I awoke with a yawn. Rubbing sleep from my eyes, I sat up to stretch out the aches in my limbs.
Roughing it had never been my thing. I preferred the comfort of a soft mattress and silk sheets sliding over bare skin.
I caught movement on my left and looked over to find Shadowheart and Astarion sitting on the log I had pulled by the fire yesterday.
Astarion was quick to notice me looking and raised his head offering me a sweet smile. He was stoking the fire with a stick as Shadowheart was making some tea in a kettle that was resting on a makeshift platform over the flames.
Shadowheart didn't bother looking up from her task as she said," Good morning, did you sleep well?"
I fought not to blush under Astarion's gaze as he continued watching me.
" Uh..yes I did actually." I answered Shadowheart unable to look away from the beautiful vampire either.
He still wasn't wearing a shirt, his curls were more wild this morning, but he looked revitalized. The dark circles that had been under his eyes last night were gone and he had a healthy flush now on his pale cheeks.
"Do vampires sleep too?" I asked him curiously as I came over to sit with them both.
Astarion made room for me between Shadowheart and himself as he pondered how to answer my question.
Shadowheart's own interest was piqued and she looked over to him waiting for his answer as well.
"Vampires can sleep, but only if we choose to do so," he finally answered. "We don't require sleep for our survival, and our bodies don't get tired like yours do. But if we choose to rest, then we can."
He expression became more pensive.
"It's different for every one of us, though," he added after a moment. "I personally enjoy a nice, warm sleep. But I know others who never take a moment to relax."
Shadowheart seemed satisfied with that response and went back to her tea preparation.
I fought the urge to touch Astarion again,his proximity was making my heart speed up. It wasn't any help to still be so frustratingly aroused. I needed to address that problem soon.
I gave Astarion a small smile of my own before telling him," I hope you got some rest last night then. "
Shadowheart chuckled finding interest in the careful way we were speaking to eachother this morning."So you didn't take my advice and fuck him, did you?"
I groaned as Astarion's eyes widened at her bluntness.
"How is that any of your business?" I muttered. Although her words made it so I wasn't able to meet Astarion's eyes immediately afterwards.
Seeing me being so flustered,Astarion surprised me by speaking up.I watched him grin at Shadowheart as he told her,"I can assure you that I thoroughly enjoyed your beautiful friend last night. I will be honored to partake again one night soon if she desires it."
When he winked at me I blushed even harder.
Shadowheart narrowed her eyes at him before turning her attention to me. She shrugged, handing over a mug of tea that she'd poured me,"I just don't want you two being distracted while we're out here. I had hoped you'd get it out of your systems last night but the way you've been ogling eachother this morning convinces me differently. We have more important things to be doing out here."
"I am well aware of that!" I growled at her,"Whether or not I chose to fuck him last night or any night in the future for that matter, well it isn't your business. Shut up about it please could you."
Shadowheart sighed but didn't say anything further on the matter.
When she went to offer another mug of tea to Astarion,he shook his head politely refusing her offering.
She left us alone at the fire,to repack her gear.
Astarion and I sat a few moments in amicable silence. I was annoyed my sex life or lack of one was becoming a topic of discussion.
I knew that I'd be having a private conversation with Shadowheart about this later. She and I didn't share the same views on intimacy.
She saw it as a task to perform, to let out stress and sate a biological need. She had never bedded anyone she had any strong feelings for.
I wasn't even sure she had been in love romantically with anyone. To her,faith mattered above everything else.
I sometimes wished I could stay so distant in my own sexual endeavors. I couldn't bed anyone just for fun. I needed some sense of connection and it was what made trying to be intimate again so frustrating for me. I loved sex of course, but I always want more from the experience. I've learned that my expectations were not easy to meet for alot of people and it's become a big reason in deciding to stay celibate. So lucky,or rather unlucky for me that this gorgeous, intuitive vampire came into my life now.
I sighed before I spoke up again,"Can I ask you something...?"
Astarion smiled, nodding his head gently, "Of course darling,what is it?"
I loved his terms of endearment for me. I chewed on my lip pensive a moment before blurring out," Would you want to stay with Shadowheart and I?"
I was nervous waiting for his answer,so I distracted myself with a careful sip of tea.
"I have to admit, getting the chance to stay by your side is very appealing to me.So yes, I would want to stay with you, and with Shadowheart, for as long as you'll have me. I hope you understand how much that means to me that you've asked."
