Remus' POV
I don't know when, or how, but at somepoint I made it back to my dorm room. My mind was still swimming with thoughts of Theodora. Little did I know she wasn't.
How could she do that to me? Withhold the last words my mother ever wrote to me and keep it a secret. Not to mention the cheating with Regulus, the emotional trauma she caused me. I mean every time I get mad she just gets upset and makes me feel bad. Guilt tripping me into forgiving her. Not this time. This time I'm done with her bullshit. If she wants me back she needs to truly apologise and tell me the truth. I can't stand all her fucking lies.
Do I feel bad about what I said to her? Yes... A little...okay a lot. I feel horrible. But I needed her to leave me alone. It seemed like the only way. I knew she wouldn't be able to stand the sight of me anymore if I said all of that. And some of it was true. But some of it very much wasn't. I do love her. I've always loved her. I never stopped loving her. It's true though, that it's gotten harder to love her then it was when they were kids.
I've seen all of her now, all of her ugliness, all of her sadness, her trauma, her pain. I used to think that I had the most pain of all my friends. And yes maybe that's true physically, but I've realised I'm not alone in my pain. Sirius, James, Theodora they're all in such pain. All the time. I guess I shouldn't feel so sorry for myself. But I can't help it. None of them know what it's like to be ripped apart month after month. To be caged up and want to teat yourself to pieces.
I fall into bed at some ungodly hour and sleep washes over me. Only to be woken with a jolt by a distraught Sirius.
"Remus, Remus wake up. Remus cmon it's urgent."
"Fuckin hell Pads what time is it?"
"5am."
"This better not be fucking quidditch pra-"
"It's Teddy."
I think somehow I knew. The moment he woke me. I knew it was her. I knew something had happened. I sent her away. The only person to ever love her, to take her in and adore her, the only person to protect her wholeheartedly, sent her away. I abandoned her. I sent her to her death.
"What's happened?" I whisper, not daring to speak any louder for fear my shaking voice would give me away.
"She's missing." I breathed a sigh of relief.
Not dead yet.
"What?"
"She didn't come back last night. No one can find her."
"Have you checked the map?"
"She had it."
"Fuck."
"Yeah."
"Um okay, give me one second." I leapt out of bed and threw on my boots and cloak over my dress shirt and trousers from the night before. I looked horrendous but that didn't matter. Nothing mattered except finding her. I couldn't be responsible for her death. I couldn't let her die. Not after everything.
Sirius and I raced out of Gryffindor tower towards the grounds.
"Where are we going?" Sirius asked as they ran.
"Our spot."
"Which is?"
"By the lake."
"Okay, yeah okay."
They ran and ran and ran. Chests heaving, noses running, eyes bleary.
"Hey wait!" Sirius stopped suddenly on the grass, leaning down to pick something up. An old piece of parchment, crumpled and slightly damp from the dew-drop grass but still recognisably, the marauders map.
"Fuck where is she?!" I looked around aimlessly trying to spot her slim figure in the dark. Sirius scoured the map, internally begging to see her name in some hidden corner of the castle. His face dropped.
"What? What is it? Where is she?"
"Remus..."
"Sirius where is she?!"
"Lake." Is all Sirius could manage to say before I had taken off. I stumbled and sprinted down the hill until I reached the freezing pebbles at the lake's edge. I stripped off my cloak and threw it behind me, wading into the water, squinting to try and see her.
Please be alive, please, please, please.
Then I saw it. Hair, splayed out around her, skin pale and glowing like a ghost, her body floated out further and further into the lake but she didn't move, not a finger. I dived under the water, spluttering in the icy water. When I reached her she still wouldn't move. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
I pulled her body into my arms and swam back with every ounce of energy left in my body. She felt so light, so cold, like some sort of humanoid snowflake.
"REMUS!" Sirius was screaming manically from the waters edge, trying to wave me down. I tried desperately to follow the sound of his voice but couldn't tune out the screaming in my head.
FUCK FUCK FUCK IVE KILLED HER IVE KILLED HER IVE KILLED HER PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.
