LAYTON
I never know what to do on this day. I don't know how to feel. I don't know how to act. I just don't know.
Am I supposed to feel sad?
Today is my mom's birthday. 28th of June.
She would've been 42 today.
My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was 25 years old. She did everything she could to treat it, but nothing worked, and she passed a few months later.
When she began getting sick, I didn't know how serious it was. I was only 4 years old. My four year old brain thought, "My mom will be better in a few days, and we can play again." But that didn't happen.
I wish I could hug my four year old self and explain what was actually happening.
I wish I could tell her that she isn't going to get better.
She's not going to be able to play with you as much as you want.
She's not going to be around much longer.
But I can't do that.
And I never will.
I feel guilty about that. And I don't even know why. There is no possible way for me to go back in time to speak to my younger self as myself. And I feel guilty about it. Even though I really shouldn't.
Of course, I miss my mom, but I don't remember her all that well. I was four. I don't think four year olds remember that much stuff.
Well, maybe that's just me. My ADHD causes me to not remember some stuff, so that could be the reason I don't remember her that much or the little things about her.
It also could be some sort of trauma that I have. Trauma about my mom passing when I was so young that I chose to block that memory out.
I have pictures of her and my dad that I have placed around my apartment, so I do see her every day. I'm just not in person as I would like. But that's okay. I get to see her beautiful smile on my wall. That alone makes me happy.
I think I just feel bad for my dad.
My parents were high school sweethearts. They have been together since they were 15. They got married shortly after they graduated and had me a few years after that. And then, a few more years after that, she sadly passed.
He was devastated. Of course. Who wouldn't be devastated about their significant other passing. I know I would be, and I haven't even really been in that serious of a relationship before.
He was in and out of his grief so much that my aunts, uncles, and other extended family would be at our house from time to time. It was never just my dad and I for the first year and a half. But I think that helped.
My dad could take care of me, and I'm not bashing him for being a bad father. I appreciate the fact that he knew he needed help and got it. I'm appreciating him for noticing he needed help and had some family come and help him out with me. I love him for that. I love my family for being there and not letting my dad deal with it all on his own.
In lighter news, I'm going to be spending my entire day with my family. We always spend the entire day together on her birthday and do everything that she loves to do. It's our way of remembering her.
We were at my dad and step-moms house.
As in me, Silas, his wife, Ellie, and their son Cade, Anne, Robin, and Gemma came over as well, which I really appreciate. Of course, my dad and my step-mom, Hattie, are here. It's their house, so it would be weird if everyone else was here and they weren't.
Hattie is honestly the best step-mom someone could ever ask for. She isn't my biological mom, but she acts just like she is. I know she isn't replacing my actual mom, but to me, she is my mom.
She's been in my dad's life for almost ten years now. They've been married for a little over 9 years at this point. I was 8 when they got married, and the lucky little girl I was when I was 8, I got to be their flower girl. Every little girl dreams of doing that. At least, that's what I think.
Along with getting a new mom at the age of 8, I also got a brother. Not just a brother, but my first and only sibling. When Hattie and Silas moved into the house with my dad and I, it felt like we were finally a family.
We were no longer a sad family waiting for the time when we could be happy at all times. We were finally that happy family we've dreamed of being for years. And we got that.
I'm happy about the fact that we got to have that happy family, but I do sometimes wonder what it would be like if we didn't or if nothing changed.
Would my mom and I be close?
Would my dad and I be as close as we are if my mom were still alive?
Would I have a sibling?
Would my parents still be together?
These are the things that I think about sometimes. It makes me sad to know that if my mom never got cancer, we could be this family that I imagine all of the time. Or if her cancer cured over time, we could still be that family in my mind. But I'll never know what that would've been like.
And that's okay.
It's okay because over the years, I got that family that I wanted. Hattie and Silas came along, and we became a family.
"How are you doing today, Lay?" My dad interrupted my thoughts. I didn't realize how long I had been sitting alone on the balcony for, but I'm guessing it'd have been a while if my dad came and found me.
"Why are you asking me?" I asked. "Shouldn't I be the one to ask you that question?"
"She was your mom, I want to know how you're feeling," he said. "I want to make sure you're doing okay as well,"
"I'm doing fine, dad, really," I sighed. "I feel guilty that I don't feel that sad. I want to feel sad, but I don't really remember her that much," I explain.
"That's okay, Lay," he sighed. "Your feelings are yours, and they're valid. You're allowed to feel how you're feeling. It's alright,"
"How are you feeling then, dad?"
