-Nic-
I... didn't mean to...
I'd managed to fool myself into thinking there still was hope. I'd pushed through day after day, holding onto that fake hope that I could still make things right. That if I did everything Jax wanted, and everything to prove I loved him with my whole heart, he'd let me come back. It was the only thought that kept me going through that worst week of my entire life. I suffered every second without him next to me. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't sleep or eat or live without him.
But in reality, I knew he wouldn't see me. I knew his parents wouldn't even ask him to see me because they wouldn't let me anywhere near their son ever again. That was why I wrote the letter. I needed him to know how sorry I was. I needed him to know I wanted to make things right. He probably wasn't going to read it, but I had to try.
I needed him so much...
But watching him turn away when he saw me outside his window ripped apart that little bit of false hope I'd still had left. Part of me still insisted on holding on to whatever pieces of it still remained. I tried to convince myself to return home, rest, and rebuild that false hope from scratch, but the rest of me couldn't see it anymore when I walked away...
Walking away had been the worst thing I'd ever had to do in my life...
I don't think I meant to...
There was a large concrete pillar on the side of the street when I drove back home...
I was a horrible person. At that moment, I really understood that. I'd been a horrible person to so many girls. I was a horrible person for not helping Jax when he was getting bullied by my own brother. I was a horrible scumbag for ever accepting the bet. I was a fucking horrible boyfriend for lying to Jax all this time. I was a horrible pile of dirt for almost getting Jax drowned, my actions leaving him greatly injured.
I'd failed so utterly in being a decent fucking human being that I didn't deserve second chances...
There was nothing or no one standing between me and the pillar...
I couldn't breathe. No matter how hard I tried to gasp for air, it wasn't enough. The world was turning dark and scary, like it hated me and wanted me gone. The pain in my chest grew by the second, like I was already dying, poisoned by my own disgusting deeds.
Maybe I did mean to...
Because this world was better off without me...
At least Dad did this one good thing for me. The Porsche he gave me was fast to pick up speed when I hit the pedal to the floor, the pillar now right in front of me.
Maybe now I could finally breathe...
*****
It was dark when I opened my eyes. Dark and quiet. I was tired and numb. It was odd. I could only stare at the ceiling until my eyelids became too heavy to keep open. I could've fallen back to sleep, and I really wanted to, but then I saw the pillar again... Right in front of me...
Was I... dead...?
My body was in pain, but it didn't compare to the pain I felt when I opened my eyes again and peered at the room I was in, realizing I wasn't dead.
No... No, no, no... I wasn't dead... It still wasn't over... I still had to suffer... I wanted it to be over, but instead, I lied in a hospital room, all alone, and the pain in my heart was returning. When I realized I'd have to see my mother's face and explain to her why her beloved son had crashed his car into a pillar, my breathing grew short again.
I'd have to face my mother and tell her I'd tried to kill myself...
I just wanted it to end...
I gasped for air with tears burning in my eyes, and they soon leaked over. I'd failed at ending it... I'd yet again made things worse. So pathetic... How pathetic could I possibly get...? How much worse could I possibly be? I wanted it to end..! I couldn't do this...! I just wanted... I wanted...
I wanted to go home...
The door was opened a moment later, and a nurse stepped in to witness me at my pathetic worst. I tried to wipe away the tears, but my arm was heavy. I couldn't move fast enough. She noticed me awake and gave me a small smile.
"Hey, honey. I didn't know you're awake already," she said soothingly as she made her way to me. "How are you feeling?"
How was I feeling...? Anxious, scared, and I hated myself so much I just wanted to die...
"Oh, don't worry, honey. You're all right now. Everything is fine," she told me gently when I didn't speak. "Is there anything I can get for you?"
Her words made me cry even harder.
"I... Is my Mom...?" I managed to whisper.
"She went home to get some rest," the nurse said. "She's been here with you this entire time. Your brother was also here, and your friends. They were so worried about you... Refused to leave your side..."
"My friends...?" I asked.
"Yes, the girl with the red hair, and the boy with the pink hair," she said.
