Lmfao im so stupid
I wrote 8 whole chapters before remembering i had already written shoji in the first book 💀
Anyway I rewrote him to be ojiro instead so we just gonna pretend like this mixup didn't happen :)
Also this a big boy chapter, enjoy
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(M/N) stopped trying to sleep after his first few attempts were interrupted by unspeakable nightmares. After that, he just laid still and did fake breathing whenever someone checked on him. In the morning, he was released from the hospital and instructed to take it easy. Ryuko asked him to record a few lines for a new Mockingjay propo. At lunch, (M/N) kept waiting for people to bring up Katsuki's appearance, but no one did. Someone must have seen it besides him and Denki.
He had training, but Shoto was scheduled to work with Tenya on weapons or something, so he got permission to take Denki to the woods. They wandered around awhile and then ditched their communicators under a bush. When they were a safe distance away, they sat and discussed Katsuki's broadcast.
"I haven't heard one word about it. No one's told you anything?" Denki said. (M/N) shook his head. Denki paused before asking, "Not even Shoto?" (M/N) was clinging to a shred of hope that Shoto honestly knew nothing about Katsuki's message. But he had a bad feeling that wasn't the case. "Maybe he's trying to find a time to tell you privately."
"Maybe," (M/N) said.
They stayed silent for so long that a buck wandered into range and (M/N) took it down with an arrow. Deki hauled it back to the fence.
For dinner, there was minced meat in the stew. Shoto walked (M/N) back to Compartment E after they ate. When (M/N) asked him what was going on, again there was no mention of Katsuki. As soon as his mother and sister were asleep, he slipped the pearl from the drawer and spent a second sleepless night clutching it in his hand, replaying Katsuki's words in his head. "Ask yourself, do you really trust the people you're working with? Do you really know what's going on? And if you don't... find out." Find out what? From who? And how could Katsuki know anything except what the Capitol told him? It was just a Capitol propo. More noise. But if Kan thought it was just that, why didn't he tell (M/N) about it? Why didn't anyone let him or Denki know?
Under this debate was the real source of his distress: Katsuki. What had they done to him? And what were they doing to him right now? Clearly, Nezu did not buy the story that he and Katsuki knew nothing about the rebellion. And his suspicions had been reinforced, now that (M/N) had come out as the Mockingjay. Katsuki could only guess about the rebel tactics or make up things to tell his torturers. Lies, once discovered, would be severely punished. How abandoned by (M/N) he must have felt. In his first interview, he tried to protect (M/N) from the Capitol and rebels alike, and not only had (M/N) failed to protect him, he brought down more horrors upon Katsuki.
In the morning, (M/N) stuck his forearm in the wall and stared groggily at the day's schedule. Immediately after breakfast, he was slated for Production. In the dining hall, as he downed his hot grain and milk and mushy beets, he spotted a communicuff on Shoto's wrist. "When did you get that back, Soldier Todoroki?" (M/N) asked.
"Yesterday. They thought if I was going to be in the field with you, it could be a backup system of communication," Shoto said.
No one had ever offered (M/N) a communicuff. He wondered if he asked for one, would he get it? "Well, I guess one of us has to be accessible," he said with an edge to his voice.
"What's that mean?" Shoto said.
"Nothing. Just repeating what you said," (M/N) told him. "And I totally agree that the accessible one should be you. I just hope I still have access to you as well."
Their eyes locked, and (M/N) realised how furious he was with Shoto. That he didn't believe for a second that his friend didn't see Katsuki's propo. That he felt completely betrayed that Shoto didn't tell him about it. They knew each other too well for Shoto not to read his mood and guess what had caused it.
"(M/N)-" he began. Already the admission of guilt in his tone.
(M/N) grabbed his tray, crossed to the deposit area and slammed the dishes onto the rack. By the time he was in the hallway, Shoto had caught up with him.
"Why didn't you say something?" Shoto asked, taking (M/N)'s arm.
"Why didn't I?" (M/N) jerked his arm free. "Why didn't you, Shoto? And I did, by the way, when I asked you last night about what had been going on!"
"I'm sorry. All right? I didn't know what to do. I wanted to tell you, but everyone was afraid that seeing Katsuki's propo would make you sick," Shoto said.
