This one might be the longest chapter yet, but there are a lot of feelings and they need their space.
The tension wasn't crackling in the air as you sat with Natty, Poppy, Ominis, Sebastian and Professor Weasley in the latter's office, but it was certainly awkward.
Part of you wished you never left the Room of Requirement, but part of you wanted to talk it all out so all of you could enjoy the rest of your break with each other.
You had been able to tame the bird's nest on your head in the bathroom the Room had provided by taking a nice long bath and making sure your hair got some treatment of shampoo and conditioner.
The dark circles under your eyes and the paleness of your face weren't easily remedied, but it'd have to do. After brushing your teeth, you had walked out wearing the black stockings, black knee-length skirt and the soft yellow jumper Poppy had given to Professor Weasley for you.
You had slipped on the black shoes you had thrown beside the bed and let Professor Weasley lead you out of your hiding spot.
She had taken you all the way down to her office, not bothering to use a Floo Flame, but you found you quite liked the walk.
Your muscles were a bit stiff, but it didn't take long for them to loosen up going down all those stairs. It also gave you some time to figure out what you wanted to say.
Once in her office, she had procured some chairs and offered you to take a seat. After that she had gone out to summon your friends, who arrived within minutes, making you suspect that they had already been waiting close by.
And now you were all there. No one dared to speak first, but going by their expressions, everyone definitely had enough to say.
Professor Weasley cleared her throat.
"As you all know, I'm letting you use this space to talk things out between you all. From what I've heard, there are a lot of hurt feelings, concerns and thoughts on your mind." She looked over at you.
"You've had a hard time dealing with a lot on your own, but your friends are worried sick for you and from what they told me, they're frustrated how you refuse to let them help you and be there for you."
Your head hung in shame. It was not the full truth, you had let them help, but you did keep secrets from them and lately you hadn't been open and honest with them with your feelings even when they asked.
"I am purely here to mediate and step in if necessary." Professor Weasley continued, sitting herself behind her desk with her hands folded on top of it.
"You are all of age, but I still think considering everything that it's wise to have me here in case you might need some more guidance."
She looked pointedly at everyone in the room and then leaned back, an obvious sign she was done talking and someone else should begin.
A few seconds of silence followed until you felt like it was best to start with an apology.
"I assume you all know by now what I've been hiding from all of you." Part of you didn't want to raise your head, but if you truly wanted your friends to listen and accept your words, you should be mature enough to look them in the eyes for it.
So you raised your head and made sure to look all of them -with Ominis as much as you could- in the eyes for a couple of seconds. They all nodded at you.
You did your best to keep looking at them, your gaze going from one to the other, as you took a deep breath and started talking.
"I really am sorry that I kept this all from you." You were glad that your voice didn't shake. "I truly did not mean to hurt you or make you think I didn't trust you or I didn't want your help."
Sebastian shifted in his seat and so did Poppy, but they remained quiet which you were grateful for. Your nerves wouldn't allow you to continue if they interrupted now.
"I really love and care for all of you, including Garreth, Nerida and Anne of course." You felt the need to add that since they weren't here right now.
"And even though I didn't mean to, I did something stupid." Poppy let out a huff in agreement.
"I thought I could handle it by myself, but as it turns out, I cannot." The urge to look down at your hands instead of the faces of your friends was almost too much, but you needed to show them you were sincere.
"I've been alone for fifteen years." A slight tremble betrayed your feelings as you said those words and realized just how true that statement was. You never really thought of it that way, but it was the truth.
"Growing up in an orphanage, even though I got along with some of the children and Madam Price did her best to take care of us, I never really made any friends there. I didn't have a family and the kids didn't feel like my siblings. Just as Madam Price didn't really feel like a mother. It was more like we were all in the same boat and had to make do with what we got."
There were only a handful of children that were in that orphanage as long as you were, the others either getting adopted quickly or arriving fresh when you were already a teenager.
"When Professor Fig found me, I was hesitant at first and then overjoyed when I learned about the Wizarding World and Hogwarts." A sad smile formed on your face as you reminisced those times and feelings.
