veritas odit moras
truth hates delay
* * *
Conrad sat with me as they let the poison run through my body. I tried to put on a brave face for him. Normally, no one was with me, and I was able to freely show my pain. I tried not to on the rare occasion that mama came. Dad never came, but mama told me she didn't see dad much either.
If I was being honest, I'm not sure I would be able to recognize dad. I couldn't really remember a time that I had seen him.
I opened my eyes, watching Conrad as he spoke. He was telling me a story about his younger brother. He was my age, and a part of my heart squeezed at the things that boy was able to do that I wasn't. In a way, I was living through his brother, putting myself in the story and wondering what I would have done in his place.
From the sound of it, Conrad's brother, Julian, always seemed to be in some type of trouble. I got the sense that Conrad was a good brother. He seemed to be the one pulling him out of trouble. It made me wonder what life would have been like if I had an older or younger sibling.
"How is your mama?"
Conrad smiles at me, "she's better. Going to get out tomorrow actually. Dad's ready. He hates having her away from the pa-...house."
Fear suffocates me as I try desperately to not show it.
"You're...you're leaving?"
Conrad frowns, his eyes staring at me for a long moment before he reaches for my hand.
"Ares. I'll still come and see you. You're stuck with me until you tell me to go away."
I give a soft laugh, not wanting to easily accept his words. Mama had said that. That she would come and see me. She did, but not as much as I wanted. I knew it was selfish to ask for her more. I wasn't dumb to think everything would stop because of me. That the world would not move to allow time to be given to me.
I nodded at Conrad, but stopped my heart from responding to his words. It caused less pain when,-in the days to come- I stared at nothing but my four white walls. It caused less hurt, to not have me waiting anxiously with eyes on the door.
I feel pressure on my hand as he squeezes, "I mean it, Ares."
There is a sincere look in his eyes. I think he believes he's telling the truth. That he really will visit in the beginning, but time gets to people. No one wants to see a sick girl fighting a losing battle. I know I wouldn't. I would want to be outside in the real world, living my life without that sadness hanging over me.
I don't say anything, and I think I've made Conrad upset. I see tension in his jaw as he continues to hold my hand.
A man steps into the room, his eyes falling on us. He walks forward, his stride purposeful as he makes his way.
"Sir, it's time to go."
"Go back down and wait and don't ever tell me when it's time for me to do something," Conrad snarls.
I shrink back in my chair, scared all of a sudden of how Conrad changed. His eyes blink and he looks at me with...I think it's guilt. Or regret. I think he is upset at showing me that.
I knew he was a dragon, but I had not thought he was a dragon that had the capability to hurt others.
The man doesn't say anything. He only lowers his head before turning and leaving.
"Conrad..." I hate how small my voice is. I wonder if maybe this is a hallucination, and the drugs caused my mind to twist his face into something...bad.
"I'm sorry you had to see that," he leans closer, letting his forehead touch the hand he holds. He looks up, his dark eyes piercing into me.
I want to reach for him, but the needle in my hand stops me. Instead I smile at him, hoping to make the moment go away, and for us to go back to what we were before that man came.
* * *
Conrad comes everyday.
It has been a week since my dragon decided I needed his protection. A balloon of relief and pure joy pops within me every time he walks through the door.
Today, he surprised me by bringing his mama.
She smiles down at me, her hand reaching out to stroke my head, and I am captured. I'm getting greedy with all of this attention. I can't remember the last time someone touched me with any affection. I want her to keep stroking me, to sit on the bed so that I can take in her scent and know if she is real.
"This is my mom," Conrad said.
She strokes my head again, almost like she can sense my desire.
"You can call me Rose," she said.
"Are you feeling better?" I ask. She doesn't look sick. In fact, with her light brown hair and matching eyes, she seems healthy to me. I want to look like her if I grow up.
"Yes, sweety," she sits on the bed next to me, wrapping her arm around me. "Thank you for asking. But how are you feeling?"
I hesitate. Usually, I tell Conrad the truth. He knows when I lie anyway. But Rose doesn't know me, so I answer, "I'm doing good." I match her smile, hoping she doesn't look at me with pity or sadness. I want her to love me. I feel bad that I'm asking so much from her, but I want her to look at me the way she looks at Conrad.