He seemed so genuinely happy that I'd like to keep his company.
It had me smiling back as I said,"I have others that I'll need to introduce you to once we get back to the city. Are you sure you're okay to stay?I don't want to take you away from anything important you have to do. I am only out in these woods because of Shadowheart in the first place.She asked for my help to find someone and we've been looking for days now."
Astarion nodded again, in mentioning the reason that we were out here, he looked to me a bit more directly.
"Who are you looking for?I can't help but think your help in this pursuit, must mean this individual is quite important. Is this someone who is important to you?" He asked me gently,"Who is this person you seek?"
"She is important personally to Shadowheart, it's her sister,Aida. " I answered him honestly.
Astarion's eyes flashed before he glanced over to Shadowheart, studying her for a few moments.
Turning back to me he said. " Do you know why Shadowheart is trying so hard to find her? I mean... no offense to Shadowheart but she doesn't really seem like the family type."
He shrugged and softly laughed. "I just don't see her being really into family gatherings and that sort of thing, you know?"
It was my turn to laugh,"You've barely known her and yet you can surmise that much. She isn't close with anyone but her sister and I. Even if she may seem standoffish to strangers, she has a big heart. "
Astarion smirked before he spoke again. "It's true, I haven't known Shadowheart for too long, but her character really does speak volumes."
He turned back to study her again, seeming to consider her in a new light. "I suppose I can believe that she may have a bit of a soft spot under that tough front.She certainly seems softer around you. It's quite touching, really. I'm not used to seeing people care about others in that way....I guess I'm the sort who thinks first of himself," After a pause he said, "Though I must admit... it must be nice to not have to charm someone for their attention."
I frowned at him,"You know that you don't have to sleep with someone for them to like you,right?"
His brows furrowed briefly but he kept on a smile on his face.
Shadowheart muttered from over by her bedroll,"But that makes it easier to manage others, isn't that right Astarion?"
Astarion's eyes narrowed at her remark. Shadowheart flashed him a wicked grin. I frowned at the way his body tensed as if he'd been hit.
I was getting fed up with my bestfriend's attitude and I wasn't about to stand for much more of it. I got to my feet ready to storm over to her," Seriously Shadowheart,what is your problem?"
Astarion gently reached for me as I started to move towards her. I met his eyes and the pain in his red eyes slayed me.
He shook his head at me and I growled, turning back to glare at Shadowheart as she started back over to us.
She didn't bother to responding to me, she was instead giving Astarion her full attention. She stopped a few feet in front of him, her arms crossed. "While I might owe you a life debt for saving me,it doesn't mean I'm just going to agree with everything you've been saying. Why are you out here anyway? Do not say hunting Owlbears because that is only a half truth and you know it. If you're going to be traveling with us, I need to trust you."
I realized Shadowheart was right, it didn't make sense for him to be out here alone.He could feed from anyone back in the city. My heart started to race as we both waited for his answer.
Astarion hesitated a bit at the question, I noticed his eyes darken before he answered her.
"...It's a bit of a personal matter, a matter I'd rather not discuss right now, I hope you can understand that."
He turned to smile at me gently. "I'd rather not spoil what is otherwise such a lovely day."
Shadowheart glared daggers at him. I tried to silently beg her to ease up,but she was still ignoring me.She was so very stubborn."Do you know what secrets do to people Astarion?"
When he faced her again he frowned, " They have a purpose, as all things do. Nothing I've done will have any impact on your well being, I swear it. I wouldn't bring danger to your lives purposely.I am not that cruel or selfish. I will give you the answers you're seeking, just not now."
He glanced again to me hoping for my trust in this as well.
I understood needing to keep secrets.I believed in my heart I could trust Astarion so I was ready to let him explain himself later on.
I turned my attention on my best friend,who was still glaring at Astarion, not the least bit satisfied with his answer.
" Shadowheart you've kept secrets,big ones from me as well. I've given you many chances to come to me in your own time.I never pushed you. He just saved your life. He also could of attacked us last night while we slept but he didn't. Let's let him take the time he needs. If he's lying I'll be the first one to stake him okay. "
Shadowheart growled throwing her hands up in surrender," Fine....fine, we don't have time for this anyway,. We've been sitting around wasting daylight. I want to find my sister."