"Teddy cmon, hold on, I've got you cmon, please." I muttered to her as I dragged her along. At th lakes edge her body flopped onto the ice-block stones. I shivered uncontrollably as I pulled at her gown, trying desperately to untie the suffocating corset from around her chest. I pulled at the laces but nothing would work with my shaking hands.
"Cmere, stop, stop!" Sirius pushed me aside and I sat shivering on the pebbles as he tore through the front of the corset and pushed her hair out of her face. He started pumping on her chest, counting under his breath and adjusting her head forward before leaning down and blowing hastily into her mouth.
I think at somepoint I stopped breathing, as I waited for her to breathe. Like my brain couldn't let me breathe when she wasn't. Like I couldn't live without her. I can't live without her.
"Come on Teddy please!" Sirius wailed pumping harder and harder until I heard a stomach-churning crack. There go her ribs...again.
"Come on, come on, breathe Teddy. BREATHE FOR FUCKS SAKE BREATHE-"
A cough, a splutter and a desperate gulp of air. The world stopped as she came back to it. Shaking, vomiting water, gasping for breath, but alive. That would do.
Sirius layed her back on the stones as her chest heaved and he struggled to regain his own breath. He saved her. Sirius saved her. I couldn't save her. I really was wrong. When she needed me I couldn't do it. I didn't save her.
"Teddy, teddy stay with me." Sirius shook her as her eyes threatened to close again.
"Ouch." She croaked and Sirius laughed.
"Cmon, hospital wing, let's go." Sirius lifted her effortlessly.
"Rem gimme your coat." Sirius instructed and I did as I was told, struggling to my feet and passing Sirius the coat. He carefully covered up Theodora's chest while holding her with one arm like she was weightless. He did it all with such ease it was like second nature to him. Like something he'd done a thousand times.
He walked steadily, with his usual confident stride. I trudged behind him in my soaked clothes, still shaking uncontrollably but not quite conscious enough to cast a warming charm.
In the hospital wing Poppy took us in, tutting at the state of us and easily casting drying spells on us all before shooting the Sirius and I away to care for Theodora.
"You alright mate?" Sirius asked cautiously.
I couldn't think of an appropriate response so a simple shake of the head would have to do.
Sirius nodded in response but stopped me in the corridor, holding my gaze for a second before wrapping his warm arms around me. He held the hug for so long I began to think he may never let me go, but when his tears began to soak through my shirt as he silently cried I realised this hug wasn't for me.
Sirius needed my comfort so I let him hold onto me until he his sobs became muffled sniffles and he stepped away, wiping at his face.
"Sorry." He croaked.
"Course." I nodded. "You alright?"
"That was terrifying."
"Yeah."
"How are you so-"
"Not my first time."
"Right...still..."
"Sirius?"
"Yeah?"
"I don't really want to talk about it."
"Right."
"Can we just-"
"Yeah."
So we walked in silence. Down the corridors, through the portrait hole, up the stairs and into the dorms. Sirius went to find James and the others to tell them Teddy was safe and I stepped into the bathroom. The sun was beginning to rise and the sky was a dusky blue. The bathroom felt more cold and grey than ever. I sat on the edge of the bath and stared at the freezing tile.
I don't know how many more times I can do this. How many more times I can watch her destroy herself. It hurts too much. I love her too much. I can't live without her but she can't seem to stay alive long enough to love her. I need to talk to her, really talk to her. I need to tell her everything in my mind. The truth. No more lying, or arguing, or crying. I need to know that this won't be the rest of my life, chasing after a woman always two steps ahead and running into the dark.
Theodora's POV
My body aches. Every bone in my body feels like lead.
"Ms. Malfoy"
Ouch, that stings.
"Ms. Malfoy?"
Stop it stop it stop it.
"Theodora?"
I open my eyes. Madam Pomfrey stands at my bedside with a glass of something and a furrowed brow.
"How are you feeling dear?", she sets the glass on the bedside table and sits beside me. It's brighter now. Morning. No Remus.
"Sore."
"That's to be expected. Are you aware of what happened to you?"
"I um, I drowned. And, and Sirius he saved me."
