Part One
I stood from my desk, stretching my neck muscles after slouching over the computer screen for too long. This design was taking more of my mental energy than I had given to a project in a while, and the label pushed the deadline forward to add in a limited edition release for another distributor. I had been working longer hours, but thankfully I was able to do it from home.
I decided to give my eyes and mind a rest, so I walked over to collapse into the corner of the futon against the opposite wall of the guest room I had converted into an office during lockdown. My position had easily transferred into a remote position, and it only required me to drive into the city to the company for the few meetings better suited for in-person than over video conference. I leaned my head back onto the cushion and closed my eyes, taking in deep, centering breaths, counting back evenly from 10 to 1.
A click, a door opening, and the sound of a keypad being disarmed had me sitting up with a start. Only a handful of people knew the code to my alarm. Only one person would be coming by unannounced though.
"Felix?" I called out into the house.
He shuffled into the doorway, shoulders slumped, and a heavy tiredness weighing down his features. "Hi." The bass of his voice had so little feeling in it. He offered me his attempt at a half smile, and my heart broke.
I raised my open arms out to him and beckoned for him to come to me. He obliged and trudged over to the futon, collapsing onto it with his head in my lap, looking up at me. Instinctively, my hands found his hair and my fingers combed through it. The resistance from the heavy product in it gave me an idea of why he was here.
"Bad day?"
His eyes closed and he let out an exasperate groan. "Bad, no. Just draining and I'm so exhausted that it's affecting me in front of the cameras. I'm having a harder time keeping up the Happy Yongbok persona right now."
I felt for him, always expected to be "on" since his life rarely existed without cameras pointed at him. My place just so happened to have become a safe space for him. Our friendship was a refuge for each other, and in this season I knew he needed shelter more often than I would. I pressed deeper into his scalp, letting my fingers massage the tender skin.
His eyebrows raised and a humming moan rumbled out of his throat and nose. His lips parted slightly in a content smile. "Thank you."
My free hand rested on his chest, softly patting the space over his breastbone in a consoling rhythm. One of his hands rose to rest atop mine, and he enveloped it warmly. A comfort surrounded us,
creating a small bubble of protection from the world around us so that nothing could break through to disturb us.
I rested my head back on the futon cushion and asked, "How long before you have to go back?"
He groaned. "Rehearsal is for 8. We've got the practice room scheduled until 2 am." A sniffle echoed in the small room.
My head snapped up and I looked down at him. His eyes were still closed but several tears now streamed down the sides of his face. I couldn't tell which emotion hit me harder right then: sadness or anger. This industry could drive me to rage some days with the asinine expectations they had for their idols. The human body and spirit could only take so much at one time.
I checked my watch. 4:47 p.m. I patted him resolutely on the chest with both of our hands. "Lix, get up."
His eyes opened and he stared up at me. "What? Why?"
"I said get up." I nudged him, wiggling my legs and hips to make him uncomfortable and to jostle his head until he sat up with a heavy sigh. He sat on the edge of the futon and wiped at his eyes, some of the eye makeup smudging at the corners. It shouldn't have, but it made him more handsome with its imperfection.
I stood and extended my hand out to him. With such an innocent trust, he placed his hand in mine and let me pull him to his feet. I tugged on his arm as a direction to follow me, and I led him to my bedroom which was just across the small hallway. I opened the door and stepped into the darkness, letting him follow right behind me. I stopped at my nightstand and turned on the tableside lamp. The light gave a soft glow, just enough to illuminate the bed.
When I looked over at Felix, his eyes were wide in shock and a note of fear. "What are you wanting?"
I smiled softly at him and squeezed his hand. "Yongbok, calm down. Let's take a nap. We both could use one."
The relief and gratitude that washed over his face made me want to cry. How many times had he been propositioned with a sexual motive for his response to be like that? Again, that war of anger and sadness took place in my heart. This was my friend, and he didn't deserve that.
"You can get as comfortable as you'd like. Just not Chris-level comfortable, please." I said as I reached behind myself and unfastened my bra. Slipping it off from underneath my shirt—which fascinated him—and walking over to my dresser to place it back in, I conducted myself in confidence and detachment so that he wouldn't feel any pressure to decipher whether this was some underhanded sexual advance or not. My shirt was long enough for me to take my pants off and slip a pair of sleep shorts on without exposing myself to him.
"I don't think you would mind if Chris was here and he was in a Chris level of comfortable." He made a face of mock disgust.
I smiled and laughed, knowing he didn't mean anything by it. "Not at all. Not. At. All." I pulled back the comforter and crawled in on my side of the queen-sized bed.
