Kyra
******
My legs burned as I ran, and the tiredness in my bones threatened to swallow me whole, but I did not stop once as I bolted through the forest. My mind raced, trying to recall the foggy memories of what took place no more than ten minutes ago when really, in my head, it felt like a lifetime ago. I could remember Azriel gaining control of me, and then sending me over to attack Raina. I was already upon her before I even knew what was happening, what was going on, and after that... the memories became obscure.
Blood spraying. Screaming. Terrified eyes. It was all I remembered after that. Where had I attacked Raina? How badly was she hurt? The questions ran laps around my mind as I forced myself onwards, my eyes stinging at thoughts of the worst.
When I burst from the tree line and stumbled into the court grounds, my heart sank as I saw the Northern soldiers all gathered in a circle. For a moment, my breaths became shallow, and the air around me dropped several degrees. I sensed Faelen following silently behind, but I paid him no heed as I sprinted towards the circle, my heart beating a foreboding tune as I ran.
As I approached, I noticed several things. For one, Azriel's army had dispersed, the only evidence of their prescence being the bodies littering the grounds. Secondly, a familiar head of auburn hair burst out among the colours in the circle, and I allowed myself a moment of reprieve as I spied Alia to the left. Zion and Alia are back -- safe. Of course, nobody in the Southern Army would have thought to bring them back. The Zeta who held their chains had died, and I'd chased Azriel out before he could reclaim them. I'd have to thank whichever kind soul took off their shackles and welcomed them into the court with question.
However, my relief dwindled as an aggrieved cry met my ears. Bile rose to my throat, and I hurriedly pushed my way into the circle, not caring who I shoved aside. The bodies blocked my view of the centre, though I had an idea of what was to greet me just by the sounds of the cries. My blood turned to ice, and when I finally made it to the centre, my body froze, and the world stopped spinning entirely.
The first thing I saw was Azure. At first, I was relieved to see she was okay -- until I spied the blood coating her forehead and forearms. I looked down to find her clutching a girl like a lifeline.
At first, I didn't recognise the girl in her arms. Or maybe my mind just refused to. Her golden hair was caked with the russet stain of dried blood, and her pale face was tinged blue and grey. Anything below her chin was unrecognisable. Her throat was in ribbons, the blood from the violent wound spanning all the way up to her mouth and down to the skin of her bare navel.
Raina. Her name echoed through my hollow mind. Everything around me turned to ice in that moment. I didn't want to believe she was dead. I couldn't bring myself to believe that she could have died -- let alone by such a violent death.
Another strangled cry ripped from Azure's throat, resounding through my very bones. My heart called back, empty and hollow, as I sunk to my knees. The memories rushed back to me in an instant, ambushing my mind and forcing a horrible sound from my throat. I was the one who did this. I'd been the one to tear her throat out -- even if Azriel was the one controlling me. It was her blood I'd tasted in my mouth; her flesh that I'd marred. It was my teeth that had ripped her apart. It was me. All me.
I choked, staring at my friend's broken body. Some inane part of me felt the need to apologise, but to what? To the body? The body of girl that I killed? My own friend? The damage had been done. Any sorrows from me were null and void.
I choked on a sob, suddenly remembering the way she had refused to fight back, even as I tore into her like a savage monster. Even in her final moments, Raina had refused to lay a finger on her friend.
So, what does that make me?
I looked to my hands. My blood-covered hands, the red liquid hardening into the lines of my palms, setting my title as murderer into stone. Panic rose to my throat, and I hastily wiped my fingers against the wetness of my jaw, hands shaking when I withdrew them to find more crimson blood laying there. I rubbed again and again, smearing blood all over my face, my breaths turning to panicked gasps as I tried wipe away the stain of murder on my skin. My gasps turned to strangled sobs, and tears soon followed. All the while, my eyes remained glued to Raina's body, to the violent mess of her beautiful skin.
You did this you did this you did this.
