The Realization That I'm A Total Piece Of Shit
War
What the fuck, my head is fucking pounding. I haven't even opened my eyes and I can feel my pulse throbbing in my eyes. My mouth and throat are dryer than a motherfucker, and my jaw hurts like hell, fuck, was I in a fight last night? Why the fuck can't I remember anything? Where's Shea? What the fuck time is it? I give up trying not to move my aching head, rolling slightly on my side, I can just see the clock on Sheas bedside table, 1:30 in the fucking afternoon? No wonder she isn't in bed, what the fucks going on?
"Shea, Shea, where are you baby? I feel like hell, what the fuck happened last night?" Yelling out just about made my head explode, fuck, I'm in sorry shape. Waiting for Shea to respond I grab my phone to see if she's left the house.
I've got a fuck ton of missed texts and calls, most of them from Mandi. I know she's got some problems, but I'm getting real tired of her thinking that I'm the solution to all her issues. Shea is pretty irritated with all the calls and texts from Mandi and she doesn't even know how much the girl is calling and texting me, and the guys at the club are all warning me about her. At first I really thought I was helping her, now I think maybe the guys are right and she's trying to get more from me. At first I was just trying to lend a hand to her, like the club did for me when I was in the system, but I kind feel like now she wants more than a friend.
Fuck it, she's so far down my priority list, I'll deal with Mandis shit later, I don't see anything from Shea, but there's a video from Stoner, so I'll check that out before I call around for Shea.
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck
What the fuck am I doing in this video? It looks like I'm fucking Mandi in the middle of a party, I've got my leg jammed between her legs, and she's fuckin grinding up on me, her face looks like she's about to cum. How the fuck don't I remember this? Jumping out of bed I get the spins so bad I race into the bathroom and puke in the toilet. I'm fucking panicking and vomiting, trying to figure out what's going on with Shea, is that why she isn't home? Watching the video again, it looks like Mandi is fucking naked, did I have sex with her? I haven't fucked anyone other than Shea since she finished high school, I haven't even touched someone since before then! As soon as Shea was old enough, she was it for me, forever.
I wash my face and brush my teeth, run downstairs to try and track down my wife. Stopping abruptly when I see her sitting on the porch outside, in the swing that we bought each other for our first wedding anniversary. I know that she can hear me, but she isn't turning my way. On a gut level I know that she's seen the video.
Breaking into a cold sweat, I watch her, sitting still and quiet, not moving, but I sense and fucking feel her heartbreak from here.
Walking outside through the doors, I can hear her soft voice. "I guess you saw your video from last night, you were kind of the star of the show." Her voice is so fucking sad, and it's my fault.
Sitting next to her in the seat, she scoots over to the other side, she won't look at me, hurt and pain radiate off her body, fresh tears roll out of her puffy and reddened eyes and down her cheeks, over the tracks of previously dried tears.
"I saw it, but I don't fucking know what happened. I don't remember it Shea, I don't know what I did. The last thing I remember was getting a beer earlier in the night with you, after we arrived. Then I woke up here, I swear, I don't know what happened!" I'm so fucking panicked right now, what the fuck's going on?
"I don't know what happened either War. You were completely out of it, mumbling and slurring your words, you couldn't talk or walk. It wasn't just beer, you must have taken some kind of drug, I don't know what, but that wasn't just alcohol you were on."
I get quiet, because the truth is, I could have taken something. I've been fuckin around with a couple of drugs lately, Mandi has given me some stuff to play around with. I know how Shea is about drugs because of her parents, they were addicts and ended up dying from drugs. Shea and her brothers never touch drugs, the guys occasionally smoke weed, but never my girl. So I've kept the drugs I've used a secret from her. Mandi, some of the guys and I have done a little, X and coke, not a lot, but I haven't told Shea about any of it.
Fuck
"I don't know what's going on with you War, you've been keeping secrets from me. You're having some kind of relationship with Mandi that is not ok in our marriage. I've told you I don't like you spending so much time with her, you told me it was my problem. Well you're right about that, it really is my problem. Because what I saw last night? That fucking hurt, and I don't know what to believe now. Can I trust what you say, or do I trust what I saw with my own eyes? What's going on with you two War? Please tell me the truth, we're on the edge of losing our whole world right now, so we need to be brutally honest, and you need to finally dig deep and be truthful. Do you want out of our marriage?"
Her hands are shaking, she has dark circles under her eyes, her breathing is fast and stressed. I did this to her. I made the love of my life, the reason I get up in the morning, feel like our marriage is over. How in the fuck did this happen?
I pull her next to me, though she resists, she eventually slides over, wrapping one arm around her, I grab and hold her close.
"Fuck no! You're all I've ever wanted or needed Shea, you're fucking everything to me! I swear to fuck I don't know what happened last night. I haven't cheated on you with Mandi, I haven't been tempted, I swear I've never thought about it or wanted to, I've never even come close to being tempted by anyone! I have no fuckin idea what was going on it that video, but I swear I haven't cheated. I have used drugs with her and some of the guys. I know I didn't tell you, but I did play around with some drugs. I've talked to her a lot, she understands where I came from, and some of the experiences I had. You came from a good family, you don't get how sometimes we feel outside of that..."
She pulls back and looks at me, interrupting my sentence.
