Aukai didn't like it.
He and Moana were clad from head to toe in shiny shells, the latter holding a drum and a bone. They entered the cave.
"Wow!" Moana said half-heartedly as she began banging on the drum. "The shiny, glittery cave."
"And just like us," Aukai added, equally half-hearted as his friend, "it is covered in sparkly treasure."
"Sparkle, sparkle, sparkle," the two said simultaneously as Moana banged on the drum.
"You two aren't selling it!" Maui, who peeked out from behind a rock, whispered to the two.
"This is stupid!" Aukai hissed. "I'm just gonna go up there and get it!"
"If either of you go up there, he will kill you," Maui argued. "Just stick to the plan." Moana continued banging her drum as Maui remembered something.
"Oh," he whispered, "when he shows up, keep him distracted. Make him talk about himself. He loves bragging about how great he is."
"Boy, you two must be mates," Aukai grumbled sarcastically.
"One, there was no mating," Maui hissed, "and two, if you mean friends, not since I ripped off his leg."
Moana paused.
"You ripped off his..." she began but stopped when she saw the demigod had vanished. "Maui?"
Just then, the treasure pile began to rumble underneath Moana and Aukai's feet. Slipping off a golden shell, they almost fell back to the ground, only for a giant crab claw to grab them by their shells.
"What have we here?" the owner of the claw laughed as he looked at the two with a barnacle-infested smile.
Moana and Aukai gasped. Tamatoa was a giant purple crab, and his treasure pile was his shell.
"They're sparkly, shiny..." Tamatoa began but stopped himself. "Wait a minute." Moana and Aukai both yelped as Tamatoa flipped them through the air, causing them to lose the shiny shells.
"Ugh!" Tamatoa groaned as he caught the two again. "A couple of humans! Is this your idea of date night, being down here in the realm of the...
"Just pick an eye," Tamatoa said as Aukai and Moana darted their eyes from one eye to another. "I can't concentrate on what I'm saying if you keep... Yeah, pick one, pick one!"
Moana then kept her eyes on Tamatoa's right eye while Aukai kept his on the left.
"You're a funny-looking thing, aren't you?" Tamatoa asked as he reached his other claw up to grab Moana's necklace.
"Don't!" Moana snapped as she pulled it away. "That's my gramma's!"
Aukai was thankful he was held by the waist by this giant crab or else he would've noticed the sword in his belt.
"'That's my gramma's!'" Tamatoa said, mocking Moana before speaking in his normal voice.
"I ate my gramma! And it took a week, 'cause she was absolutely humongous. Why are you two here?"
Maui was about to jump on Tamatoa's shell, only for the crab to pull away from the ledge. Just as Tamatoa was about to turn and face Maui, Aukai came up with something.
"Because you're amazing!" he shouted, getting the crab's attention. "And we humans have heard of the tale of the crab who became a legend! With the loot of a thousand ships!"
"And we just had to know..." Moana continued as Maui climbed back onto his ledge to hide, "how you became so... crabulous?"
"Are you two just trying to get me to talk about myself?" Tamatoa asked with a glare. "Because if you are...
"I will gladly do so," he finished, dropping the seriousness with a smile.
"Huh?" Moana asked.
"In song form!" Tamatoa finished as he threw something into the water above that made his gold begin to glitter, lighting up the cave with spots like stars.
"What is it with you people and songs?" Aukai asked right before Tamatoa began singing.
"Well, Tamatoa hasn't always been this glam
"I was a drab little crab once
"Now I know I can be happy as a clam
"Because I'm beautiful, baby!"
He dropped Aukai and thrust a giant claw into Moana's chest before pulling at both her arms.
"Did your granny say
"Listen to your heart
"Be who you are on the inside
"I need three words
"To tear her argument apart
"Your granny lied
"I'd rather be shiny
"Like a treasure
"From a sunken pirate wreck
"Scrub the deck
"And make it look shiny
"I will sparkle like a
"Wealthy woman's neck
"Just a sec
"Don't ya know?"
He looked up at the hole in the roof where fish began to swim overhead like vultures.
"Fish are dumb, dumb, dumb
"They chase anything that glitters
"Beginners
"Oh, and here they come, come, come
"To the brightest thing that glitters!"
The fish then fell into Tamatoa's mouth allowing him to swallow them whole.
"Mm, fish dinners
"I just love free food
"And you look like seafood!"
He then tried eating a squirming Moana as Aukai swung his cutlass at one of his nine legs since one was indeed missing.
"Hey, crab cake!" Maui shouted, causing Tamatoa to not eat Moana and look up at his shell. Smirking, Maui grabbed his fish hook and pulled it out of the treasure pile.
"I'm back," Maui said to his weapon before kissing it. He raised it to the sky and shouted, "It's Maui Time!"
Tamatoa gasped as he dropped Moana on top of Aukai.
"Why am I such a landing pad for you people?" Aukai groaned.
