It was dark and cold, and I was thankful. All I had been doing from my loose fetal position on my hotel bed was stare at the light peeking in at the seam where the curtains just didn't quite meet and cry in waves. I couldn't get out of the bed this morning. I told the staffer sharing this room with me that I needed a sick day, and she called it in for me. I've been lucky with the staff I'm working with on this tour.
There was a knock at my door, but I didn't have the energy to get up and answer it. So I didn't. They would go away. There should have been a 'do not disturb' sign on the door.
The knock reverberated against the door again, but a voice followed it. "Noona, open up please."
Why is he here?? All I wanted today was to be left alone, to grieve in privacy. On this tour, there was someone up my ass or someone whose ass I was up nearly 24/7.
"Noona, please? Don't make me go get a key for your room just to make sure you're okay." He spoke with kindness and concern through the door.
"Go away, Chris." I barely said above a whisper. I know for sure he didn't hear me, but I didn't have the strength to shout it at the door like I wanted to.
"Noona..." His distant voice drifted then disappeared for a few minutes. Then, all of a sudden, there was a sliding sound, a beeping, and a clicking sound before the door opened and Chris walked in. He tossed the spare keycard on the desk. "Noona?"
I looked at him out of the corner of my eye and saw him standing at the foot of the bed with his arms crossed. "What?" My flat tone drifted up to him.
"I know what today is for you, and you don't have to go through it alone."
Tears sprung to my eyes instantly. "Damn it, Chris. What are you doing here?"
"Being here for you because you're hurting."
That was it. The dam against my emotions broke again. I curled in harder on myself and sobbed. I didn't even realize he had kicked off his shoes and climbed into the bed until I felt his weight and his warmth blanket my back and wrap over my side.
"You're safe with me. You can cry as much as you need to. I'm not going anywhere." He spoke soothingly from right behind me.
"But... but... the ra-d-dio show... and first sound check?" I stuttered through the hiccups that accompanied my crying so hard.
"That's already over. You've been in the room for hours by yourself. I was getting worried. Then one of the staff mentioned the date and that you weren't feeling good. And it clicked."
"Oh," was all I could say before the tears started flowing freely again.
He reached over me and tugged until I had turned over and was facing him. "Come here," he said and pulled me closer to him, enveloping me in his arms. He pressed a kiss to my temple and hugged me. And I cried even harder against him. He didn't move except to pet my hair or rub calming circles on my back. I had to have been destroying his shirt.
"I'm sorry. Your shirt..." I gained my composure enough to try to wipe my face with my sweatshirt sleeve rather than his shirt.
"You're just trying to get me out of it, aren't you? Naughty Noona."
I didn't think I was capable of laughing at that moment, and it surprised me when I did. But then I shook my head and let out a deep sigh, "Rules are rules, dongsaeng."
He groaned and squeezed me tighter. "It's bullshit. Plus, you've seen me a hundred times without a shirt on."
"That's not the same."
"Not fair is what it is. I feel like we should make it even. Why don't you take yours off? I'll help." He took a hand and began tickling down my side toward the hem of my oversized sweatshirt.
I gasped before bursting into laughter and tried to flail to get out of his grasp, but he held me tightly. "Chris! Stop!" I laughed so hard when he realized how ticklish I was and began to do it more. I squealed into his chest and yelled, "Christopher! Oh my god!"
A hard knock rapped against the hotel room door, and we both froze.
"I bet I know who it is." He whispered, giggling to himself before letting me go and scooting off the bed. He reached up and flipped one of the bedside lamps on.
"Ack. Whyyyyyyy?" I grumbled, flinging my arm over my face.
He began singing, "Don't be suspicious. Don't be suspicious..." as he shuffled away toward the door, dancing like on the scene the song was from.
I tried to laugh quietly to myself, but it sounded more like a car that wouldn't start. I heard him open the door and talk to someone in the hallway. I recognized the baritone voice as one of his security detail. Phrases like "it's not like" and "just tickling", "be careful" and "really sad" drifted in through the crack of the door. It reminded me why he was here in the room with me. I had forgotten that I was a staff member and he was a client. I had let it slip my mind that I have a job to fulfill in regard to him, because he made it so easy and comfortable to be around him, to be myself around him. All of us staff honestly looked at SKZ as our family to take care of and support.