"They were right. It did. But not quite as sick as you lying to me for Kaina." At that moment, the communicuff started beeping. "There she is. Better run. You have things to tell her."
For a moment, real hurt registered on Shoto's face. Then cold anger replaced it. He turned on his heel and left. Maybe (M/N) had been too spiteful, not given Shoto enough time to explain. Maybe everyone was just trying to protect him by lying to him. He didn't care. He was sick of people lying to him for his own good. Because really it was mostly for their own good. Lie to (M/N) about the rebellion so he doesn't do anything crazy. Send him into the arena without a clue so we can fish him out. Don't tell him about Katsuki's propo because it might make him sick, and it is hard enough to get a decent performance out of him as it is.
(M/N) did feel sick. Heartsick. And too tired for a day of production. But he was already at Remake, so he went in. Today, he discovered, they would be returning to District 12. Ryuko wanted to do unscripted interviews with him and Shoto, throwing light on their demolished city.
"If you're both up for that," Ryuko said, looking closely at (M/N)'s face.
"Count me in," he said. He stood, uncommunicative and stiff, a mannequin, as his prep team dressed him, did his hair and dabbed make-up on his face. Not enough to show, only enough to take the edge off the circles under his sleepless eyes.
Mashirao escorted him down to the Hanger, but they didn't talk beyond a preliminary greeting. (M/N) was grateful to be spared another exchange about his disobedience in 8, especially since Mashirao's mask looked so uncomfortable.
At the last moment, he remembered to send a message to his mother about leaving 13, and stressed that it wouldn't be dangerous. They boarded a hovercraft for the short ride to 12 and he was directed to a seat at a table where Kan, Shoto and Ryuko were poring over a map. Kan was brimming with satisfaction as he showed (M/N) the before and after effects of the first couple of propos. The rebels, who were barely maintaining a foothold in several districts, had rallied. They had actually taken 3 and 11 - the latter so crucial since it was Panem's main food supplier - and had made inroads in several other districts as well.
"Hopeful. Very hopeful indeed," Kan said. "We're going to have the first round of We Remember spots ready tonight, so we can target the individual districts with their dead. Denki's absolutely marvellous."
"It's painful to watch, actually," Ryuko said. "He knew so many of them personally."
"That's what makes it so effective," Kan said. "Straight from the heart. You're all doing so beautifully, Kaina could not be more pleased."
Shoto didn't tell them, then. About (M/N) pretending to not see Katsuki and his anger at their cover-up. But it was too little, too late, because he still couldn't let it go. It didn't matter. Shoto wasn't speaking to him, either.
It wasn't until they landed in the Meadow that (M/N) realised Shota wasn't among their company. When he asked Kan about his absence, he just shook his head and said, "He couldn't face it."
"Shota? Not able to face something? Wanted a day off, more likely," (M/N) said.
"I think his actual words were 'I couldn't face it without a bottle'," Kan said.
(M/N) rolled his eyes, long out of patience with his mentor, his weakness for drink, and what he could or couldn't confront. But about five minutes after his return to 12, (M/N) was wishing he had a bottle himself. He thought he had come to terms with 12's demise - heard of it, seen it from the air, and wandered through its ashes. So why did everything bring on a fresh pang of grief? Was he simply too out of it before to fully register the loss of his world? Or was it the look on Shoto's face as he took in the destruction on foot that made the atrocity feel brand-new?
Ryuko directed her team to start with (M/N) at his old house. (M/N) asked her what she wanted him to do. "Whatever you feel like," she said. Standing back in his kitchen, (M/N) didn't feel like doing anything. In fact, he found himself focusing up at the sky - the only roof left - because too many memories were drowning him. After a while, Ryuko said, "That's fine, (M/N). Let's move on."
Shoto didn't get off so easily at his old address. Ryuko filmed him in silence for a few minutes, but just as he pulled the one remnant of his previous life from the ashes - a twisted metal poker - she started to question him about his family, his job, life in the Seam. She made him go back to the night of the firebombing and re-enact it starting at his house, working his way down across the Meadow and through the woods to the lake. (M/N) straggled behind the film crew and the bodyguards, feeling their presence to be a violation of his beloved woods. This was a private place, a sanctuary, already corrupted by the Capitol's evil. Even after they had left behind the charred stumps near the fence, they were still tripping over decomposing bodies. Did they have to record it for everyone to see?