I tried not to watch him as he slipped his t-shirt and jeans off, just leaving his undershirt and boxers on. He followed suit and crawled in on the opposite side of the bed. The first thing he did was bring the sheets up to his nose and inhale, then he released a slow, content exhale. I cocked my eyebrow at him in question.
"It smells like you. Very comforting and earthy sweet." He shifted to his side to face me and tucked his arm under his pillow. "May I cuddle you? I don't know if I could take a nap with you and keep my hands to myself."
I couldn't help but laugh at him, returning his tired smile. "Of course. But, if you start getting handsy, I'm gonna tell." I yelped when he reached out suddenly and dragged me to him, wrapping his leg over my hip and tucking me firmly against his chest. I burst out laughing, feeling and hearing him do the same.
He kissed my forehead and then the top of my head. "And who are you going to tell? Hmm?"
The scent of him, the warmth of him, the sound of him, the closeness of him—it was an intoxicating cocktail of relaxation. I reflexively yawned and buried my face into his skin that was exposed above his wifebeater. I felt his arms tighten around me, and she shifted toward his back so that I was cradled across the side of his chest.
"Hey, Siri," I spoke up to my phone charging on the nightstand. "Set an alarm for 6:45 p.m. and go on do not disturb."
I felt him take a deep breath and sigh happily, "Sweet dreams."
"You, too."
I don't know that I've ever fallen asleep that quickly or slept that soundly before.
2 hours later, when my alarm sounded off, we were still in the same position. We had both slept that hard. That had been one of the best naps ever.
"Did I die and go to heaven?" His voice rumbled in my ear that was against his chest. He then stretched his leg that was somehow still over my hip and pulled me closer with it. That made me smile.
"How are you feeling now?" I asked.
"Much better. Thank you." He hugged me tight and let go so that he could get up and get ready to leave. He sat up, pulled the covers back, and slid his legs over the side of the bed.
I giggled, staring at the back of his fluffy bed hair. What a sight. He looked back at me over his shoulder and then pounced on me, tickling me until I was almost screaming in laughter. The way his own laughter joined mine sounded like healing music to my ears. There was a quick ceasefire and a playful bite to my upper arm before he crawled off the bed, laughing brightly to himself again. He hummed a song under his breath as he went into the bathroom and shut the door behind him.
That was the Felix I knew. That was the Felix who was my good friend. That was the Felix I would give my life to protect.
I got up shortly after him and shuffled into the kitchen to heat some water for coffee. I had a handful of instant iced americano packets, so I quickly made one for him while he freshened up to go back to the company building. I didn't tell him, but I had bought and hid a small bottle of hazelnut syrup in my cabinet just for him. I measured out the amount he liked in his coffee and mixed it in the travel cup. Popping a straw in, I finished just as he was walking into the kitchen, fully clothed and looking much brighter and lighter than when he had walked into my house earlier.
"One for the road," I held out the cup of coffee to him, and his face beamed.
"Thank you," He smiled immensely as he took it. Bringing the straw up to his lips, his eyebrows shot skyward and his eyes nearly rolled into the back of his head. Yes, I did it right. Walking over to me, Felix leaned down and kissed me briefly and sweetly on the lips. He pulled back, a champion smirk on his face, and said, "Until next time." Then he walked out the door.
I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move. I couldn't think. Felix just kissed me... WHAT?!
Part Two
Soft... and sweet... and so surprising...
Was he saying thank you?
It is just that he's comfortable with me?
Does he see us as more than friends?
Or... did he just want to kiss me?
My messenger pinged loudly, drawing me back into my body for the hundredth time that morning. I checked the clock. 9:32 a.m., meaning Felix kissed me 14 hours and 35 minutes ago. Not that I was keeping track of time. It probably meant nothing, just a friendly gesture because he's Felix. He's Felix. He loves everyone, wants everyone... or so his public persona is curated to be perceived that way. I know he's honestly not acting when it comes to the guys. He has such a deep, pure love for all of them that it often gets misconstrued as his want to bed them to some degree.
PING! Ugh. Seriously. Can't my project director tell that I'm ignoring him for a good reason??
I checked the messages (8 of them? Shit.) and noted what changes needed to be made to the project before I was to send this proof in by lunchtime. Focus, focus, focus! Get yourself together, delulu. You haven't even heard from him yet today so he's probably already forgotten it. It's Felix.
I messaged my PD back, reached for my coffee mug, turned up the volume on the NoonaRacha Hype playlist I found on Spotify, and hunkered down for the next mind-numbing 3 hours. Nothing was allowed to stop me except for my bladder. It was a mental game, but one I had learned how to play well over the years, much to the detriment of the outside world since nothing else exists when I'm in that particular work mode.
