"Memory is like a curse. We fall into eternity, and memory is a weight that keeps pulling us to where we can never go back to."
― José Luís Peixoto, Antídoto"
Dread fills Roman. It feels as though his heart has stopped beating in his chest as she looks at him. It's only for a split second but it feels like a lifetime, and he is assaulted by memories of her. Grace leaves him handcuffed to the bed in the Salem Inn. Grace alternately trying to seduce him, taunt him, and escape him at the Ocoee cabin. Grace pretending to be Marlena in the motel near New Orleans.
This woman is not his wife.
She turns to look at Kim, the smile slipping from her lips and Kim is struck with the same certainty. This is not Marlena. This is not her sister-in-law, her friend of almost twenty years. This is a stranger, and a vicious, destructive one, at that.
"Doc..." Roman moans and Grace presses her eyes closed, wincing slightly. Then she turns her head to the right and flinches visibly as her hands curl into tight fists. She moans softly and presses her lips together, as if fighting an internal battle. Finally, her shoulders relax and the muscles in her face follow.
She opens her eyes and turns to look straight at Roman, her eyes warm and full of concern. "I'm sorry," she says softly, her eyes filling with tears. "I'm so sorry, Roman."
"Oh Doc," he launches himself at her and envelopes her in his arms, quivering with relief. "God baby, I was so scared for a minute then."
"What-?" Bo asks, not clear on what has just happened. Hope shakes her head in response. She has a fairly good idea of what just happened, seeing Marlena's glance at Roman.
"Roman, Roman!" Marlena struggles out of his embrace and pushes him back so that he's at arms-length. "I need some... can I have some space, please?" She swallows, her mouth dry and sticky. "Bo, could I have a glass of water?"
"Sure," Bo remains confused, but his questions remain unspoken. Instead, he goes over to the hutch and pulls out a bottle of sparkling mineral water. He twists the lid, the sound of the seal breaking strangely loud in the large room. He tips the bottle up, the water sloshing into a glass before he puts it back down on the mirrored surface which was cracked by the force with which his brother had slammed the vodka bottle down earlier.
He takes the glass back to Marlena and hands it to her.
"So, what happens now?" he asks. It's not aimed at anyone in particular. It's more a rhetorical question than anything, but he feels the need to break the painful silence that has descended since Marlena pushed Roman away.
"What happens now?" Marlena takes a mouthful of the water and swallows it before holding the glass on her knee. "The same thing that was always going to happen. I finish this. I make sure Carrie and Will go home."
"Doc, no!" Roman cries. "Honey, you can't!"
"Roman's right," Kim tells her. "Marlena, you... you are aware of what just happened, aren't you?"
"You spoke to Grace," Marlena's firm, steady voice belies the anxiety that is gnawing at the pit of her stomach. She remembers, all right. She remembers Grace murdering Alvaro Lloris with her hands. She remembers Grace taking her gun and emptying the clip into Lloris' brain, the life draining from his pale blue eyes as he tumbled over the side of the terrace.
And she remembers the way Grace spoke to the people she loves. The disdain and the pleasure at their distress. She can't subject them to any more of this madness. She can't make them spectators to her degradation, or even worse, accomplices to her crimes.
"Yes, and I'm pretty sure she lied to me, and it was Grace who came out of the trance, not you," Kim says sharply. "Was it?"
"No," Marlena lies almost too easily. Kim is, of course, too perceptive for her own good. Grace had indeed, mimicked her and had been the one in control when Kim had brought them out of the trance. But Marlena had fought her way to the surface, taking back her body when she realized what was happening. She won't let Grace hurt her family any more than she already has. If she has any control over it, of course.
And the easiest and most direct way of ensuring that, is making sure she's nowhere near her family.
"Doc," Roman digs his fingers through his hair in frustration. He's sitting on the floor now, in front of the sofa staring up at her, his face a rictus of fear and misery. "You can't continue this madness. You're not making any sense. This is making you sick."
"This is exactly what Stefano wanted," Hope reminds her. "You're playing right into his hands continuing with this."
