***
they say that the world is built for two, only worth living if somebody is loving you, and baby,
now you do it's you, it's you, it's all for you everything i do, i tell you all the time heaven is a place on earth with you
***
Vada
//
Parking my car up the driveway, mind is in a fuzzy daze. I don't even remember the drive home.
The motel lot is empty, and grams car isn't even here. The world felt empty from all around and most of all from inside.
My house is the same, and I picture my hollow bedroom and the creaky floorboards of the kitchen. Then I realized I only wanted to be in one place right now.
Getting out of my car I make my way to Harry's room. The number four rattles with the door handle as I get it unlocked and the dark room is empty. I'm immediately embraced with the comfort and imprints of him everywhere even if he's not really here at all.
When I step all the way in, I make sure to lock the door behind me. As sweat crawls up my spine from the humid August air, I turn up the AC box on freezing and strip out of last night's dress heading towards the bathroom.
When I step into the shower I make myself get used to the cold temperature of the water. Then only when I'm all shivering and teeth chattering, I finally turn the faucet all the way to the left until my skin is burning bright red and I can barely breathe from the steam. I lather my skin in hair in the only soap options I find and when I step out I smell like trouble all in one.
As water drips from my hair I pull on a pair of Harry's clean boxer shorts up my legs and one of his old band shirts. The box to the air conditioner whistles and cranks in soothing tones as I decide to close all the curtains and shut out the burning light of the sun.
Wrapping myself in familiar sheets, I bury deep and dream of things I can't really remember. When I open my eyes again some time later, my surroundings are completely dark.
There's a hasty noise in the corner of the room, and I feel Harry's thick presence as he sets keys on the table and kicks off his shoes as carefully as possible. The bed sinks as he slides himself onto the mattress, his front meeting my back and his chin right over my shoulder.
"Vada, Vada, Vada—"
I immediately turn, embracing him with open arms and needing to get as close as possible to him.
"I didn't mean to wake you up," He murmurs, taking me back as he lets me wrap myself around him, needing his warmth like I'm some sort of addict for him.
"I'm glad you did," My voice is thick, and groggy as he curls his fingers through the strains of my damp hair. I feel his chest against mine and I'm so close that I hear the drums of our heartbeats.
"What time is it?" I then wondered.
"Almost nine, you missed our show. Juliet was wondering where you were." Harry hums into my neck.
"Not enough to actually come and find me though," I stated truthfully as I began to twist the lock of his curls between my fingertips.
"Yeah well, she's locked to Zayn's hip ever since they decided that they will be long distance in the fall," His words trail off and they make my mind jump to possibilities about the future. None which concern either of our best friends.
There's a few more moments of silence between our light touches and Harry kisses me for a long time before he speaks again.
"Wanna get out of here?" He asks confidently, like it's not a question at all.
And so we go.
***
Sunlight burns bright as we exit the business of the freeway towards Charleston. I've been a few times before but never on my own. But Harry always opens possibilities.
The first few times we drove out spontaneously on a whim, I felt a little lost. A little scared. My head started to spin about how we got here. I think about being high with him on the ferris wheel. I think about the first time I let him lead me out of town all the way to the nation's capital.
My choices with Harry have always been risky, but okay because I was with him. Even after everything I could trust him. And here I am, I thought as the same boy in the driver's seat switched lanes, I'm still following him, trusting him over my own judgment.
I'm miles away from home with my trouble-maker without a second thought. Sea-salt breeze blows through our hair, as a new Radiohead song plays on the radio. I begin to stretch and yawn as we sway through unfamiliar town roads. My body feels heavy and my feet are half asleep from sitting in the car for too long.
"How much longer?" I asked, and it isn't the first time in the last few hours.
Harry just smiled, shaking his head. Despite my impatience, he seems to have a lot of his own.
"I told you to tell me when you wanna stop somewhere," He reminds me.
"Everything has been nothing so far," I looked out the window at the passing of the little beach town.
