"But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." -Isaiah 40:31
There wasn't anything peaceful about the meeting Felix went to. It was April, meaning that it was getting warmer, but it also meant that the training he would undergo would be during the summer, which was going to be unbearable. The air was practically burning in his lungs as he marched behind his leader, Baldur von Schriach. The man was fairly tall, with dark hair and eyes, that seemed to pierce into Felix's soul as he oversaw their schooling. It was an understatement to say that he was not enjoying this.
But that didn't matter now. He and the rest of his group were marching up a horrid hill, finding to breathe properly after running ten miles up and down Amsterdam less than a half hour ago. All that mattered was that after this "camping trip", he'd be able to go home to Margeit, and hopefully tell Mr. Fischer about what was really happening behind the red flags and badges. Usually, Felix liked the color red, but this red, the darkest and bloodiest kind, haunted him in his dreams.
Another boy, Ivo, was marching beside Felix with the straightest posture he had ever seen. Ivo, a beach blond with olive green eyes, was seventeen years old and had been a part of the Hitler Youth from the age of twelve. In Germany during 1938, boys were not expected to join the program unless they wanted to. Felix didn't want to, but that wasn't his choice. According to his older brother, Drik, German boys were going to be forced to join at the age of ten, and had to stay within the control of the leaders until they were twenty-one, then told to enlist in the army to fight for the Fuhrer. Ivo's father was a Nazi Sympathizer, and possibly an SS Officer who worked side by side with von Schriach since the beginning.
So of course, Ivo was the prize of the bunch.
"Come on boys, keep on!" Ivo shouted as he ran up the hill to meet up with the leader. The two were talking in German- which Felix did understand. But as he tried to listen in on the conversation, another boy, Alexei, came up beside him.
"Do you think we're going to shoot anything?" Alexei said excitedly. Felix really hoped they didn't have to shoot anything. Felix had horrible aim and also hated the idea of ending something else's life. But yet again, being a soldier meant shooting. Margeit told Felix that she wouldn't be offended if he became a soldier, but she warned him about what being in war could do to someone.
Mr. Fischer fought in the First World War and was a commander in the Dutch Army. Margeit said that her father never fully recovered from what happened, and still had problems sleeping, eating, and even holding a gun at times. One time, when someone was talking to him in English at a meeting, he was so shaken up by the way the man was talking, that her father had to leave the room to get away from him. Margeit explained that her father had to attack English-speaking soldiers during the war, and people even saying "hello" would upset him. it also caused Mr. Fischer to become more outspoken with those around him, being nicknamed "Professor Wreed" at the university. The thing that shocked Felix the most was the fact that he had never seen Mr. Fischer get angry once. He was always increbibily kind and gentle towards Felix, but maybe that was because Felix never picked a fight with him.
Many of the students are the University would agrue with Mr. Fischer because he taught History hardheadedly. He got into such a heated arguement according to Mergeit that he and the students starting flipping tables and scared a innocent secratary by threatening her. It was the last time Mr. Fischer taught history again. Now he teaches Literature, where there are not a lot of arguments being made. Mr. Fischer was a man of presicion- he liked things a very specific way. Especially when it came to his family. Which was going to get him in a lot of trouble one of these days.
Felix couldn't help was feel weary watching Ivo pratically skip up the hill, while himself and the other sixity boys were strangling behind him. He felt like there was a pit in his stomach, and a feeling he just couldn't shake.
They finally made it up to the top of the neverending hill, where there was a buddle of trees heeped up around a flat grassy meadow- not very big but managable. The sun was now setting in the west, making the camping site quite beautiful from the down side of the hill. "Alright, boys. Start setting up camp." Their leader barked more orders at them while they set up ridiculously small tents in rows. Felix even saw von Schriach hit a few boys on the side of the head for not working fast or efficently enough. And he was really not wanting to be one of them.
Quietly, Felix pitched his tent, making sure everything was in its right place and even, before pulling out a small sleeping bag and jacket out of his fifty pound backpack. He hated this backpack. He didn't like that it was so heavy, and seemed to burrowing into his shoulders. It had the usual camping supplies in it- containing a water bottle, iodine tablets, a small flashlight, an extra pair of socks, a switchblade, and a notebook and charcoal pencil which Mrs. Fischer told him to bring. "If you're going to look good in front of the leider, then you'll need to take notes. And make sure they're in German. They like German more than Dutch,"
Besides a couple of trinkets, the only other thing Felix was digging for was a small, golden locket he had made before he left. It was a small square, with little designs engraved on the outer rim. He didn't care how pretty it may have looked on the inside, but rather the contents on the inside. A black and white picture of Margeit, Sully, and himself was on the inside; the three of them sitting on the sofa in the Fischer's home, all smiling and joyful. It made it feel like she was close to him, giving him hope while he was away.
