Jeremiah.
I sat across from my co-workers, opening the lid to my Tupperware, revealing my lunch of cubed steak smothered in gravy, mashed potatoes, Mac and cheese and mixed vegetables. "Damn, this nigga eating lavishly," my co-worker, Javier teased, causing me and Keith, mostly Keith, to snort laughing.
"Bro chill out, I was off yesterday and decided to cook. I be tired of eating out all the time" I laughed, digging a plastic fork into my tender meat that broke apart easily. Little did they know, I called my momma and made her stay on the phone while I cooked half of it. I needed her step by step guidance on how to cook the meat exactly the way she do, and since I got a hard time remembering little shit like seasonings and how long to cook it, she had to stay on the phone with me. I wanted it to taste like if she'd driven 1000 miles to me and cooked it herself, right in my kitchen.
Nothing made me feel closer to home than a meal that could come even halfway as close to my family's cooking. While 22 year old me loved the concept of me being on my own for once in my life, 26 year old me still missed my people like crazy, especially my moms. Nothing was harder than leaving my family, but I would never know what life would be like if I continued to stay cooped up with them in Nevada.
Moving to Seattle has been good to me since I finally locked in and started focusing on my career more. The clubs, parties, drinking and girls were fun when I was having just that, fun. Now don't get me wrong, a girl, a party, nor a drink here or there never hurt anyone, but I knew that if I wanted to be anything in life and live out these huge plans that I've had brewing for so long, I'd have to shift my focus. Make sure to put nothing but God above said goals.
Having that faith and discipline alone opened so many doors for me already, how could I ever not give Him the recognition He deserves? "Well next time, bring us some. You can't just be leaving a nigga starving, eating toddler meals. This some shit my 4 year old niece would eat" Keith grumbled, pointing down to his plate full of chicken nuggets, had to have been about 30 of them bitches on one flimsy paper plate, a side of ranch.
Javier let out a loud laugh, pointing at Keith's plate, causing me to let out the full belly laugh that I was stifling. Keith slouched down in his chair, manspread with his elbows resting on his knees, looking at me and Javier like a disappointed dad.
"Not a side or nothing? You want my macaroni?" I laughed, being for real with my offering. I lowkey wanted him to say no, but if he said yeah, I'd let him have it. "Deadass? Hell yeah" Keith grinned, sliding his soggy plate over to me as it repeatedly stuck to the table instead of sliding smoothly, causing Javier to go into a fit of laugher again, resulting in all of us to laugh harder than before.
I just got this job at a startup tech company that works with programming and application development about a year and a half ago. It's how I met Javier and Keith. If I'm being forreal, I think the HR might be a little racist cause we the only men of color and they put all of us on a team together, plus 2 other new guys. Javier is a goofy ass nigga who don't take nothing serious, which is why we leave him to do the coding, the easiest part of the job. I'm a software engineer and Keith was the team leader and a graphic designer, the other two guys were engineers.
After having lunch, I headed back to my desk to finish up checking over my work before sending the file to Keith. Music playing from the speaker of our team room. Everyone worked in comfortable silence as my phone pinged. I had a message from a girl who occasionally hits me up when she needs a little something something. If I'm honest, I wasn't feeling it tonight.
I feel like I'm officially growing out of my phase of having casual sex, crazy, right? After doing it for so long, it's growing old. I'm 26 and I've only been in 2 real relationships, lasting only months at a time. I've had a few girls who I used to casually have sex with, just sex, no relationships, no attachments, and only one, one night stand.
When I was younger, I didn't care too much about the possibility of getting anyone pregnant, I couldn't imagine how different my life would have turned out if I'd gotten one of my casuals pregnant. The thought of me being a father, being responsible for another human shook me up. I've had multiple moments where I was barely able to take care of myself, let alone a child. Along with getting my shit together, I cut down on sleeping around before casual sex turned into a sex addiction. I went a few months being celibate after my one night stand cause I realized I was getting in too deep.