A clear view of the oceanfront passed us by and rows of small buildings stacked up the narrow streets as crowds of people gathered upon the sidewalks and cars lined up and down the streets.
"All I know is I need some coffee. There's a decent cafe on 9th, we can figure out the rest there." Harry suggests before we parallel park up the same street.
Harry only looks at me with a knowing smile when I order chocolate chip waffles. I give him the same look when he orders bitter black coffee but I find him stealing some of my breakfast anyways.
"There's a lot of touristy places around Charleston. What do you wanna check out?" I wonder as I sip some coffee and read through the tourist pamphlet.
"I wanna see whatever you wanna see," Harry answered dismissively. I rolled my eyes at him.
"Come on be at least a little helpful, I suck at making these kinda plans," I sighed at his uninterested demeanor. "Pick something to do," I shove the paper his way.
"I've already decided what I wanna do, V." He doesn't even look at the list. "I want to go to the closest hotel, then tie you to the bed and do whatever I want to you until you're begging for me to stop." He shrugs behind a smirk, his tone calm but words meaningful.
My heart sinks anyway and my cheeks heat noticeably. "Harry—
"Pick an antique store to shop in or something, love, you can't handle my truth." He laughed.
So that's what we do, because poking the bear would take time and we didn't have a lot of it.
We spent the rest of the day in the small touristy beach town of Charleston, South Carolina. We go to quaint little shops that carry little souvenirs like magnets in the shape of surfboards and merchandise that brands the location. Harry buys a little guitar keychain and when we go into a jewelry store I'm fascinated with all the rings and necklaces.
Between making selections up the aisles of jewelry, trouble is patience in my indecisive presence and never lurks too far. After time though, he seems more distant and that particular patience he's had today starts to waver.
"Hey, I'll be right back," Harry suddenly kisses my shoulder in a parting manner, actions very rushed. But I'm not as distracted as he was probably hoping.
"Where are you going—"
"Trust me," He lets me pull him back. "It's a rule, 'kay?" And he's gone before I have the chance to reply.
I follow him. Of course I do.
The summer air is humid as I step outside the store. The mop of his brown curls aren't hard to find and I keep my distance behind him, heart pounding as he waves through the busy sidewalks and rounds a corner. Then in the midst of all the people and sights, I lose him in a crowd and curse at myself for getting distracted.
I circle around a few times, before deciding to hurry back to the store, afraid he will catch up that I'm not there.
But as I'm making my way, I turn and spot him across the street.
Harry stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, an unfamiliar man standing opposite of him. The two exchange a few words before the stranger hands something and he quickly pockets it. They shake hands and before trouble can turn my way, I'm ducking in the crowd again and hurrying my ass back to the same store from before.
The afternoon carries on, and the sun starts to set. Harry buys me a seashell necklace and acts like the envelope in his back pocket isn't obvious. I start to question why he brought me here in the first place. I don't know if I really wanna know his reasons.
When the sky is dark and we've already walked up and down the beach a few times, Harry insists we stay the night for no other reason than that he just doesn't feel like driving. I'm too focused on being tired, so I don't question it as we head to one of the closest hotels to call it a night.
We walk through a classic lobby, only equipped with a few people at this time of night, and I'm still oblivious as we walk straight past the front desk and into the elevator, climbing all the way to the third floor.
Our silence starts to become heavy as we step out into the long and narrow hallway and Harry leads the way six doors down. Stopping in front of the door, he digs into his back pocket to find a keycard in his wallet before pushing the door open.
But as soon as we step into the hotel room, and the lights switch on, my head starts to spin. What is expected is a clean, untouched and standard room.
But pieces of Harry cling to every corner and I think my eyes are deceiving me.
There's a familiar guitar case in the corner, packs of cigarettes on the desk and an unmade bed against the wall. Fragments of his clothing pile in the corner and when I take a deep breath in, trouble's scent lingers in the air underneath a well kept secret.
Before I have the chance to even move from the doorway, the phone rings from the desk and Harry pushes past me to answer it after closing the locking the door behind us. I glance at him but he speaks too softly into the receiver so I can't hear his words.
