.not all who wander are lost.
"Oh dear god, what a relief." A voice yelled, and I was immediately engulfed in a tight hug. Red hair glinted in the murky sunlight that streamed in like water through the curtains. Dark storm clouds boiled in the distance.
I knew almost immediately who held me so tightly. And I couldn't tell if the tightness in my chest was from the strength of her grasp, or from the relief of seeing her again alive and well.
"Lily." I all but sobbed, pulling away to see her face. Her smile was radiant, and she pulled me in for another hug, almost crushing my ribs.
"James, it's Cassiopeia." She gasped. "Thank god it's Cassiopeia. I have never before been so terrified."
I gave her a quizzical look when she finally released me, my eyebrows knitting in confusion.
"Merlin's beard." James laughed, his features softening as he relaxed. "Could you imagine what the alternative would have been like?"
Lily quickly observed my confusion.
"Dumbledore's phoenix just said to expect Mrs. Black. Somehow I always forget that you are also now 'Mrs. Black' and we truly thought Walburga was about to appear in our living room. What a nightmare that would have been."
There was so much joy and warmth in her countenance, I could almost feel the ice surrounding me begin to thaw.
"You're telling me." James muttered as he ran his fingers through his already messy hair.
"Hello, Cassie." He greeted, his smile just as big as his wife's. "Get over here." He wrapped me into an even tighter bear hug.
"You two are safe," I managed to get out once he let me go. "Thank god."
And truly, the relief I felt at seeing them alive was the first positive emotion I had felt since that limp scarf was placed in my hands.
"We are." James nodded vigorously and wrapped his arm around Lily. She shot him a radiant smile. "And from what I understand, we owe that in part to you."
I felt a blush creep up my neck. I didn't deserve any praise or any thanks. If I was a better friend I would have gotten them completely out of harms way.
"You would have done the same for me." I finally said, feeling the hopelessness start to wash over me again.
"Cassie," Lily started, her tone shifted to something careful, cautious. And from the haunted look in her eyes I could tell the pleasantries were over. "Dumbledore told us about Regulus."
Even hearing his name felt like I had been swiftly kicked in the gut. It was as if all the air had been sucked from the room and I was left fighting for anything to fill my lungs.
It took everything inside of me not to sink to my knees and sob. Took all of my willpower not to break into a million tiny pieces right before their faces.
But there was compassion in their eyes as they watched my struggle. I could see the deep set sorrow and the pity as they hyper observed my every move. That was what held back the storm that threatened to break inside of me.
"What did he tell you, exactly?" I finally managed to get out. I was trying desperately to be strong, but my voice sounded choked, and uneven. I wasn't fooling anyone.
I didn't want to think about him. It hurt too much.
"He told us everything." The words poured from her mouth like honey. And though they were said with tenderness, I felt as if I could scream at the agony that arose inside of me at the thought of him. "He said that Regulus is missing. That he was involved in a raid and didn't arrive back with the other Death Eaters."
So Dumbledore hadn't told them everything, I realized when the pain subsided slightly. Hardly anything at all, it seemed.
"Oh Cassie, you must be so scared." She pulled me into her arms again, and it was only then that I realized I was trembling. "I... I don't even know what to say."
I shook my head vigorously, willing the tears away.
"Sometimes there just isn't anything to say, and that's okay." The truth was, I was glad they were lost for words because I had nothing to say. No words to convey the depth and the magnitude of the anguish I felt.
She surged forward and wrestled me into a rib crushing hug.
"Lily, you're going to break her apart. Ease up a little." James urged gently.
There was something unreadable in his deep hazel eyes. And when he watched me, I found myself wondering what he wasn't saying.
"Oh, I'm so sorry. I just-. I just-." She tried to bite back a sob, but it escaped her anyway.
"It's okay, Lils." I offered her a forced smile. A smile that took almost everything I had to conjure.
She stepped back and shook her head as if trying to clear away a fog.
"Merlin's beard, I am such an emotional wreck these days." Her sea green eyes were magnified by what looked like unfallen tears. "Do you want some tea? Let me get you some tea."
She bustled off into the kitchen, leaving me aching and more than a little confused in her wake.
James pulled off my traveling cloak, and flicked his wand to stow it away in the hall closet.
It was a tidy little house. Nothing grand or elaborate. Quite the opposite of the sweeping countryside manor Janes had grown up in. The furniture was modest but comfortable, and the color scheme of soft browns and greens made it feel more homey.
"Is she alright?" I asked as he led me to a sofa in the sitting room. Big windows overlooked the lane, letting me watch as fat raindrops beat down on the glass, and people bustled around outside with colorful umbrellas.
"There's just a lot going on." Came his reply, but he didn't meet my eyes and fiddled absentmindedly with his wand.
"Yes, of course. I'm sorry, I don't mean to pry." I replied, even though I was very much curious.
