17. i n t e n t i o n s
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What was I doing here?
I hadn't moved since the slamming door shook the house into deafening silence. It was a quiet so loud that I couldn't even imagine what noise sounded like anymore.
I didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't even know where to go.
I was stuck.
Maybe I was hoping he'd walk back through the doors and shut it softly this time, and kiss me until I became delirious off of the taste of his sorries.
Maybe I was waiting for the moment when I could do the same; shut the door and never look back.
Or maybe I was simply paralyzed by the realization that I had feelings for someone that could do so much better in life without me in it.
It takes awhile for me to finally break out of my trance, but the sound of Gael's engine roaring to life strikes air back into my lungs, and the feeling in my feet come back.
The sound of his car driving further and further away solidifies that he's not coming back, and it clicks then that I shouldn't either.
As I glare after the door, I grab at Gael's shirt and pull it up and over my head.
I let it fall to the floor in a soft heap of memories I no longer wanted to remember, then I'm walking over to the bathroom to wash off the feel of unwanted caresses and kisses from my skin.
I turn the water up until steam fills the bathroom and the hot water turns my skin red as each furious drip rains down on my skin.
It burns, but it feels better than the thoughts I was having.
It hurts, but maybe that's what I deserved...
I quickly wash off my body, face, and hair trying to rinse off every part that has ever been touched by Gael.
I don't know how much time passes before I feel clean enough to stop scrubbing my skin, but eventually the water starts sizzling uncomfortably and I finally make the decision to stop.
I step out and dry myself with the nearest towel as a chill quickly enters my bones.
I hadn't brought much with me to Gael's house but the clothes on my back and myself, but I wasn't yet ready to go home.
I wasn't ready to face the scrutiny of my parent's judgmental eyes, and I'm sure they weren't ready to see their disappointment of a daughter. I'll do us both a favor and continue avoiding them.
I race back into the living room, instantly heading for the couch to search for my phone that I hadn't seen since I first arrived in Gael's house.
It takes a second of blindly grabbing under the cushions, but I eventually find it and power it on.
I expect to see missed calls from Val, but there's radio silence on her end. I try to fight off the rising feeling of annoyance at the lack of calls, but truth is, I hadn't called to see how she was either.
I momentarily swallow down the impending feeling of another breakup, and instead search through my contacts for a name I haven't seen in months.
Theo.
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"Thank you so much, Theo. You're always the best." I say as I pull down his passenger mirror and give myself another once-over.
I blindly dig my hand into the purse Theo had let me borrow for tonight and search around for the unfamiliar feel of the tube of lipstick.
"You know I'm always there for you. It's the least I can do," he responds, diverting his eyes away from the road to give me a quick wink and smile. "What man was it this time, though? I've never picked you up from that neighborhood... I heard that's where all the families— wait, are you fucking a married man, Chandler?" He nearly screams as he stops at a red light and snaps his sharp glare back towards me.
A light chuckle passes through my mouth as I slowly fill the crimson color over my entire lips.
"Technically, I haven't fucked anybody recently, so no need to worry. That man can barely take care of himself, so I highly doubt he has a kid or even a wife," I say with an eye roll.
I refuse to give Theo the satisfaction of glaring back at him, so I continue to focus on the image of myself in the mirror. I close the red lipstick, and swipe my finger around the edges to clean it up.
"The light is green," I snap, still feeling his curious gaze locked onto the side of my face.
I quickly stuff the small container back into the purse and flip the mirror up as I finally sit back and enjoy the ride.
"I hope we're not going to Red Rovers..."
He playfully slams his fist against the steering wheel and shoots me another glare. "You know I love that place..." he snaps, "...but I have something else planned for tonight."
I roll my eyes, while Theo chuckles as if he's some sort of comedian.
I ignore his antics, and instead reach out to turn up the music to fill the car and my head with.
A sad smile lifts onto my face as I begin twiddling with the the loose fabric of my shirt. I want to tell Theo everything because realistically he feels like the only family that I have.
We grew up together, alongside my brother, but Theo was the only one still standing in my corner. Although he started out as just a family friend, he ended as the only brother I had left.
He was always so busy, but whenever I called him needing help with anything, he was there no matter what.
He dropped everything to be here tonight, and I felt horrible even giving him a call, but I didn't know if I could be alone tonight. It was selfish, and unfortunately I wasn't inebriated enough to not care, so I felt every ounce of guilt.
"I wanna get fucked up tonight," I whisper, feeling the weight of reality pushing against my chest.
I feel immobile. I feel useless against the growing pressure. I feel worthless.
My mind drifts to what Gael was doing... or who he was doing?
Was he thinking about me the same way I was thinking of him? Did he regret anything besides meeting me?
"Hey," a warm hand grasps onto my thigh, and sends those spiraling thoughts out of my head. "I just want you to have fun," I wordlessly nod my head as I focus on the feel of his hand on my skin and the sound of music playing in the background.