By the time they reached the lake, Shoto seemed to have lost his ability to speak. Everyone was dripping in sweat - especially Tamaki and Eijiro in their insect shells - and Ryuko called for a break. (M/N) scooped up handfuls of water from the lake, wishing he could dive in and surface alone and naked and unobserved. He wandered the perimeter for a while. When he came back around to the little concrete house beside the lake, he paused in the doorway and saw Shoto propping the crooked poker he salvaged against the wall by the hearth. For a moment he had an image of a lone stranger, sometime far in the future, wandering lost in the small wilderness and coming upon this small place of refuge, with the pile of split logs, the hearth, the poker. Wondering how it came to be. Shoto turned and met his eyes and (M/N) knew he was thinking about their last meeting there. When they fought over whether or not to run away. If they had, would District 12 still be there? (M/N) thought it would. But the Capitol would still be in control of Panem as well.
Cheese sandwiches were passed around and they ate them in the shade of the trees. (M/N) intentionally sat at the far edge of the group, next to Tamaki, so he didn't have to talk. No one was talking much, really. In the relative quiet, the birds took back the woods. (M/N) nudged Tamaki with his elbow and pointed out a small black bird with a crown. It hopped to a new branch, momentarily opening its winds, showing off its white patches. Tamaki gestured to (M/N)'s pin and raised his eyebrows questioningly. (M/N) nodded, confirming it was a mockingjay. (M/N) held up one finger to say Wait, I'll show you, and whistled a bird call. The mockingjay cocked its head and whistled the call back at him. Then, to his surprise, Tamaki whistled a few notes of his own. The bird answered him immediately. Tamaki's face broke into an expression of delight and he had a series of melodic exchanges with the mockingjay. (M/N)'s guess was that it was the first conversation he was able to have in years. Music drew mockingjays like blossoms did bees, and in a short while he had half a dozen of them perched in the branches over their heads. He tapped (M/N) on the arm and used a twig to write a word in the dirt SING?
Usually, (M/N) would decline, but it was kind of impossible to say no to Tamaki, given the circumstances. Besides, the mockingjays' song voices were different from their whistles, and (M/N) wanted him to hear them. So, before he actually thought about what he was doing, he sang Wendy's four notes, the ones she used to signal the end of the workday in 11. The notes that ended up as the background music to her murder. The birds didn't know that. They picked up the simple phrase and bounced it back and forth between them in sweet harmony. Just as they did in the Hunger Games before the mutations broke through the trees, chased them on to the Cornucopia and slowly gnawed Mirio to a bloody pulp-
"Want to hear them do a real song?" (M/N) burst out. Anything to stop those memories. He was on his feet, moving back into the trees, resting his hand on the rough trunk of a maple where the birds perched. He had not sung "The Hanging Tree" out loud for ten years, because it was forbidden, but he remembered every word. He began softly, as his father did.
"Are you, are you
Coming to the tree
Where they strung up a man they say murdered three.
Strange things did happen here
No stranger would it be
If we met at midnight in the hanging tree."
The mockingjays began to alter their songs as they became aware of the new offering.
"Are you, are you
Coming to the tree
Where the dead man called out for his love to flee.
Strange things did happen here
No stranger would it be
If we met at midnight in the hanging tree."
He had the birds' attention now. In one more verse, they would have captured the melody, as it was simple and repeated four times with little variation.
"Are you, are you
Coming to the tree
Where I told you to run, so we'd both be free.
Strange things did happen here
No stranger would it be
If we met at midnight in the hanging tree."
A hush in the trees. Just the rustle of leaves in the breeze. But no birds, mockingjay or other. Katsuki was right. They did fall silent when he sang. Just as they did for his father.
"Are you, are you
Coming to the tree
Wear a necklace of rope, side by side with me.
Strange things did happen here
No stranger would it be
If we met at midnight in the hanging tree."
The birds were waiting for him to continue. But that was it. The last verse. In the stillness (M/N) remembered the scene. He was home from a day in the woods with his father. Sitting on the floor with Eri, who was just a toddler, singing "The Hanging Tree". Making them necklaces out of scraps of old rope like it said in the song, not knowing the real meaning of the words. The tune was simple and easy to harmonise to, though, and back then (M/N) could memorise almost anything set to music after a round or two. Suddenly, his mother snatched the rope necklaces away and was yelling at his father. (M/N) started to cry because she never yelled, and then Eri was wailing and he ran outside to hide. As he had exactly one hiding spot - in the Meadow under a bush - his father found him immediately. He calmed (M/N) down and told him everything was fine, only they had better not sing that song anymore. His mother just wanted him to forget it. So, of course, every word was immediately, irrevocably branded into his brain.
They didn't sing anymore, (M/N) and his father, or even speak of it. After he died, it used to come back to (M/N) a lot. Being older, he began to understand the lyrics. At the beginning, it sounds like a guy is trying to get his girlfriend to secretly meet up with him at midnight. But it was an odd place, a hanging tree, where a man was hanged for murder. The murderer's lover must have had something to do with the killing, or maybe they were just going to punish her anyway, because his corpse called out for her to flee. That was weird, but it wasn't until the third verse that "The Hanging Tree" began to get unnerving. (M/N) realised the singer of the song was the dead murderer. He was still in the hanging tree. And even though he told his lover to flee, he keeps asking if she's coming to meet him. The phrase Where I told you to run, so we'd both be free was the most troubling because at first it seems like he's talking about when he told her to flee, presumably to safety. But then (M/N) wondered if he meant for her to run to him. To death. In the final stanza, it was clear that that's what he's waiting for. His lover, with her rope necklace, hanging dead next to him in the tree.
(M/N) used to think the murderer was the creepiest guy imaginable. Now, with a couple of trips to the Hunger Games under his belt, (M/N) decided not to judge him without knowing more details. Maybe his lover was already sentenced to death and he was trying to make it easier. To let her know he would be waiting. Or maybe he really thought the place he was leaving her was really worse than death.
After the second Games, (M/N) was going to kill Katsuki with that syringe to save him from the Capitol. He probably had other options, but he couldn't think of another at the time.
(M/N) guessed his mother thought the whole thing was too twisted for a seven-year-old, though. Especially one who made his own rope necklaces. It wasn't like hanging was something that only happened in a story. Plenty of people were executed that way in 12. As (M/N) glanced sideways, he saw Eijiro had been taping him. Everyone was watching him intently. Tamaki had tears running down his cheeks because no doubt (M/N)'s freaky song had dredged up some terrible incident in his life.
Great. (M/N) sighed and leaned back against the trunk. That was when the mockingjays began their rendition of "The Hanging Tree". In their mouths, it was quite beautiful. Conscious of being filmed, (M/N) stood quietly until he heard Ryuko call, "Cut!"
Kan crossed over to him, laughing. "Where do you come up with this stuff? No one would believe it if we made it up!" He threw an arm around (M/N) and kissed him on the top of his head. "You're golden!"
"I wasn't doing it for the cameras," (M/N) said, leaning away.
"Lucky they were on, then," Kan said. "Come on, everybody, back to town!"
As they trudged back through the woods, they reached a boulder, and both Shoto and (M/N) turned their heads in the same direction, like a pair of dogs catching a scent on the wind. Ryuko noticed and asked what laid that way. They both admitted, without acknowledging each other, it was their old hunting rendezvous place. She wanted to see it, even after they told her it was nothing really.
Nothing but a place where I was happy, (M/N) thought.
Their rock ledge overlooking the valley. Perhaps a little less green than usual, but the blackberry bushes hung heavy with fruit. Here began countless days of hunting and snaring, fishing and gathering, roaming together through the woods, unloading their thoughts while they filled their game bags. This was the doorway to both sustenance and sanity. And they were each other's key.
There was no District 12 to escape from now, no Peacekeepers to trick, no hungry mouths to feed. The Capitol took away all of that, and (M/N) was on the verge of losing Shoto as well. The glue of mutual need that bonded them tightly together for all those years was melting away. Dark patches, not light, showed in the spaces between them. How could it be that today, in the face of 12's horrible demise, they were too angry to speak to each other?