"I was so ready to go to Hogwarts, even though it was scary too, since I was late and I knew everyone most likely already had close friends, but I still hoped to fit in somewhere."
"But then the dragon attacked and me and Professor Fig were literally thrown into an adventure that I never really wanted. You all know what happened at that point so I'm not going to repeat it again."
You rather not think too much of Mr. Osric's death or the kind Goblin of Gringotts that Ranrok mercilessly got rid of.
"During that adventure, we found out that I had abilities no one else seemed to have and Ranrok knew this which immediately made me a target."
"Because I was thrusted into the whole Ancient Magic adventure before even arriving at Hogwarts, let alone before making friends, I felt like I had to do this by myself. Well, with help from Professor Fig."
Your late Professor had helped with research and making that Polyjuice potion after all.
"But the Keepers were always very adamant about me doing things alone. The trials, the seeking out of the Ancient Magic spots in the Highlands and preventing the Repositories from falling into the wrong hands."
That last one didn't work out the way they had hoped, but then again you only found out Ranrok was after them when you discovered the second drained Repository. He had been a step ahead for the longest time.
"Count in the fact that a lot of people asked me for favors and I always wanted to help. I think I just needed the validation that I did a good job. I quickly found that it was easy to do things on my own."
This time you did look down at your hands.
"I didn't have to worry about someone getting hurt because of me. It became worse after Professor Fig died. I felt like I failed him. That it was somehow my fault. It took a long time to realize it wasn't."
You looked up again and made sure to look them all in the eyes again, lingering just a second longer on Sebastian. You didn't dare to try and figure out any of the feelings that were displayed on their faces.
"I'm just terrified that any of you might get severely hurt or worse and It'd be my fault." You swallowed the lump down that had started to form in your throat. "It already happened a couple of times now."
"But Professor Weasley made me realize earlier that you all feel the same about me. That you are afraid I could get hurt or..."
You didn't say the word 'die' but it hung in the air like a dark cloud.
"So I am truly so sorry for not being honest with you. I want you all to know that I will do my very best to never do something foolish like training myself to the point of getting sick or shutting you out, ever again."
You took another deep breath. "I'm sorry for worrying you."
There.
You had said everything you wanted to say. Now all you could do was wait for their response.
"I'm glad Professor Weasley has made you realize that." Poppy spoke up. "It's really difficult when you see your friend struggling and all you want to do is help them in any way possible, yet they reject it whenever they can or throw it aside saying they have to do this alone."
You met her gaze and there was hurt in her eyes first and foremost, but you could also see some regret and sympathy.
"You're my best friend and it hurt me when you didn't want to accept my help. I told you once before in the common room that you can always talk to me when you need it. But you never do." There were tears forming in her eyes and you felt your own eyes sting.
"So when Sebastian told me what you've been hiding... I felt like you didn't value our friendship. Like you didn't take my words seriously."
You hadn't even stopped for a moment to think about that, but now that she'd said it, you understood why she would feel that way.
You'd imagine you would get frustrated too if you offer to listen to your friends problems multiple times only to find out they've gone behind your back doing it on their own, resulting in them struggling even more.
But you did value their friendship. A lot.
"I don't mean to say you need to tell us everything, but I want you to trust us and let us help you. That's what friends are for and I know you can do it, because you've done it before, so please keep doing it."
Poppy wiped a few fallen tears from her cheeks and your eyes filled with your own tears.
"I'm really sorry Poppy." You replied, your voice a little hoarse. "I never meant to make you feel like that. It's not that I don't value our friendship, it's that I value it so much that I get scared for your sakes."
"You should be scared for your own sake too." Sebastian said firmly and you met his gaze.
"You value us as your friends and care for us so much that you're scared of getting hurt, but do you value yourself? Your own life?"
That caught you off-guard and all you could do was blink owlishly.
He let out a sigh. "You rather have us not going with you because you're scared of us getting injured, but it doesn't seem like you're scared to get injured yourself."
"I've been fighting a lot on my own, while not all of you ever even experienced real combat." You couldn't help but argue.