"Wait, what do you mean "we", you and Mandi are a "we" now? And by "my perfect family", you mean that my older brothers who raised me because my parents OD'd and died. From drugs, like the ones you've been hiding from me? When did you and Mandi become a team War? When did I become the person who doesn't understand you or your life? I've only loved you for the past 9 years. I've only known you for about 20 years. I guess you and Mandis relationship of 6 months is way deeper and more important than all of our history together!"
I shake my head because she's so right, I've totally missed what's going on, I've pushed her out, to let a club girl play games in my life and my marriage.
"Fuck, I'm so sorry Shea, I didn't see what I was doing, I get it, I let someone come in between us, and I'm so sorry baby." I try to pull her back into my arms, but she pulls back, looking at me with devastatingly hurt eyes.
"I told you, I told you she was playing games and getting too involved with you. You told me it was my jealousy, that I was making it up, that there wasn't anything between you two. You've defended her in every conversation that we've had about this issue! That's not true though, is it War, there is something going on with you guys!"
"No baby, I swear! I haven't thought about another girl for fuckin years! I see now that I let her manipulate things a bit, but I never did anything with her or even thought of doing something with her!"
"How do you explain last night then War? You saw the video, she was all over you, you had your arm around her, and she was freaking moaning like you were having sex in the middle of a party! How would you feel if that was me? If I was all over someone like that, almost naked and groaning?"
There's a definite cry in her voice building as she speaks, I'm such a loser, I've fucking gutted my girl.
"Forget about the total disrespect you showed me in front of all of our friends and family last night. Tell me what you would think if you saw that, then heard what you've told me today?"
I drop my head back, running my hands through my hair, my stomach rolls, I'm so fucking sick at what I've done.
"I'd be fuckin devastated Shea, I'd be sick at heart, sick to my stomach, and I'd be questioning everything. But I swear, I didn't do anything with her, and I don't remember taking drugs last night. The past couple of months I've tried to hide that I've used drugs from you, I wouldn't do it in front of you baby, and I won't do it behind your back anymore either. I wont do it again, I swear!"
She looks at me, shaking her head, tears flowing down her face, her whole body is vibrating with grief.
"How did we get here War? I swear, I don't get it, we loved each other so much, how did we slip?"
"Love! Love, Shea, not loved, not fuckin past tense! I don't know how it all happened, but I know it's on me. I'm the one who had secrets, but I swear the drugs were the only secrets!"
Shaking her head at me, she sighs.
"No War, the drugs weren't the only secrets. You hid your texts and phone conversations with her. You didn't let me know how much time you were spending with her at the club. Rider and Hack said she comes to the garage to talk with you. You've helped her with "problems" that you've never even told me about. When I go to work, I work. I don't hang with other guys, text or call other guys, or help them out with "problems" or stuff. I don't share my past life with them and bond with them about our somewhat shared backgrounds. I don't drink, party, take drugs or share secrets with other guys. You've done way more than keep drugs from me. You've got a whole life with her that I knew nothing about, a life I'm not a part of. When I asked you, you shut me down every time. You actually told me "Mandi said you'd say that", you betrayed us War. You brought someone into our marriage." I can't tell what's bigger right now, her anger or her hurt.
"I can't believe you'd let someone get close to you like that! To the point where you felt comfortable keeping so many secrets from me! You've been everything to me for so long, and you moved on with her and left me behind!" She is crying harder now, her body is shaking and her voice is quivering.
"No, no, no Shea, baby, I didn't leave you behind! I've never left you, I never would leave you, we're together, always! There is no me without you! Since the moment I first saw you as not a kid, you were 14 years old, and way to fuckin young for me! It's always been you! I waited for you, and when you turned 18, it was just us, from then until forever! Please don't let my mistake here ruin us! I kept the drugs from you, and I didn't tell you about all her calls and texts, partially because I was annoyed at her, and partly because I didn't want you to think something was going on when there wasn't! When she came to the garage, she was talking to all the guys, not just me, I didn't think anything about it, I swear! But the drugs, that I did, I totally own the fact I did drugs and tried to hide it from you. She brought them out, and I did them with her and some of the guys, never ever with just her alone, there were always other guys there!"
Grabbing her and pulling her onto my lap I force her to look at me, my hands on her cheeks, pulling her forehead to mine, I rest against her, smelling her clean skin.
"Whatever I need to do to make you believe in us I will! I swear baby, it is only you, always you, forever you in my heart!"
"I'm scared War, I afraid that I'm losing you, or maybe I already have lost you and I just don't know it yet." The vulnerability that comes in her words slays me. My girl, the fucking stars and moon in my sky, the reason I breathe, has lost her confidence and faith in us.
I take a couple of deep breaths, I think and try to figure out how we got to this point.
"I don't know why I let this happen. I think I recognized her feeling an outsider, and I remember how that felt. I was being a friend, but I get how boundaries were crossed. That's over Shea, no one will ever come between us. Believe me, trust in me, trust in us, I will fix this."
Shea sags against me, her body limp and fragile. I feel her tears on my neck.
"Ok War, I want to believe you. I want us to be able to fix this. I love you with everything I am, and I can't let us drift father apart, I don't know how to be me in this life without you. I won't give up on us, but I'm also not going to tolerate any secrets, or any kind of friendship with Mandi."
Breathing deep, as air fills my lungs, determination to repair the damage I've done fills my soul. I will never hurt this girl again, there is no fuckin way I'm letting anyone destroy us, not even me.