"You need help, Marlena," Kim takes her hand. She doesn't believe Marlena for a moment when she says it wasn't Grace who was inhabiting her body for those initial moments. She has too much experience with alternate identities to be fooled. "You helped me when I was suffering from MPD. Let me help you now."
Marlena pulls her hand from Kim's and stands, stepping around Roman and crossing the room. She feels hemmed in and claustrophobic with her family clustered around her. She appreciates that they mean well. But as much as they try to promise her that she's not alone, they are wrong. She is alone. She's more alone than she's ever been. And she's out of options.
"The only help I need is to get our child and our grandchildren back," she says sharply. "And if you won't help me do what I need to do, then I don't need you. I can do this without you."
"You won't be doing it at all," Roman practically shouts at her. "Have you looked at yourself in a mirror lately, Marlena? You look like a fucking stranger. You're giving DiMera everything he wants. And what he ultimately wants is you."
"All that matters is that the children are safe," Marlena crosses her arms in front of her.
"No that's not all that fucking matters!" Roman scrambles to his feet and rushes at her grabbing her shoulders and shaking her. "You matter. We matter. Don't you understand Doc, I can't... I need you. I can't watch you walk into his clutches." He brushes the hair from her face. "Everything that we've been through... all the times we've saved each other from him. From his and his family's twisted games. You can't just let him win!"
"I'm not having this conversation!" she shouts back at him, putting her bent arms up between them and using them to bat away his touch.
"Marlena, you have to listen to him," Bo speaks up. "You... we love you, but Grace tried real hard to tear this family apart once before. You can't let her do it again. You can't let Stefano DiMera tear it apart."
"Stefano will take my children and all of you one by one until I have no one left," Marlena cries angrily. "Don't you get it? Don't any of you get it? He's not playing a game. It's me or it's all of you. One by one. Belle, Sami, Eric, Brady. Caroline and Shawn. Shawn-D. Andrew and Jeannie." She reels off each of the names in succession. Each name falls like a stone in between them. "Don't you tell me you wouldn't do anything to save your children? Every one of you. Because I know you would. You would move heaven and earth to keep your children safe. Well so would I. I have and I will."
"Marlena-" Hope starts.
"Oh, don't Marlena me, Hope," Marlena snaps. "If it wasn't for you, none of this would be happening in the first place."
"Don't blame Hope for this," Bo reacts angrily.
"Bo it's okay," Hope holds up her hand acknowledging both Marlena's claim and Bo's defensiveness. "Marlena is right, I know, and I can't apologize enough," she says softly. "I wish every day that I'd made different choices, but I can't change the past. I can only try and make up for it by helping you find Carrie and Will now."
"We also still wouldn't know who I really am," Roman reminds Marlena. "And don't forget, Grace took her pound of flesh in retribution. But honestly, I don't think it's fair to take your frustrations out on Hope."
Marlena glares at him and then past him to where Hope stands. Then her shoulders drop, and she sighs heavily. "You're right. I'm sorry Hope, that was unkind and unfair of me. The blame for this lies squarely on my shoulders."
"No," Kim stands from where she has been left sitting on the sofa. "No, Marlena, none of this is your fault. This is all Stefano's doing. This is all his fault. He's systematically deconstructing you piece by piece, making you do things that go against the very core of who you are. He's trying to erase everything that makes you, you. Whether his aim is to see that only Grace is left, only Grace can function, I don't know. I don't even know if he knows. He's just a vile, cruel, manipulative bastard who wants to see how far he can push you before you crumble." She shakes her head and steps forward, reaching for Marlena's hands. "And honey, you are so close to crumbling now. Don't let him do it. Don't let him push you any further. Let us take you home, let us get you treatment, and let us protect you."
"Oh Kim," Marlena's eyes fill with tears. "You are such a good friend. And I appreciate you. I appreciate and love each and every one of you. Which is why I have to do this. I have to finish Stefano's challenge so he will take me to the children. I have to see it through. I need you all to understand that. I need you to respect my choice."
Johnson chooses that moment to burst through the door, his key card in his hand.
"Right, time for you all to go now. You've bothered Dr. Evans for long enough." He has shed his jacket, and he wears shirtsleeves, rolled up to his elbows, revealing brawny, tattoo-covered forearms.