Pushing the locket into his pants pocket, he stood up and postioned himself in front of the tent, trying his hardest to look as stern as possible. In the corner of his eye, he could see the group of boys who harressed Margeit messing around, laughing and pushing into one another like a bunch of goons. Alexei came up beside Felix, giving him a weary look. They both knew what was going to happen next. No one, not even young boys were allowed to act in such a fashion. And as Felix began to think about it, they probably were never supposed to push Jews around the way that those boys did. Now yes, they were told specifically to be verbally cruel, but never physical... Right?
"Boys!" And everything went silent. All around him, we watched boys, somewhere between ten to eighteen, jump into some sort of formation. Even the oldest looked terrified. They all stood as shift as a board, with straight back and heads high, trying to look less scared than they were. Felix mimicked the boys movements, hoping to blend in. On the other side, the boys who were messing around all stood completely straight, trembling. Von Schariach looked around, and Felix instantly felt his gut twist. The man's dark eyes scanned the circle of boys around him. He put his hands behind his back, and starting circling the inside of the group- like a lion ready to pounce on his prey. "We are not here to mess around." He started. "You are to be soldiers. Bright young men who show the world who we are. We are not... buffons. We are Aryans. Highest race. We are to be respected." He walked past a group of shivering ten-year-olds, and then by Felix and Alexei. He didn't even look Felix in the eye. "Are we not to be respected?" His seemed sinstered as he stood in front of the ringleader. The boy-who was leading the rascals- was breathing hard, his knees shaking. "ARE WE?"
"No.. no sir." The boy whimpered, looking away from the leader. Von Schariach lifted the boy's head by his chin.
"Good boy." he said while patting his cheek ominously. "You don't want to make mummy mad, now do we? All that hard work. All the money. All the time she spent to raise such a good young man- to be throw away..." And he slapped the boy's cheek.
Felix jumped as he watched the boy, no older than fourteen, toppled to the ground in agony. No one dared to speak, not even Ivo. Von Schariach grabbed the boy by the ear, causing him to whimper as he was thrown back up to his feet. "We are NOT to be weak!" His shouts echoed across the top of the hill. Everything was deadly still.
After the incident with the boy, Von Schariah had the rest of the troop come together, sitting around a small fire, shivering in the now cold air. Felix felt the most bad for the younger kids, who were shaking hard in their thin jackets. Just like Mrs. Fischer had told him, Felix grabbed his notebook and charcoal pencil, and scribbled down all the notes he could muster while the leader and some of the older boys were talking. Felix, wanting to look better in Von Schariach's eyes, wrote in German, and also tried to make sure the words were as neat as possible. But nothing about what they were saying was "neat".
They sat on the ground for three hours listening to their leader speak horribly about the Jews, as if they were animals rather than people. And it made Felix sick to his stomach. All he wanted to run away from this place as fast as possible, but he knew that was impossible now. They kept talking about how the Jews lost the war for the Germans, and how their fail attempts of an army and government were the reason why the Germans were humiliated. They made it clear that teh Jews were swindlers, who wanted nothing but money and his greed.
Felix had to ignore all of the terrible things that they were saying about other races. About how the Aryans were the highest class- the perfect people. How everything and everyone else were inferior to them- underneath them and their ways. The only thing that Felix did want to listen to was the plans that leader said he and the Fuhrer were making. He heard something about sending the older boys into war so that they could drop up enemy lines; which made Felix's stomach churn. He couldn't imagine being fifteen and being forced to battle in the front lines. It sounded terrible. But there was another thing. An invasion.
Most Dutch parents would never send their child into Hitler Youth. However, the Dutch weren't doing much to stop Hitler either. The fact that Hitler Youth was even a thing in Amsterdam made Felix's head spin. Why would they allow this? Don't we stand for something better? He thought. But then it hit him. There would be an invasion. Von Schariach didn't give the boys a time or date, but he said to be aware. To keep their eyes open for the opportunity. Because it was coming. And all it did was make Felix anxious. After long hours of lecturing, the group was sent back to their tents in the freezing cold, all left to ponder of what their leader had said.
"I want to fight back! Show those English who they're messing with." Ivo roared as he slipped into his tent-which he foruately didn't share with Felix. Felix and Alexei shared a tent with two other boys; their names Hans and Kohl. Felix shared a glance with the both of them, and all three boys asked each other the same, inaudible question. Why were we here?
Sleep was an illusion. Not just for Felix, but for all four of the boys. The four tried to muster some sort of a conversation without being caught, not wanting to know what would happen if their leader found them whispering at such a late hour. Kohl had said that he was from Austria, and was adopted by a family after the Nazi party invaded his hometown. After that, his foster family did a great job trying to raise him correctly- making sure he wouldn't turn into a Nazi or a criminal. But that didn't last very long. Kohl explained that his foster family got a detailed letter from the Prime Minister saying that he would be deported if he didn't join Hitler Youth. So his family sent him into the program when he was thirteen- now he was sixteen.