It passed quickly. Before I knew it, I was uploading the files to the server. I leaned back into my desk chair and let out a cry of pain when a nerve in my neck and shoulder pulsed sharply.
"Are you okay??" A male voice asked from several feet away.
I screamed and threw my gaze over to the couch where Felix was sitting, screaming back at me in alarm, with a book clutched to his chest and a look on his face like he was ready to jump up and kill whatever hurt me.
"What the hell, Yongbok!! How long have you been sitting there?? When did you come in?!"
He rolled his eyes and lowered the book to his lap. "I've been here almost 20 minutes. You were so zoned in that you didn't even see or hear me, so I just figured I would wait. I didn't want to interrupt you anyway."
Begging my pounding heart to calm down, I took a few deep breaths. "Sheesh, Lix." I shook my head, a little nervous laugh escaping. "I'm sorry. I just had a lot I had to finish before I take lunch."
His eyes lit up and he smiled, "Is that now? Are you done?"
I couldn't help it. His smile was so contagious, so I smiled back. "Yes, Yongbok. It's time for me to take lunch."
"Good! That's why I'm here. I brought you lunch." He scooted off the edge of the futon to sit on the floor.
I furrowed my brows and followed his movements down to find... a picnic laid out on a blanket on the floor. There was a box of fried chicken, a plate of cucumber kimchi (my favorite), a couple baked potatoes, glasses of water, plates & silverware, and a very small arrangement of flowers in the center of the blanket.
He spread his arms wide and grinned triumphantly up at me. "Lunch!"
My heart swelled at the sight. "Lix." I let out a happy sigh. "Thank you." I moved to stand out of my chair, but that nerve pain shot through my neck and shoulder again. I winced and hissed, grabbing for the area to rub it in hopes of relieving the pain.
Felix sat up straight, seeing me rubbing at my neck. "Come here." He moved to where he could stretch his legs out in a V and pointed to the floor between them. "Sit down. Let me see if I can help."
"It's just from sitting in that position for so long, but I'll let you work your magic." I made my way over to him and gently sat down between his thighs with my back to him.
"You can go ahead and eat while I do this." His fingers pressed along the curve of my neck where my hands had been before, feeling the tightness. "Show me where it hurts."
I bent forward, disconnecting his hand from my neck, which immediately felt cold away from him, and grabbed a plate and a couple pieces of chicken. I set them down in my lap and straightened up again. I pointed to the direction that the pain was radiating. I began eating and he began massaging closer to my spine.
I let out a groan of pleasure while I chewed as he pressed deeper into the strained muscle. His hands paused. He leaned closer to me.
With his mouth next to my ear, he asked softly, "Is it good?"
I nearly choked.
His laughter was beautiful and full as I coughed and regained my composure. He returned to massaging up my spine between my shoulders, then pressing into and stretching out the muscles on both sides of my neck and across the top of my shoulder. He pushed down on the joint of my arm and gently stretched my neck and head away from it. I was a ragdoll in his hands, aside from raising the chicken to my mouth and chewing.
After close to 5 minutes and several pops of my neck vertebrae, I was out of pain. Felix honestly was a wonder worker, even though the guys would tease him for how much he enjoyed giving massages. For his reward, I grabbed a drumstick and handed it over my shoulder to him.
He laughed and took it from me. I shifted so that I could move to where I could see him and talk to his face. He made a "nom" sound before devouring the chicken. We both smiled at each other, and it came to my attention just how comfortable it was to be here with him. I could have been awkward and overanalyzing everything, but there was just something about Felix that made me relax and be myself around him.
We ate and chilled. I asked him about rehearsal briefly, but then we got onto the subject of songs that we're vibing to currently. Before we knew it, we had eaten everything that Felix had brought for lunch, and I was letting out a monster yawn.
Then I caught his eye. He had a playful grin on his face and one eyebrow raised in jest. He cleared his throat and licked his lips.
He licked his lips. Those lips. The ones that kissed me yesterday.
I shook my head to clear my thoughts.
"You just thought about it, didn't you?" He asked coyly. My face turned beet red, confirming his suspicion. "Me too," He smiled.
I took a deep breath and braved the question, "Why did you kiss me?"
I thought that maybe he would be shy about it, but Felix surprised me with his straightforwardness. "I started to like you a while ago, and I've been wanting to show you. But, I know you have a lot on your plate, so I didn't want to burden you with a big confession. Saying thank you for your thoughtfulness yesterday felt like the perfect moment. We're friends, and if you want to take a chance to see if there's anything else... that simple kiss was a safe place to start."
