"Yara, tapos ka na sa essay?" I looked up and nodded at my blockmate who approached me. Ibinaba ko muna ang hawak na libro para pagtuunan siya ng pansin.
"Why?" tanong ko.
She hesitated for a bit before, smiling at me. "Uh, hindi naman sa mangongopya ako, ha! Ano kasi... hindi ko lang masiyadong na-gets 'yong instruction ni Sir kaya... paano ba 'yon?"
I nodded and took a peek at my paper with my written essay. I explained to her what she's going to do and I could see her nodding.
"Ayon! Salamat, Yara!"
When she went back to her seat, I was left alone again. Inabala ko ang sarili ko sa pagbabasa ng libro habang wala pa ang susunod na professor namin. I sighed as I heard noises from my blockmates talking but, I remained silent.
It has been a year since I was saved from Portia's scheme. It's been a year since I was able to go back to my family. It's been a year since... that one painful slow dance happened.
I once looked forward dancing with someone but, never did I expected that I will be dancing with someone... with Janus in a bloody and vulnerable state.
It still feels like yesterday when I felt his weight falling to me. It's like yesterday when I felt him... lose his breath. It still feel like yesterday when I held him in my arms... bloody and lifeless.
Hindi ko na alam ang mga sunod na naganap no'n dahil nawalan ako ng malay. I just knew that I woke up at the hospital, seeing the worried glances of my family. I woke up without him.
"Yara, anak... gising ka na..." mahinang bulong ni Mama Kali nang makita ang pagmulat ko. She was crying as she approached me.
"M-Mama..." I whispered. Napapikit ako nang maramdaman ang mainit na yakap ng nanay ko. A tear fell down from my eyes as I hugged my mothet back.
"Anak, may masakit ba sa 'yo? Anong nararamdaman mo? Sabihin kay Mama," she cupped my cheeks with her eyes producing tears. My heart aches seeing my mother's restless face. Ang pag-aalala sa mukha ng ina ay nagpapadurog sa puso ko.
"M-Ma..." I muttered. I noticed my father entering the room and when our eyes met, I saw how tears fell from my father's eyes.
"P-Papa," tawag ko at wala pang ilang segundo, naramdaman ko na ang yakap ni Papa sa akin.
My father, who rarely cries, is now sobbing so loud while hugging me.
Ilang minuto bago kami tumahan. They helped me to sit and rest my back in the pillows. Hawak ni Mama ang kamay ko habang si Papa ay nakaakbay sa akin.
I looked around and suddenly remembered someone. Mabilis akong napaayos ng upo kaya napatingin sa akib ang mga magulang ko.
"M-Ma, Pa, si... si Janus..." The mention of his name is enough to make my brain remember what happened.
It aches my heart upon remembering how we danced despite his bloody and weak state.
"N-Nasaan po si Janus? Gusto ko po siyang makita, p-please!" I desperately looked at my parents, only to see them avoiding my gaze.
"Mama, Papa, nasaan po si Janus?"
The look on their faces are giving fear on my system. Pakiramdam ko ay hindi maganda ang kalalabasan ng sagot nila. Natatakot ako sa kung anong nangyari kay Janus.
He's fine, right?
"Papa..." I held my father's hand. I saw how his gaze dropped and a sigh so deep came out from his mouth. "Papa, n-nasaan po si Janus? Duguan po siya kaya gusto ko pong malaman ang lagay niya. Nasaan po siya?"
"Anak..." my father's voice reached my ears. Hinawakan niya pabalik ang kamay ko at bahagyang pinisil. "Why are you looking for him? He betrayed you, right?"
Those words punched my heart. I remembered how Janus fooled me and brought me to his mother just for me to get hurt. Sa lahat ng tao, hindi ko inasahan na magagawa niya 'yon sa akin. How fucked up life is.
But... he also betrayed his mother when he saved me that night. He promised me that he will let me out... only for him to get shot by his own mother.
Now, how will I still be mad?
"H-He saved me that night, Papa. Oo, galit ako sa kaniya pero..." I couldn't continue as I felt a lump on my throat. Naninikip ang dibdib ko dahil ang tanging imahe sa utak ko ay ang mahina at duguang si Janus na nakasandal sa akin.
'I love you, Yara.'
Those words from him brought pain, at the same time, happiness in my heart. He loves me enough for him to sacrifice his life but, it also pains me that we were brought to that situation. Bakit kailangang gano'n ang mangyari?
"Anak?"