Hans wouldn't say a word about where he was from, but he made it clear that he didn't join Hitler Youth by choice. Like Felix, he seemed to have a locket from home, though he couldn't tell whose picture was in it. The only thing Felix did know was that as Hans started to fall asleep, he kept saying the word "Ursula" painfully. Maybe it was someone he lost? Felix probably would never know. But yet again, maybe he didn't want to know. Alexei went on to explain that he wanted to join for the benefits. He wanted to bring his family honor, since he had four younger brother and two younger sisters. His mother gained the Mother's Cross when they lived in Germany. According to him, they moved for monary reasons, and Felix assumed that his family had some sort of affaliation with the Third Reich.
Felix explained that his father wanted him to join, but that he didn't want to because he had a girl back home. And of course, Kohl and Alexei asked him about her. He didn't go into too much detail (and especially didn't tell them that she was a Jew) but went on to say that she was beautiful and smart and kind and loving. He could talk about Margeit for hours, but decided it was best to keep most of it to himself. "I've always wanted a girl," Alexei groaned as he moved to find a comfortable sleeping position. "Someone to have and to hold,"
"Kiss a little bit," Kohl added.
"Yeah, that too. Someone to admire, you know?"
Boy, did Felix know. "Do- do you think they'll make us kill something? While we're out here?"
"Oh hell yeah. It's what they do. They want us to be soldiers." Alexei's voice seemed a little too happy about this notion. "They usually make us shoot a deer on the last of retreat." Kohl seemed to be figdeting, nodding with Alexei. "Hans has plently of times. And so have I. It's not too bad after a while," And Alexei fell into a deep slumber.
Kohl stopped moving around, but was shivering hard, making the ground feel like it was shaking. And Felix could barely close his eyes. He really didn't want to kill something. He had horrible aim and didn't want to be embaressed. But he really didn't think he had much of a choice. Sighing, he laid on his side, pulling the locket out of his pocket and pressing it to his lips, closing his eyes. He thought of what Margeit said before he left, at the train station. She was holding his hands and smiling, telling him how much he would be missed. But before Felix boarded the train, she kissed his cheek and said, "When you could back, I'll make sure to wear my red coat so you can find me." And then he left her behind.
It was funny really. Since he got to Germany; or at least the outskirts of Germany, everything was vastely different than the way it was back home. Everyone looked the same, talked the same, even moved around the same, and it bothered Felix. There was nothing unique besides the flashy, red banners of the Third Reich on all the buildings around him. And Felix felt as though he was going blind from how much black and white he was seeing. Nothing was different, and nothing stood out besides the blood that seemed to be scattered around every surface of Germany.
Felix used to like the color red. But not anymore.
The next morning, beams of light shone through the cracks of the tent, leaving a momentary blindness on the boys. Felix got up first- not knowing what would happen if they weren't up in time. Pulling on his jacket, he dipped through the opening of the tent and peered around the camp site. A small group of older teen were huddled around the fire pit, trying to keep somewhat warm in the damp air. It was a surprisingly bright day-with a chilly breeze that caused Felix to shiver and go up to the fire. The boys welcomed him silently, moving over so he could have some space next to the flames. Felix rubbed his hands together, trying to warm himself up, while holding the locket tightly in his grip. "What's that?" A boy with a thick accent said.
"Oh- um. A token from home," Felix muttered, shoving the locket back into his pocket. The boy shrugged and went back to his converastion with the boy next to him. Soon, the other boys came out from their tents, surrounding the fire hastely. He saw Alexei and Kohl hovering over on the other side; while Hans came up besides Felix.
"You better hide that locket before učiteľ sees you, rookie," Hans whispered. "He'll take from it you in an instant if he seeing it," It was then that Felix had realized that Hans was from Slovekia, meaning that he was probably deported here to Amsterdam. He was much older than the rest of them, and it was clear that he had been apart of Hitler Youth for a long time.
"How long have you been here?" Felix asked, hoping that Hans wouldn't be angry.
Hans started counting on his fingers, trying to formulate the words. "Šesť... no Sedem... Um- Seven years I believe." Felix felt his heart drop. The poor guy- who probably missing his family back home, had been apart of this hellish program for seven years. Felix couldn't think about what he would be like if he was in Hitler Youth for that long. Hans, unlike most of the boys, was solemn and quiet. He never spoke up at any of the lectures, never asked questions, never looked up from the ground, and never gave anyone answers. The only thing he did was listen and obey, and try to get others to be obey too.