That was the first and last time I'd done anything like that and the next morning, I had a long talk with myself. That's when I decided to slowly start getting myself together, going to therapy, doing more self care, getting rid of friends who enabled me and my bad choices, and working on moving out of my brother's house, especially since he started dating his psycho fiancé. He'd finally left the nest and moved down to Seattle to be like me.
Since being out of my moms house, this is the most energetic, financially stable and mentally stable that I've been, and I moved out 5 years ago. Since my one night stand, I've only had 3 sexual partners. I'm actually thankful for that night, it put a lot of shit into perspective for me. She seemed like a real nice girl from what I could remember, and the thought of some random nigga sleeping with one of my female family members then never talking to her again just didn't sit right with me. That was when I knew I needed to get my shit together, especially since I never saw that girl again.
The sex was consensual for the both of us, and though we both made the decision to do what we did, it hit me how that's not how I wanna live my life. I was only 22 at that time, and it take most niggas to be 30+ to come to the realization that I came to, I'm proud of myself for that. I'll never let nobody take that from me.
I looked down at the girl's message again, snapping back into reality, "Another time? I'll probably be at work until late. I got a lot to catch up on" I lied. She replied with a "ok:(" and I left it at that. "Jeremiah" a voice said. I snapped my eyes from my phone and looked up, noticing that both Javier and Keith were looking at me, "Huh?" I muttered, not even realizing they were calling my name.
"Damn nigga, you okay? You look like you just got a 'I'm late' text" Javier snickered, making me crack a smile. This nigga always got something to say, but he funny as hell with it so ion even say nothing back. Him and Keith are some chill ass dudes, ion know why I'm not hanging out with likeminded niggas like them. We been working together for almost two years and ain't never hung out, outside of work.
"Nah, nah. Nothing like that" I chuckled, setting my phone down on my desk. "We going to the bars tonight, you tryna come?" Keith asked from his desk across the room. I contemplated, "Ion know, I ain't gon lie to y'all, I'm working on my celibacy" I replied, trying to make the right decision. To my surprise, Javier ain't have nothing to say, he nodded his head. "That's what's up bro. You should still come, we can make sure you don't do no fuckin" he negotiated.
Taken aback, I looked from him to Keith, "Yeah, we gon make sure you honor that shit. You comin'?" He asked. This finna sound corny, but I ain't never been around no niggas like that before. My friend group would have tried to pussy me and call me gay or some shit.
I sat for a second and thought then gave in "Aight then. What time y'all tryna meet?" I asked. "Give me your number so I can make a group chat" Keith spoke from his desk across the room. I spoke my number out loud as he typed, seconds later, I got a notification and saved both of their numbers.
My moms always told me that the people I hung around had some form of influence on who we are, I think it's good for me to be around career driven men like me, and if I'm being honest, Keith and Javier were my best bet, plus it's good that I already know them.
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After deciding that I didn't plan on getting drunk tonight, I chose to be the designated driver. I went to pick the guys up and we went to a place called Bathtub Gin & Co, sounded a lil zesty to me but I was willing to have some guy time so I was rolling with it.
Stepping out of the car, we headed to get in the line, ID in hand. "Let me ask you something" Javier nudged me, standing next to me, Keith to the right of me. "Wassup?" I nodded, turning my head to look at him. "What made you decide to practice celibacy?" He asked with a look of curiosity.
I shrugged, "If I'm being for real, I been having sex since high school with my first girlfriend like sophomore year. As I got older I started having multiple partners and I didn't notice how out of hand it was getting until I had my first one night stand a few years ago. I didn't want to start feeling like I needed to have sex, so I started slowing down. I started working more on myself and slowly, that desire started to fade more and more until I felt like I was able to not feel like I needed to have sex." I replied as best as I could.