"We're not going anywhere," Bo's eyes narrow and he scowls at Johnson. "Tell your boss that he can fuck off. We're not leaving Marlena, we're not letting him have her."
"Boss says you might want to call home and check on your kiddo," Johnson smirks at him. "You and the princess here might have crossed the old man one too many times."
"No!" Hope looks at Johnson horrified and then turns to look at Bo and Shane. "No!"
"I warned you," Marlena says quietly, feeling both nauseous and oddly vindicated. If it is one of their children at risk, they might not be quite so cavalier with their interference and insistence that she plays this their way.
"He's lying," Roman says desperately but Hope is already pulling out her phone and dialing Shawn and Caroline.
It only takes two minutes for her to confirm what Marlena already knows to be true. Shawn-Douglas has disappeared on the way home from school. Abe is currently organizing a search, but they all know Shawn-D won't be found. Not in Salem, at least.
"Boss also says to tell you," He aims this at Kim and Shane, "one of your brats will be next if you don't back off."
The room is silent for a moment and then Hope lets out a long wail and slumps down on the bed.
Roman looks at her and then at Marlena, his brow creased in confusion. "Doc," he shakes his head helplessly.
"You should all go," she says lightly. "Just let me take care of it. Shawn-D will be with Carrie, she'll take care of him until I get there."
"NO!" Roman shouts angrily. "No, I am not going. I am not leaving you. I won't let you do this. I won't."
"You don't have a choice, Roman." Marlena lays the palm of her hand against his warm chest, feeling his pounding heart through the light blue cotton. "Go with your family. I'll make sure the children come home to you all."
"Doc, NO!" He drags her into his arms and wraps his arms tightly around her, as though by enveloping her he can infuse her with his distress and his determination to finally stop her from progressing towards her inevitable destination on this suicide mission.
"Roman," she whispers, tears in her eyes. "You need to let me go."
"Never," he moans into her hair. "Never!"
"The lady has asked you to go," Johnson grabs one of Roman's arms and peels it away from Marlena's body.
"The lady is my wife," Roman snarls frantically.
"Roman, Roman!" Marlena brings her arms around in front of her and using the opening that Johnson has created, she brings her hand up to frame and caress Roman's face. His eyes are bottomless pools of lapis blue. She imagines she could dive into them and drown in his pain. She knows she is breaking his heart. But better that than Grace breaking it. Better that than Grace destroying him. Better than him growing to despise and revile her. "It's okay," she says soothingly. "It's going to be okay. I'll fix it. I'll get the children back. But you need to go now."
"No!" he shakes his head distraughtly. "I'm losing you, Doc. I'm afraid if I walk out now... I'll never see you again."
"You'll see me again," she smiles sadly, dragging her thumb across his lower lip. "I promise you. Just trust me, okay?"
"Doc..." he shakes his head.
"Please Roman, you have to go. I have a headache and I need some sleep," she drops her hands from his face and steps back.
"I'm not going," he says stubbornly. "I'm not going anywhere."
Marlena looks helplessly at Johnson at Shane and Bo and then at Johnson.
"You just say the word," Johnson shrugs.
"No," Marlena shakes her head. "Don't. Bo, Shane? Please can you take Roman and talk to him. If he doesn't leave, I am going to have to call security and have you all removed."
"Marlena!" Hope is shocked and she moves closer to Kim, seeking the comfort of her sister-in-law to give her some stability. Tonight has turned into a disaster. Not only did they not stop Marlena from killing Alvaro Lloris, but Grace has also returned and now Stefano has their son in his clutches. As Marlena had affirmed earlier, Hope is prepared to do anything to ensure her son's safety. Including supporting Marlena in continuing this insanity.
Because her sister-in-law is right. The only hope they have of getting their children back is for her to give Stefano what he wants.
"Please." Marlena can't look Roman in the eyes. His pain and disbelief are visceral. "Please, I am so tired. It's been a long day." She runs her fingers through blonde hair which has reverted to soft curls which, before all this, would have had Roman throwing her into bed and ravishing her.