"And some of you have been severely injured." You pointed out. "Poppy got tortured, Nerida and Garreth knocked unconscious and Alyssa Sweeting and Ominis were in St. Mungo's for a whole night."
"You got hurt too!" Sebastian yelled, leaving you sitting stunned.
Professor Weasley only cleared her throat and shot a look at Sebastian.
He sighed again and continued in a lower volume.
"You broke your arm in the last fight and only because you were slightly quicker than the spell that caused it. If not, who knows what would've happened? Angus was ready to cast the Killing Curse and if it weren't for MacMillan stopping him, he would've killed you."
He did have a point there.
"And that's not even counting the amount of times you got hurt on your 'solo adventures'. I've seen the amount of Wiggenweld potions you used to carry when you went out and how many of them were gone when you got back."
Poppy was lightly sobbing now and Ominis scooted his chair a bit closer so he could wrap an arm around her.
Natty was still sitting quietly, but her eyes were glistening with tears.
"I...I didn't...it's not- "
"You didn't think about it. For some reason you undervalue your own life when it comes to danger. You'd rather get hurt yourself than someone else and it's safe to say we all feel the same. But at least we do treat our own injuries seriously. We know when we should stop."
There was a truth there that you hadn't wanted to face for a long time, but Sebastian was making you face it now.
You loved your life, despite all the hardships and it's not like you wanted to die or anything. Your dream was to get a nice job that you enjoyed and live somewhere quietly. Preferably with the Slytherin who was looking at you right now.
But you had to admit that throwing yourself in dangerous situations and sticking your nose into things a student shouldn't, has become almost normal to you. Like an instinct.
You also just might be a little too nosy for your own good, but the biggest thing was that for a long time, there was no one who would miss you if you were gone.
There certainly was now though. Multiple people cared for you now and they made it clear they would mourn you if you were to one day disappear.
It was time to start taking their feelings into consideration when fighting. It was time to value your own life enough and make sure that you would come back to those you loved, who loved you in return.
A silence fell over the room and your tears started falling. Through the haziness of them, you were surprised to see Sebastian crying too.
"I don't want to lose you, but you're making it so hard to be by your side and letting us try and protect you." He said quietly, his voice cracking the way your heart was at the moment. "Please let us help you and protect you in whatever way we can."
You needed to take a moment before you were able to say something.
"I don't want to die." You heard the sharp intakes of breath's around you. "I don't want to get hurt either. I guess I was just so used to not having anyone that cared for me, that I never stopped to realize what it would do to any of you if something happened to me."
More tears spilled, but you didn't bother to wipe them.
"I can't believe it took me this long and this conversation to finally realize what I've been doing. To myself and to you." A small, sad chuckle escaped you. "I'm so stupid."
"You are not stupid." Professor Weasley spoke up. "And I'm sure your friends agree with me."
You looked at their faces. Natty and Poppy were bawling their eyes out, Sebastian was trying in vain to wipe his tears away and even Ominis' eyes were red and teary.
"I can't take this anymore!" Poppy suddenly exclaimed and leaped off her chair to throw herself at you, wrapping her arms tight around you, not caring about the awkward angle because you were still sitting down.
"I'm so sorry you felt that way for so long." She sniffled. "I should've realized it was different for you growing up as an orphan."
You wrapped your arms around your friend and buried your face in her shoulder. "It's okay Poppy. You couldn't know."
"It's not okay, but let's not argue about that. I'll make sure to remember everything you said here and I apologize again for slapping you. I just got scared and frustrated because you were spiralling and acted without thinking, but that's no excuse."
"Poppy, you were already forgiven for that. Honestly, if you hadn't slapped me at that point I would've probably spiraled into a panic attack so it's really okay."
She finally pulled back so she could search your eyes.
"Well...alright then." Poppy slowly relented.
"Alright Poppy, let me give her a hug too." Natty was gently pushing her aside so she could engulf you in her arms next.
"I'm sorry my friend, for all you've been through." She said softly. "I'll be by your side no matter what." She then stepped back after you returned her sentiments in a low voice.