She looks around the room, glancing at the four white walls.
"Honey, where are your parents?" Her voice is kind. It's a trap I didn't see- how she was able to lure me in with her affection and soft touches.
Conrad's voice slices through the air. I shiver, because it's the same voice I heard when he talked to that man.
"Haven't been here all fucking week."
Rose turns around fast. So fast that I didn't see it and was left blinking in disbelief.
"Language," she said to Conrad.
He shrugs, "thirteen mom - I've done a lot of things worse than cursing and you know it. Besides, it's the truth."
He walks around to the other side, pulling up the chair he usually sits in. I give him my hand, knowing he will grab it anyway. At first, I felt guilty assuming he would take it. But as the days passed, I began to reach out to him on my own, not caring if he wanted to hold it or not.
My dragon was able to make me feel better with this small action.
"I was asking Ares about her parents Conrad," there is a disapproving tone in her voice. It fascinates me. I can't recall mama ever using a tone like that with me.
"Mama works a lot," I tell Rose. I'm slightly embarrassed that this pretty lady took the time to see me, only for me to talk about my family and how forgotten I am. I don't want her to look at me with less of the affection she already is.
"She visits me when she can."
"What does your mama do, honey?" Rose's hand continues to stroke my head. I don't ever want her to stop.
"Oh!" I love telling people this. I wish I could tell more people, but mama said the less who know, the better. I think it's okay to tell Conrad and Rose though, so I don't hesitate to brag about my mama. "She's a famous actress. She told me she's like Grace Kelly." I don't know who Grace Kelly is, but mama mentioned that she thought she looked like her once.
Rose has a strange look on her face, "maybe I know her? What's her name?"
"Juno Alrin," I proudly say.
"Your last name is Bellona?" Conrad said.
I wish he hadn't noticed that. "Uh..." I fidget, but then slowly respond, "mama told me that I have dad's last name. Mama has her own."
"Where is your dad?" I like Rose, but I wish she would go to a different topic.
"Can we talk about something else?" I plead. I don't like thinking about mama and dad. It made my chest hurt, and I worried that the machine that I had attached to monitor it would give away how I feel.
Rose gives me a gentle hug, and that movement seals how much I love her. I wish she was my mama.
Immediately I am horrified at my thought. Mama loved me. She said so every time she came. I shouldn't think that. I had a mama and she was good.
"I'm sorry sweety, yes we can talk about something else."
Rose stays for another hour. I love hearing her voice. I want to listen to it more. I ask her to tell me story after story about Conrad. Conrad scowls through a lot of them, but I can tell he is having fun.
I wait for Rose to leave before I turn to Conrad and sigh.
He looks at me, confusion on his face. I squeeze his hand, but the strength I have compared to him makes me wonder if he even felt it.
"You need to tell your mama that I'm dying. She keeps talking about how she's going to teach me to cook, but I don't think I'll be able to."
A look I've never seen before comes over Conrad. Fear- and anger. I've made him angry.
"You're not going to die, Ares."
A God of war knew that every time you went into battle, there was a chance you wouldn't come out alive. I knew that. I wish Conrad and Rose knew that.
I don't say anything in response. He is still glaring at me, willing me to agree with him, but I don't.
"Conrad..."
"No," he interrupts me, leaning closer so that he takes up the majority of my vision. "Don't say shit like that. I've found you and I'm not letting you go."
"I don't think it's up to you," I whisper. It's not up to me either. I wish it were. I know people tell me to fight and stay strong, but it's hard when the one you are battling is your own body. There's no way for me to command it to work. I wish it could. I wished everyday as I stared at my four white walls.
I can tell I've scared him. He is closer to me, his eyes unfocused as he stares at my hand that he is holding.
I reach over, touching the top of his head, and feeling how soft his hair is.
"I'm sorry," I said.
His head lowers in that familiar gesture as he presses his forehead to our joined hands.
"I'm sorry," I say the words again, knowing that I am apologizing for a lot of things. For being sick. For not getting better. For sometimes giving up. For knowing the truth and forcing it on him.
I feel a wet drop on my hand.
My chest hurts, and I wonder if the medicine is the one doing it, but a part of me knows the truth to this feeling.