It was a bit sobering, and I didn't like it at all. Especially not today. Specifically when he was being the very thing that I needed. Was I strong enough to allow this tiny slice of comfort to overrule everything that was real life outside that door?
I didn't even hear him close the door and walk back into the room. He was standing next to the bed when I uncovered my face from my arm and looked up at him with tears streaming out of my eyes again. His expression shifted starkly, his brows drawing close together and deep concern coloring his gaze.
"What is it?" He asked.
I blinked, sending several more tears down my cheeks, and just raised my arms out to him. My chin quivered as I struggled to say, "Please, just hold me again?"
His disposition softened from head to toe, understanding. He crawled back onto the bed and over to me, stretching out and drawing me close to himself once more. He tucked my head against his chest, resting his cheek on top of my head, and wrapped his arms and a leg around me.
"Did you get in trouble for being here?" I whispered, afraid to ask and find out he would have consequences for spending time alone with me.
His voice rumbled through his chest first, dulcifying his words even more, as I heard it in one ear and felt it in the other. "No, I had already let him know where I was going before. He was just checking on me and on you to see if you needed anything... and to warn me not to be careless with you."
A corner of my heart warmed at that. "That's a good man. He single?" I heard his heart begin to race, causing my eyes to widen. "I mean, I've always been attracted to protectors."
"I'll uh... I'll put in a good word for you." He mumbled.
"Oh? Thank you. Do you think I'm his type?" I teased, sniffling.
His arms tensed. "I hope not." His heart was pounding in his chest.
I was mesmerized by the sound and feel of his pulse. It was hypnotic with how strong it was. "Nah, he wouldn't want me. I'm a mess right now." And then I registered what he said. "What do you mean, you hope not?"
He took a deep breath, lifted me along with his torso. "Just what I said. I hope you're not his type."
I lifted my head from his chest, making sure that my tear stained, red-rimmed, puffy eyes were looking directly into his. "Because I'm a mess?"
He tempered his gaze, unlike the heat radiating off his body and growing warmer the more we talked about this. "No. You're not a mess. You're amazing. But, because... if..." He trailed off, his eyes focused on mine.
I sniffled again. The way he was looking at me was making me nervous. "If what?"
He removed a hand from my back and brought it up to drag through his hair and down his face as if he was stalling and really didn't want to say what he'd been thinking. "This is going to sound bad."
My brows creased in confusion. "What? Why? Just say it."
While I was looking at him in the face, he laid his head back on the pillow and looked up at the ceiling as he said, "Because if you're his type, he's going to have to go through me to get to you."
My eyes widened intensely. "Wait. Chris?" I tapped his chest until he brought his head up to look at me again. "Am I your type?"
Without hesitation, he nodded. "Yes, you are. And so much more too."
My mouth hung agape as I gawked at him. "ME?"
He half-smiled. "Yes."
I drew my hand up and pointed at my face. "Me?"
He rolled his eyes and let out a short, rueful laugh. "Yes, you. Why is that so hard to believe?"
"Because I'm not anybody's type. That's why I'm in this job. It was easy to sign that contract since I'm really good at being the workaholic older sister type and not in danger of being the love interest. That's how it's always been. 'Always the bridesmaid, never the bride'... That whole thing."
There was a flame of anger that lit behind his eyes. He sat up quickly, bringing me with him. He placed one hand on the top of one of my arms to hold me there, and the other hand lifted up to brush my loose hair strands back behind my ear. My face was inches away from his. He let his thumb slide over my cheeks to dry any stray tears left behind.
"That makes absolutely zero sense to me. I knew you were different the moment I first saw you walk through the doors. I immediately wanted to know more about you, but there are so many moving parts around us that I couldn't risk exposing my curiosity and bringing unwanted attention to you either. So, it's been slow going. I apologize for that."
Immediately, my mind began to wander, bringing up memories of Chris being more inquisitive in the interactions with staff regarding my likes and dislikes, things I enjoy doing on my downtime, my life back in my country, and things like that. I had never really paid attention to it, but now that I thought about it I could see where he looked for and after me a little more than the other female staff. It wasn't obvious, but his longer stares and lingering smiles whenever he would make me laugh were standing out in my mind now. The little thoughtful gifts that would randomly show up in my workspaces were almost always from him. I always thought his behaviors were 100% platonic and friendly because that is who he is.
