This is my attempt at fluff once again...
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He sounded unusually sheepish. His fingers were tapping each other lightly but quickly. No way was this guy actually nervous. Maybe it's the cold outside. That thought was quickly diminished when I noted that he could not hold eye contact for at most two seconds. He probably came here for some serious reason...whatever it was, I was more than glad to hear him out, let alone be near his presence. Though I had to stop looking at him a lot if I needed to hear what he has for me.
"How could I not?" I joked to relieve myself from all the awkwardness within me. As expected, no laughter. Only a confused glance. Why the hell would I say that? What if he catches the hint and gets all weird? Why did I have to be right again? How could I ever forget this man? The man who made me realize that I can be infatuated by guys - in fact, infatuated at all - expected me to forget him? Anyway, he's not a mind reader, so I guess I'll have to understand.
"Come in! come in!" I said in an exaggerated happy tone, trying to shake of the nerves that had almost overcome my judgement. He nods and begins to remove his shoes. Once he was done, he motioned for the door and I instantly paved way for him to enter. Immediately he passed me, I drowned in his woody scent- he had been loyal to this perfume for the longest time that I knew him and I could see why. I could've become a drooling mess or even hug him to relive the day I first hugged him, but I didn't need to make him feel awkward. Again, it felt weird that he hadn't hugged me on the way in, but I can only hope that it's not a new normality I should be used to.
He gently sat on the sofa in the living room with an upright and uptight posture, being the first time he has been to my house. How he knew where my house was- I don't know. As much as I would love to know, all that mattered was that he was here. All other thoughts I had to brush off for the sake of keeping him around. So I got out a glass and poured out some clean water into it and gave it to him, all while keeping cool. He gratefully took it from my hands- his hands brushing against mine. Immediately after the touch I was lost in thought, as I remembered how it felt like touching him. I remembered how calloused his hands were because of all the sports and working out he was doing in school. I remember how his hands felt around my back when we hugged each other goodnight, and good morning, and when I cried: his hands always found a home on my back. Now my back was mildly aching for attention after touching my hands- for his hands to give it attention.
"Rique, you good?" he asked, concerned over why I looked lost. Immediately, I was pulled down to reality and shifted a bit in search for composure.
"Yeah, I'm good. I'm good. It's nothing." I said, as I took the glass he was holding out to me and walked over to the kitchen. I hope he didn't see my not-so-subtle blush I was trying to hide afterwards. Remember, the goal is to keep him around. Once I came back to the living room after washing the glass, I sat on the sofa opposite him, ready to listen to whatever he has for me. Once again, he could not hold eye contact for shit; it was almost sad because that wasn't in his nature, but I would be that nervous too if it was something really hefty to deliver. Therefore, I began paying attention to other objects in the room. The old painting of a girl in hide clothing holding a calabash looked back at me with a two-dimensional smile and eyes that shrunk because of the smile. I noticed new things: the brown water, the fragments of dirt on the air, the artist's signature...things I wouldn't have noticed in the past.
"First of all," he began, "I know that I came in unannounced and I want to apologize for that."
"No, no, no, no, no! It's all good. no worries!" I said with no hesitation, as I raised my pitch and softened my voice a bit to reassure him. Honestly, I lost track of how many times I said no, or how fast I said it. Short silence cut through the conversation after the reassurance.
"Thank you, Rique. However, I needed to talk to you about...well...um..." I waited patiently to hear his next words. My heart began palpitating as thoughts buzzed in my head, trying to predict his next words. Somehow, I was convinced that I knew what he wanted, but I wouldn't want to experience the disappointment of jumping the gun.
"I knew you would be the right person to talk to about some of these grave things in my life on...matters of the heart." He cringed, and to make a good guess, it was probably his choice of words. I gave a reassuring smile for him to go on. It was almost funny seeing him beat around the bush. Nonetheless, elating as it was for me to actually help him out with anything, I was never good at 'matters of the heart'. He knew this himself, because I was the one depending on him on these 'matters of the heart'. I appreciated the compliment, however untrue it was. My instinct was to do the things he would do in the very least: shut up, listen and ask questions whenever there is five seconds of silence.
"How does it feel like to...be attracted to a guy?" He asked, a bit sheepish. He could barely maintain eye-contact yet again; I was more than convinced to believe that he was embarrassed by such a question, and to jump into conclusion, there could be some truth about him in such a question. Of course, however far-fetched that sounded in my head, I just couldn't ignore it somehow.
"It's no different from liking a woman, that I can tell you. You just so happen to...like somebody." I answered, keeping my calm after being aware of how thick the tension was in the air of the room.
"So you shouldn't be feeling...sick to your stomach about yourself?" A bit of concern grew as those words escaped his mouth.
"You shouldn't. Feelings are very normal. I understand the societal pressure that comes with being a man, let alone being a person. You should never be ashamed of how you feel just because wither way, you can't please everyone on life."
"But there are many people who don't like gay people. I mean, you put up with so much in high school for being feminine, let alone gay."
"Yes...and then I realized that people have their own insecurities. Society is made of broken, insecure and imperfect people. Perfecting yourself within would only break you more."
Silence...
Thought...
Such subjective wisdom has never escaped my mouth. It then clicked that he could be referring to himself, given the tone he used to ask these questions- he seemed, needy for answers. He seemed conflicted- somehow like he was beating himself up for these feelings, staying up all night wondering how he could get rid of them...but I could be wrong. Perhaps he was just looking for advice for a friend. Maybe...
