"You can be mad at someone and still miss them." – To all the Boy's I've loved before
I had absolutely no right to be annoyed that I hadn't so much as heard from Hayden since Thanksgiving, I'd watched them lose to Boston College on TV, and then I'd been at both of their games against Colorado with my roommates. I thought that maybe after the wins he'd text me, or want to meet up or something, but nothing. And that was fine, or at least it should be fine. He and I agreed that we weren't priorities for each other. I'd just gotten too comfortable with the way things were. The quarter was ending and I had finals I needed to study for anyway.
It was finals week, and since I'd gone to not one but two hockey games over the weekend I was feeling way more behind on studying than I wanted to. The best part about our film class was that it didn't have an actual final, the presentations we'd given before Thanksgiving break had been it, and Hayden and I had gotten an A on it, something I was hoping to celebrate with him. My other two classes though were no joke, no matter how much I studied physics was going to be rough, and my astronomy final was scheduled to be four hours long. I had no idea what kind of questions we'd be answering in four hours, and I wasn't looking forward to finding out.
My physics final was on Wednesday and Astronomy on Thursday, so I took all of my stuff and set up camp in my favorite library, the STEM library on campus, and spent the whole day working out problems on one of the whiteboards and making sure I not only knew but was confident with everything on the study guide. I hadn't seen my roommates all week, and probably wouldn't until Thursday night when all of us would be done with finals. We always had one last meal together after finals before going home for winter break.
My phone buzzed while I was in the library studying, a text from Hayden. The first one I'd gotten in over a week, not that I cared or was counting or anything.
Hayden West: Meet up 2night...?
Cassie Bennet: Can't, busy.
He went an entire week without talking to me, and that was it. That was all he had to say, and during finals week too. I didn't like it, but I understood that hockey was his priority. School was mine, I needed to good on these finals. Even if my brain felt like mush after doing physics for this long, I needed to.
Hayden West: Are you mad? I'm sorry I just needed to focus on hockey for a bit
Cassie Bennet: Not mad, just need to focus on school. Finals.
I was kind of mad, but I had no right to be. I wasn't his girlfriend. So I told him I wasn't mad, because I shouldn't be and I didn't want to be. If anything this was exactly what I needed to happen as a reminder that Hayden was just someone I hooked up with occasionally, not someone I missed after not seeing for a week.
God it wasn't even the sex that I missed, I mean I missed the sex, but it was him more than anything. I'd gotten used to watching movies with him and studying together, and just talking about random shit. Things had been going so well, thanksgiving was fun but ever since then, since they lost to Boston things have just been different. Which is good, because if it hurts a little bit now, it'll hurt a lot later and I don't want to be another girl getting her heart broken by a hotshot athlete. The story practically writes itself.
So I pour myself back into my physics work, silencing my phone and spending the next few hours grinding out practice problem after practice problem. Not stopping until my hand hurts from writing so much, and my stomach's growling from not eating all day. The way I live during finals week isn't how anyone should live ever. I sometimes forget to eat when I get caught up working on something, and it's by far the most terrible habit I have. There's never any good reason to skip a meal, and even if forgetting to eat isn't intentional it can have terrible consequences. Like making my stomach growl in a very quiet section of the library.
I gather my materials and begin the walk back to my apartment. Usually, I'd take the bus but after sitting down for so long it feels good to walk and it's only about a ten-minute walk to get from campus to our apartment building, plus It's a nice walk.
The library is located towards the center of North campus, which means I get to walk through all the pretty historical buildings that are all brick and make me feel like I'm at some fancy old college on the East Coast instead of in the Pacific Northwest. It's still grey and cloudy, and it will be for the next four months, but it's not raining today and I'll take that as a win.
For possibly the first time ever, I don't even turn my phone back on to play music. I just walk in silence, enjoying the light sounds of campus, freshmen in their dorms packing up to go home for winter break, a girl on the phone with her mom in a stairwell, and groups of people shuffling to the dining hall. The light breeze blows some of the dead leaves scattering them across the ground around. It's peaceful in a way.