"I'm hanging in there," he sighed, looking out into the backyard where everyone was at. "It's a hard day, but I can get through it. As long as I have my family around me to distract me a bit so I don't think about it too much, I'll be alright," he added. "But I also feel a little bit bad,"
"Why?" I asked. "You have nothing to feel bad about,"
"I feel bad that I got to live, and she didn't. She had 25 short years to live, and here I am still living. I feel like I don't deserve it," he explained a little to me. "But I also feel bad for you. Every child deserves a mother, and you don't have one,"
"I have a mother, dad. Hattie is my mother, whether she is blood or not. She may not have been here for my whole life, but she will be for the rest," I really didn't want my dad to think that I felt like I didn't have the mother daughter bond that he wants me to have. I have a Hattie in my life, and we share a very special bond. Whether she is my blood or not, she is my mom. "Every child also deserves a dad as well,"
"I hope I'm a good enough father for you. I worry about that sometimes,"
"You shouldn't worry about that ever, dad. You are the best father a girl could ask for," I smiled up at him.
"Should we get back down there so they don't think we're crying up here all alone?" My dad joked.
"I'm sure they wouldn't mind if we were," I laughed. "But, yeah, we probably should show our faces again,"
*
"Are you going to be alright tonight?' Gemma asked. "You don't need me to stay the night with you to talk about stuff?"
I had decided that I should go home almost half an hour ago, Gemma following behind me. I love how our relationship is. She protects me, and I protect her. It's been like this for years. But I feel bad sometimes.
I don't want her to feel like she has to babysit me on days like today. She shouldn't have to. In her own words, though, she likes to tell me, 'I know I don't have to, but you're my best friend. I like to know that you're okay even if that means I have to babysit you sometimes.'
She really is the best friend I could have ever asked for.
"I'm 21 years old, Gem. I'll be fine," I smiled. "But thank you, I appreciate it,"
"I just like to make sure that you're alright," she sighed. "You're alright, right?"
"I'm more than alright, Gemma, I promise you," I answered. "Would you like to know what I did yesterday?" I asked, trying to make our conversation lighter.
"What did you do?"
"I downloaded 2 dating apps," I laughed. "I wanted to see where I could get with them. Maybe I'll get a date in a few days so I can stop being lonely,"
"No!" she yelled a bit louder than she intended. "I wanted to set you up with someone before you went and did that,"
"I only set up my profiles, I haven't started looking yet," I laughed. It's like I'm going shopping for clothes or something. I find dating apps strange, but also funny in their own way.
"Don't look yet," she said. "I have someone perfect for you, I promise,"
"When is this date going to be then?" I sighed, finally giving in to her.
"You'll go on a date with him?" she asked, getting excited.
"Yes, I will," I nodded. "Set it up and let me know. My standards are very low, so I'll take anyone at this point,"
"Raise your standards. You don't want someone to walk all over you. You're an amazing woman, and you don't deserve to be treated like shit," she said. "I'll set up the date with him and let you know,"
"One question," I said. "How old is he?"
"He's a few months older than you," she answered.
"You better not let me down with this one, Gem," I said as we began walking toward our vehicles.
"I won't let you down. I've been saving the best for last," she grinned. "Get home safe, Layton,"
"I will," I said, getting into my car. "I'll text you once I've gotten myself ready for bed,"
*
I made it home in 15 minutes, got myself ready for bed, and I was now in bed. I've already texted Gemma so she wouldn't get worried about me. I would hate for her not to sleep because I forgot to text her that I made it home safe.
I'm not at the part of my night where I write in my journal. Usually, I like to do this to see what my brain gets me to write down, but today, I don't want to do it.
I don't want to do it, but I have to. I'll thank myself in a few years for doing this if I ever want to look back at it.
I don't want to be writing this today, but I'm forcing myself to.
Anyway, today is mom's 42nd birthday. Another year where she isn't here on earth to turn that age.
I wish I knew where she was. Is she in heaven? Is heaven even real?
I want to stop spiraling with all of these questions. Maybe that would stop me from going crazy.
I just wish I had that chance to grow up with my mom. I know that sounds awful because of Hattie, but I really want to know what it would've been like.
In lighter news, Gemma is planning that blind date for me. This will be the last and final blind date I go on that she sets up for me.
I'm hoping it will go well because I can't keep having failed relationships. They make me feel like something is wrong with me.
I'm keeping this short and sweet because I don't feel mentally well enough to keep writing about my sad feelings, so this is it.
-Layton Ervin
-28th June, 2016
-Age 21