When I Have New Perspectives On Old Assholes I Tend To Get A Little Bitchy
Shea
War has been home for about 5 months now. I still get the chills when I see him, not necessarily good chills, but nauseating stomach rolls along with slivers of nostalgia that morph into anger and disappointment on where he destroyed our relationship. More often lately though, I just feel that the time of my life that was spent with War, belonged to someone else, not me, I almost don't really remember being the woman I was then. The ironic thing is that I'm so different from the woman who loved War that she doesn't feel like me, and while I've changed so much, War has morphed back in to the man he was before he turned away from me. So the people we are today, are totally different from the people we were when we were last together, weird and f-ed up, but then again, so are we.
Sometimes I'll hear his voice, or see him in another room, and I swear my heart stops. I turn into the 18 year old me and I'm tempted to either run into his arms, or slap the hell out of him. Maybe both, definitely both! Whenever he catches me watching him, he gives me a true, gut level smile. Not the knowing cocky smile or the asshole smirk, but the soft and beaming with love smile that has only ever belonged to me. That smile/smirk gives me goosebumps and a stomach full of rage at the same time.
F him for where we ended up. F him for trying so hard to support us now, when he was the ghost man when we needed him most. F him for breaking his own heart and soul when it was so completely unnecessary. We were strong, we could have worked through any and all problems, even the bitch induced issues. He messed up by keeping secrets, that then created issues, but he didn't knowingly sleep with her, he was basically raped. If it had happened to a girl, there'd be no question as to what went on, but because he's a macho asshole, he put those preconceived ugly thoughts in his head. Not one person in the club blamed him, or thought that it was anything other than assault. So it was all War and his unwillingness to stay and work things out that ended our marriage, the bitch didn't ruin us, War did.
I say 'ended', but he has yet to sign, I've repeatedly had the papers sent to him, and he returns them with a note that has some form of 'no fucking way will I ever sign off from my life with you, I love you'. And that's where we are today, still, for now, until I get the energy or the energy to push it further into the courts.
I am still so filled with hurt and anger, but as I see him work with the kids, and getting involved with the club, my more wounded feelings seem to be dissipating a bit. I don't know how he's doing it, but he's slowly integrating into our lives, into the routine of our new daily lives, and that right there, makes me angry. I'm a mixed up mess of emotions. One moment I'm rageful, the next I'm apathetic, and then here comes sweet nostalgia, f me.
When the kids and I first moved into this house, I tried to set up our own rules, schedules, anything to make a routine and comfort for the kids. This included trying to have all our dinners together, or at least as many as I can manage. The girls set the table, the boys clear, depending on what is for dinner, they all help prepare it in some way. From the first night, Claire set my place at one end of the table, and Rock sat at the other end. So placement put us both at the "head" of the table. We laugh and have fun, sometimes we cry and we're sad. But honestly, we're moving forward in a good and positive way, we are trying to recover from our loss. I don't think we'll ever be "healed" but we are learning to live with the grief, and work through it. We will always have a hole in our lives where Rocky, Jax, Kay and Suze were, but they're forever in our hearts and minds.
War started helping the boys with Tellers truck a few weeks after he came back home. I don't know how they reconnected, but now there doesn't seem to be any lingering anger or stress between my boys and War. My brothers taught War all about cars, and now he's teaching the boys all that he knows, it's an unbelievably beautiful, but so very painful circle. Sometimes I stand outside the garage and listen to the three of them, I takes me back to when I was a child, and I would read and play in the garage while my brothers worked on the cars, laughing and joking around. I miss my brothers so much, the sounds of their voices, the quiet strength they gave me, the humor and love that showed in the way they lived their lives, such a freaking loss to the world. My brothers and their wives were everything. I know I'm lucky I have such sweet, sweet memories.
I sent Tessa out to the garage a few hours ago to tell the guys what time dinner was, and for the first time, I felt somewhat bad about not asking War to stay. He's been helping the boys for months on their cars, teaching them about engine and body work, helping them prioritize the repairs, and sourcing the old parts that both their cars require.
But all the stories about my brothers he shares with them, things I never knew or heard about, crazy adventures and silly sayings they had, some I knew, many I didn't. These are the moments that he gives my boys that keep their dad and uncle alive. Because though I idolized and love my brothers completely, they were older than me, and had lives completely apart from me, so there is a whole world of knowledge that I'm unaware of, that War shares with them. That is so kind, and loving, and it reminds me how my brothers brought War into the club family when he was just a scrawny, hungry and lonely kid looking for a place and people to belong to.
When I see that part of War, that's when I really miss him, the kind and selfless, sweet and giving man that he was, maybe still is.