It's crazy to think that this is my last winter here. Hopefully, there's always a chance I'll be a Seaport for grad school, but the dreamer in me is thinking of being at MIT or some other fancy college where everyone's just a big nerd excited about their research. Somewhere that when people hear I go to, they think 'damn she must be smart.' Seaport's good, it's not ranked the highest but still ranked and I've loved it here, but if it weren't for how expensive going to school out of state was, this wouldn't have been my first pick in colleges.
When I get to my apartment, Hayden's standing there outside, which is surprising, "Hayden," I ask confused, "what are you doing here?"
"If you'd answered any of my texts, you'd know I wanted to talk," he said sounding somewhat annoyed.
"Sorry," I respond, shoving my hands into the pockets of my puffy jacket, "I turned my phone off to study, besides I told you I was busy."
"We haven't seen each other in nearly two weeks," he says, kind of stating the obvious, "I really wanted to see you before break starts."
"It's not my fault we haven't seen each other," I say with an edge to my voice I don't fully intend to come out, but that I also won't apologize for.
"I needed to focus on hockey, but we're playing better again, so I thought," he trails off.
"You thought now that it's convenient for your schedule we could hang out tonight," I ask. Annoyed, but not wanting to make any sort of accusations. Yet.
"Exactly," he says grinning, "so?"
"So, I told you I was busy," I say, crossing my arms. "Just because you suddenly have time to hang out doesn't mean I do. My schedule's not less important than yours, I have two really big tests to study for. If I had time for you, I would've told you."
"Hold on, that's not what I meant, I never said that your time was less important than mine," He says, crossing his arms and mirroring my pose.
"Really," I ask, "because when you were busy because of hockey, I gave you space. I didn't decide that since I had room in my schedule to go down to your apartment and talk. I waited, which is exactly what you should be doing for me."
"Yeah well, maybe you should've come down to visit me. I've missed you, and I don't understand why we're fighting about this, let's just do something together. Anything," his voice sounds weaker, almost pleading somehow and it breaks something in me.
"You're not listening to what I'm saying," I say, "I've missed you too. More than I want to admit, but I need to be focused on school right now. The same way you needed to be focused on hockey. After finals are done, we can talk."
"When's your last final," he asks after pausing for a moment and staring at me.
"Thursday, I'll be done at noon," I say.
"Okay. Thursday at noon. We're getting lunch."
"Okay," I say, then, losing all the control I'm so desperately trying to have I reach for him and hug him, allowing myself to melt into him for just a moment. He immediately opens himself up, wrapping himself around me in what I gauge from how he feels is an equally all-consuming hug. It lasts forever and not long enough. I break the contact and somehow know he would've held on longer if I'd needed, or wanted.
Without a word, I let go and let myself back into the apartment, looking back and catching his eye as I let the door to the building shut behind me. That hug said a thousand things we couldn't say with words. A thousand emotions I don't even know how to describe. I miss him too much, it's almost terrifying. It could never work though. I just have to keep reminding myself that it could never work out between us, and that's why things are and have to stay the way they are. I can't let myself get hurt or wrapped up in someone again. I just can't lose myself again.
I make a quick dinner, then spend the rest of the night reviewing for my astronomy exam. Everything else, all the feelings and emotions I want to have can wait until I finish my finals.
I have a routine for before I take any exam, or give a presentation, or an interview. Anything important really, I do the same thing beforehand. I listen to my hot girl shit playlist, eat a granola bar, and crack my knuckles. I don't remember when specifically I started doing each thing, but without fail I always do them. I'm not superstitious, I think I'd still do good with or without my routine, but I enjoy doing it and there's something nice about having something that I know so well before an event that I can't control. No matter how much I study, I can't be completely ready for the problems on the test, but I know the lyrics to all these songs, the taste of the granola bar, and how satisfying it'll feel to crack my knuckles.