Astarion shocked me by moving over to Shadowheart. She watched his approach warily.
When he pulled a dagger from inside of his boot, we both visibly tensed.
He held his hands up and moved carefully, keeping his hands visible to us both.
When he was in front of her he stopped moving. He kept a small distance between the two of them, which I knew was for Shadowheart's benefit. If he needed to he could close the distance between them in just moments.
" Shadowheart I realize that I am not able to offer you the answers you want. I hope I can still earn your trust. "His eyes sparked furiously as he continued," I was essentially made a whore for my master. So I know how to manipulate others to get what I want and need, but I need you to know that isn't my aim here. I..."
He glanced briefly over his shoulder to me, and I saw as his shoulders slump. He looked so defeated and it was making it so difficult to stay where I was.My hands clenched at my sides.
Shadowheart's expression softened slightly and if you didn't really know her,you wouldn't notice the change in her.
Astarion continued, " I want you to take my dagger. Look me in my eyes and if you still think I'm more monster than man,I give you permission to pierce my heart..."
When I gasped and started to protest he held a hand out towards me, looking at me just briefly before turning back focus on Shadowheart.
Her eyes widened as he placed his dagger into her hands.
He still didn't move any closer to her but he refused to look back to me again. He became so still, waiting for Shadowheart to either choose to trust him or condemn him.
My body trembled,my heart racing,fresh tears filling my eyes. I was torn about stepping in front of my bestfriend and the person I was starting to fall for.
It shocked me to my very core to realize I was starting to fall in love with Astarion. He was still very much a stranger to me and yet something in him called to me. I saw in him alot of the same pain I'd felt in my own life, it made us kindred.
"I need you to trust me Shadowheart. Can you trust me?"Astarion finally asked of her.
I watched as her hands tightened around Astarion's blade, shaking slightly.
She growled at him, " You're either really smart or really stupid. You have Minnara and her foolish heart to thank for my mercy right now. I don't know if I can trust you yet Astarion but I'm willing to let you prove yourself. Just know if you break my bestfriend's heart or try to harm me I'll destroy you and smile while I do it."
She dropped his dagger and walked away from Astarion.
I saw Astarion sigh in relief before he bent down to retrieve his discarded blade. I watched him tuck it back into his boot before he finally turned towards me, looking sheepish.
When he tried to come over to me, I held out a hand stilling his approach. His eyes reflected pain and regret but he did stop moving towards me.
" I...I just need a moment okay. That was a very risky thing you just did, What if she'd stabbed you? What if..."
I blinked tears from my eyes,growling my frustration.
Astarion was dismayed at the tears in my eyes over his actions," Christ..I'm sorry I didn't mean for this. I didn't want you to be this upset.. I..please may I hold you?"
I knew that I should refuse him but I really wanted comfort and to touch him again. I nodded unable to form words past the lump in my throat.
Bringing himself close to me, he wrapped himself around me, gently pulling me into his body. I was shaking,nerves frayed.
Astarion helped me settle against his body. He was silent,giving me time to calm myself down. When I sighed, he hugged me even more tightly.
Despite the fact he was trying to comfort me, I felt his body relaxing as well. He needed this just as much as I seemed to. Although he was hiding his own need under the guise of comforting me.
He could lie to himself if he wanted to but he couldn't hide from me, I could feel his tension visibily release as he clung to me.
He buried his face into my neck whispering softly."Im sorry for upsetting you. I want to thank you... I feel...warmer you know....like it's not so cold with you. I'm still baffled that you actually care about what happens to me though."
He took a deep breath adding in a quiet voice, "After all this time that I've been around Cazador... I just....with you it's not just about survival. I've been surrounded by Cazador's court for so long, where the only thing that anyone cared about was your ability to give them pleasure.It's nice to realize I am wrong about that being the only reason why you'd be around me, I guess. I've been surrounded by such shallow people,who care about nothing but themselves....please say you'll forgive me."
I blinked unshed tears from my eyes before looking up at him,"Cazador was who turned you wasn't he? The one who did that...that to your neck and the markings on your back,it was also him wasn't it?"
Astarion visibly tensed at the name but nodded."Cazador is...my master," he admitted "He turned me into a vampire spawn and for a very long time he has used me as a tool."