"What do you say, little buddy?" Maui asked Mini-Maui, who transformed into a bird as his answer. "Giant hawk? Coming up!
"Cheeeehoooo!" Maui whooped as he spun his fish hook around. His body was covered in a flash of blue light. But instead of a giant hawk, he transformed into a tiny fish.
"Cheeeehooo!" Maui whooped again as he tried again. He flashed into a shark, a lizard, a reindeer, a bug, and a pig before turning back to normal.
Moana and Aukai's eyes went wide. He was 1,000 years out of practice.
"Well, well, well," Tamatoa sang, getting over the initial shock he felt before. He then began to beat Maui up as he sang.
"Little Maui's having trouble with his look
"You little semi-demi-mini-god
"Ouch
"What a terrible performance
"Get the hook
"Get it?
"You don't swing it
"Like you used to, man!"
He then swung Maui into a wall using his hook. Maui's bun came undone as he glared up at Tamatoa.
"Yet I have to give you
"Credit for my start
"And your tattoos on the outside
"For just like you
"I made myself a work of art!"
Grabbing Maui's hook, Tamatoa threw the demigod into the ceiling.
"I'll never hide
"I can't
"I'm too shiny!"
Moana and Aukai tried running to help Maui. But Tamatoa had other plans. Picking them up, the crab placed them in a cage made of bones and made them watch helplessly as he continued to toy with Maui.
"Watch me dazzle
"Like a diamond on the rough
"Strut my stuff
"My stuff is so shiny
"Send your armies
"But they'll never be enough
"My shell's too tough
"Maui, man
"You can try, try, try
"But you can't expect a demigod
"To beat a decapod
"Look it up
"You will die, die, die
"Now it's time for me to take apart
"Your aching heart!"
After putting the hook back on his shell, Tamatoa hit the wall, causing a latch to cover the hole in the roof. The cave went dark. Immediately, Tamatoa began to glow purple and his gold gave off a blue glow.
"Far from the ones who abandoned you," Tamatoa continued to sing as he pointed out one of Maui's tattoos. A tattoo he hid under his hair. The tattoo showed a woman throwing a child into the sea. He picked Maui up by the hair as he continued to sing and beat him all at once.
"Chasing the love of these humans
"Who made you feel wanted!"
That did it. Moana and Aukai began to climb out of the cage since the crab was distracted.
"You tried to be tough
"But your armor's just not hard enough
"Maui
"Now it's time to kick your heinie!"
Maui's vision began to blur as he landed on the villain's shell. But he didn't give up trying to reach his hook.
"Ever seen someone so shiny
"Soak it in
"'Cause it's that last you'll ever see
"C'est la vie
"Mon ami
"I'm so shiny
"Now I eat you so prepare your final plea
"Just for me!"
After Tamatoa spun Maui off his shell, Aukai and Moana got out of their cage, landing in a patch of plants that gave off a green glow. They had the same idea.
"You'll never be quite as shiny
"You wish you were nice and shiny!"
Picking up poor Maui, Tamatoa tried to eat him, but was cut off by Moana shouting, "Hey!"
"Huh?" Tamatoa asked as he turned toward her and Aukai.
"I've got something shiny for ya!" Moana continued. Over her head, she held a rock glowing green.
"The heart of Te Fiti," the crab said after spitting Maui out. "You two can't run from me!"
"Watch us!" Aukai shouted as he and Moana began running.
"Oh, you can," Tamatoa said. "You both keep surprising me." He then began to chase them. Maui tried to hold him back, but his strength was nearly gone.
"There's only so far you can get on those two little legs, girly," Tamatoa growled at Moana.
She tried to continue running, but tripped, dropping the stone down a crack. Cackling, Tamatoa began digging.
"The power of creation... for a crustacean!" Tamatoa rhymed as he continued to dig.
Moana helped Maui to his feet as Aukai ran on top of the crab's shell. After pulling the fish hook free, he dragged it to Maui.
"Okay, time to go," he said as he handed Maui the hook.
"What about the heart?" Maui asked as his friends helped him walk toward the cave's exit.
"He can have it," Moana said as she opened her necklace. "I've got a better one."
The real heart of Te Fiti was safely inside.
Laughing like a crazed maniac, Tamatoa pulled out the "heart", unaware his prisoners had escaped.
"Yes, I have the..." he began but stopped to inspect it.
"Wait a minute. Ugh. I see, they've taken a barnacle and they've covered it in bioluminescent algae as a diversion."
Growling, he smashed the decoy into powder as he charged after the humans and demigod, shouting, "Come back here!"
Moana and Aukai smirked at the crab as they waited in front of a geyser. Just as Tamatoa was about to grab them, a blast of water shot in his face, throwing him on his back.
"Cheeeehoooo!" Moana and Aukai whooped as they were launched up into the ocean.
"Hey!" Tamatoa shouted up at his escaped prisoners. "Did you like the song?"