TITLE: Charades
AUTHOR:
GENRE: Teen Fiction
CHAPTERS I'VE READ: Two
PAYMENT FOR YOU:
• Follow me (if you so desire, not required).
• Tell me what you think in the comments.
• Choose any story of mine, reading half of what I've read for you, and leave comments. Note: This equates to one chapter for you.
This review details my opinion. At the end of the day, this is your story, and you know it better than anyone. My opinion is merely that, and it is subjective. I perceived it a certain way and you do not have to agree, since it mostly comes down to my preferences.
Plot
This plot starts out with a good pace in mind. It begins right after Ahira starts going to school again after skipping a good period of time. We get introduced to her normal way of life and then meet her romantic interest, Silas.
As a writer of teen fiction, I appreciated this pace because oftentimes, it's easy to get lost in the minutiae with this genre. So I liked that you were able to clearly state our main character, her arc, and her love interest. It's immediately clear. However, I think the plot is hindered by the speed at which it progresses. I can see the general places it wants to go, because when Ahira mentioning her father offhandedly to the Principal, it sets up the idea that her family is either not supportive or downright abusive, and we also see her putting on her makeup in the bathroom, suggesting both something about her character (she likes doing her makeup), and something about the story (she has to do her makeup in the bathroom, probably because of her home situation). These scenes, in my opinion, are good bones to the story that I believe you've built, and they should be focused on some more. A challenge with this particular genre is finding this balance between fleshing out a realistic idea and not needing to describe as one would likely do in fantasy, however, I think the scenes in your story need to be brought forward. What I mean by this is that the details are lost in the writing that doesn't describe specifically, losing our immersion, and I become more focused on the grammar and tense spellings than the story. I can see what the story is here, and I think using free correction software such as Grammarly would help you greatly. In terms of scene writing, I suggest you read some stories in your target genre and try to emulate those scenes in your style as practice. Using sensory details and being specific helps immerse a reader so that we can picture the scenes and follow along. Part of the reason I felt the plot moved quickly was because the scenes don't linger long enough for me to gather a solid picture, leading to the feeling that the story is progressing quicker than it should, before I've gotten a sense for where the scene takes place.
What I'm explaining here is to show us through descriptive language what the school looks like, what the outside world is like, and such details will help not only set the scene, but tell us about the characters and the world.
Characters
Since Ahira is the main character, I will say that just like in my plot section, I think it's great that there's an established arc here: a girl who has secrets keeps exposing other people's secrets as a sort of catharsis, or as a form of protection. Like the plot section, too, I would suggest bringing forward more details on Ahira to explain who she is, what she wants, and why she's like this. This last point is the most important one, yet is simultaneously the hardest to pin down, but it will benefit the story greatly once a reader knows this. I would suggest detailing more of Ahira's thoughts, as right now, the narration conveys the world through her eyes, but I don't feel as though her voice comes through with the words that narration uses. This is to say that a character who loves makeup might say the sky looks like the palette of colour from an eyeshadow they just bought, and a character that doesn't would look at that same sky differently. Right now, I do get a sense of some parts of her personality and I liked that she seems to be the kind of person who does whatever she wants, without care for what people think, but I would have liked to see a lot more.
World
Despite being teen fiction, the world can tell us a lot about a story. Every section I've mentioned previously goes hand in hand. They all combine to form the basis of an engaging story; we can use character to tell us about the world through those sky descriptions, and we can use plot to tell us about the world and the characters.
Right now, I'm not sure where this story takes place: setting and time-wise alike. Where are we (in what school)? What's the climate and weather (time of year)? What year is Ahira in? These are all questions that the story doesn't have to answer all at once, of course, but questions like these arose for me while reading, as some more clarity was needed. I would suggest you start by naming the school, what year Ahira is in, and have a general idea of the time of year. Establishing these early on through descriptions will help build a structure of where things are that grounds a reader and allows you to explore. For example: the coffee shop. That's a great detail and something that I could have found relatable to me, as my high school's closest coffee shop was always busy, to the point that as soon as students got their license, they would drive to get food during lunch hour and return every day with paper bags filled with food and drinks. Having Ahira go to the coffee shop allows us to experience the world along with her, so that we learn more about what it's like where she is, and we can relate to her more. Those extra details about students always going to the coffee shop and coming back with armfuls of bags are exactly what paints a scene in a better picture, and allows a reader like me to think, "oh, cool, I remember what that was like."