That aside, I am not ready to let him further into my life, the kids, yes, because he's shown that he guards and treasures their hearts, and I know that he would never willfully hurt them. They're club kids, and like every brother in the club, he would lay down his life for them, in that arena I completely trust him.
But me and my personal feelings, no f-ing way do I trust him with my heart again. Did that, bought the ticket, then rode the solo lonely road for the past few years, so uh uh, I am not open to letting War in. He knows it, I've told him, the guys have told him, heck, I even think that Rock and Teller have told him. But he doesn't push, he doesn't corner me with promises, he isn't giving me or a guy I'm flirting with death eyes, because I've watched him. He looks sad, but he doesn't intervene or go cave man. He might be unhappy, and he doesn't hide that, but he also doesn't march into my space, so I'm still trying to process that part of the new War.
I might hurt him with my admittedly low level flirtations with other guys, but he watches, doesn't impede, then shows up the next day or night to help the boys with the cars. I guess what I'm seeing is that he's, totally and completely, predictable and dependable with the kids.
If I think about it, he's been that way with the club also. He lives in the new building now, and when he's not working at the garage, or helping the kids, he's working on some of the new club builds, he's always around, someone the club can count on.
I know that he's also doing other work with the club, and I am positive it's 'enforcer' stuff, because I see him with Pike, they speak and plan together, just the two of them, then they'll head over to the other guys or Dev and go into the meeting room. No one talks about that stuff, but I've been around my whole life, so I can see what's going on.
It makes sense, War was a Nomad for a few years, that means he did and saw the dirty and scary of the club. Which again shows, that he's becoming someone to believe in, because my kids are believing in him, and the club is trusting him. Good for all of them, I'm not so inclined.
"Auntie Shea, the guys are coming in, but they are so dirty, and they also smell super bad!" Claire happily shares the news that the boys need to clean up, knowing that all they want to do is run in and eat.
"Thanks baby, help me bring the food in to the dining room? You grab the guac and salsa, Tess can you get the napkins and placemats please?" I smile watching the girls help out, they both try so hard, and usually it happens without a spill, but there's a reason that Tess is carrying napkins and not a food product or beverage.
"Shea, the guys and I might need to take a trip into town this weekend, I think the starter that we need for the Bronco comes in tomorrow. Is it ok if I grab them Saturday morning? I want to install it at the club garage afterwards, then we can meet you girls at the club for dinner after?" War looks around, sees the chaos in the kitchen, and he quietly chuckles as Tess very carefully carries napkins and placemats into the other room.
"That sounds great War, thank you for helping find the cheaper part, who knew that car repair and upkeep was so expensive!" I smile politely over at him, I am constantly amazed at how much it costs to keep and get those cars, or trucks, as they're always correcting me, running.
"Babe, you wouldn't know because first it was your brothers taking care of every little thing for your car, then I took it over, I bet you've never even booked your own oil change!" War is cracking himself up, when Rock and Teller join in.
"You're so right man, the last time I drove her car, the oil light had been on for over 500 miles, I just drove it straight to the shop, Rider changed it and all the other shit that needed taking care of, then he had a prospect deliver it to her at school! She has no clue what it takes to keep the motor running!" Rock laughs at me, then follows the kids into the dining room, leaving War and me alone in the kitchen.
"No, Rock, she definitely knows how to keep a motor running." War throws me his smirk, along with a smoldering look, and a low laugh.
"Stop War, he doesn't know what you're implying!" My cheeks heat, as I reply.
"Baby, Rock is almost 17, he knows what gets his motor going, and I've had several talks about it with him, you'll also find a stash of condoms that I gave him in his room. Don't embarrass him, we already talked, he's responsible, but he's also active." Staring at me, waiting for me to have the eventual realization that there is a whole area of Rocks life I'm not privy to, and don't really want to be too knowledgeable about. I shake my head and groan.
"Really? Already? I think my brothers were over 18 when that happened, how did it come so soon?" I moan.
"Awww Shea baby, if your brothers let you think that they were innocent until 18, it was because they didn't want to have you go buck wild at 14 like they did." The cocky War smirk is back.
"Nope, don't want to know about my angelic brothers and nephews, well, I do want to know about the boys, I've got to make sure they're doing the right thing. Nodding my head at my own sage wisdom, I smile slightly.
"Thank you again War, for all you're doing with the boys, the cars, condoms, and conversations, I really appreciate it." I smile softly, because I really do appreciate all he's doing to help us.
" Baby, the boys have trucks, not cars! Call on me for the big 'C's' baby, cars, condoms and conversation, but when you're ready for the big 'D', just smile and I'll come running!" He ducks out of the kitchen barking out a loud laugh.
"Should have stopped while you were ahead War!" I call out as I close the door, and then I realize that I'm laughing too.