Steve always knew he wasn't smart.
It was a simple fact now, common sense. Everyone either thought it or said it straight to his face. Since he was little he was told he was dumb, in school, at home. Despite his wide eyed wonder for the world around him, He'd come home with the lowest marks on his report cards, with notes to "Do better". No one seemed to notice anything was wrong with him. They didn't notice him squinting at the paper as the words bounced around. They didn't seem to notice him asking more questions than the other kids. They just assumed he was born dumb.
It used to bother him for a while. He wanted to prove he was more than a pretty face and some muscles. Prove to his father he could take over the business when he was old enough. Prove he could become something and do amazing things just like they told every other kid. But after enough time he just got used to it. He made it a part of himself. It was easier to dumb himself down than to deal with the overwhelming feelings he felt on a daily basis. It was easier to pretend he didn't know that his friends were hurting people. Easier to pretend he had this perfect little life in his perfect little house with his perfect little parents.
It became his way to deal with things. His way to deal with how everyone treated him like trash. How his father drowned his problems in alcohol and took out his anger on Steve on the days he was actually home. How His mother stood by and watched it happen because she was too scared to do anything about it. How she followed his dad around like a dog to keep their marriage in tact. All he had to do was just pretend he didn't understand or care. It was easier to deal with being called stupid or dense than to actually think about what was happening to him.
Eventually his parents started leaving more, "soon as he could reach the stove" as he liked to say. As soon as they thought he was fit to not accidentally kill himself if left alone for too long, they were off to Vegas or wherever they went to for "business". It was manageable at first, every kid thinks it's amazing to be home alone. No parents to yell at you or boss you around, you could have the time of your life. But it really was just lonely, waking up to a quiet and empty home. (Could he even call it a home?)
After a while everything seemed to fade into the background. It was like he was detached from his body, watching from a TV screen inside his brain. He was on autopilot, day to day. As much as he regretted it now, he would sit back and let people tell him what to do. He didn't try hard to be much, and he barely skated by on Cs throughout his Freshman and Sophmore years. He sat back as his friends bullied and tormented the 'freaks' in their free time.
But then came Nancy.
It was like a splash of color in his monotone life. She showed him what is was like to live life to it's fullest, to feel. She made him feel the love he deserved all these years. She helped him with patient eyes, holding his hand when he struggled with the letters jumping around the page. She kissed him and hugged him and held him close like he was the most precious thing in the world. She opened up her heart to him and encouraged him to do the same.
And even when he couldn't, when he couldn't get the tears to fall out of his eyes, she stayed as patient as ever and still loved him all the same. She was the only person he told about his parents. The only one who stayed long enough to care. She would let him crash at her place, when the yellling got to be to much. Held him when he was scared. It was the most loved he had felt in his entire life, the most respected and seen. He even started trying harder in school, managing to get As and Bs for a while. He was present in those moments, actually, truly living his life.
And when the horrors of the upside down began to trickle into their world, she was there. Those were also times when steve felt, but it was always too much. It was jarring, and he couldn't go back into his comfort zone even if he wanted to. Jonathan wad also there, one of the people Steve watched his friends bully every now and then. At first he supposed it was because their brothers were friends, but suddenly it was more than that. He had taken pictures of them together, and then he was trying to get between him and Nancy. Trying to ruin their relationship. Billy Hargrove, the new kid from California came into his life as well, whether he was a blessing or a curse he couldn't tell.
And then Halloween of his senior year rolled around, and suddenly it was bullshit. He was bullshit, their love was bullshit, everything was bullshit. It was like he had been stabbed in the chest, like the rug had been torn out from under him. He felt stupid as ever, just like everyone had told him. He fell back into his old habit, shutting everyone out. He got into fights, broke into his parents alcohol cabinet, hooked up with anyone who was willing. His parents were no where to be seen, and his friends abandoned him for fighting against their usual tormenting like Nancy encouraged him to do.
He was all alone in this big house without anyone to comfort him. He began to turn to anyone who would give him a sliver of love. Of course thats how he found Billy Hargrove one night. He was too high to remember most of the details but he remembered leaving the Hargrove house feeling even dirtier than before. He spent at least an hour in the shower after that, just trying to feel human again. Billy promised to get better after that night, but by the time spring break rolled around, Steve felt like he was permanently broken and Billy had found another girl to prey on.