Ominis was next. He gave you a quick hug and pulled back, standing in front of you.
"You're a good friend. Don't think you aren't. We were just worried and sometimes emotions lead us to do the stupidest things. Just remember when Sebastian called you ignorant." He gave you a smirk.
A perplexed chuckle escaped you.
"Even after he did that, you still worried for him right? Even though you were probably angry?"
"Oh, I was livid that time." You let him know. "But yeah, I still worried for him. He was my good friend after all."
"Exactly. And I am also sorry for what you've been through in life. I'm here for you if you ever need me."
"Thank you Ominis." You took his hand and gave it a squeeze before letting it go so he could make room for Sebastian.
How you longed to be in his embrace again, but you didn't dare initiate. It would only make things more awkward if he didn't return it.
Sebastian cleared his throat.
"I'm glad we were able to understand each other better and sort things out." His voice was strained, obviously holding back his emotions.
The tension between you was rising and you were sure everyone was feeling it. He didn't look mad at all. Instead there was a deep sadness in his eyes and it was clear he wanted to say more, but probably not in front of everybody.
As if she knew that too -which she probably did- Professor Weasley stood up.
"Why don't you two stay for a little longer here in my office? I'll be right outside in the classroom should you need me. As for the rest of you, it's a lovely day despite the chill so I advise you to go out and enjoy it.
You were grateful for her perceptiveness and took the time they needed to walk out of the office to wipe your face.
It was silent for a moment after Professor Weasley closed the door behind her.
You tried to search Sebastian's face, but he was looking down.
"Are you...still mad at me?" You asked softly. You wanted him to say something. Anything.
He shook his head.
"Not at all." He looked up and your gazes met. "I'm mad at myself. I just wish I had been around more, then maybe I could've seen the signs and prevented you from pushing yourself too hard. I'm mad that I never stopped to think that you were alone before we met. Truly alone."
"Sebastian, no." You told him firmly. "I don't blame you for not thinking about that and you're not responsible for my choices. I can't say I wouldn't have done it even if you were around more."
Sebastian looked at you pointedly and you realized why. You let out a sigh. "I know. I am also not responsible for the choices you or our friends make. My eyes are finally opened."
"Good. But I am sorry I got so mad at you." He hung his head. "I know more than anyone what hardships you have faced and also the kind of person you are, preferring to suffer in silence rather than 'burdening' us with your woes."
On instinct you almost wanted to object, but you kept quiet. You knew it was true.
Sebastian looked up again. "I'm sorry for my behaviour."
It felt strange how easy it was talking to him, despite the fight you had and the fact you weren't together anymore.
"Apology accepted. And I am sorry, very sorry, for keeping this all a secret and not reaching out when I needed help."
A tiny smile crept onto his face, making your heart beat even faster.
"Apology accepted. I really hope things will be better for us now that we're understanding each other better, because I truly don't want to break up."
Huh?
"But, you already broke up with me." You pointed out in confusion.
Sebastian tilted his head. "No, I didn't? I said we should take a break."
"That's not the same as breaking up?" You were flabbergasted. He didn't break up with you? So he still wanted to be with you?
He shook his head. "No. There are some trust issues between us and with everything going on, I thought it was best to take a little break so we can focus on ourselves and hopefully rebuild that trust again. Because I was serious when I said there can't be a relationship without trust, but I believe we can still work it out so a break seemed the best option."
You couldn't help it, but you started crying again.
Relief washed over you like a tidal wave. So that was what he meant. He still loved you enough to be with you. It was still fixable.
Sebastian looked surprised which turned into shock as it finally clicked for him.
"Oh Merlin!" He uttered before he pulled you into his embrace, putting his chin on top of your head as his arms wrapped around your waist. Your own went around his waist and you held on to his sweater tightly.
"Is that why you didn't leave the Room for so long? You thought I broke up with you?"
You couldn't get a word out past your sobbing so you just nodded your head, which he could feel.
"I'm so sorry." Sebastian muttered as he pulled you closer and moved so now his cheek was resting on your head.