I blinked. "J-Janus was shot, I can't... he's bloody and I'm afraid... I'm afraid to lose him..." pag-amin ko at tuluyang naiyak. Naramdaman ko ang yakap ng mga magulang ko sa akin.
"I'm sorry, anak..." my father whispered. "Janus is gone."
Parang kahapon lang nang marinig ko ang binalita ni Papa sa akin. Parang kahapon lang nang halos magwala ako dahil sa narinig. Hindi matigil ang pagluha ko at pagsigaw dahil sa nalaman ko. My parents tried to hug me but, the pain of hearing that he's gone is unbearable.
I couldn't believe that he's gone, for real. Ang unang lalaking pinagbuksan ko ng puso ko, wala na. Nagsisisi ako sa mga nasabi ko. Nagsisisi ako na hindi ko nasabi sa kaniya ang nararamdaman ko noong nagsasayaw kami.
The sudden sound of footsteps cut the train of thoughts in my head. Nang mag-angat ako ng tingin ay nakita ko ang mga ka-blockmate na nagsisilabasan na. I checked the time and sighed upon seeing that it's already lunch time.
Iniligpit ko ang gamit at sinilid sa bag ko bago ko 'yon kinuha at lumabas ng classroom. I walked slowly until I reached the canteen. Habang nakapila ay nagtitingin ako ng mabibili kong pagkain. When it was my turn, I bought the food and went straight to a place where I usually eat.
At the back of the gym. Mula nang malaman kong walang masiyadong tumatambay dito, ginawa ko na siyang lugar kung saan ako pupunta sa tuwing kakain ako o kung gusto kong mapag-isa.
I remembered in highschool, we also have our own place where we usually eat. The memory aches my heart. I ate silently as I stared at nowhere. Wala akong ganang kumain pero, pinilit kong ubusin ang pagkain ko dahil sayang ang perang pinambili ko kung hindi ko uubusin.
I suddenly heard footsteps so, I stopped eating and looked around. From a distance, I suddenly saw a silhouette of a man walking towards my direction. I squinted my eyes, my heart beating rapidly with the thought that seems impossible.
It may seems stupid but, I hope that... it's him. I imagined him showing up in front of me despite the news. After all these months, I still hope that the news is not true.
"Miss, it's rude to stare."
Napakurap ako nang makitang nakalapit na ang lalaki. I looked up to see his face and disappointment spreaded despite knowing that my thoughts are impossible.
Binalik ko ang tingin sa pagkain at hindi na lang pinansin ang lalaki. Narinig ko ang paglalakad niya hanggang sa maupo siya sa batuhan na nasa harapan ko lang.
My brows furrowed when I smelled cigarette. Nag-angat ako ng tingin at nakitang naninigarilyo ang lalaki sa harapan ko.
"Excuse me," I called him. Lumingon siya sa akin habang ang sigarilyo ay nasa labi. "Kumakain ako rito. Can you not smoke here?"
He suddenly chuckled and removed the stick from his mouth. Hinulog niya 'yon sa lapag at tinapakan kahit mahaba at bago pa ang stick.
"Pasensiya na, Miss. Akala ko hindi mo papansinin..." aniya.
"Paanong hindi ko mapapansin, nasa harapan kita?" sagot ko. Tumitig siya bago napailing at natawa.
"'Wag na mainit ang ulo," aniya at napakurap ako nang sa isang iglap ay nakita ko siya sa harap ko.
I shook my head. Nababaliw ka na, Yara. Hindi si Janus 'yan.
"You love staring at people, aren't you?" he suddenly said. Napapikit ako at kinalma ang sarili ko bago binalingan nag pagkain. Hindi na ako makasubo ulit dahil tuluyan nang nawalan ng gana.
Katahimikan ang bumalot sa pagitan namin. Hindi ko kilala ang lalaki pero, hindi ko rin siya mapaalis dahil... kailangan ko rin ng kasama. Pakiramdam ko kasi ay anumang oras, iiyak na naman ako dahil sa pag-alala sa kaniya.
"I'm Remus..." I heard the guy said. Napaangat ako ng tingin sa kaniya. He's staring at the ground as he spoke.
"Remus Samonte," aniya at nag-angat ng tingin sa akin. Natulala ako at unti-unti ay naramdaman ang pagtulo ng luha dahil sa apilidong narinig. I know it's impossible to think that this guy us related to him. Maraming Samonte sa mundo pero, hindi ko pa rin mapigilan ang emosyon ko.
I expected the guy named Remus to be shocked upon seeing my tears but, he only stared... like he knows the reason of my tears.