Cold Open:
(Portshill Jr. High School, day, Mr. Stkrdknmibalz's classroom. Oral Report Day. Zach is at the front of the class with a picture of all the planets rising over the moon on the roll-up screen.)
Zach: Pluto is also the furthest planet from the sun, though scientists believe more planets lie beyond it. I hope you enjoyed my report on the Solar System. Thank you.
Mr. Stkrdknmibalz: Okay, very nice, Zachary. Thank you. Okay, students, looks like we only have time for one more speech today, so let's have, uh, Turner.
Turner: Thank you, Mr. Stkrdknmibalz. My speech is entitled "New-Jersian Teens: Young people with black hair and cherokee skin." We've all seen them - on the park, at the store, walking on the streets - they're perverted karma houdinis that creep us out and bust our balls. I'm talking of course about...new-jerseyites. Aww, sick, gross! New-Jerseyites are born with a disease which causes hispanic-like skin, black hair, and sometimes, freckles. Aw, nasty, yuck! This disease is called Cherokeetosis, and it occurs because New-Jerseyites have no souls.
Ollie: What...
Bernie: The...
Cleo: FUCK?!
Turner: Kids who have cherokeetosis can't be cured. Yikes, Zoinks, Barf! Because their skin is half-hispanic, they must avoid the moon. Just like vampires have to avoid the sun.
Almost all students: Aaaah.
Ollie: BOOOOOOOOOO! Boo, Turner! Boo, Turner Fledge, Boo!
Bernie: That's not true, racist! Me, Ivy and Zach have hispanic skin, and we don't have to avoid the moon!
Turner: I was getting to that, if you will let me. Some people have light-brown skin, but not black hair. These people are called "Day-and-Night-walkers."
Jiro/Kikaider: The fuck did you just say?!
Ollie: This is bullshit!
Turner: Mr. Stkrdknmibalz. I'm really having a difficult time with all these interruptions.
Mr. Stkrdknmibalz: Ollie, let Turner give his presentation.
Ollie: It's not a presentation, it's a hate speech! Nobody's creeped out by New Jersey!
Brody: Uh...I am.
Jo-Jo: But you're friends with Zach, so that make you a HYPOCRITE!
Bernie: Yeah, I agree! Don't listen to him, he's just trying to brainwash you!
Mr. Stkrdknmibalz: Bernie, if you wanna debate Turner, you can do so with your paper tomorrow!
Bernie: Fine, I WILL!
Turner: Fine! In the meantime, shut your Goddamn day-and-night-walker mouth!
Ollie: YOU SON OF A B-!
Bernie: Calm down, Ollie, calm, down!
Ollie: Thanks, Bern, I needed that.
Turner: Let's see, where was I? Oh yes! Like vampires, the Jersey gene is a curse, and unless we work to rid the earth of that curse, the New-Jersians could envelop our lives in darkness for all time. It is time that we all admit to ourselves that New Jersey is vile and disgusting. In conclusion, I will leave you with this: if you think that the Jersey problem is not a serious one, then you're not even better than New Jersey itself.
Part 1:
(Bell ringing)
Ollie: Stupid supremacist asshole! Don't you understand what ignorant prejudice like that can lead to? I have to disapprove Turner's hateful, racist, offensive, cruel, unacceptable rumors!
Cleo: Dude, what's the big deal?
Bernie: What's the big deal? WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?! DON'T YOU SEE TURNER IS BEING HATEFUL AS PER USHE?!
Stacy: Right this way! I'm sorry, but you can't eat in the cafeteria!
Freckled Girl: How come?
Jo-Jo: New Jerseyites eat in the hallway!
Pyper: Yeah, go on, beat it, bitch!
Bernie: There! You see?! This is what happens when Turner is allowed his right to free speech!
Ollie: I agree, Bernie, this is the LAST time he gets away with his actions and antics! I'm giving a speech tomorrow about people from Jersey.
(The Next Day...)
Ollie: And so, black hair, cherokee skin, and some freckles are all passed down genetically. A child's black hair is not determined by the lack of a soul, but by the melanins which control the pigment in all of our skins. Thank you.