"Look, Rique. There's just a lot in life that I'm questioning. Things never made sense to me: like how you were bullied for being attracted to guys. I mean, you couldn't help it but...be attracted to guys." It almost started sounding like word vomit until he finished, " I wish I was there for you more." My eyes widened at those words, and the resent in his voice. My heart was probably running a thousand miles per hour. But he was there for me. He was the only one there for me. Guilt hit me like a truck, because I began recalling how much he went through because of me. How could you be so masochistic to put yourself through unnecessary drama, hurt....Were the rumors not enough for him? Was the mocking not enough for him? Was my shit not enough for him?
"Ru...I am beyond grateful for you being there for me. Heck, I don't even know how I would ever repay you just for giving me your support: the way you hugged me when I cried, the way you held me when I had a breakdown, the way you helped me fend off my bullies...even to those small things like you saving me a seat in class. Please, don't ever think that you're doing nothing because...you made my life way better.* Balls of tears grew on my eyes as I cooed at him like he was fragile- making sure his heart would not break further. It took some intense thought to get those words out of my mouth. I continued, now talking without an aim, "It's me who should be sorry for not being there enough."
"No! You have been there for me more than enough too!" He chuckled - a bit of a frantic laugh- and I could swear that I never knew I needed that clarity until it was given to me. My mind felt a lot lighter, and I could feel myself smile again. Those words lifted my heart, and the next thing I knew was our bodies being flush: flush in a warm, genuine embrace as our senses revel as they take in each other's musk, touch and energy. I felt lighter- perhaps the cloud of tension was cleared. Honestly, I wish I never moved away from that embrace. My face fit like a glove on his chest as his hands comb through my hair, seeking for a way to relieve me even more. His hands are on my waist, satisfying the craving of his touch. Familiarity...
"I have always loved you." He broke the sweet silence again. Damn, if my heart was not doing some serious gymnastics right now.... "I still do. It's hard to love someone from a distance, so now I need you closer to me."
Those sentences left me with more questions than answers, and I was finally left speechless. Could it be that I finally get to be with the person I denied myself from having? Could it be that I get another shot at love, unwarranted? Was I second-guessing myself the whole time? Though it didn't matter how long it took, I was beyond grateful that he finally came to that realization. I hugged him tighter, feeling his heart beat and his warmth. I needed him more than I thought. I needed him a lot more than I expected.
"I have always loved you, Ruby." I didn't if he referred to platonic love or romantic love. I just said what I had been knowing, and what I had been feeling. Right there and then, I just wanted him. It no longer mattered if it meant that we would start dating, or kissing...all that mattered to me was that I could finally have him closer to me. I progressed, without caring whether our friendship could be ruined by a stupid love confession, "I care about you. I always have. Though it was difficult to be a friend to you because I wanted more, and you didn't want that. I've had...feelings: feelings I bottled and ignored because of how important our friendship was. You're important to me, and I don't want to lose you. All I ever needed was you being closer to me, even to be more than just friends, because you're you. I love you for you, and I need you as you are to be with me as I am."
He held me tighter, and anchored me on his body with the grip of a vice. Finally, I aired out my confession...without a care in the world about potentially ruining a beautiful friendship. All that mattered right there was me telling him how I feel, the rest will be done once I crossed that bridge. Ruby leans in and coos into my ears, what should sound like sweet nothings to me, "I need you too, Rique. I never knew I did until life put us away from each other. May I be yours? Even if it is only for tonight. I just need to know how it feels like to be yours."
A sweet silence filled the air for a few seconds before responding. "You can be mine for as long as you need. I'm yours to command if you need...and if you'll let me be yours too." I cooed in his ears. Convinced of how in love I was to say such words, I caressed his face, holding on to it for dear life. His face was smooth and had a unique glow to it. Looks like he had been taking my skincare advice seriously. My thoughts were silenced by his warm gaze: looking at me like I am some rare jewel he found after a long day in the mines. His brown pools on his almond-shaped eyes, how they were soothing and lulling my anxiety-driven heart, placing me in a peaceful trance. I had never been happier.
Scooching impossibly closer, I took one of his hands from my waist to hold. A beam of sunshine he was: his smile was one thing that could make your day, guaranteed. Knowing damn well that I made him smile like that brought tears on my face. Such a sight for sore eyes. Such a healing smile. A small tear formed at the corner of his eyes as he watched mine roll down my cheeks. It was pure bliss: I had never cried out of joy until today.
"Look now, I have happy tears!" I joked, playfully nudging Ruby as he laughs. His laugh was a reassurance to me. I needed that reassurance: that I can make someone's day through laughter. Such a reassurance mattered to me because it came from him. He took my face in his hands and gently wiped away a rolling tear with his sleeve as we maintain eye contact. This was it! This was the time to kiss! Unfortunately, a wave of resent washed up and I grew hesitant to kiss him. Instead, I buried my face in his chest, laying atop of him as I hummed in pleasure. I could honestly stay like this forever.
The air in the room was filled with soft music and vulnerability. I was finally his as he was mine.
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Hey y'all! I'm glad you're doing well. I hope you're coping well and I'm beyond grateful for taking your time to read.
So I got writer's block (hence not posting for so long) but I'm glad to finally finish this chapter! Hope my attempt at fluff was not too cheesy and I hope it has been well executed.
I'm not very good at English, and I'm only attempting to write to de-stress. I hope I managed to build a good story regardless.
Send over some suggestions as well (every suggestion counts). I would love to hear some feedback on my story.
Take care of yourself and do what you love doing! I love you!
Bisous,
Rxco.