Lana doesn't care about other people.
It's not that she's a self-centered bitch-maybe a little-but she's got too much shit going on in her own life to deal with anyone else's. Depression, anxiety, mommy issues and the list goes on and on. There are loud voices in her mind that keep her isolated from the rest of the world most of the time. At least that's how it was until you came into the picture.
The only person who keeps her grounded, respects her boundaries and understands her weirdness, that's you. You were hired as her assistant five months ago and, until this very moment, she was convinced that worrying about you is not her job or responsibility.
But it's getting hard not to.
Especially when you're sobbing on her shoulder. She didn't expect a simple hug would end in this delicate, awkward situation-awkward because Lana has no fucking clue what's going on, what to do, let alone what to say.
Hug you? Sounds good but she doesn't.
Ask you if you're okay? That would be a terrible idea.
Luckily you don't give her time to do either, as you suddenly pull away on your own. Eyes wide open in shock, as if you've just realized your big mistake. Because she's your boss, your boss. You can't have a fucking breakdown right now, not in front of her!
"I'm... I'm sorry...."
Your voice cracks and you're unable to hold eye contact from how painfully embarrassed you are.
Lana frowns, a flash of worry shining across her face. For someone who's so badass and tough 24/7, this vulnerable side of you has your boss wanting to know the motive behind it with such desperation. Because only that way can she help you, or try to at least, and thus alleviate whatever it is that's bothering you, hurting you.
"What is it?" She softly asks, surprising herself.
"Nothing, it's nothing." The small smile that accompanies your reply is brittle, not convincing enough.
"You know I'm not buying that crap," Lana can't help herself, gently combing your hair behind your ear. The sight of your tears falling makes her want to kiss them away. She decides she's going to worry about that crazy thought later. "C'mon, it's me."
You feel relief the moment she retracts her hand because you were about to lean into her touch. You use your own to wipe away your tears.
"Exactly. You're going to fire me."
Lana can barely hold in her giggle. "I won't," from the look you give her, the amusement fades a little. "I won't," she reassures you. "You can trust me."
Her honey-like voice and the honesty her eyes hold is overwhelming, you duck your gaze. Your fingertips trace the butterfly-shaped pendant on the chain Lana has just given you. When she asked you to meet her in the living room, you were one hundred percent convinced that she would show you the way to the door, never to return.
You're so, so glad you were wrong.
But you never expected this gesture, either. Like, you thought you were invisible to Lana all this time. That she told you, "I've got a little something for you.... To thank you for all that you do for me.... It's so silly but..." and all that cute rambling of hers in the face of nervous situations, is easily the highlight of your day. Of your year.
"It's been a long time since someone last had a gesture like yours. My last girlfriend, she would-"
Your abrupt silence only heightens Lana's interest even more. "She would...? What?"
Agh! You just can't stand it, that she's talking to you oh so softly. It makes you want to tell her all your secrets.
"You know, make me feel like I'm worthless," you look up barely. "And now, I kinda feel like I don't deserve the good things that happen to me. This job, this beautiful gift, you."
Oh hell no, you didn't just say that.
Warmth. Lana feels a special warmth enveloping her heart. She seriously thought she didn't have one until now. The way you're staring at her, with such adoration, like she's your whole universe, makes her smile nervously.
"Me? But I drive you crazy! Y'know, with my schedule, my calls, my smoothie and food orders- I mean, with my emotional instability in general!"
You half smile. "True but-"
"True?! The fuck..."
The inevitable happens. A chuckle from you sweetens Lana's ears, and she's sure it's one of the most beautiful sounds she's ever heard. She almost (almost) sighs, delighted by the way your whole face comes alive, especially your eyes. Gosh, she just loves to make you laugh.
".... but," you emphasize, ignoring her fake offense and continuing, "I love every second of it. Because I'm well paid for putting up with all that, of course."
"No, you're definitely not. You deserve a raise, actually," Lana acknowledges with a smile, looking down for just a second before back at you. "And I know I can be a bit of a bitch sometimes, but I never intended to make you feel bad or cause you any harm. I'm sorry if I ever did. I'd hate to make you feel the way your damn ex did. No one deserves that, especially not you."
"You never did. You are nothing like her."
The delicate necklace you're still holding quite protectively in your hands steals your attention again. At your first motion with the intention of putting it on, Lana gently touches your arm.
"Allow me."
You nod. The brush of her skin against yours as she takes the chain makes you blush, and just as you want to turn around to hide it like a total pro, Lana brings her hands around your neck. Of course, of course she's going to look you straight in the eye and scrutinize your soul during the whole process, because she enjoys making you suffer that fucking much.
The closeness is such, you can appreciate her glorious beauty from inches away, breathe in her expensive perfume and feel her breath almost mingling with yours. You want to kiss her so badly. Yes, kiss her. But this woman - God, this woman in front of you is so out of your league, which is understandable.
She's Lana Del Rey, after all.
"Done," she says, her hands again combing your hair behind your shoulders. "I really do wish a lot of happiness for you, honey. I hope you find it someday."
Honey? You're melting so bad.
"I- Uhm- I think I already have."
The whisper escapes your lips as your hand travels to your neck, fingers slightly tracing the shape of the golden butterfly, making sure it's really there.
"Don't let it go, then." Lana whispers back, her hand still in your hair. "You deserve that, happiness."
"Yeah, maybe..."
She sighs. "I know you don't believe me, but it's true. I really hope that one day you will not only see that but also how worth it you are."
You can only snort at her words.
"Lana, I'm not-"
"Yes, you are. I'm sorry that someone hurt you enough to make you believe otherwise."
Tears. New damn tears begin to blur your vision and you hate every second of it.
"Don't you want a coffee or somethin'?"
"No, not really," Lana smiles weakly as you roll your eyes. The first tears fall so easily. "Can I hug you?"
"No."
But she does it anyway.
And for someone who doesn't want to be hugged, you cling to her so tightly, as if you actually needed something-or someone-to hold on to so terribly bad. For the second time in less than twenty minutes, soon you're crying on your boss's shoulder again.
This time, however, she holds you, which heals your broken soul a little.
It takes you fewer minutes than before to break the embrace, embarrassed.
"God, I'm sorry, Lana. Again."
"Don't be sorry..." You flinch when her fingers softly wipe away some of your tears. "You're human, honey."
Your eyes close automatically. One more simple yet tender honey and you're going to die. Just like that.
Lana allows you to lean into her touch. Her thumb even traces delicate caresses on your cheek. She feels you relaxing, which makes her frown.
This is so.... Strangely peaceful. This moment, just you and her. She's just realizing that the voices inside her head have gone off and - oh, it's so quiet, so beautiful. The calm after the storm. Or like breathing underwater.
And there's nothing in her thoughts except you. Should scare the shit out of her-it pretty much does-but it makes her smile too.
Of course, Lana thinks, of course it had to be you of all people.
Her own happiness.
Nothing like them.
***
a/n: this is so bad ngl.