There was darkness for a while. A quiet, breathless abyss that stole me from the world. When I was alive, this was how my brain took over whenever I felt overwhelmed. It wasn't often that my body had to take over completely and utterly until I was an empty vessel in the world, hiding my soul from those who hurt me.
This time I wasn't hurt. Not physically at least. Not like in my past where purple and yellow decorated my skin like a beam of an SOS.
In this perfect world, it didn't sting to think of what was happening to me. That a God of the Underworld declared my body his to use. His to take however he deemed fit. It would be so I could stay with him, forever.
That's a strange thought.
Someone actually wanted me to stay.
And Hades had no idea who I was, no matter what he thought.
"Nicole." Hades murmured to me, quietly. A gentle touch to my cheek, lingered with his hot breath, his scent that only the God could have.
Ash and fire.
Suffocating and intoxicating all in the same. His touch on my body lights makes my veins turn into pyromaniacs, wishing for more, wanting to devour my entire body in the flames he promises.
"You're fine, love." He whispered even quieter than before. "You can come back now. You can't hide in that mind of yours forever."
I refused to look at him and instead, nuzzled my face into his chest, inhaling in scent with the hope it would go away. But it never did. My body wanted more. "How do you know?"
Of the darkness in my mind I escape to?
That I'd had enough trauma to last my lifeline?
Where I go when I need to run but can't?
"You've done this before, little shade."
"You don't know me!" I yell but even I know, it's a lie. He knows everything about me, well the past me but there seems to be no difference in them.
"You came to me so broken once." He adjusted me into his lap, holding me as if I was his world, "So broken. I didn't know what happened to you. How to help you. I won't make that mistake twice. So, please, stay with me this time."
With a limp nod, he started rocking us.
Staring into the fire, as if he were in his own world, he sighed, "I've been waiting twelve years to have this moment. I've missed you so much, my little shade. I've been too rough with you, it's just, you seem different this time around."
When I finally looked at him, like really looked at him, he was watching me in amazement.
"A fighter. Sassy beyond belief. And an adrenaline junky." He named off a few with a smile twitching his lip until it finally lifted when my jaw dropped.
"The adrenaline thing is new." I fought the smile threatening to match his. "And you're wrong about the other things. I am the furthest thing from a fighter. And don't try to get away from what you said before. You can't just declare to impregnate me!"
He laughed, a deep belly laugh that shook us both. "Nicole, Gods above, it still feels odd calling you that. I wonder if that's always been your name." He stared off again, lost in his own mind, leaving me behind even if his fingers dug into my body to keep me close.
"We only have a few weeks before you leave me again. I need to do everything I can to keep you here. You are not leaving me again. I don't care if you come to hate me for what I have to do."
"-I will hate you."
"Knowing you are here, with me, is all that matters. I'd keep you safe from the cruel world that has done nothing but hurt you all these times."
"-How would you even know that?"
"Someone has always betrayed you, to kill your soul and spirit. Cancer. Car accident because of a drunk friend. Overdose. Then a bullet to your head. Never once have you come to me at your own will."
I glared at him with a deep pit of something swirling in my stomach. Feelings of despair formed after the words had already left my mouth, "Depression."
"Depression."
His echo should have warned me not to say it. Not to pour my heart out, but it felt so right to. Being held in his arms as he promised me to keep me safe, it felt so, so fucking right.
"I had a decent life. Had supportive loving parents. Got accepted into college on a scholarship but it didn't feel like enough. It never did. Something was always missing. Most of the time, I'd read to keep my mind off of it but sometimes that didn't help and I was left alone with my thoughts. I felt like a burden to everyone, my parents, friends, even my therapist who I saw three times a week."
"Therapist."
"Yeah, you know, a person you talk to about your feelings. She was this nice little old lady. Dr. M. I could never pronounce her real name. My parents would call her in the middle of the night when I hadn't slept in a few days. God, I put them through hell."
"-I'm sorry, I'm trying to catch up. The world has changed so much since Nix."
"I had trouble sleeping. My mind would race for days. It was a never ending of what if. What if I wasn't alive. What would I deal with then? Would it be complete darkness or would this hole in my chest finally heal itself? I thought it would be like pulling a plug. That there was nothing after this. Boy, was I wrong."
"For some it's like that. Nothingness. The soul knows where to go."
I hummed, barely listening to him. Even if I clung to him, it felt like I was finally venting to myself. All my life I thought everything I felt, I let it fester and build in my mind, intoxicating me until right this moment. It didn't seem like he minded as he absentmindedly stroked my hair and I clung to him, as if the world would turn to nothingness like I predicted.
That thought alone made me sick to my stomach.
"I turned twenty one. I went out with friends, well my best friend Chloe, she forced me out. She always thought she knew what was best for me. She did most of the time, dragging me around when all I wanted to do was sit home and wallow in self pity. I left the bar after a drink and decided I was done."
"You killed yourself." Hades finished the story for me, as if the concept was simple. At the time, it was anything but simple.
I nodded with a forced exhale. My heart ached at the thought of what I did to my parents, my friends, how I left them so easily without a second thought.
"Jumped off the highest bridge in town after taking the bottle of my anti-anxiety meds. To think about it, I didn't even hesitate. It felt right. I didn't want to be on Earth anymore."
Hades squeezed me tighter, his own heart hammering in his chest. "You came to save me, little shade."
"That's nice of you to think, Hades but I'm just a failure. I gave up. I ran away from my life the easiest way possible."
"No, no, Nicole. You ran to me. You felt the pull between us even a whole world away. You were never going to fit into a life on Earth among humans when you belong with me among the Gods. I didn't understand it at first. Why the Fates were punishing me with you. Why would they make me fall for an entity that would leave me over and over but I had a lot of time without you to think about it."
I got lost in his eyes as they swirled with such a vibrant purple, I thought, they couldn't be real. Maybe this wasn't real. Maybe in the afterlife I hallucinate happiness.
"What conclusion did you come to?"
His fingers brushed against my cheek until he was cradling me. "That we weren't ready for each other."
"Are we now?"
"Gods, I hope so, because I can't imagine life without you for another moment let alone another six years."
He leaned forward, whispering against my lips unspoken promises. Wrapping my hand into the back of his head, I held him a breath away.
"I'm not over what you said earlier."
He smiled, teasingly, happily, every emotion I felt, he had no issues showing it. "You don't have much of a choice, little tease. You'll be my pregnant queen any day now."
Fingers curled around the bottom of my shirt, shoving it up and out of the way. Before I could protest, declare that I'll fight him every step of the way, he forced his lips onto mine as a silencer. All resolve washed away when he poured every ounce of love he has for Nix into me.
But I wondered if it was love for me too.