He looked as if he was taking in everything I was saying and was genuinely curious. This is the longest I've seen him go without cracking a joke and that's rare for him. "That's what's up bro, I need to start working on myself more. I feel like I work so much then go home and sleep, so any free time I get, I'm either out or fuckin." He laughed, causing me and Keith to laugh.
"I get you, for real. Going to therapy changed my life, I would recommend it to any man, especially black men, that shit is frowned on in the black community but it helps. If y'all ever get serious about it, my therapist was chill and he helped me to get through and realize a lot of shit about myself and why I am the way that I am, or was, on a psychological level" I recommended.
Mental health was something that my mom never really talked to me about cause she doesn't understand what it's like to be a black man. Especially a black man who never had a father figure. I don't fault her though, she did the best that she could raising 3 boys all on her own, it just wasn't enough for me psychologically, and that's okay too.
"I been thinking about going to therapy, I could really use it. I grew up with a lot of family and relationship issues. After sitting back and thinking, I recently came to the realization that I'm a womanizer" Keith chimed in. "I feel like we've all held that title before, and not just us, but men in general, especially the ones who don't know how to recognize good women when we have them" I added.
"The fuck is a womanizer?" Javier turned his head to look at us, his eyebrows knit together in confusion. This man has to be the dumbest smartest mu'fucka I ever met in my life, he was unintentionally funny. Keith laughed, tapping me repeatedly while laughing, "Nigga, what? What is it?" Javier repeated himself, still confused. "Basically, just a man who has temporary sex with a woman knowing that they don't want or see themselves being in a relationship with them" I explained as easily as I could.
"Damnnnn, nigga I'm a womanizer" he responded. "Join the club" I spoke, holding my hand out as he dabbed me up, still having the shocked expression on his face. Helping men discover and rightfully name their toxic traits one nigga at a time, my specialty.
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"I liked this girl for a long ass time, and she was never willing to give me the time of day until a few years ago. I was lowkey chasing her and when she finally gave me somewhat of a chance, I decided that since I still had multiple girls to fall back on that I was fuckin with, that I wanted to deal with them all on my time. I'd go back to her when I felt like it, and cause I knew I finally got her to fall in love with me, I could come back to her when I was ready to settle down" Keith spoke, sipping on his 4th beer, me and Javier listening to him intently, waiting for him to continue.
He paused, taking a long swig of his beer. Damn, I don't think I've ever been in love before, but it looks to me like he knows for sure that he fucked up. "She decided that she wanted to take control back, in a way, and cut all communication with me. She done it before a few times, but I always found a way to squeeze myself back in, and she was always willing to give me another chance. I just couldn't let go of the lifestyle that I been living in since I was 21. Now that I'm older and still feeling a sense of emptiness romantically and intimately, ready to settle down, I can't see myself doing that with nobody else but her. She standing her ground this time though. I really fucked up for good this time. I went to her place today to try and talk to her, to see if I still had wiggle room to get back in and let her know I'm ready to be serious about her and her alone now. I drove 25 minutes to and from her house on break today. 25 minutes. And our conversation lasted for all of 10 minutes and made it nowhere. She's done with me for real this time and I don't know how to handle the fact that I fumbled a good ass woman." Keith confessed.
We'd made it into the bar and had been seated for about 45 minutes now, talking about our past and present women situations. "Self sabotage be a bitch" Javier sighed, sitting back in his chair, slouching down in it as I nodded my head in agreement. "Do you feel like you in love with her? Or do you just have love for her? Like, to the point where you wanna marry her?" he asked. Keith shrugged, taking another swig, "Of course I have love for her, she been in my life for a long time. If you would have asked me this question 8 years ago, it would still be the same answer, which is yeah. I'm in love with her, she's the only woman that I could ever see myself marrying." He replied.
I don't think I could have ever had conversations like this with my group of friends. After going through everything I did and reevaluating my life, I just came to the realization that maybe I'm outgrowing them. I'm not the same person I used to be when I first met them, I feel like a new outlook on life requires me to not try and fit myself in a box that I've outgrown when it comes to almost anything in my life, including friendships.