General Thoughts I Had While Reading
Chapter One:
I like your first line! It shows character (Ahira has been gone for a week from school—makes one think, is she rebellious? Has she done this before?) and establishes the school setting.
Ahira arrives at school and immediately gets asked to come to the principal's office. How do they know she's arrived? What if she were late? We know the Principal isn't happy with her, so I can guess she knows, but I'm left wondering what the connection here is. Perhaps something to clarify, or to dramatize by having a teacher spot her in the hallway and demand she leave for the principal's office right now, or else, (or similar) which would bridge that gap.
If Theo's secret was easy to pick up, had nobody else noticed? Or, was it simply that Ahira is the only one bold enough to point it out? I'd like to see her make that distinction, since I'm imagining this second scenario as I think it speaks more to Ahira's character, but I'm not actually sure.
By the end of the chapter, we have established that this main character has some growing to do, and I like that. It's a very clear setup of an arc.
Chapter Two:
I like the description of the guy she bumps into.
This chapter has multiple scene breaks, both quite short. Consider maybe a bridging sentence? It doesn't have to be very long, but it can close the gap between the coffee shop and Ahira's return to school. For example, Before going home is followed by I woke up early today after the scene break.
Here, I would say, before going home. I (didn't get much homework done, decided to go to bed early, etc. The next morning, I woke up early to make myself...)
Here, we've closed the gap between the scene break so that the chapter doesn't lose its steam, and without having to overtly detail everything Ahira does.
"My head snaps" and "I shake myself" are good phrases that I appreciated among the descriptions.
I think so far the plot is very clear. The first chapter we have an introduction to Ahira, and in the next we meet Silas. We're setting things up at a good pace. I would have liked the second half of this chapter to be a bit longer, however.
Some of the best parts of teen fiction are where the situations are like watching a sitcom (or a slice-of-life anime, if you're more like me). What I mean is that relatability and seeing the characters go through life is a fundamental part of young adult fiction. So while I think the goal is clear for the story, it should be balanced with more levity. I think we should get to see Ahira visit the coffee shop, or explore what she writes in her diary, which would make her more relatable and make readers understand her better. If I were to suggest something, it would be to extend these smaller scenes and keep the ending as it stands, so that the plot still kicks into high gear at the end of the chapter, but after a period of learning about Ahira and her world.
Other Thoughts for Your Consideration
These are suggestions for grammar/phrasing/other tidbits that I picked up on, not related to the story itself.
Chapter One:
This is more of a stylistic preference, but when writing out the POV at the beginning of the chapter, you don't need "POV"
The usual style to do this in traditional publishing is either to make the chapter title the POV (Chapter One: Ahira), or to write it out in italics before the chapter begins, leaving out the "POV." This just reads smoother, because the rest is implied. It remains true, however, that what you've written is more common on Wattpad and online stories, so that's why I say it's a preference.
Additionally, while I appreciate the pronunciation guide, it's something probably better off integrated into the story itself. For example, if another character meets Ahira for the first time, this gives you a great segue into explaining it in a natural way.
Also, I just want to note that because I usually skip introductions and other material when reviewing (typically with the aim of being objective), this means my reading experience starts out with an author's note explaining that the writing "gets better."
While I'm sure that this is true, it's not exactly enticing, and it brings up the question of why the writing hasn't been fixed. In my own works, especially those I've written years ago, the quality is definitely worse than my current works, but I would rather take a few hours to rewrite it than to make a disclaimer. This is an endeavour I would heavily suggest over a disclaimer, since it means you don't have to say anything about the quality getting better, and then you will wind up with a stronger opening because of it.
The tense seems to shift in the second paragraph. Isn't should be wasn't, and I don't see should be I didn't see, to remain consistent in past tense.
Dialogue tags:
Action beats (she smiled, I laughed) take periods while dialogue tags (I said, she replied) take a comma. For example, "Hello, Ahira." She smiles.
As well, dialogue does not require a capital after a question mask because it continues the sentence.
"Could you try to get him to contact the school, please?" she asks.
This is because dialogue describes the way the words are said, while action does not. Dialogue tags continue the sentence, and actions such as smiling and laughing begin new sentences, since they do not describe the manner in which words are spoken.