My physics final was brutal, but I knew it would be and showed up prepared. My professor used a lot of problems similar to what we'd worked on in class, just with different numbers so I know the general routine to solve them, but with the time limit I know I won't have time to check my answers, so I have to extra sure about the math I'm doing which is a little stressful. I walk out of that exam feeling as good as I can after taking a physics test and immediately go to the bagel shop in our library to get a treat.
That's another routine I have, no matter which part of campus I'm on, I always go grab a bagel from the Bookside Bagel Shop in the main library. It's a staple on campus, and has insanely good bagels, especially for a college campus. I try to block out all the dining hall food I consumed as a freshman, but the bookside bagels I always come back for. I'll miss them a lot next year, hopefully, they have good bagels wherever I end up.
I grab my bagel, and take a sit down, trying not to think about how the last time I was here was with Hayden. He ordered a plain bagel, no cream cheese or anything on it and I'd teased him about it relentlessly. Seriously, who liked just plain bagels? Now it hurt a little bit to think of, I had no idea where we stood, or where we were going to go from here. The quarter was over and we'd kind of implied that that's when we'd end too. I wasn't ready for that, and I doubt he was either, but if we kept this going too long we'd push into couple territory. That'd just lead to heartbreak for both of us if it hadn't already.
Big shock, I spent the rest of the day and all of the following day studying for my astronomy final. It's a whopping four hours long and at 8 a.m. Which I think should be illegal, not a single class I was taking started at 8 am yet every quarter without fail I ended up having at least one final that early. I could hardly function that early, how was I supposed to do four-hundred-level astronomy work?
As promised, I walk out of my astronomy final at noon, feeling just a level above brain-dead and Hayden is standing under a tree holding two coffees, he wordlessly hands one to me. He looks good, dressed a little nicer than usual in slacks and a quarter-zip pullover. His hair looks a little more tamed than usual too, though that might just be because it's tucked behind his ears.
"Hey, thanks," I say after taking a sip, trying not to think of how messy I must look next to him in the leggings and oversized crewneck I slept in last night, and my hair toppling out of the claw clip I pulled it back with. For every way in which he looks nicer than usual, I look messier than normal. "You look nice," I say after a moment, unsure of what else to say.
"I had an interview this morning with a guy from ESPN, Coach told me to dress nice."
"Oh that's cool," I say, trying not to think about how awkward this conversation feels, "how'd the interview go?"
"I think it went well," he says shuffling his feet nervously, "How'd the exam go?"
"Good, I think. I had time to review a few of my answers which was nice, but four hours felt like so long to be in a test for."
He nods in agreement, though I doubt any of his finals were that intense, "How'd your finals go?"
"Good," he responds, "They were all open note online."
"Oh," I say, "cool." We stare at each other for a moment, him shuffling and bouncing slightly as if he has a little too much energy and me with my arms crossed, regretting wearing a sweatshirt without pockets I can shove my hands into.
"I've missed you," he says after a moment, "And I've been thinking about it and I know we originally talked about stopping when the quarter ended, but I think we should keep hooking up."
"You do," I ask.
"Yeah," he says, "We're good together, or not together but together. You know what I mean."
"I do," I laugh nervously, "I think we should keep going too, but strictly hookups, no more movie nights or going out to get coffee." I somewhat surprise myself by saying this, it's not at all what I want, but it's definitely what I need. I'm getting far too close to territory that only comes with a broken heart.
He looks somewhat taken aback but adjusts quickly, "That's probably a good idea. Wouldn't want either of us to get too attached."
"Exactly. I'm probably not going to drive back until Saturday, the pass is supposed to be clearer then. So if you're free Friday night..."
"I can make that work," He says, "Just text me what time."
"Okay, I should head out, I have plans with my roommates now that finals are over. I'll see you tomorrow okay?"
" Bye Cassie," he says, and I can't help but feel like he's disappointed somehow but I can't put my finger on why. It's not that I want to only see him when we're hooking up, but it's better that way. We don't need to get any more feelings involved in this than there already are. I'm already more emotionally invested than I should be, no need to make it worse. Why though does this way hurt too?