not like I've ever been the girl people would just flock to, begging me to go out with them. The only reason people knew my name was because I wanted them to. Still, all they've ever really known are my accomplishments—none of them really know me. And yet, Sasha wants to.
She doesn't know anything about Vermont Cara other than the fact that I'm from there, and I have full control over what version of me she gets to see. So I think I'll show Sasha the best damn Colorado Cara she'll ever see.
"Yeah, I really do," she says. It takes everything in me not to ask why, and even more to convince myself it doesn't matter why, but then she says, "You're not really like anyone else I know."
In a good way or a bad way?
God Cara, shut up, that's not important.
"How so?" I ask her instead of the first question, trying to come off just the slightest bit confident. I'm not sure that it's working.
But Sasha smiles, and in her sweet, smooth voice, she says, "You're just much more authentic."
Ha. If only she knew how much I have to mute myself around her just to come off as normal.
"So..." she continues without expecting a response, "I wanted to ask if you'd want to go on another date with me this weekend?"
For some reason, the question sparks my nerves, even though we've already gone out once and she's clearly interested in me, as she explicitly said to my face just thirty seconds ago. I guess I'm still getting used to that question.
Before I respond, she says, "I can cook you dinner at my apartment and we can just talk, if you'd like. It'll be a lot more chill than a nice dinner and a movie."
Even though I still have some doubts twisting around in my mind, I quiet them for a moment to tell her, "I'd love that."
Then she smiles and, just as her name is called to pick up her cold brew, she plants an affectionate kiss on my cheek in front of everyone here, which only sends my heart racing even more. Then, to top it all off, she grabs her drink and leaves without looking back, completely unbothered by the idea that someone might've seen that. I can feel my cheeks heat up but I leave as soon as I can to avoid letting anyone see me so flustered.
Until I run right into Ambrose, who seems to be rushing to our shared class that we both might be late to unless we hurry.
"Oh, hey Cara," he says with a grin and even though I hate that I can still feel how hot my face is while he's around, I know I feel a little more comfortable with him than a romantic interest right now.
"Hey," I greet him back. "How've you been?"
"Not bad! I mean, school work is starting to pick up now that it's, what? The third week?" I nod to confirm. "But overall, I'm doing pretty good. What about you?"
"Well..." I consider telling him about Sasha since we're a little bit closer since the first day of classes, but I think admitting that out loud beyond the three people who already know about it is terrifying. So I just stick with, "I'm alright. Same as you, just keeping up with assignments right now."
He nods. "Hey, how's Aspen?"
I feel a twinge of jealousy in my chest when he asks about Aspen, maybe a little upset that he moved on from how I'm doing so quickly.
"She's fine, why?"
"Well, Theo and I haven't heard from her since everything that happened last week."
"Everything that happened?"
He looks at me like I'm supposed to know what he's talking about. "You know, the date thing?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Aspen and Theo. Their date?"
Their what?