My eyes dance around the room a few more times, my mind spinning and my heart racing. I manage to get my feet to move further into the room, my eyes never leaving Harry's back as he continues his low-toned conversation.
With gutting curiosity, I walk straight to the mess of heavy navy blankets, stark white sheets, and messy pillows. Across the king sized mattress lays a familiar book that I borrowed him all the way in the beginning of summer. It leaves me to wonder how long this has been going on.
"Why did you bring me here?" I wonder, picking my head up and turning towards him.
With the phone still against his ear, and his back faced me. He doesn't answer. He doesn't even move.
My eyes stay on him, intending my all for his truth. Then I pick the hardcover copy of 'House of stairs' and throw it in his direction. It thuds loudly against the wall behind him before landing on the carpet below his feet. He barely flinches but it gets his attention.
I step closer. "Why did you bring me here?" I ask, louder than I mean or need to while searching his eyes for anything to make sense of.
Watching me with prying eyes, Harry licks his lips. "I'll call you later," he says into the phone, disconnecting the call. He steps forward slowly, and I steady my feet.
"What's wrong, V?" Harry leans against the desk behind him, shrugging down as he crosses his arms in a relaxed state.
"What the fuck is going on, Harry?" I questioned.
I watched him sigh out, running a hand through his outgrown hair and his usual smirk turn into a condescending grin.
"You want to have this fight right now, baby?" Cold takes over his expression and with every step he takes towards me I take one back.
"No, I don't wanna fight—"
"Of course you do, that's why you asked in the first place." Harry states, his voice steady and sharp. "You wanna have your little meltdown after I answer the truth to your questions I always tell you not to ask." He speaks, taking advantage of my silence.
"Why did I bring you here?" He repeats my question as he stands in front of me now. "Why did you come with me? Why do let me be the reason you throw everything good in your life away?"
I turn as fire burns in my throat and my lungs until it swallows me whole. "Why are we here?" I keep steady on why I started at him in the first place. "You're supposed to tell me what I wanna know, remember?"
"You're not supposed to ask any questions, remember?" He follows my tone, his eyes beating down on mine. "You're supposed to be smart, remember? You're not supposed to care, remember—?"
"Well I do care, you fucking asshole," I shove past him, looking around at his mess he's created. The room seems to be a little too familiar.
"Whenever I think there's nothing else that you could do or say, you pull shit like this. You can't just expect me to see past this anymore." Straightening my back I face him again, watching his eyes hollow back from where I recognize him the most.
Harry leans back against the desk behind him, folding his arms across his chest. "I would stay here from time to time when Payne would send me to his other locations for ring nights." He starts.
I just stare blankly at him. "Okay?"
"But I'm not a part of his ring nights anymore, so I'm getting the fuck out as soon as I can." Harry continued.
I stay staring at him in a state of confusion before he starts again. "We're here because I'm finally done with all of this shit," he starts. "I'm packing all of this up and never returning and I wanted you to be the one to help me do it."
I feel every shockwave in my body pressure the instant shudder to my heart. The state of shock washes over me completely and I don't seem to move.
"What?" Is all I can manage.
"I'm out, V." Harry states. "I'm finally fucking out."
Relief floods from all the way deep inside me as I carefully step forward. Small steps towards the boy in front of me who reaches out and embraces me in an instant. I hold both sides of his face, putting steady green eyes on display.
My chest caves in. Harry's eyes gloss over and the look of relieved exhaustion spreads across his expression. I swear I see his pulse writhe for every beat.
Leaning my forehead against his, I feel the breath come up from my lungs and as I release, Harry leans back in and kisses it away and we just sit there holding each other. Time stops and the world outside doesn't exist when we're together like this.
I hold onto him with everything I have, burying and clinging on. Steady breathing burns my skin as he holds back just as tightly. I feel the warmth in his grip and the meaning in his voice.
"I'm out, I'm finally fucking out, baby." He repeated, like he's trying to convince himself that this reality is real.
***