"What was that about not burdening me with a big confession?" I tilted my head to the side and chided.
"Haha." He rolled his eyes at me. "I'm serious though. No pressure. You don't have to answer right away, or ever if you're not interested in me like that. We're friends first."
I immediately relaxed. He had such a crazy way of calming my nerves. That was one of the reasons why I clicked with him well when I first met him and the rest of SKZ. They were all amazing, but somehow Felix worked his way into my heart.
I yawned again and checked my watch. I could take an extended lunch since I finished and submitted all those graphic files on time. I just needed to check my communications to make sure nothing was waiting for me.
"Gimme a second." I got up to my feet and walked over to my computer. I synced all my communications accounts with the company, and there was one message waiting from my director.
Looks great. I won't hear back from the uppers until tomorrow, so you can log off for the rest of the day. I'll call if there's an emergency.
I did a giddy little dance, making Felix laugh and ask what it was for. "I've got the rest of the day off!" And immediately following, I yawned again.
Felix stood and held out his hand to me. "It's my turn. Let's go, Darling."
I giggled nervously and placed my hand in his. He pulled me around the picnic setup and led me toward my bedroom. Once inside, he followed the same path I did yesterday: turning my bedside lamp on, walking around to the opposite bedside, pulling his shirt and jeans off, and sliding in under the covers. When he saw me still standing at my side of the bed, staring blankly at him, he patted the mattress next to him.
"I need a nap. You need a nap. I've got time. You've got time. Get your ass in this bed right now."
My eyes widened and my eyebrows shot up toward the ceiling at his command. I snorted softly, trying to suppress a laugh, but I was met with his own chuckle. He held the hand that patted the mattress up into the air toward me, curling his fingers in a teasing "come hither" way. That was all I needed to fully laugh and start getting comfortable to take this nap. I followed suit from yesterday as well: bra off and pants traded for a pair of sleep shorts. I crawled into the bed and was tackled by his arms. He made a lighthearted growling noise and dragged me close to him. He tucked me against his side and laid onto his back. He took my arm and draped it across his torso, then rested his hand on top that arm.
Everything about him was warm. The mixture of that and my belly being full after his thoughtful lunch set me on a quick path of falling asleep. Before I went fully under, I mumbled, "Let's not make this a habit."
"Oh, I definitely plan on making this a habit." He chuckled.
And I was out.
Part Three
Oh god, it felt good. Every touch, every move, every thrust. I was so close. We were gaining. So close... So... close... And, there they were, the exploding lights and release of tension and shudders that took over my body.
I let out a satisfied moan and woke up to a sharp gasp in my ear. I slowly opened my eyes to meet Felix's startled orbs so close to my own. I was panting into his neck. One of my hands was clawing his chest and the other had a handful of his hair in its grip. He was on his side facing me, and in my sleep I had hiked my leg over his hip. In order to confirm what I believed to be true, I shift my hips forward and my still sensitive core was only separated from his fully alert hardness by my underwear, the thin fabric of my sleep shorts, and his boxers.
He swallowed, staring me in the face, and let out a small groan when I shifted my hips to brush back down his length again. "Darling..."
"I'm sorry. I was dreaming." I apologized. I released his hair from my fingers and petted it down behind his ears, letting my fingers drift soothingly through his locks.
"It must have been a good dream." He said breathlessly. "I woke up to the sound of you..." He drifted off, his eyes going out of focus as if he was replaying it in his mind. "You sound incredible when you orgasm."
A little embarrassed, I asked, "Oh really?" I don't know where the bravery came from, but I let my hips shift forward again, dragging myself slowly up him, forcing myself to not let him know how much it excited me to feel how hard I made him. "Are you okay?"
I could see the restraint in his eyes. He was holding himself back from moving or doing anything that I may not want. But I wasn't coldhearted toward the pain in his face from having just experienced me climax literally on him in my sleep and the possibility of not having his own happy ending. I couldn't do that to him.
He groaned in frustration. "No, not really. You're in my arms. We're in your bed. And you're doing that."
I smiled wickedly. "Doing what? This?" As I said the last word, I pressed myself harder against him and moved along his length once more.
He drew his lip between his teeth and clenched his eyes shut. "Darling, please don't."
"I'll ask you again." I took the hand that had been playing with his hair and threaded it between his arm and chest to wrap around his back so I could pull him closer to me. "Are you okay?" He shook his head. "Do you need to cum?"
He opened his eyes to look into mine. Concern for me shouted out of them, but I smiled back. I wanted to do this for him. I don't know if there were romantic feelings behind the desire, but I cared about his pain and his frustration. And I knew I could remedy it. I wanted to be the one to do it for him.