I use it to steady my breath and heartbeat, until eventually I'm feeling level-headed again.
"We're almost there." I nod my head again as I give Theo's hand a squeeze as he lets it rest on my bare leg for the remainder of the drive.
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Captain Garvin's is beyond packed tonight, but I don't question it as Theo grabs my hand and tugs me into the crowded bar.
I wordlessly follow behind him, not casting a singular glance in any other direction but frontwards.
I feel eyes on me.
They burn my back and exposed thighs and I don't know whether to feel flattered or ashamed.
I know it should be the latter, but tonight I want to embrace all that I am. I let the stares seep into my skin and feed my confidence as I walk the rest of the way into the bar.
I don't ask Theo any questions; I trust him enough to blindly follow him.
And besides, I'd done enough thinking today and I was over it. I just wanted to have mindless fun, and I knew he would make sure of that.
"What do you want to drink?" Theo yells over the blasting music as he finally stops in a spot deep into the building.
I grab onto his shoulders and pull him down closer to my lips to better hear my response. "I'll get whatever you get!" I scream back.
Theo gives me a quick nod, then kisses my cheek, "Ok, I'll be right back with something to get us fucked up!"
I nod, then watch as he walks away from me and back towards the front where the stocked bar is.
I start to feel a wave of nerves wash over my body, but I quickly shake it away and instead let the music rest inside my bones and move me into a gradual sway.
I close my eyes, not wanting to see anything but darkness as I feel myself start to relax along with the heavy beat of the song.
I sense eyes on me again, but this time I embrace it and use it as my fuel to move, to dance... to enjoy this moment.
It lasts for a few lingering minutes, although it feels like hours in my head, before a warm touch grazes my arm to gain my attention.
"Tequila with lime," he announces as he hands me my cup with the salted rim adorned with a sliver of a juicy lime.
"Thank you," I breathe, hating how my heart begins to beat in excitement for the small drink.
"We just got here and some guy is already staring at me like I stepped on his toes or danced with his girlfriend or something," Theo explains before chugging down his shot, then chasing it with the lime slice.
I do the same, then give him a concerned look as his words register in my head. "What'd he look like?" I say, hoping he wouldn't say blond hair and blue eyes.
He shrugs his shoulder as he drops the now dried lime into his empty glass. "I don't know... dark hair, tall, light stubble. But he's not important tonight," Theo reassures me, taking my empty glass and placing it alongside his.
Despite his words, I feel my chest drop and beat all at the same time.
Gael's here.
Of all places he could run off to, I'd never think he would come to Captain Garvin's.
He made it seem like he hated this place, but he was probably here looking down one of the server's shirts. Or maybe he was here trying to scout someone to fuck him tonight, since I wouldn't be doing so. Ever.
My cheeks start to warm as I feel the alcohol coat my stomach in liquid heat.
The liquid fervor slowly starts to loosen up my body, and before long, Gael starts to drift away from my mind but the anger still lingers.
"I'm going to get another drink," I yell over the blasting music.
"I'll go grab it for us! Just sit here and look pretty," Theo responds back, giving me his bright smile as he quickly walks away back towards the bar.
I wait a few seconds before following after him into the main room. I want to say that my eyes don't search around the area for the face that had taken ahold of my mind, but I can't stop myself in looking.
I see Theo near the bar talking to one of the ladies there making drinks, then my eyes naturally shift over to where a man sits and watches him.
I instantly know who it is, and I instantly hate how my heart reacts to the sight of him.
He'd left me this morning shaking in ecstasy and in loneliness all in less than a hour, but I still wanted to give him a piece of my mind despite me saying I wanted nothing to do with him.
I walk towards Theo, clinging onto his shoulder once I reach him as I try to ignore Gael's heated stare now burning into my exposed flesh.
"I want two shots this time," I whisper into his ear.
"Can you make that two shots, please." He echos aloud, while the bartender nods her head and starts setting up the four glasses for us.
"Why'd you come up here? You missed me or something," he jokes, turning away from the bar and back towards me.
"I was just lonely," I shrug, clinging onto him even harder as I hear a scoff from somewhere near me.
Theo gives me a playful smile, while mine rises wickedly.
He wraps an arm around my shoulder and draws me into his warm side. "You feeling a little better yet?" He asks, letting the playfulness wash away as the concern and worry darkens his irises.
"Stop worrying! I'm just happy to be here with you," Theo squeezes me into a hug, and for a second, I forget about Gael and just let the embrace wrap around me like a cloak of protection.
The feeling doesn't last long before we're getting interrupted by the sound of the bartender's voice announcing the readiness of our drinks.
My eyes spring open as Theo untangles himself from me and reaches down for one of the shot glasses.
He tips his chin down to the counter, wordlessly telling me to grab one for myself. I roll my eyes with a shake of my head as I reach for the small shot.
My eyes raise as Theo holds his glass in the air. "Cheers to us being hot, rich and having a good night!"