"Jax...?" I whispered with a gasp.
"Yes, that's him. He was with you when they brought you here. But they're all resting now, and– Oh! It's all right honey. Everything is all right now..."
I'd started crying again, but harder this time.
Jax was here...?
"Can I get you something? Water? Juice? You must be hungry too... I may be able to grab you something small to eat," the nurse spoke, but I shook my head. "Would you like me to call your mom?"
I shook my head again. "I'm... I'm all right... I just... It's night, right? Let her sleep..."
"All right. I'm sure she'll be back first thing in the morning," she told me.
I nodded, finally calming down a little.
Jax was here...
"What... What happened?" I asked hesitantly.
"You were in an accident," she told me gently. "You have some broken bones, and you suffered from third-degree burns, but luckily there were people who got you out of the car just in time before the flames spread. You will be all right."
I nodded again. And I realized... It was easier to breathe...
"Did they... My family and friends... Are they mad at me?" I asked carefully.
"No, no, of course not," she said. "They were really worried about you."
I nodded again and took a deeper breath. "Good... Good..."
"You can go back to sleep," she said with a smile. "Your mom will be here first thing in the morning, and you can speak with your doctor when he comes to check up on you."
"Okay," I said, but I didn't really care about my injuries. All I could think of was Jax.
Was there... still hope?
*****
"I think he's asleep now, but I have some great news."
"What is it?"
Mom?
"He was awake last night. Only for a little bit, but he was awake and talking. He didn't seem disoriented, and he seemed to know what happened. And the first thing he did was to ask for you."
"Oh! Why did no one call me?"
"He's asked not to. He wanted you to get rest."
Mom was here...
"Oh, my baby boy... My sweet darling..." Mom whispered somewhere very close to me, and I felt her hand on my cheek.
"Mom...?" I managed to mutter.
"I'm here, honey," she said, her voice suddenly weak and broken. "I'm right here..."
I fought my eyes open and saw her teary eyes and a shivering smile right next to me.
"Mom..."
"Hey, honey," she said and sniffed hard.
I felt like shit seeing her so weak and tired. "I'm sorry... I... I didn't..."
"It's all right, baby," she said hurriedly. "Everything is all right now. I promise."
"But I'm so, so sorry... I didn't mean to..." I muttered, but choked on my emotions.
"I know, honey, I know. We don't... We don't have to talk about it... Not right now... But I want you to know you will get all the help you need, okay? Everything will be... will be all right, my sweetheart..." she spoke, trying so hard to keep her voice steady while she caressed my shoulder gently.
I nodded, then took a few deep breaths to calm down. We both needed a moment to fight back tears. She looked so broken... I hated myself... I kept hurting everyone I loved...
It broke me. It broke me so completely I lost the fight against my emotions... Mom sat down on the edge of my bed to kiss my forehead, crying as well.
"It's all right, my darling... Mommy's here... Mom's here..." she kept whispering.
I pushed myself to sit up so I could hug her. She wrapped her arms around me and held me tightly, still telling me soothing things between her sobs while I cried against her shoulder. Her hold on me was so tight I knew she was never letting go. And because of that... it was easier to breathe.
"Everything is all right now, I promise," she whispered. "You'll see... You'll see... Everything will be even better than before..."
The door opened again while she spoke, and I carefully peered over her shoulder. I froze as soon as my eyes met with Jax's wide ones, and so did he. Mom let go of me and stepped aside without a word when Jax took a step closer to us.
"Nic...?" he breathed out.
"Jax..." I was suddenly scared... "I'm so sorry, I–"
"Don't," he said, closing his eyes like my words hurt him.
"But I'm–"
"Shut up," he said sharply, his pained eyes meeting mine again, and marched to my bed. "Just shut up," he repeated, his voice now weaker, and pulled me into his arms so hard it hurt my body.
But my soul was healed...
"Jax..." I gasped for air as I hugged him back.
"I'm the one who's sorry," he said. "I was cruel to you. I should've forgiven you days ago..."
His hold on me stayed almost painfully strong with his fingers digging into my back... I could feel how scared he'd been... Scared of... losing me...?