"Just a simple yes or no will do." I smiled gently. His whispered, "Yes," was all the permission I needed, and I drew his lips to mine, greeting them gently at first. With the hand at his back, I grabbed his undershirt and began to tug upward on it.
In a surprising twist, he pushed me onto my back, rolling over on top, and sat back on his knees between my legs. He pulled his shirt off then leaned over to continue kiss me. I opened up to welcome him in, and our tongues danced with each other. His hand slid up under my shirt, exploring the soft texture of my skin until he reached my chest. Wrapping his hand around one breast, his thumb grazed lazily across the peaked mound, eliciting a soft moan from me.
I reached down to hook a finger in boxers. "These," I spoke into out kiss, "need to go."
With a chuckle, he paused the kissing to push his boxers down and kick them further under the covers. He sat back on his haunches again, the covers falling down around us, his hands resting on his thighs, all of him exposed in his shining glory. He was staring down at me with such a hunger that butterflies erupted in the pit of my stomach.
This didn't feel wrong at all. I stared back at him through the valley between my bent knees. He was beautiful. All of him.
"I want you, Felix." I broke the silence between us. The light in his eyes shined brighter at my words. His happy smile was my answer. I lifted my hips, beckoning him to remove my clothing from me. His nimble fingers curled into the waistband of my shorts and underwear at the same time and he slowly slid them down together. He bent down to kiss the tops of my thigh from the crease of my hip to my knee. My legs began to tremble in anticipation as he brought his kisses to the other leg.
I looked back down to him again as he crawled up my body. He was every bit of what I imagined he was underneath his clothes. And a giddy feeling rose up when I noticed the curve upward in his manhood. I needed him, and I needed him now. I wrapped my hand around him and tenderly pulled him toward my entrance.
"Felix." I said bluntly. "Don't tease me."
He showered kisses to my neck and collarbone as he let me guide him to the very place I wanted him. Hovering there, he took my legs one by one and hooked them over his hips. Dipping his tongue into the soft spot at the base of my throat, he slowly entered me, lifting my hips and angling them to gain deeper access. I craned my neck back, burying my head into my pillow, and let out a few expletives as he filled me. With a gradual retreat, what my body foresaw happening came true: the upward curve of him made strong contact with my g-spot every time he passed it. My eyes nearly rolled into the back of my head. Indecipherable sounds were rising out of my chest as he took his time to set the pace.
"I want you to touch me." His voice was soft but firm as he breathed deeply in tandem with the rolling of his thrusts between us.
I obliged, letting my hands explore his body within my reach. I ran my fingers and my nails down his back, adventuring across the landscape of his V-cut and his behind. He shifted my hips and the minute angle change had his bell ringing my own with harder friction than before.
I whimpered into his mouth as he leaned over to kiss me. "Felix, I..." The tension was building much faster than I was ready for. "I'm going to..."
Pulling away—but not out—he reached toward the headboard and grabbed the pillow he had been sleeping on, telling me to lift my hips enough to slide it under for me to rest back on. That eased some of the pressure building once he began to pump into me like before, but it was not enough. I felt like I was just rising to the surface for one big gulp of air before continuing to drown. How in the world could he feel so good inside of me?
"Darling," he spoke up, "I've dreamed of this countless times."
The timbre of his voice and the way he was looking down at me made me completely melt.
"And how does this compare?" I asked as my fingers danced across his chest. I did just as he had with me earlier, palming his pec while playing circles on it with my thumb.
"This is everything a dream could never be. You are perfect."
He grabbed one of my hands and brought it up to press a trail of kisses from the inside of my wrist up my forearm. My soft moans must have unlocked something in him because he began to drive harder into me. He let go of my wrist and scooped his hands under my hips and the pillow to lift me up higher and closer to him. His force strengthened, the impact multiplying the electrical currents pulsing in a frenzy through my core. The exquisite sensation of him dragging his head over and over my g-spot almost had me in tears.
And it built and built and built, until the uncommon happened. With grunts and groans and words, we climaxed together. Before I was able to even breathe, my legs locked around his narrow waist with violent shaking, he collapsed on top of me. His chest heaved with every inhale. He was completely spent. I was utterly unraveled.
"Don't move." I whispered for fear of breaking the spell of the moment. That had been perfection. There was no other way to describe it. Never before had I been with someone and it felt that way.
He let out an exhausted chuckle. "I'm not going anywhere."
And something inside of me clicked. It was like we had been walking this path all along, and finally we had a destination. This was it.
"Good. Stay. With me."