"Yes, Mr.Black did indeed resuscitate you. In doing so however he broke several of your ribs. I've given you a dose of skelegrow to get your bones healing faster but you will experience some pain for period."
"Okay."
"Theodora-" she takes my hand and squeezed. She looks so concerned, so genuine. I'm not really used to people looking at me like that. She looks like- well, like a mother.
"Dear, we're quite concerned. This is not your first time in here in a similar situation. Could you tell me what happened?"
"I- I don't...I just couldn't do it."
"Do what dear?"
"Live." My bluntness seems to shock her slightly, she flinches when I say it but she doesn't yell or scream or punish me she just nods stokes my hair and stands.
"Alright dear, take your rest now Professor McGonagall and Dumbledore want to speak to you soon."
"Okay...Madame Pomfrey?"
"Yes dear?"
"Has anyone...has anyone come to-"
"Mr Potter, Black, Pettigrew and Ms Evans were hear this morning but I insisted you needed to rest. I'm sure your friends will be by to visit you again soon."
No Remus.
"Okay, thank you."
"Of course dear."
No Remus, no Remus, no Remus.
"Theodora?"
McGonagall's voice pulls me from my thoughts. I look up to see her face, taught and pale and tired looking.
"Professor."
"There are some things we need to discuss."
"Alright."
"Professor Dumbledore and I have spoken at length and I'm afraid we have come to the conclusion that perhaps Hogwarts is not the best place for you anymore."
"Oh."
"We have arranged for you to be moved to St.Mungo's hospital this afternoon to continue your recovery and stay for some additional psychological treatment."
"Oh..."
"I'm afraid there is no other option here Theodora. We would of course like for you to continue your studies here at Hogwarts but in your current condition that doesn't seem like a viable option. You are to complete 12 weeks of treatment at St.Mungos, after which we will re-assess the situation. Does this all make sense to you?"
"Yes."
"Very well then. I will have your things packed and sent to St.Mungo's ahead of you arrival. We will leave at 7 this evening so say your goodbyes."
"Okay."
"I'm very sorry Theodora."
"Okay."
I barely register what she's saying and then suddenly she's gone, leaving nothing but the swinging hospital wing doors. I'm leaving, they're sending me away. It's all my fault it's all my fault it's all my fault.
No Remus.
I need him, I need his arms around me, I need him to tell me it'll all be okay, I need him to tell me he loves me even if he really doesn't. I just need him.
Time passes slowly as I wait for a familiar face to scurry through the doors and embrace me before I go, to tell me they'll miss me, assure me they'll visit. No one does.
No one visits.
No one checks on me.
No one knows.
4pm: No Remus.
The door swings open. A short stocky brown haired boy hurries through the doors holding his nose and dripping blood.
4:30pm: No Remus.
Nosebleed boy leaves. Madame Pomfrey forces skelegrow down my throat. I want to cry.
5pm: No Remus.
Pomfrey brings me fresh clothes and helps me change into them. They're soft, they smell like soap, I wish they'd smell like him.
5:30pm: No Remus.
I pick at the tray of food Madam Pomfrey brings me. I can't eat now. I can't think, I can't breathe, I need to say goodbye.
6pm: No Remus.
"Madame Pomfrey?"
"Yes Dear?"
"Could you get me a quill and some parchment please?"
"Of course dear, no problem."
She brings me a large roll of parchment and a self-inking quill. I begin my scribbles.
Dear Sirius,
I leave tonight for Merlin knows how long and I'm not sure if I'll see you again any time soon so, what I really want to say is, thank you. You saved my life, quite literally. You are one of the few people on this world who I feel truly understands me. We're more alike than you think you and I. Please take care of yourself, and Remus. Don't be too harsh on Reg, he means well...usually.
You have been the greatest friend and fellow outcast a girl could ask for. I will cherish our memories eternally..
So, again, thank you and goodbye Sirius Black.
Yours truly,
Teddy.
Dear James, Dear Peter, Dear Lily, Dear Marlene, Dear Mary.
I write and write and write until my hand aches and my eyes are blurry with tears and exhaustion. With my last ounce of energy I write one final letter.
Dear Remus....