I let out a giggle as I clink my cup against his, then instantly throw it back with a slight wince as the strong alcohol slides down my throat with a hot slither.
Theo face scrunches up into a grimace, while I'm grabbing for my second shot without a thought of hesitation.
"I forgot how much you can drink," he announces through a shiver, still reeling back from the horrid taste of his first shot.
My eyes drift down to the lingering cup on the table. "You gonna drink that?" I ask, licking my lips in anticipation.
"Go for it!" He shrugs.
I place a quick peck to Theo's cheek before picking up the glass and chugging down my fourth drink of the night.
It doesn't take long for it to start swarming my body with increasing numbness and the hot promise of a memorable night that I'll probably end up forgetting.
"I wanna dance!" I yell into Theo's ear, but I'm walking off before he can think to join or stop me.
I push my way through the crowd, not caring to stop my mission for useless 'sorries' and 'excuse me's.
Luckily, not many people were dancing so it was much easier to get through than expected.
When I find myself nestled into a clear spot where there weren't many onlookers or other dancers around me, I finally ease and allow myself to sway to the music.
I didn't dance much. I normally despised it when people asked me to join in and grabbed my hand or hips as an obvious ploy to get me to move along with them.
I was always in my head too much. I was always questioning what I looked like, if I was doing the moves right or if I just looked plain stupid and uncoordinated.
In turn, I just gave up on ever trying to do it in public.
I feel the heat start to rise to my cheeks as I catch the beat in my hips and slowly move along with the rhythm.
My eyes are tightly shut closed and I'm focusing all my attention on the song, the lyrics, and the sound of the woman's voice.
It feels awkward for a few short seconds, but soon, I'm so entranced by the electric feel of the music, with the help of the shots, that I don't put any thought into how my body moves.
I let myself sway and twirl in whatever way feels right, until eventually I'm floating so high that it feels like a spike of a euphoric drug hit my veins.
I feel one of my hands start to raise above my head, while the other slides down my body following my every move.
For once I feel liberated, even though I'm being controlled by the strong liquor and the sound of the music.
This freedom is loose and unconstrained.
She's young and wild. It's without stress and worry, and I feel like I could live in this moment forever.
I feel like myself again. The parts of myself that hadn't come out into the world in years, and I can't fight the smile that widens on my face.
I just move. I don't care where Theo is, what Gael is thinking, or if my parents really love me.
I let myself bask in the feather-like air of liberation, and it feels amazing.
"So it takes four shots for me to get you dancing?" Theo's warm breath fans across my neck as he wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me into his front.
"No..." I breathe "...just for tonight," I correct, but the airy chuckle in my ear tells me that he knows I'm lying.
I ignore his laugh and reach for his hands and place them firmly on my waist. He hums in acknowledgment, before quickly letting his body move rhythmically against mine as the tempo of the song slows down.
"I forgot to say how beautiful you look tonight, Chan," he whispers into my ear and I can't ward off the shiver that zips through my spine in response.
"Say it again..."
I feel my heavy eyes grow low as Theo grabs my neck and lulls my head towards him, so that my ear is directly under his mouth.
"You look fucking stunning, Chandler," he emphasizes his direct words with a chaste bite on the lobe of my ear, and again I shiver, but for a whole different reason.
My movements against Theo grow more erratic and in need of friction as his warm hands roam around my body in a desire-filled exploration.
Me and Theo had never slept together in all the years I've known him. We had kissed a number of times, but he would always stop my advancements before they could lead to anything else.
I knew he wanted me, though. I could tell from the hardness starting to press against my back as I danced against him.
"Are you going to take me to your place tonight...?" And although it seemed like an innocent question, Theo knew what it really meant.
I had never been to his apartment for the simple fact that he didn't want to get tempted, and so he always drove me back to my house at the end of the night.
The way his breath picked up in my ear and his hands tightened around me... I knew the answer to the question without a response.
"I'm ready to go now..." I urge, pushing myself further into his front.
"Fuck— let's go, baby!" He presses a kiss to my forehead before taking ahold of my hand and dragging me through the bar as if his life depended on it.
The entrance was in sight and my heart started to race as the prospect of what was to come was beginning to become more and more real.
We had just started passing the bar when I felt my arm being ripped free of Theo's grip, and instead into the burly arms of someone else.
He crushes me in his embrace as his rough voice slips out in a rasp. "Where the fuck do you think you're going?"
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Update: never date an older man irl! Keep the age-gaps in books or else... (but at least now I have good source material to put into this book)
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I hoped you enjoyed this chapter (after the longest wait), and thank you so much for almost 3k reads!!!
I will probably come back and edit this chapter to make it better, but I just wanted to finally get something out for you guys that keep up with this story.
I've been so busy for the last few months, but this book is always on my mind!!! I still have so many ideas for this story, so hopefully I can get it all
out by the end of this year!!
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