I sure as hell would have enjoyed they company a year and a half ago. Being able to be around people who don't mind intellectual conversation was refreshing as hell. I ain't never been around or even talked to men who have the same mindset as me, I was definitely squeezing myself into a category that I had no business being in anymore, I know there will be many more nights like this to come.
Deep in conversation, Keith paused then stood up from his chair, "Noelle" he spoke, his hands cupping his mouth. Me, assuming he was drunk, looked behind me to see who he was talking to since there were now a few eyes on us. He waved the person over as I took a swig of my beer. I was on my third one and wasn't feeling anything, which is good. I been pacing myself cause if I can't drive us home then we gon be shit outta luck. I saw Keith hug someone from the corner of my eye and for some reason, the voice scratched a specific part of my brain cause it sounded familiar for a minute but I figured I had to have been tripping.
"I miss you so much" the voice spoke as I looked down at my phone, the bottle of beer pressed to my lips. "Noelle, this is Javier and Jeremiah," he introduced us as I set my beer down, turning my head to the tall dark skin girl who sparked a memory of a drunken night a few years back. She shook Javier's hand as he eyed her, looking at her with a small smile.
I shook her hand, keeping my cool, not even sure if she remembered the drunk night that we had together. For some reason, I was able to remember everything from a night that happened nearly 5 years ago, as crazy as it sounds. "Jeremiah?" She asked. My heart pounded for a second, last thing I needed was to meet the girl Keith has been talking about almost all night just for him to find out that she was the one night stand that made me change my life for the better.
I nodded my head at her answer, still not knowing if she remembered me or not. She looked just as good as she did 5 years ago, a little thinner than she was, but still fine as hell in the face and dark skinned, just how I like em'. "This my little sister, she visiting for our other sister wedding." Keith informed us, "These my co-workers." He added. "Where you visiting from?" Javier asked, sitting up in his seat and leaning on the table, holding eye contact with her.
"San Francisco" she replied, her head slightly tilted to the side with a small smile. Now I remember how she hooked me in the night, it was something about the little things that she did. The eye contact, the head tilt, the slight rasp in her voice. It was like she was on 10 when she was drunk, she carried herself with so much grace and confidence, yet sexiness.
"You here with Aria?" Keith spoke to the dark skinned woman. She nodded her head, "Yeah, who else would I be with?" She joked. "Do y'all mind if they join us?" He asked as I immediately shook my head, probably too quickly, telling him that I didn't mind. "Nah, not at all" Javier added, finally looking at Keith for the first time since his sister had joined the same vicinity as us. "Are you guys sure? We don't wanna interrupt your boys night" She asked, looking back and forth between us all.
She locked eyes with me, I ain't gon lie, I was already looking at her, and I shook my head "Nah, yall can join. Ima pull y'all up some chairs, how many of y'all is it?" I asked, our eyes locked with each other's still. I wasn't gonna look away until she did. She may have been able to dominate me when I was young, drunk, and insecure back then, but she fuckin with grown Jeremiah now. "Four" she replied, holding up 4 fingers, as my eyes zoned in on her hand, honestly, just to see if she had a ring on it by any chance.
I looked back at her eyes, realizing that she got me, and she realized too, cause one of the sexiest smirks I've ever seen played across her full, plump lips, her lips slightly parted, tongue at the roof of her mouth. She nodded her head at me then strode off in the other direction to get her friends. I watched her, a small smile on my face. I had to mentally tell myself to calm down and remind myself that I'm taking my celibacy seriously. This girl was trouble, and she knew it.
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AN: ITS SO LONG IM SORRY IF U GUYS DONT LIKE LONG CHAPTERS😭 this one might be my favorite one so far cause Noelle and Jeremiah FINALLY meet again. I hope everyone is having a good day and enjoy the update 🩷