"I love you too much to not want to try and fix things." His words made your heart swell, but you couldn't stop crying.
It took a while before your tears finally stopped and during that time Sebastian kept you close to him, muttering soft and sweet words of comfort into your hair.
When you eventually pulled back enough to look at him, his eyes were searching your face and your heart skipped a beat when there was only love and tenderness in them.
He wiped the last of your tears away with his thumb and tucked your hair behind your ear.
"Are you feeling a little better now?"
You nodded.
Then you stepped out of the embrace.
"So what exactly does this break mean?" You asked him. He was right that there was too much going on and it would be good to focus more on yourself and your studies besides everything else, but you didn't know what it would mean for the two of you exactly.
Sebastian looked thoughtful for a moment and then explained.
"What I mean is that we won't meet up with each other or go on dates for the time being. We won't be avoiding each other or anything, but we also won't seek each other out unless it might be necessary."
That sounded reasonable. You would prefer to be with him of course, but even you had to admit that you were getting quite overwhelmed and didn't have the energy left to be all cuddly with Sebastian. Sometimes you even found it nice to be alone or just with one of your friends for a long period of time.
You started to understand more and more why he had suggested a break. You didn't think you'd ever want to be with anyone other than Sebastian, but it was clear that due to all the stress of studying, MacMillan and the worries about the future, at this moment you rather just focus on that and not also add dates on top of that or trying to find time to spend together.
"What about kissing or hugging?" You asked. "Not like making out or something, but if I wanted to give you a quick kiss, would that be okay?" Merlin you sounded like such a rookie. But that's because you were. This was your first relationship after all.
Sebastian looked at you fondly, then leaned forward to place his lips on yours, giving you a chaste kiss.
"Definitely." He said. "When things have calmed down a bit, or one of us is ready to talk things through, then we should sit down and discuss what to do next."
You hummed in thought. "So you're not ready yet to tell me what you've been doing?" It stung a little bit, you couldn't deny it, that Sebastian was so adamant about keeping a secret from you. Then again, you did too and just because yours was out now, didn't mean he would just tell you his.
He shook his head. "I'm sorry, love. But I need a bit more time before I want to talk to you about that. I'm well aware that it's not helping our trust issues, but I really need you to believe me that I am not cheating in any way, shape or form."
You looked down at your feet. "I'm really sorry for accusing you of that. I know you would never cheat, but I was hurt and wanted to hurt you too in that moment. I was petty."
Sebastian put two fingers under your chin and lifted your head so he could look you in the eyes. "I'm glad you know that. I would really never do something like that. But I understand how it might've looked. Once I'm ready to tell you, I'll let you know, but please trust me."
You wanted to desperately. But the problem was that you could not even begin to guess what it was that he was hiding. You hated how that stopped you from trusting him completely.
Sebastian's eyes softened. "I can see you have a hard time with that. And I guess if the roles were reversed I might too, so I can't really blame you. But that does add to the reasons on why a break might be best for now."
You sighed and took his hand from your chin and lifted it up so you could place a kiss on his knuckles, before letting go.
"I'm sorry. You're right. A break might be best." You admitted, taking a step back and swaying on your feet.
"Easy there." Sebastian was quick to catch you by your wrist and steady you.
As if on cue, your stomach growled loudly.
Sebastian chuckled. "When was the last time you ate?"
"I... don't really remember." You told him feeling sheepish.
His smile dropped and his brow furrowed. "You did eat something these last days right?"
You wordlessly shook your head. "There wasn't food in the Room and I didn't dare leave it to find some."
It looked like Sebastian had a lot to say about that, but he closed his eyes and took a deep breath before opening them again and tightening his grip on your wrist.
"You're coming to the kitchens with me right now. Dinner is hours away and I won't let you starve yourself any longer."
You didn't object when he began dragging you out of the office.
Even though it was all still a bit of a mess, you were just happy that your friends forgave you and whatever complicated feelings were left between you and Sebastian, you'd both work on it.
If you could help it, this break wouldn't last long.