"Jax..." I muttered, sniffing, and hugged him as tightly as I could. "I love you so much..."
"I love you too," he whispered, his strength fading and voice breaking. "I love you so goddamn much... I don't care how it started. I don't care about the fucking bet. I love you, and I need you... I can't stand being without you..."
His words broke me all over again... He... he still loved me...? He didn't...?
"But I hurt you... I lied to you..."
"I don't fucking care..." he whispered. "I just need you to stay with me."
"I need you too... so much..." I told him between my gasps. "I'm so sorry... I love you so much..."
"Stop saying sorry... I'm the one who almost killed you," he begged.
"No, don't say that. I was... I..."
"I read your letter... I read the first line and already knew I needed you back... I tried to call you, but you didn't answer... I saw the smoke... It was my fault... I was so scared I'd lose you..."
"Baby, please... I did a stupid fucking thing. It wasn't your fault," I told him, trying to soothe him, but he shivered in my arms, his tears soaking my shoulder wet.
"Can we just start all over?" he asked and pulled back to see my face. "Please..."
There was so much pain in his eyes...
"I love you. Of course I want to start all over," I told him.
"Promise me you won't try to leave me..." he whispered, wiping away tears, but more kept coming down on his cheeks.
"I promise. I won't leave you. I will never hurt you again," I said, speaking from my heart.
And he smiled at me... It was full of tears, but he was smiling at me. He nodded, his smile fading as his emotions nearly took control of him again. I held him gently, staring at him. My boyfriend, the love of my life... And it hurt to see him like that... He sniffed hard and touched my face, his shivering smile returning.
"How are you feeling?" he asked quietly.
"I'm much better now," I said truthfully.
"Are you in pain?" he asked.
"No. I mean... My legs... I don't... I guess I broke them?" I asked in confusion.
I'd not paid any attention to that.
Jax sniffed harder and fought against his tears, then moved a little on the bed to let me see my lower body. Slowly, I reached to pull the covers aside to reveal the casts on my both legs.
"Is it bad?" I asked.
"Both your legs are broken," Mom said quietly. "Your collarbone too, and your wrist has minor fractures... All from when the... when the front of your... your car..."
I turned to face her, something icy grabbing onto my heart.
"I'm sorry, Mom... I didn't mean to... I was just... I... I lost it... Just for a second... I swear, I didn't mean to..." I muttered.
"It was my fault..." Jax whispered.
I shook my head. "Stop. Please, stop blaming yourself... I didn't mean to hurt myself. I didn't want to, I just... I don't know what happened to me..."
If I'd stayed strong for a little bit longer...
"Can we just...? The nurse said something about burns?" I said, trying to change the subject because I couldn't stand seeing them so sad and scared.
"Oh, uh... They're on your chest and thighs," Jax said. "The seatbelt left a horrible bruise, too..."
"It could've been worse," Mom whispered when I peered inside my gown and saw a big, black line crossing my chest, along with large bandages on my stomach. "The seatbelt saved your life."
"They said..." Jax muttered, sniffed, and tried again. "They said it's possible you would've been completely... completely crushed if... if the engine had been in the front..."
"So... Dad... actually saved my life by giving me that car?" I asked.
They both stared at me for a brief moment, then Jax let out a sad snort and smiled a little.
"I suppose so," he said.
I smiled back at him. "Can we just... not talk about this, okay? I'm sorry. I promise, I didn't want to die. It was just so dark in my head at that very second."
"We don't have to right now... But I promise you'll get the help you need," Mom said, her eyes in tears again when she took my hand in hers. "You're not alone."
"I know," I said, squeezing her hand. "I love you, Mom."
"I love you too, my sweetheart," she said with a smile, wiping her eyes. "Are you hungry? I can go find you something to eat."
"I'm starving, actually," I said, but it wasn't really true. I just wanted to make her feel better.
"Okay. I'll be right back," she said, hugged me, then rubbed Jax's back, and left.
I turned back to Jax. Seeing him right there, standing next to me, gave me so many emotions I couldn't make much sense of it. I'd thought I lost him... That I'd ruined everything so completely that there was no coming back...
"You're going to need a wheelchair for a while," he told me quietly, caressing my shoulder.
"I don't really care," I said. "Things could be so much worse..."
I could be dead right now... Oh, god... What did I do...? If I'd died... I would've died at that very moment Jax had decided to forgive me...
"I don't know what got into me..." I whispered.
"You were spiraling. I should've run after you... I knew you were in so much pain..."
But I wasn't dead, and I was gifted this chance to make things right instead.
"Everything is fine," I said soothingly. "I'll recover, and I swear, I don't want to hurt myself."
"You'd better not," he said, sniffing.
"I promise," I whispered.
He nodded, then sighed. "I don't know what happens next. You don't need other surgeries, but you'll have to stay here for a while..."
"What day is it?" I asked.
"It's... Thursday. You've been here for two days. They kept you asleep while you had the surgeries to fix your legs..."
"Oh... Okay."
Thursday... It was the sixtieth day. The last day of the challenge.
Jax said he loved me...
I shoved the thought of the stupid fucking bet out of my head. It didn't matter. I chose to lose. I'd paid ages ago, and Jax was willing to forgive my cruel stupidity. Now I needed to be better. For him. For everyone.
"Your Mom said something about buying an accessible house for a wheelchair, but she's not said anything about how that's going."
"Oh, uh... She didn't mention...?" I muttered.
One last secret...
"What?" he asked with a frown.
I gave him a timid grin. "I... asked her to buy your house."
He stopped to stare at me, then sighed. "Of course you did..."
"I don't know how that's going, but I think she already placed her offer as soon as you guys listed the house for sale..." I mumbled.
He gave me a stern stare.
"It's wheelchair accessible," I said, trying to act cute, but then remembered... "I mean, if your dads don't hate my guts and can still stand having me around..."
His expression softened. "They do want you back in our lives. They're not angry at you anymore. Pop blames himself for being too harsh on you."
"It's not his fault... He just wanted to protect you," I said.
He watched me in silence, his sadness returning. "Why did everything go so wrong...?"
"Please don't... We can make things right again," I said. "We're together again, and that's all that matters, right?"
"Right," he said, a small smile appearing on his lips.
"Good," I said, smiling as well, but the smile faded the longer I watched him.
I still had a guilty conscience... I'd hurt the person that meant the world to me... I'd kept lying to him for weeks... I'd almost ruined everything.
"I'm so sorry about that bet," I said. "I know I'm a scumbag for–"
He shook his head and hugged me gently. "I forgive you. I should've forgiven you a lot sooner... It was just a stupid challenge..."
Suddenly, all that weight in my chest was gone... I could breathe freely for the first time in weeks.
"I should've told you sooner, way sooner, but I was a coward..." I muttered.
"It's over now," he whispered. "You said it yourself. We're together again, and that's all that matters. We get to start all over again. We get to be happy again, like we are supposed to... We're so good and perfect together. I'm not throwing it away because of a stupid bet."
I nodded and hugged him tighter, unable to find the right words to describe how happy his words made me.
"Sorry," he suddenly said, letting out a tiny laugh. "I forgot you hate that word."
"Perfect?"
"Yeah..."
I breathed out, closing my eyes as I took in his scent and warmth. "If it's about you, I love it."
"I'm far from perfect," he muttered, and I pulled back to see his beautiful face.
"No, you're not," I whispered, smiling and incredibly happy to see my love back in my arms.
And I swore to myself I would do everything right this time. I'd be the man he deserved, and I would never hurt him or break his trust again. I would never do anything to ruin this happiness I had with him.
He smiled at me, the sadness and pain vanishing in his eyes as he stared back at me. And then... he slowly leaned in and pressed his soft lips on mine. That kiss healed a lot in me...
I still couldn't believe it... Jax forgave me...
"I love you," I whispered.
"I love you too," he replied just as softly.
I'd do everything right this time. I'd be the guy he deserved this time.
That I promised.