I would suggest starting the conversation off with the phrase "I'm sure it was quite difficult..." since the exchange of hellos, while more realistic, doesn't necessarily serve the plot.
The tense has switched to present at this point. Your first sentence and second paragraph are in past tense, leading me to believe that was the tense of the novel. I can see now that isn't the case, though despite the fact that the beginning paragraphs resume something that happened previously, I would suggest putting them in present tense so that it aligns with the rest.
When the dialogue between Ahira and the girls begins, it seems to start without establishing the other people around her. I think the paragraph about the girls watching her should come before she speaks to ask them if they have anything to say. That way we know there are girls watching her before her dialogue.
Dialogue tags should as "utter" and "blurt" seem to interrupt the flow of the story. Ideally, you should try to contain them to say, reply, or ask. These are considered unobtrusive to the reader's experience, as in we don't notice them as much.
The other way you could fix this is by eliminating the double-up of dialogue tag + descriptions. This is a really easy trap to fall victim to, and I admit I do it too. Very often, sentences such as, "I'll try. An email works better than a phone call though," I answer before closing the door behind me, can become, "I'll try. An email works better than a phone call though." I close the door behind me.
This is especially true in conversations between only two people, as once the first speaker is established, the second speaker is implied.
In the sentence I focus on their body language... I don't think you need this part. You establish in the next sentence how the action occurs when the three girls close themselves off, so this feels a bit like repetition that can be eliminated for a smoother flow of reading.
My suggestion here would be to simply write, The three of them close themselves off.
We don't need "I see" since that filters through our POV character, who we know already is observing the action happening.
I would suggest doing a quick comb-through in editing for comma usage. There are some times where using a comma would be beneficial, for example in the sentence, Yes, I know, I shouldn't have...
As well, there are some comma splices (places where two independent clauses should be separated by either a period or a semicolon, such as in the sentence, His phone number doesn't seem to work(.) Could you try to get him to contact the school(,) please?
Here, I've shown the changes I would make in brackets to make this sentence easier to read.
Chapter Two:
In the sentence, all the air in my lungs is pushed, I think you could write all the air in my lungs pushes out of me. Changing the verb from passive to active helps draw readers into the scene.
In the sentence any other bits and bobs, what do those items that fell from her phone look like? Is it her school ID that she keeps in there because she continually loses it? A photo of her and her best friend? Specificity immerses a reader, and I think this would be a good time for that.
You have some adverbs scattered throughout that I think would benefit from either more descriptive language, or they could be removed.
Examples:
He cockily replies - I don't think you need this one, as the dialogue stands on its own just fine.
His plump lips tightly press together - This one, I think the words press together could become something akin to His plump lips disappear into a thin line or something to that effect. The reason for this is because it's often better to clarify with descriptions than to use ly-words like tightly. It's the same reason that most writing advice will suggest you say she sprinted instead of she ran quickly, as the first example allows us to picture the scene better.
In the sentence allows me to rewind, unless this refers to Ahira connecting better to the past, I think this should be unwind.
The reason I say "unless" here is because I do think it's possible that she does use it to rewind to her past feelings, which I think is an interesting concept, though one the narration would have to explain a bit further so that we understand what she means.
Concluding Thoughts
This is a story with clear ideas, and with work, I think it could be very engaging. As it stands currently, the grammar and syntax issues hinder reading a fair amount. I would suggest clarifying the setting details and slowing the pacing just enough to allow readers to better engage with it. I would also suggest editing your story to correct the sentence structures and provide a better starting off point for readers, since right now, the note that the writing gets better is not exactly doing your story good service. I'm someone who really likes teen fiction as a genre, and as a writer of it myself, I think that the challenges of the story in its current state require more editing and reading of stories in your genre. With this, you will gain insight and ideas on how to pull readers into the scene. This work will benefit you immensely. Researching dialogue tags and other ideas I mentioned, such as comma usage, will help you as well, since I pointed out many suggestions, but I've almost certainly missed some and have not pointed out (and could not have, without line editing) every grammatical error. I do think this idea is interesting, and I think your main character has potential; simply focus on those, bring them forward, and polish to form those good bones which will make your story better.
I hope my thoughts are (somewhat) helpful to you.
Let me know what you think (: