"Mom, can I talk to you?"
I stood on the porch of my childhood home and she opened the front door wide and let me in. We walked into the living room together and sat on the couch. I took a deep breath and just jumped right to it.
"I want you to know that I've started therapy. You were right about...everything. So I began seeing a therapist a few weeks ago."
That announcement settled between us for a minute before she spoke.
"You need to figure things out, Tanner, and I think this will help you do that," she'd said gently. "I'm so glad you're taking this step, honey, and I'm proud of you."
At that bit of maternal support, I'd lost it and all the pain I'd caused Esme exploded out of me. My mother sat beside me and held my hand tightly as if I was Jude's age while I cried from the shame, the disgust and the disappointment I felt for my actions. But mostly, the emotion pouring out of me was for the way I'd hurt and betrayed Esme. I kept choking out the same words that came from such a deep place inside of me that they were guttural: I hurt her. I hurt Esme. I hurt her.
When I'd let it all out, I'd gotten to my feet, pacing. I couldn't remember the last time I'd cried, and knew I'd never cried that hard before. I'd also be perfectly happy to never cry like that again. It'd made me feel like a child but, at the same time, I felt like I'd just put all childish things behind me and had finally -- finally -- grown up.
"What the hell just happened? What the fuck was that?" I'd asked, never having experienced a deluge of emotions like that before in my life. Never had I felt that out of control, helpless to stop the storm that broke me wide open.
"That, Tanner," my mother said softly, "was remorse."
We'd been rebuilding our relationship since that day. She'd been fully supportive of me, and seeing that I was trying to become a better person and correct the dysfunction within me that had allowed me to hurt Esme had gone a long way in healing the divide between us.
Now I was waiting anxiously for Esme to answer her phone. One ring. Two rings.
"Tanner! Are the children OK?" she asked the second she answered right before the third ring.
"They're fine, Ez. No worries. I was just wondering if I could stop by to talk to you for a few minutes. About something Jude said that has me a little concerned."
"Sure. It could be something he picked up from school. I've been hearing all sorts of wild things from him for the last few weeks since school began."
It wasn't something he'd picked up from school.
"I'm going to be passing Starbucks. Can I pick up a caramel latte and a cheese danish for you?"
"Oh, no need, Tanner, but thanks."
Please let me do something for you. However small...
"Well, text me if you change your mind. I'll drop Jude and Liora at my parents' and be right over."
"Are you sure everything's OK? This sounds serious if you want to talk without the children."
"It's fine. Just something I need clarified without little ears around."
Like if you're dating a motherfucking asshole who kisses you and asks if you want the D. The big D.
"Got it. Then I'll see you in a bit."
All the way over to my mother's, listening to my children in the backseat, I was trying to figure out the context for Big Daddy. He sounded like a total asshole. Who the hell calls himself Big Daddy anyway? A motherfucker, obviously.
My mom came out to the car.
"Hi, sweetheart. Dad's out playing tennis. He'll be sorry he missed you."
Dad and I were also healing the rift between us. My bad actions and selfish choices hadn't just hurt Esme, but my parents as well, so it'd been a process of working to make amends all around.
Mom helped Jude jump out of the SUV while I picked up Liora from her seat. I didn't need to bring a diaper bag because Mom and Dad could take both children at a moment's notice without any preparation. They had all of Liora's food, formula and diapers as well as clothes for each child. They also had their own bedrooms here so it was just another home to them. Jude's was green with a race car theme and Liora's was pale yellow with a garden theme.
Walking beside me into the house, Mom watched as Liora made her way over to the toys, Jude following right behind her to his own basket of toys. They both started pulling out their favorites and I smiled at their little conversations -- Jude's I could understand, and Liora's was completely unintelligible except for the happiness burbling through the little sounds only she knew the meaning to.
"Is everything OK, Tanner?" Mom asked quietly, her hand lightly touching my arm.
"Yeah," I said, hoping I wasn't lying. I'd be OK as long as I could determine that Esme wasn't in a serious relationship with an asshole. Well, she obviously wasn't anymore since she'd divorced me, but I was hoping there wasn't another asshole on the horizon. I needed more time to improve myself and to prove everything to her.
I kissed the children goodbye, thanked my mom and took off for Esme. A few minutes later, she opened the door to my knock.
"You look great, Ez," I said.
She laughed at me, refusing to take me seriously. "Messy buns and sweats always make a statement," she said.
On her they did, but I'd lost my credibility with her so she wouldn't believe I meant every word.
"So, what's going on?" she asked. "What came out of Jude's mouth?"
I rubbed the back of my neck, not wanting to know the answer but needing to know. "He came out of his room this morning yelling are you ready for the big deeeeeee?"
At that, Esme blinked once, twice...and then burst out laughing. "I'm going to have to kill the man! He has no concept about children picking up everything. I've already warned him but he just doesn't get it --"
"He's around them a lot?"
Please say no. Please say no.
"He's over here just about every day. The children love him."
No, no, no. I swallowed hard.
"Maybe...maybe he shouldn't talk about giving you the big D in front of our children?"
Her eyes widened and turned confused as if I was speaking a foreign language. "What did you say? Or rather, what did you just imply?"
I had the sinking feeling I'd just stepped off a cliff and I was in the middle of a freefall, heading for the deadly, sharp rocks below.
"I'm sorry, Esme. I just...I thought..."
"You thought I was seeing him, and I'd let him talk about dicking me down in front of our children?"
"No! No! Not...shit, Esme. I'm sorry. I was thrown this morning when Jude came out yelling that phrase. I didn't know what to think, what it meant, and I don't think you'd do that."
Her hands went to her hips, but three knocks in rapid succession came on her door, and she arched her eyebrows at me. "Come in!"
"Are you ready for the big DEEEEEE?" a man yelled as he walked into the room. He walked over to Ez and planted a big, smacking kiss on her cheek and then handed her a Starbucks bag.
"Hey, little E!" his big voice boomed. "Got you your Starbies! One caramel latte and one cheese danish, as always!"
What? This was a regular thing? Such a regular thing that he knew her Starbucks order? She wouldn't let me get her anything but this guy could?
"Thanks, Big," she laughed with that sweet smile I used to get. I was determined to get it back, but I may have set myself back after today. Shit.
Mommy always laughs and then he gives her a big kiss.
Then he turned to me. "You must be the short people's dad! Little man and baby girl look just like you! I'm Big Daddy. Nice to meet you!"
He held out his hand to me and shook mine enthusiastically. Then he turned to Esme and shot his thumb in my direction, a huge grin on his face. "How about with this one? Now would you consider it?"
My wife blushed. Blushed so red I thought she was going to turn purple. What the fuck was going on here? I felt like I was missing something.
"No!" she laughed. "It's never going to happen so you can give up thinking it will!"
His laughter filled the apartment. "Can't blame a guy for trying! I gotta get to church, so good luck studying today. Let me know if you need me to quiz you on anything. I'll stop by tomorrow to say hi when the short people get back."
He planted another big kiss on her cheek and walked out of the apartment, making me feel like I'd just survived a tornado.
"That's Big Daddy," I said.
"That's Big Daddy," she confirmed. "Not at all what you're thinking. Just a good friend."
"What did he mean when he asked if you'd consider something with me?"
She blushed bright red again. "He has this thing he's into. He told me about it one night when we were talking relationships and you had the children."
Why is he over here keeping you company? I'll keep you company if you're lonely.
"What thing is he into? Is it dangerous?"
She was actually purple now. "No! Not at all -- nothing like that. He...he...he likes to share women. Likes to direct the action with a woman and another man...or another woman, too, he said. He's been teasing me about trying it."
"No!" I figured my head was about two seconds from exploding and the No! was the first bit to escape as the cracks started forming. It just burst out of me without my brain's permission.
That got me an unfriendly look. "Tanner, I told him that I was definitely not into sharing or being shared, especially since sharing ended my marriage."
I was a dead man walking. But she wasn't done with me yet.
"Besides, right now, I'm just having fun dating and keeping it at that."
Dating? Esme was dating?
She misread the look on my face. "Oh! It's all completely transparent to the children. I only date on the nights you have them. Jude has no clue about anything. I'm keeping to the agreement that we won't introduce anybody to the children until and unless it gets serious and the other parent has met them."
My mind was stuck on Esme dating. Going on multiple dates. Esme had been going on multiple dates? With multiple men? And it didn't sound like this was anything brand new. It sounded like it'd been going on for a while, at least.
More cracks were forming around my skull and the pressure was building. OK, Tanner, rein in your jealousy and make sure she's safe.
"Are you...are you being safe, Ez? Like where are you meeting these guys?"
She waved a careless hand. "Yes, Tanner. I'm being very safe and meeting them at restaurants. I've never let one over here yet."
Yet? Yet? How close to yet was she?
"But how are you meeting them?" I pushed. I hated thinking of her on dating apps where who the hell knows what kind of assholes there were waiting to pounce on a beautiful woman.
"Oh, your mom's been introducing me to some of her friends' sons or some nice men she knows through church."
At that, my head fucking exploded. Kaboom!