Shoto as good as lied to (M/N). That was unacceptable, even if he was concerned about (M/N)'s well-being. His apology seemed genuine, though. And (M/N) threw it back at his face with an insult to make sure it stung. What was happening to them? Why were they always at odds now? It was all a muddle, but somehow (M/N) felt that if he went back to the root of their troubles, his actions would be at the heart of it. Did he really want to drive Shoto away?
(M/N)'s fingers encircled a blackberry and plucked it from its stem. He rolled it gently between his thumb and forefinger. Suddenly, he turned to Shoto and tossed it in his direction. "May the odds-" (M/N) said. He threw it high so Shoto had plenty of time to decide whether to knock it aside or accept it.
Shoto's eyes trained on (M/N), not the berry, but at the last moment, he opened his mouth and caught it. He chewed, swallowed, and there was a long pause before he said "- be ever in your favour." But he did say it.
Ryuko had them sit in the nook in the rocks, where it was impossible not to be touching, and coaxed them into talking about hunting. What drove them out into the woods, how they met, favourite moments. They thawed, began to laugh a little, as they talked about accidents with bees and wild dogs and skunks. When the conversation turned to how it felt to translate their skill with weapons to the bombing in 8. (M/N) stopped talking. Shoto just said, "Long overdue."
By the time they reached the town square, afternoon was sinking into evening. (M/N) took Ryuko to the rubble of the bakery and asked her to film something. The only emotion he could muster was exhaustion. "Katsuki, this is your home. None of your family has been heard of since the bombing. Twelve is gone. And you're calling for a ceasefire?" (M/N) looked across the emptiness. "There's no one left to hear you."
As they stood before the lump of metal that was the gallows, Ryuko asked if either of them had ever been tortured. In answer, Shoto pulled off his shirt and turned his back to the camera. (M/N) stared at the lash marks, and again heard the whistling of the whip, saw his bloody figure hanging unconscious by his wrists.
"I'm done," (M/N) announced. "I'll meet you at the Victor's Village. Something for... my mother."
(M/N) couldn't remember the walk there, because the next thing he was conscious of was sitting on the floor in front of the kitchen cabinets of their house. Meticulously lining ceramic jars and glass bottles into a box. Placing clean cotton bandages between them to prevent breaking. Wrapping bunches of dried flowers.
Suddenly, he remembered the rose. Was it real? If so, was it still up there? He had to resist the temptation to check. If it was there, it would only frighten him all over again. He hurried with his packing.
When the Cabinets were empty, (M/N) rose to find that Shoto had appeared in his kitchen. It was disturbing how soundlessly he could appear. He was leaning on the table, his fingers spread wide against the wood grain. (M/N) set the box between them. "Remember?" Shoto asked. "This is where you kissed me."
So the heavy dose of morphling administered after the whipping wasn't enough to erase that from his memory. "I didn't think you'd remember that," (M/N) said.
"Have to be dead to forget. Maybe even not then," Shoto told him. "Maybe I'll be like that man in 'The Hanging Tree'. Still waiting for an answer." Shoto, who (M/N) had never seen cry, had tears in his eyes. To keep them from spilling over, (M/N) reached forward and pressed his lips against Shoto's. Shoto pulled away first and gave him a wry smile. "I knew you'd kiss me."
"How?" (M/N) said. Because he didn't know himself.
"Because I'm in pain," Shoto said. "That's the only way I get your attention." He picked up the box. "Don't worry, (M/N). It'll pass." He left before (M/N) could answer.
(M/N)) was too weary to work through his latest charge. He spent the short ride back to 13 curled up in a seat, trying to ignore Kan going on about one of his favourite subjects - weapons mankind no longer had at its disposal. High-flying planes, military satellites, cell disintegrators, drones, biological weapons with expiration dates. Brought down by the destruction of the atmosphere or lack of resources or moral squeamishness. (M/N) could hear the regret of a Head Gamemaker who could only dream of such toys, who had to make do with hovercraft and land-to land missiles and plain old guns.