I could feel eyes on me as I scrubbed at my skin, my movements growing more frantic by the second as I began scratching, clawing away at the layers. My flesh tore and bleed, my hot blood mingling with the cold blood of my friend's until I finally broke down into a fit of hysterics. It felt like I was going insane. I looked to Azure. Her body trembled with grief, her cries cleaving my very soul in half. I shook violently. I stared at her oyster-red, tear-filled eyes -- urging them to look at me even though she refused to meet my gaze. I couldn't even begin to convey my sorrows to her, to repent for what I'd done.
Just then, someone wrapped their arms around me, pinning my hands to my sides and allowing me to breathe for a moment. I swallowed thickly as a wall of warmth pressed against my cold skin.
"It's okay," Zion whispered into my ear. I twisted to look at him. His olive-green eyes gleamed in the rising sun, and his face -- while beautiful -- bore the marks of pain and torment which had plagued him these last couple of months.
Still, he was here. Alive. Safe. Holding me.
I sobbed; my heart torn to pieces. Wordlessly, Zion cupped the back on my head and pulled my face against his shoulder. I cried into the flimsy cotton of his white shirt, using that little pocket of safety to hide away from the nightmare that was my reality.
At that moment, a strange emotion invaded me. It felt foreign, as though it wasn't even mine, and yet I felt it all the same -- jealousy. It was only for a moment, for a flash, but it was enough to make me balk. In the back of my mind, the question formed -- what could possibly make me feel jealous in a moment like this? Where all I can feel is my bottomless grief and guilt?
And then I realised -- I wasn't the one who was feeling it. My body went deathly still. Slowly, I turned my head away from Zion, and there he was -- standing just several yards behind me. Faelen's eyes met mine -- full of hurt and sorrow -- and a whisper of regret echoed into my mind. Then another. Then another.
Slowly, I peeled away from Zion's embrace and rose to my feet. As I did, I gained a strange moment of clarity -- allowing me a second to put the pieces together. Faelen had said he 'claimed' me, back in the forest just after Azriel got away. I was too distraught to hear his words back then, but now, feeling his emotions pump down into my soul, I realized what he'd done.
He'd mated me. He'd put the mate bond on me, even though he'd told me beforehand that such a thing wasn't possible.
More than that -- Azriel's bond had been eradicated the moment the mate bond had set into place. I recalled the feeling of the mate bond hunting down Azriel's bond in my mind, consuming it. Azriel had no more control over me now that the bond was gone. He'd never have control over me again.
But it was too late. The damage had been done.
"You," I hissed, all my grief and guilt concentrating into rage. Pure, bottomless rage, aimed right at my mate.
Faelen bowed his head, shame pulsating down the mate bond. "I'm sorry, Kyra."
"YOU COULD HAVE PREVENTED THIS!" I screamed. My voice pierced the thick air around us. Everyone else remained silent. "You told me the mate bond was broken because you rejected me. You told me a mate bond couldn't eradicate a false bond. YOU LIED!"
Silence. The atmosphere felt heavy. I gasped for air, not removing my eyes from Faelen.
Faelen looked at the ground. "You're right, Kyra. I lied about the mate bond. I just. I don't..." he paused, blowing out a shaky breath. Then, he looked at me, his eyes looking a little misty. "I'm sorry."
"Sorry?" I yelled back, my voice strangled. "SORRY? What are you sorry for, Faelen? My friend is dead because you failed to act!" I sucked in a shuddering breath. "You knew that the mate bond would eradicate Azriel's false bond. You could have liberated me from Azriel's control, but you chose not to. We could have won this war. Raina would still be alive. You knew and yet you chose to let him win!"
Faelen stared at me, stunned. "I didn't--" he shook his head. "I didn't know if it would work for certain, Kyra. I wasn't lying about that. It's a known fact that trying to replace a false bond with a mate bond is very risky. At the time, it seemed safer to kill Azriel and remove his bond than risk you becoming ill." He swallowed thickly. "But when I saw you on top of him, when you were about to die from exertion, I knew I had to take that risk then and there. I claimed you because I needed to subdue your magic. If I didn't, you would have killed yourself. It was my last resort."
I hardened my gaze to stone, suddenly feeling ill. "Tell me something, Faelen," I said. "If you had known all of this beforehand, would you have mated me earlier? I'm not talking about saving my life in the end. If you KNEW there were no risks to my health by mating with me, would you have claimed me to liberate me from Azriel's grasp? To prevent me from mauling Raina in the process? To free me of my torment?"