He saw Hans trying to get a group of ten-year-olds to stand in line yesterday after von Schraiah called out the ringleader for messing around. He saw Hans convincing other boys to keep going during the hike after becoming exhausted. And just now, he was helping Felix, so that he wouldn't get caught. Hans knew something... But what?
The boy were fed a small breakfast of powdery eggs and ham before being forced to go on another hike, but this time- into the woods.
There was something sinster about those woods. It was dark and gloomy- and there seemed to be no animals in sight. The boys trekked through the rough terrain, the soot sticking to their boots which made it hard to hike in the brush. Felix felt like that shadows were watching them, burning into the back of his head and marking his every move. Fear was choking him as they walked through the fog. Something wasn't right about this hike. Felix glanced over at Alexei and Kohl, who were chatting up a storm with another group of boys- completely forgetting about himself and Hans. Hans was leading the younger boys, holding the hands of a little red head who looked terrified.
After a mile walk, von Schraich stopped the boys in front of a green marsh, that seemed to go on for scores, far enough away to run. But Felix knew that if he tried, he would get attacked, or worse. In the center of the marsh laid five, wooden targets, lined up in a row. If he stared hard enough, he could see bullet holes burned into the wood. Next to a large tree trunk was a piles of black rifles, and rounds of amminotion was scattered on the grass. Everyone stood in silence. "Welcome to training." Von Schraich said, an evil smirk painted across his face. "Everyone will be given a rifle to shoot. We will all be practicing on the targets today. No real shooting," Felix's stomach dropped. The boys in his tent did warned him.
Felix saw Hans give him a weary look, and then a shake of his head. Hans pushed the younger group of boys up to the rifles, each one of them picking one put and grabbing a handful of bullets. Hans demostrated how to put the bullets into the gun, and showed them how to hold the rifle against their shoulder and keep the safety on so they didn't injury themselves. "They don't care if they hurt anyone else, just themselves.." Felix said to himself. One of the youngest boys- a blond boy with unruly hair- skipped up to the front of the marsh, pointing his gun, and tried to fire at the targets. "They are going to make them killing machines."
The rest of the troop watched from behind, as the younger kids shot as much bullets as possible before Von Scharich pulled them aside, having them hand off their guns to new boys. Hans and Ivo told the rest of the group to get into lines, so that everyone could have a turn. Felix got in the very back, hoping that something would occur so he didn't have to go up. It felt like it took hours until Felix got up to the front, his heart beating as rapidly. His hands were clammy and he felt like he was going to pass out from dread. Suddenly, a boy- a little younger than him- was trying to break him out of his trance. "Hey, bud. You alright?" He waved his hand in front of Felix, which caused him to jump. The boy held the gun towards Felix, who took it cautiously before stepping up with the last of the boys. He cocked the gun, gulping as he tried to to point the aim towards the target.
Hesistantly, he placed his hand on the trigger, and pulled. A bullet richoeted across the field and hit one of the targets. Though he didn't hit the center, he got pretty close. He felt his shoulder ease as he pointed to shoot again. He shot a couple more bullets before he saw a deer in the corner of his eye. A whistle blew, calling the boys to stop. Von Schraich put out his hand, walking in front of the boys while he watched the deer. He mumbled something in German before he faced the boys again, a sly smile formed on his face. "A learning lesson... A lesson on how to hit the real target." He walked in front of the row of boys, giving each one of them a skeptical look. All of them looked down, including Felix, hoping that he would passed again like last time.
His heart was pounding in his chest as he felt the leader's eye graze over all of their heads. He saw the silouette of Von Schriach stop in front of him, and Felix felt his whole body swiften. He looked up at the leader, his dark eyes and sinster smile burned into his memory as he pointed a finger at Felix's chest. "Shoot it."
Felix felt his heart stop, fear taking over as he tried to take a step. "Breathe, Felix. Breathe." He took a few more steps until he was in front of Von Schraich, who placed a strong hand on his shoulder. Felix breath was shaking, but he cocked and pointed the gun. The deer was grazing across the marsh, without a care in the world. He placed his finger on the trigger lightly, trying to breathe, but with no advil. He felt the leader grip his shoulder and whisper, "Shoot damn it," directly in Felix's ear.
He thought back to what Margeit had said to him before he left. "We all have a choice; to be a sinner or a saint. No one can take that away from you... not even the German,"
Felix trained on the deer, who looked up at him curiously.
"Never forget who you truly are, Felix." Margeit wiped the snow off of Felix's jacket and held on his lapels. "Remember what matters. Not what they tell you, but what you know to be true."
Felix pulled the trigger. Anxiety filling up inside him as he saw the bullet fly across the marsh, heading straight to the deer.
"No matter what they tell you, do not let them change you, Felix."
Everything was silent. Margeit's last words to him rang in his head like a bell in the distance. "When you could back, I'll make sure to wear my red coat so you can find me."
And it was the first time Felix didn't miss...