Mr. Stkrdknmibalz: Okay, very nice, Ollie. A little dry and scientific for my taste, but there you go.
(the bell rings)
Mr. Stkrdknmibalz: All right, that's lunch, students. We'll pick up with Cleo's speech about masculine cheerleaders after recess.
Zach: That was a very cool informative speech, Ollie!
Ollie: Thanks, Zach.
Turner: Informative and cool if you want to die. Guys, don't forget. Bernie and Ivy are day-and-night-walkers. Day-and-night-walkers are half-hispanic themselves. Make no mistake: latinos are evil. Look, I'm just saying what everyone else already thinks: Latinos are creepy. And one night, when you're all sleepin' in your room, the latinos are gonna get you. They're gonna CATCH YOU ALL!
(Michael screams and tries to run, but Tyler stops him)
Tyler: Don't even listen to him, nor think about it, Mike.
Ollie: So this also happens, I didn't expect that...
Cleo: That's just wrong, dude. I wish Turner could see what it felt like to be from Jersey.
Ollie: Wait a minute...Cleo, you gave me a great idea! Can you guys meet me over at Turner's house tonight at around midnight? We're gonna teach that black bastard a lesson!
Bernie: Sure, but how?
Capt. Wowski: You'll soon find out...
(Turner's house, midnight. Turner's snoring. Ollie, Capt. Wowski, Bernie and Cleo pop up outside his window and open it. They climb in. Cleo motions Bernie to Turner's door, and Bernie walks over to close it. Capt. Wowski quickly goes to Turner's desk and takes out some makeup - skin bleach, hair color, henna kit - and some yellow latex gloves.)
Capt. Wowski: Okay, Ollie, knock him out.
(Ollie takes out a small club and beats Turner with it once. He looks at him with a pissed look in his eyes. His short temper got the best of him and starts beating him more. After five blows, the CW rushes over to stop him.)
Capt. Wowski: Oliver, Ollie, it's okay, he's out!
Bernie: All right, let's do it.
Part 2
(Turner's house, morning.)
Turner: (singing) Boob World, Boob World, it's a world for you, but it's actually true. Boob World, Boob World, it's a world for you, but it's... (SCREAM!) I HAVE LIP PIMPLES, WHICH IS ORAL HERPES, I'M ALSO A NEW-JERSEYITE!!! (SCREAM!) HELP ME, HELP MEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
(A hospital room. Dr. Katz gives Turner a check-up)
Dr. Katz: Well, all your vital signs are still normal. From your outward appearance, I would say you have the standard skin pigment deficiency.
Turner: You mean...
Dr. Katz: Yes, I'm afraid that you're is suffering from cherokeetosis.
Turner: But how could I become a new-jersian now?! I wasn't born like this!
Dr. Katz: Well, the black-haired gene is a recessive gene. It must've stayed dormant in your system until you hit adulthood.
Turner: So am I gonna stay like this forever?
Dr. Katz: I'm sorry, son, but you need to understand, there is no cure. You might want to just...commit suicide, not in a hint.
Turner: Is there anything I can do besides that?
Dr. Katz: All right, but... you're gonna have to take certain precautions now. It's very important that you stay away from the sun. The sun... is your worst enemy.
(The school bus stop, morning.)
Turner: Hey dudes, what's goin' on? (coughs, clears throat) How is everything with you guys?
Bernie: Wow, Turner. You look... different.
Turner: Yes, well, it's interesting you should point that out, Bernie. I went to therapy yesterday, and apparently I suffer from a small skin pigment deficiency.
Cleo: You mean, you're from Jersey?
Turner: Actually, cherokeetosis is the medical term.
Ollie: Is that a mouth mask you're using?
Turner: Yes, Ollie, I have oral herpes. Well, I'm glad we've gotten all that out of the way, and now we can just go on with our lives as normal.
Cleo: Wow, that's a little ironic, isn't it? I mean, all last week you were ripping on New Jersey and now you are one of them.
Turner: Huh. I don't really see the irony in that, Cleo.
(Brody begins to laugh)
Turner: That's fine, just get it out of the way...