The entire world was silent, focused on me and Faelen. I watched him like a hawk for what felt like an eternity. He opened and closed his mouth a couple times, his eyes lighting up with regret until he finally hung his head.
"I would have still tried to kill Azriel first," he muttered.
I swallowed, my shattered heart somehow breaking even more at Faelen's silent admission. It made everything crystal clear. He didn't want to mate me. If I hadn't been on the brink of death, he probably would have never mated me at all.
Little did he know, part of me had died with Raina. He'd failed to save us both.
"Why?" I hissed, my voice breaking. It was all I could bear to ask. After everything we'd been through, why didn't he want to be my mate? Why was I so repulsive to him?
Faelen blinked back unshed tears and shook his head. "You wouldn't understand."
I stepped forward, and Faelen's eyes snapped up in alarm. "Tell me," I spat. "Tell me right now or lose me forever -- if you haven't lost me already!"
Faelen swallowed, years of untold pain entering his eyes. I could feel a dull pain echoing down the bond, but it wasn't like normal pain. It felt years old -- like the pain that stays for a lifetime.
"I--" he choked, then fell silent. For a moment, he said nothing. Then, his eyes held this distant look. "Laura..." he said, and just like that, my world shattered. Of course. Of course, there had been another woman. How could I have ever thought otherwise?
"The woman in the photo?" I hissed, unable to contain my bitterness. Faelen recoiled at my tone but nodded all the same. Pain continued to pulsate down the bond -- from both ends. The woman that had watched us make love. The woman that has seen me at my most vulnerable. He'd loved her this entire time?
"She was my first love," he said. "My one and only. She died far too young. She told me--" he choked on a breath, and an insurmountable amount of grief slammed down the bond. Still, I held his gaze as he continued, "We agreed that we were destined for one another. That we were meant to be mates. Even if the moon and the stars could not see it, we saw it ourselves." He shuddered, squeezing his eyes shut as though the memory was painful to recall. "I made a vow to her on her deathbed, just before she took her final breath. I vowed to her that, no matter what, she would be my one and only. I could love other girls. I could screw other girls. But when it came to mates, she was mine. Even though there was no mate bond between us, even though fate had not blessed us with it, I decided she held that position no matter what. I told her that when my destined mate came along, no matter how much I may grow to love that person... I would never claim them. Because, even if fate said otherwise, I saw Laura as my mate. I always intended to uphold that promise, even with you. If you hadn't been about to die, I don't think I ever would have..."
He trailed off and shook his head. "I had to lie about it. I promised her. I'm sorry."
I blinked, completely and utterly stunned by his words. Honestly, I would have much rather he punched me in the face, because the betrayal I was feeling hurt more than anything.
'My one and only'... my rage physically winded me. I was second-best to a dead girl. He didn't see me as his mate -- he saw her as his mate, and I hated her for it. I hated him for it. He didn't care that we were destined for each other. He didn't care that I'd viewed him as my one and only. He'd merely settled for me. In fact, he would choose to uphold some stupid vow than release me from my tormenter's grasp. That said more about him than any foul words ever could.
I clenched my fists. "Go to hell," I whispered, my voice strangely even. Still, my entire body shook. Panic rammed down the bond at that, and Faelen's face immediately turned white, but I blocked it all out. "Go to hell with your Laura and never come back. I don't ever want to speak to you again. I don't care if you think you were being honourable; you're a selfish pig and you don't deserve my time. You don't deserve me."
At that, I turned and stormed for the forest. When I reached it, I shifted into my wolf and sprinted through the woods, never looking back. Once I was out of earshot, I started to sob violently, the sound coming as anguished snarls from my furry throat. I couldn't even begin to work through the emotions I felt, and when I finally collapsed by a rushing stream -- so exhausted both physically and mentally -- I was lulled into a deep, restless sleep.
As I slept, I was slammed with nightmare after nightmare. But even then, I didn't wake up. Because that day, there was no greater nightmare than my own reality.