He didn't go to his graduation, it's not like his parents bothered being in town anyways. One of his father's secretaries sent him a cupcake on the day, which ended up at the bottom of his trashcan by the end of the week. He spent the weekend sulking in his room, blasting music and rewinding the same tape of Dirty Dancing at least ten times. There were empty bottles in every corner of the room, dirty clothes strewn all around. If his mother were home she'd have a heart attack and a half at the sight of his room. She'd probably throw him out of the house for a night, threaten him to kick him out for good. And he'd come back the next day or however long it took until he "learnt his lesson". But his parents weren't there were they?
They were there, however, for the first weeks of summer. It was like any other time they visited, he got a nice bruise on his chin and enough lecturers to fill a goddamn book. They made him job hunt, look around for any way to pay them back for all they sacrificed to have him as their only child. The brand new star court mall had just opened up on the other side of town, and he managed to convince the manager of Scoops Ahoy to hire him. He met his grumpy new co-worker, Robin, and set off on a summer of slinging ice cream for minimum wage. The younger kids that had gotten involved with all the upside down stuff would come around to guilt him for free ice cream and a fast pass into the movie theaters. Despite that numb feeling following him around once more, he grew closer to the little gremlins, one might even call him motherly. And things began to look up again, even if slightly.
But good things never lasted for Steve Harrington. Not only was the upside down coming back into their world, there was a secret Russian organization underneath the very mall he worked in. He and Robin spent almost an entire night tied up in the chairs of an interrogation room, and Steve could barely stand on his own after the occasion. He could barely remember what happened what happened after the Russians drugged them, the only time he was fully conscious after that being when he and Robin camped out in the bathroom. Despite Robin having expressed her clear hatred for the man in front of her at the beginning of the summer, Steve found himself unable to keep his eyes away from her lips.
But of course she wasn't interested in him, or any boy for that matter. Robin was gay, which wasn't a problem. Steve's slightly bruised ego was mostly just shrouded the fact that he was trusted with this information. Sure Robin still thought Steve was some bigoted asshole, and it she was probably only telling him because of the drugs. But he still felt his chest swell with some small pride.
After they had escaped danger for the third time, things got back to normal pretty quickly. His parents hadn't come to check on him when he was admitted to the hospital, just sent money his way and a half-assed phone call. He ended up loosing some vision and hearing on the right side of his face, since he keeps leaving his concussions untreated. Just another thing for people to tease him for.
Once he got back home, Robin and the kids pretty much attached to his hip. They demanded he drive them everywhere and spend time with them. It was sweet, having a group of people to look after. He and Robin found a new job together at the family video down the road, and for the rest of their summer they spent almost every day together. Robin would constantly tease Steve for pining after girls that were obviously uninterested, and Steve would tease Robin for not pining after her crushes.
When school started again, he found himself slipping back into that numb, fuzzy feeling. There wasn't even anything going wrong this time, it was just how he dealt with things now, apparently. He started going into autopilot, just going through the motions of life. At least he had people with him this time, people who actually cared about him. At least he thinks they care for him, but when has he ever been right about that?
Robin seemed to notice she he was off, if her almost constant concern was anything to go by. If Steve was thinking wishfully he would assume she just didn't have the time to deal with him, caught up in her own senior year. It wasn't like the kids showcased any concern, just the usual nagging and badgering. Why would Steve Harrington have any feelings? The kids found a new older guy friend to follow around anyways, the local metal head Eddie Munson. Resident freak. Steve tried to shove down the overwhelming jealousy. Eddie was obviously much smarter than Steve. He understood the complex game the boys liked to play, hell he practically made a career out of it. Eddie seemed more confident than Steve could ever dream to be, so he resigned and thought it would be better if the boys idolized someone like that instead.
He began to sink away, content to watch from the sidelines as his kids grew into their own people. He curled into himself again, only exposing his hard exterior to the world. It was safer that way, he decided, no one can hurt his feelings if he doesn't have any. He didn't go to anyone when the nightmares started again, or when he had a panic attack because of the pool lights flickering outside of his window. He was a Harrington, and Harringtons were born as tough as nails.
But he's Steve Harrington, and apparently he cant have a year without any supernatural shit going down. He was at work with Robin when they heard the news. A Hawkins High student had been brutally murdered at the trailer park, and not so much later in the day, Max and Dustin came rushing in with bad news. They suspected something was happening again, and they had to go figure out if Eddie was the killer or not. Steve could hear his rapid pulse in his ears at their conclusion, tiny voices in his head screaming not again, not again, not again, not again-
Eddie hadn't been the killer, but that was far from a good thing. A super powerful upside down creature was punching holes into their universe and killing teenagers to make an even bigger gate. Eddie had just been the unlucky one to experience one of those murders and was now running from half the town. So they had to figure out how to stop vecna and convince a crowd of bloodthirsty hicks that Eddie was innocent.It was basically one thing after another, after that point. Vecna had killed three kids by the time they actually came up with a plan, Steve had been dragged into the upside down and used as a chew toy for a bunch of inter dimensional death bats, and now Max was the last victim Vecna needed to open all of the gates completely.