After dropping off his Mockingjay suit, (M/N) went straight to bed without eating. Even so, Eri had to shake him to get him up in the morning. After breakfast, he ignored his schedule and took a nap in the supply room. When he came to, crawling out from between the boxes of chalk and pencils, it was dinner time again. He got an extra-large portion of pea soup and was headed back to Compartment E when Mashirao intercepted him.
"There's a meeting in Command. Disregard your current schedule," he said.
"Done," (M/N) said.
"Did you follow it at all today?" Mashirao asked in exasperation.
"Who knows? I'm mentally disoriented." He held up his wrist to show his medical bracelet and realised it was gone. "See? I can't even remember they took my bracelet. Why do they want me in Command? Did I miss something?"
"I think Ryuko wanted to show you the Twelve propos. But I guess you'll see them when they air," Mashirao said.
People had crowded into Command, but they saved (M/N) a seat between Denki and Kan. The screens were already up on the table, showing the regular Capitol feed.
"What's going on? Aren't we seeing the Twelve propos?" (M/N) asked
"Oh, no," Kan said. "I mean, possibly. I don't know exactly what footage Tenya plans to use."
"Tenya thinks he's found a way to break into the feed nationwide," Denki said. "So that our propos will air in the Capitol, too. He's down working on it in Special Defence now. There's live programming tonight. Nezu's making an appearance or something. I think it's starting."
The Capitol seal appeared, underscored by the anthem. Then (M/N) was staring directly into President Nezu's eyes as he greeted the nation. He seemed barricaded behind his podium, but the white rose in his lapel was in full view. The camera pulled back to include Katsuki, off to one side in front of a projected map of Panem. Beads of sweat had broken through the layer of powder on his upper lip and forehead. But it was the look in his eyes - angry yet unfocused - that frightened (M/N) the most.
"He's worse," (M/N) whispered. Denki grasped his hand, to give him an anchor.
Katsuki began to speak in a frustrated tone about the need for a ceasefire. He highlighted the damage done to key infrastructure in various districts, and as he spoke, parts of the map lit up, showing images of destruction. A broken dam in 7. A derailed train with a pool of toxic waste spilling from tank cars. A granary collapsing after a fire. All of these he attributed to rebel action.
Suddenly, without warming, (M/N) was on television, standing in the rubble of the bakery.
Kan jumped to his feet. "He did it! Tenya broke in!"
The room was buzzing with reaction when Katsuki came back, distracted. He had seen (M/N) on the monitor. He tried to pick up his speech by moving on to the bombing of a water purification plant, when a clip of Denki talking about Wendy replaced him. And then the whole thing broke down into a broadcast battle, as the Capitol tech masters tried to fend off Tenya's attack. But they were unprepared, and Tenya, apparently anticipating he would not hold on to control, had an arsenal of five to ten second clips to work with. They watched the official presentation deteriorate as it was peppered with choice shots from the propos.
Kan was in complete delight and mostly everybody was cheering Tenya on, but Denki remained still and speechless beside (M/N). (M/N) met Shota's eyes from across the room and saw his own dread mirrored back. The recognition that with every cheer, Katsuki slipped even further from their grasp.
The Capitol seal was back up, accompanied by a flat audio tone. It lasted about twenty seconds before Nezu and Katsuki returned. The set was in turmoil. Nezu moved forward, saying that clearly the rebels were now attempting to disrupt the dissemination of information they found incriminating, but both truth and justice would reign. The full broadcast would resume when security had been reinstated. He asked Katsuki if, given tonight's demonstration, he had any parting thoughts for (M/N) (L/N).
At the mention of his name, Katsuki's face contorted with effort. "(M/N)... how do you think this will end? What will be left? No one is safe. Not in the Capitol. Not in the districts. And you... in Thirteen..." He inhaled sharply, as if fighting for air. His eyes looked insane. "Dead by morning!"
Off camera, Nezu ordered, "End it!" Tenya threw the whole thing into chaos by flashing a still shot of (M/N) standing in front of the hospital at three-second intervals. But between the images, they were privy to the real-life action being played out on the set. Katsuki's attempt to continue speaking. The camera knocked down to record the white tiled floor. The scuffle of boots. The impact of the blow that was inseparable from Katsuki's cry of pain.
And his blood as it splattered the tiles.
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