I drew my bottom lip in between my teeth and began to nervously chew on it. He took his thumb and tugged it down, away from my chewing. His smile was tentative as he just let his words remain suspended between us.
"Is this not wrong?" My voice was hesitant while my mind was struggling to remain focused as his hands were then both rested on my shoulders at the collar of my sweatshirt, his thumbs dancing across the exposed skin with feather light touches. I wasn't about to tell him that my heart had been closed off for so long that I wasn't even sure if I could receive whatever he was wanting to give to me. I didn't want to trauma bond with him either.
He pressed his lips together in a frustrated line before answering me bluntly, "Is it wrong for me to like you? To want to know you? To be here for you in times like today when you need someone to share the burden with you? To want to touch you and make you smile and hear you laugh and make sure you're doing okay?"
"... No, it's not," I sighed, "But, we're both under strict rules."
He let out a throaty noise of annoyance and dropped his hands down to my hips, firmly grasping my thighs, and manhandled me until I was straddling his thighs and my face was again mere inches from his. "That changes nothing for me."
My eyes widened as I shifted my now alert gaze from his eyes to his lips and back again.
"You have no idea how much I have to hold myself back from buying things for you all the time because they make me think of you. Or how, everytime one of the guys sends a funny meme or video in the chat, I want to send it to you to make you laugh. Or how I look for you everytime we're at the JYP building or at events. Or how it's been driving me mad to be on this tour with you and not be able to spend all the time I want with you. You're on my mind so much."
This was all so overwhelming and I had no idea what to say.
"And today? Once I realized why you were missing, I was damn near worthless until I could get here and touch you and make sure you were okay. Lee Know almost punched me when I told him I was coming to check on you." His hands snaked around to my lower back, gently dragging me closer until our chests were touching.
My breath hitched. "He knows? About what you just told me?"
A slow nod. "He's too observant to keep things from."
"Ah..." The word faded into the room as I got lost in the seriousness of his eyes.
"Do you have anything to say about anything I've said? Anything to say to me?" There was a flash of vulnerability in his eyes. "Say something, please."
"This scares me, very much." I took a deep breath, tears welling up in my eyes. "But, you don't." A couple tears spilled over the edge. "I'm honored that you feel this way about me. No one has ever cared like this for me before, so I'm sorry if my reaction is reserved. I'm waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me and for you to say that it was all just a distraction, a joke, to make me feel better today."
He made a disgusted face and gently wiped the tears from my cheeks once more. "No, never. Especially to you." With full resolve, he pulled my hips toward him again until I was seated as close as I physically could be, our torsos absolutely flush against each other. He brought his arms up to wrap around my back and hold me tightly against him. "I want to make you happy, not confuse or hurt you."
"Really?" It was getting hard to breathe. The more he talked, the more my heart softened and warmed and began to believe. I felt completely safe right then, there in his arms and in this quiet space with just the two of us.
He nodded, leaning his forehead against mine as he said, "Yes. Really."
I pulled my face away from his just far enough to look at the digital clock on the nightstand. I knew his schedule and that he would have to leave for the venue in a little while. Looking back at his face, I gave him a soft smile and tenderly covered his lips with mine, showing him how I felt rather than telling him. His eyes slid closed as he met me with the same tender, slow affection. I could feel him smiling into the kiss. I was surprised by how that made me feel, and by the reaction of my thighs drawing together and squeezing him beneath me.
"Mm," He hummed against my mouth. "Slow down there, beautiful." He chuckled lightly and hugged me tighter. "We've got all the time in the world. There's no rush."
I blushed and laughed to myself. "Okay."
"So..." He asked, "does this mean you like me too?"
I looked up and directly into the quiet, joy-filled depths of his eyes. I couldn't help but smile back into them. "Yes. Yes, Chris. You are very much so my type."
"Good." His responding smile took up his whole face. "Good."
He closed the gap between us once more, enveloping my lips with his and making me forget that I had ever cried today. I would remember today's date for a whole new reason from now on. And it was all because of him. I held onto him closely, and I vowed to myself to never let him go.