No longer. Now he looks at her with distressed, distrustful eyes. He sees a stranger wearing the skin of the woman he loves. He sees, but he doesn't understand. He doesn't understand that she is trying to save him.
"I need you all to go now." She turns away and clutches at the bottom of her mint-green sweater which has a splash of Alvaro Lloris' blood on it. She grimaces and pulls it up and over her head. Underneath she wears a fitted white cotton sleeveless t-shirt cut low to reveal the lace of a dark navy-blue bra, trimmed with hot pink ribbon. Her messy curls cascade down her back as she pulls off the t-shirt so that she is just in her bra and jeans.
"Roman," Shane comes to his brother-in-law's side as Roman stares helplessly at Marlena's back. "Come on Roman, we need to go."
"I can't just leave her," Roman cries powerlessly.
"Roman, we can't do anything now," Kim comes up behind him and puts her hands on his shoulders. "I know this is upsetting but let's go and find somewhere to talk and we can figure out what to do next. You're not leaving her, you're just giving her some space, okay?"
"Yeah, c'mon man," Bo agrees. He feels much like Roman. He hates the thought of leaving Marlena alone, not knowing what's going to happen next. But she seems adamant, and if she were to call hotel security like she's threatened they could be thrown out of the hotel and then they would have no hope of keeping track of her. "I know this is hard. I don't want to go either, but it's best. For now. You can talk to Marlena in the morning when she's had some sleep."
Roman says nothing, he is shaking, his eyes swimming with tears. He wasn't lying when he said he was afraid he'd never see her again. He has an awful feeling when he walks out of this room, that everything will change. That she will turn back into Grace, or she will vanish, as if into thin air. The way she did in '87.
"Please, Doc," he whispers miserably to her back as she pulls open the drawer full of silk and lace lingerie and negligées. "Please don't ask me to go."
Marlena grits her teeth and pulls out a flimsy blush-colored nightgown. She hates doing this to him. It hurts her maybe even more than it hurts him. But she must, for his sake. So that their children will have a father to come back to them.
She steels herself and turns around, her face pale. When she speaks, her voice is an ice-cold blade. "Roman, please. I have asked you to go. I shouldn't have to ask again." Her lips pinch as she regards him coldly. "You weren't welcome last night, and after what happened... you're even less welcome now. Please don't make me call security."
Roman can't say anything. His throat is tight, his chest aching. If he knew what to say, he still wouldn't be able to speak over the strangling anxiety and dread that has paralyzed him from his head to his toes.
"Come on Roman," Kim says quietly, never taking her eyes from Marlena. "Let's go."
Roman resists for a moment and then his shoulders slump and he allows Kim and Shane to lead him from the room. But he doesn't drag his eyes from his beautiful wraith-like wife until he is shepherded out of the door. Bo and Hope follow, Bo seeking his wife's hand as they exit the room but giving Marlena a last glance before they do. He shakes his head, his brown eyes swimming with confusion and pain and then they are all gone, and she is alone with Johnson.
"Pack your stuff, B-" Johnson stops himself short. "Make sure you're ready to go when I come for you."
"I promised Roman I wouldn't leave him," she says, her voice wavering.
"You promised him you'll see him again, and you will," Johnson runs his eyes appreciatively over her half-naked body. "Just not here."
"Not here?" she asks, grabbing a thick white toweling robe from the bed, and pulling it on over her lacy bra.
"Not in Barcelona. Not in Spain," he clarifies. "You and I are taking another plane ride, Marlena. I understand your husband will be given the information to follow us once we're gone."
"Why would Stefano do that?" she asks, confused as she pulls the robe more tightly around her body, as if it represents her armouring up.
"Why does the old man do anything he does?" Johnson shrugs lazily. "Because he wants to. Because he gets a kick out of it. Because he likes to fuck with people's heads," he grins maliciously, "like he's fucked with yours."
Marlena says nothing, just stares at him helplessly.
"Make sure you're prepared," he tells her again. "I don't know when the jet will be ready, but as soon as it is, we'll be heading out."
Marlena watches him go and then sinks miserably to the edge of the bed as he closes the door behind him.