Ollie: Dude, this is going awesome.
Cleo: Maybe he'll actually learn a lesson this time.
(Cut to the school cafeteria)
Turner: Hey Stacy, Jo-Jo. What's up, Pyper?
Stacy: What the fuck are you doing?
Turner: I'm grubbin'. What the fuck does it look like?
Pyper: You're not supposed to be in the cafeteria.
Turner: What?
Dahlia: Yeah, you know the rule. No Jersey in the cafeteria.
Turner: But...it's me, bitches.
Jo-Jo: Right, and you're from Jersey.
Bernie: Dude, check it out.
Turner: Fine, ladies. Okay, look, maybe I'm from Jersey, but I'm not like other New Jerseyites. I'm still me inside.
Stewart: Sorry, but if we let one New Jersian in here, then the others are gonna start coming.
Brody: Yeah, beat it, jackass.
Ollie: We did it guys. We finally taught Turner a lesson. I'll bet that now, Turner is gonna have a long hard think about how he treated Latino culture.
(Cut to the school library)
Turner: Guys, I wanna really thank everyone for showing up today. I've called you at this meeting because, I don't know about you, but I am fed up with being discriminated against! Just because we have Cherokee skin and black hair, we're thought of as somehow less important, and it's bullshit! Kids at school laugh at us and doctors call us "genetically inferior". The world needs to know that we are people with feelings, and our parents love us for who we are!
Zach: Yeah, but my dad says that each one of my freckles is a kiss from the devil!
Turner: Right, exactly! We can't let this go on any longer! We should be PROUD of who we are! Think about all the great people in history who were ginger. People like...Pauly D and Snooki! See? Jersey people go on to do amazing things in society! We need to let everyone in this school know that we are not inferior! That we are in fact beautiful, totally awesome, and super-smart. It's time for us to take back our pride!
All hispanic and cherokee students: Yeah!
(Cut to the back football field)
Turner and the Hispanic teens: Jersey Power! (several times)
Turner: We jersies are proud people, we're the noble descendants of great Americans like Pauly D and Snooki! We will not be discriminated against any longer, for we are a great race!
Turner and the Hispanic teens: Jersey Power! (several times)
Cleo: I don't believe it.
Bernie: Should we tell him the truth?
Ollie: Nah, let him make a complete ass out of himself for a little while longer.
Turner and the Hispanic teens: Better Jersey than no mercy!
(Cut to the Paris Ontario Airport Hilton)
Zach: Okay, welcome, everyone. It's so great to see such a wonderful turnout at the first All-Jersey Pride Conference! Now it is my honor to introduce the man who has brought self-respect to New Jersey, Turner Fledge!
Turner: Thanks, Zachary! Jersey Hippies, how are we all feelin'? Can I get a Jersey Power?
New Jerseyites: Jersey Power!
Turner: Oh yeah! That feels good, doesn't it? Feels good to be proud of who you are! Now I don't think I need to tell you there's a lot of hate out there. Hate for awesome people like us. And if there's one thing I've learned, is that the only way to fight hate, is with more hate! We are not the freaks of society, EVERYONE ELSE is! New Jersey hippies are the chosen people! The chosen race! And we must view the rest of the world as the lowlife, hateful non-cherokee rats that they are!
New Jerseyites: YEAH!!!
Turner: My fellow hippies! I envision a world in which there IS no hate! A world where everyone is ginger! And so, we must gather together every child who is NOT from Jersey, and exterminate them! Now go! Go out into the night and take no Jersey kids from their homes! We will eradicate them all with cages and tortures and a pit of lava to thrown them all in! Now I am not gonna live my life as a Goddamned minority! Are you with me?!
New Jerseyites: YEAH!
Part 3
Bernie: Dude, we're gonna go sneak into Turner's house and change him back into black!
Ollie: But Bern, I liked it when turner made an ass of himself, why do the good times have to end this fast?
Cleo: Because now he's acting like hippies are awesome. And all his friends are hippies from Jersey. When he wakes up tomorrow and realizes he isn't really a hippie, it'll be hysterical!
Capt. Wowski: Huh, yeah!
to be continued...