I rested my face on his bare chest,"I'm sorry Astarion, I'm sorry you were ever put into that position. It hurts me to realize you believe that your only way to get affection is offering your body." I frowned deeper," Is that why you put yourself at risk with Shadowheart.Do you honestly believe that your life doesn't matter?
I was nervous to hear his answer knowing he was likely about to break my heart.
Astarion looked away from me briefly before answering me. His voice breaking as he confessed, "For two centuries I tool of misery,pain and death. I was told repeatedly I was created only for one purpose,to serve. My time wasn't really ever about my interests, or desires, it was about what he wanted. I was beaten and broken under his tyranny." Astarion laughed bitterly, the sound shredding my heart, "No I guess I don't see my life being all that important."
I growled absolutely livid, "Fuck Cazador, fuck him to the firey pits of Avernus. Astarion, listen to me and hear me please. You... you matter. You fucking matter and don't you ever do anything like that ever again. I won't forgive you if you do."
I was right that he'd break my heart. Hearing his confession, I needed Astarion to know his worth, that he was more than his looks. He deserved to be happy, to feel cared for,appreciated,even loved.
I wiped my face, taking a few calming breathes before meeting his eyes once more as I said,"You are worth so much more than what you think you have to offer to others Astarion. I hope one day you'll see it for yourself."
Astarion's eyes softened as he gently cupped my cheeks. He pressed a soft kiss to my mouth.
"I'm am sorry for upsetting you.."He took a deep breath,steadying his voice. "I will do better...thank you for being so kind to me love."
He released me to let me move away from him.
I blinked my eyes a few more times clearing my vision before I asked him,
"What happened to Cazador Astarion? Where is that miserable bastard now?"
I was hesitant about asking him but I wanted to know.
Astarion paused,looking down to me before he said,"I don't wish to bring up more bad memories today,I... I'm just happy here with you now,I can tell you more about Cazador later, I promise."
"I understand, I won't push you about this now." I told him gently.
" Thank you darling. Im certainly a open book for you about everything but my personal past. It's just that it's still too painful to talk about it easily. I know it'll change with more time away from Cazador. "
"Thank you for being so open with me, I know it's hard to trust someone when you don't know a damn thing about them. I know that you haven't been around me long." I told him
Astarion took another deep breath, I watched him intently. He appeared to be trying to summon the courage to ask me something else.
I waited patient for him to voice his thoughts.
" May I ask you something that I probably have no business to be asking .You... you do not need to say yes to this question either," he began shyly, "Have you ever considered the possibility of spending your life with someone?"
He watched my face wary of my answer,"You mean like... a long term relationship? A marriage?" I asked nervous with his line of questioning
Astarion nodded, "I don't know if I'll ever forget how you treated me when we first met," he began quietly. "Or when how you've defended me to Shadowheart, when you saw that she could not understand me. I know that I have already thanked you a lot for your kindness, but... I just, I hope you know how much it means to me."
He cleared his throat. "Would you perhaps... would you consider being with me, long term?"
My heart started racing again, he was voicing the quiet words I was fighting to say myself. I didn't want to sound desperate and make a fool of myself.
The fact he was thinking similarly and has expressed his interest in trying to be something more permanent too, it was unraveling me.
"I..I need to confess something too. "
He looked at me, eyes soft. "Whatever it is, you know you do not need to be afraid to share anything with me,I've opened myself up to you, and I want so much for you to feel comfortable doing the same with me."
Astarion leaned in even closer in order to make sure his next words were spoken only between the two of us. "Please,what is it?"
"I..I think I'm falling in love with you. Its absolutely ridiculous I know. This scares the hell out of me,I don't like taking these risks. I have had some horrible experiences in my life. You've come barreling into my life, like a whirlwind and have shaken me."
Astarion moved by my honest, open admission of my feelings,was quick to reassure me,"You don't need to be afraid of how you feel,love," he placed his hand gently on my cheek. "In fact, I have been feeling the same ever since I met you.We will take this slowly."
I nodded, smiling warmly at him."I am willing to try if you are, just...just don't hurt me please, I'm not sure I could recover from that. "
Astarion smiled,"My dear, thank you for saying you trust me enough to give this a shot." His expression became more serious. "I can not promise that everything will always be sunshine and roses, my dear, I can not promise that you won't have to forgive me for things at times. What I do promise, is that I will always try to be the best version of myself for you, and that I will never ever hurt you on purpose."