Steve honestly was surprised he was still standing at this point. He had lost a pretty good chunk of his stomach in the upside down, and was still bleeding through the already crimson soaked "bandages" around him. And it may as well have been the blood loss working its magic on him, but he swore Eddie Munson had just become the most beautiful thing in the world. He was as protective of the little shits as Steve was, and willing to do whatever it takes to save a town that hates him in return. Steve found himself just heating up at the thought of the metal head. He already swore to shove it down until he could deal with it properly (and by properly he meant drinking the feelings out of him), so he could focus on the task at hand, but he couldn't help himself from staring at the boy.
With his long dark brown hair, that Steve just wanted to run his hands through. Large doe eyes that seemed to pierce right through him with any old glance. He could see himself getting lost in those eyes for hours. Soft pink, plush lips that Eddie always bit when he was nervous or thinking. The tattoos poking out of Eddie's shirt, a stark contrast to his pale skin that Steve wanted to run his hands along. He felt intoxicated around Eddie, drunk on his aura. He wanted to hold the man until the end of forever came.
Eddie would think he's crazy, probably scream at Steve for even thinking he had a chance with him. Or even worse, if he did reciprocate the feelings he would end up being like Billy. He was terrified, honestly. It had been a while since he had really been in love with someone, past a petty crush. He was terrified what Eddie would do to him, or even worse, what he would do to Eddie. He may be an idiot, but he knew he was a terrible boyfriend as well. Hell, he might only be good for babysitting these days. If he even got into a relationship, he would probably find a way to screw things up. Just like he did with everything else in life.
So until he could address things properly, and not with less than three hours of sleep in his system, he would shove it away into the deepest part of his subconscious. There were more important things to worry about anyways, like what the fuck they were going to do about an inter dimensional demon. Some how they had scraped together a plan. Max would distract Vecna (the part of the plan which Steve was not a fan of), Eddie and Dustin would distract the demobats, while Nancy, Robin and himself would go for the kill. There were a lot of things that could go wrong but it was the best they could do with the little time they had. Steve just prayed to whatever dwelled in the clouds above that they would all make it out safe.
The plan was into motion, everyone in their positions and going through the phases they talked about. It was almost peaceful, but steve knew it was just the calm before the storm. He and Nancy talked on the way to the old creel house, but it only succeeded in making him more upset. Again, he just ignored it and moved onto the plan. It was going smoothly, until the three of them got caught by the slimy vines, the demobats got too close for comfort, and a certain Jason Carver paid a visit to Lucas and Max. It was a disaster, despite their attempt, they had failed to kill vecna, Max got all of her bones broken, and Eddie was laying on the floor in a puddle of his own blood.
Steve felt his heart shattering in his chest as he scooped up the still warm Eddie into his arms. Steve flitted over the seemingly dead man (once they had dragged his limp body back through the portal), and it was a miracle that he was able to find a pulse. Being a lifeguard, leader of the swimming team, and a step in parent for six little shit heads, he was trained in first aid. He never told anyone it was in case a situation like this were to happen, but he was sure thrilled he invested in it.
As he began compressions, he felt himself growing more and more distant. Like his head was submerged in honey. Everything felt way to slow, that was until the ragged breaths of Eddie beneath him brought him back into reality. He exhaled sharply at the noise, wiping Eddie's blood from his own face. He looked down to see Eddie's wide doe-eyes frantically searching the room, and murmured under his breath, "you're okay Munson, you're alright- you're safe-" as he grabbed a spare t-shirt on the floor and pressed it over his wounds.
He didn't expect it to do much, but it wasn't long before the sirens of an ambulance in the background got closer and closer and suddenly the door of the trailer opened to a crew of paramedics. He was pushed into the background, to be checked over by another nurse, who exclaimed loudly at the sight of his bloody bandages that haven't been changed in over a day.
She whisked him away from Eddie, despite his protests, and into the ambulance in the driveway as she called for more backup. There were people around him in seconds, and more sirens in the background, but Steve suddenly found it hard to keep his eyes open. Maybe it was actually blood loss this time, he joked quietly to himself. The pain of the bandages being pulled away from the sticky blood and infection of his wounds barely registered as his eyes rolled back into his head and darkness fell over the metal walls of the ambulance.