"No, no, that's not it." He hurried, not wanting to offend me. "I just think she will want to tell you herself."
I shot him a quizzical look. I expected him to look a little upset. He was right, there was a lot going on, and none of it was good. I understood how that could get to a person. But instead, he looked happy, even a little proud. I was confused, but didn't push it. It wasn't my business.
"I'm sorry about that." Lily said as she returned. She was carrying a big tray with a kettle, teabags, milk and sugar.
James was on his feet in an instant, and he quickly took the tray from her.
"We've talked about this, Lily. You're to let me do the heavy lifting." He looked exasperated, and his dark curls that stood up all over his head only contributed to the look.
"Do stop fussing, James. I'm perfectly capable of carrying a tea tray." Lily huffed, scrunching up her nose in irritation.
"It's not that you're incapable, darling." He quickly amended. "I just don't want you to overexert yourself." The complete lack of condescension and the absolute adoration in his eyes clued me in that there was something I was missing.
James and Lily were locked in a stare off for a few moments, but eventually Lily let go of her death grip on the tray- though she didn't seem thrilled about it- and let James carry it the rest of the way to the table in the living room.
A thought popped into my head, that didn't seem altogether ludicrous. I eyed Lily suspiciously, looking for any hint of what I suspected. There was no swell of her stomach, but there were bags under her eyes from a lack of sleep. She carried herself differently too. The signs were subtle, but they were there.
She sat down across from me, and instantly seemed to pick up on my suspicious demeanor.
"I swear, nothing gets past you, does it." She huffed, and bit her lip.
A nervous energy seemed to fill the room and both James and Lily appeared to be on the edge of their seats. Lily watched me closely, but James however was watching her, waiting for her to proceed.
"Not really, no." I confessed, shrugging and settling back further into the couch.
Lily let out a small laugh and finally turned to see James watching her. She shot him a small smile. A nervous smile.
A spark of pain shot through me as I watched them regard one another with complete love.
And I couldn't help but think that I would never be looked at in that way again. Regulus had looked at me that way. As if I had put the very stars in the sky. But now...
I couldn't even think it.
"Are you going to make me ask, or are you going to just tell me?" I finally asked, desperate to pull myself from the spiral of anguish.
"I almost want to hear you ask." James laughed, his eyes sparkling behind his glasses.
"Oh no. I won't do that." I answered, forcing myself to let out a small laugh. "That always comes back to bite you in the arse."
That had James roaring, and clutching his side in laughter.
"I didn't expect that kind of language from you of all people!" He exclaimed, hardly able to get the words out.
I suppose it was quite shocking. I was a properly trained lady, my mother would have been horrified to hear such crude language slip from my mouth.
"Just tell her, Lils. C'mon." He said when he finally had regained enough control over himself. His face however was still red from laughter.
Lily took a deep breath. "I'm pregnant, Cass!" She announced, sheer elation evident on her face.
It took everything within me to muster up some excitement.
It wasn't that I wasn't thrilled for the two of them. I truly, truly was. But my emotions were just so raw so ragged, I almost didn't know how or what to feel anymore.
But I dug deep inside and forced myself to portray the joy that was in their faces.
"Oh, Lily. A baby?" I exclaimed, trying to make my face match my tone. "I'm so happy for you!"
It felt wrong to smile. Felt wrong to try and be cheerful. But I forced it anyway, even though to feel anything except for sorrow felt like a betrayal to his memory. Like I should never be able to feel any joy again, and if I did, it wasn't right.
But Lily's excited face, and James's proud expression made it a little easier to feel that way. Like it wasn't as hard to force it.
"Is that why you have been in hiding?" I asked gently.
James looked somewhat ashamed, and Lily appeared sheepish. I instantly wondered if I had happened upon a sore subject.
"More or less." Lily admitted. "I've been rather sick the last little while. It would be difficult to fight Death Eaters while you're doubled over vomiting all the time."
I couldn't thank Merlin enough for the ease of my pregnancy so far. I didn't know how I would handle the morning sickness on top of everything else.
"Yes, they would surely take advantage of that." An image ran through my mind of Lily bent over vomiting while Mulciber grinned at such an easy prey.
I couldn't help but wonder if I should I tell her about my baby. A baby I had only found out about mere weeks before.
I suddenly felt sick to my stomach as a desperate fight took place in my mind over it. Part of me -the part that lived solely off of that survival instinct- wanted to keep the information locked up for as long as I could. But the other part of me- the part that just longed to feel something other than the soul crushing sorrow- wanted so badly to tell her. I wanted a friend. Someone I could talk to.
But I was still living to survive. The instinct to protect myself and my own was too strong, so I found myself swallowing the admission that had bubbled up inside me.
"I couldn't be happier for you." I forced myself to say, trying to sound sincere. "Truly."
Lily's beaming smile told me I had fooled her well enough.
"It was rather unexpected, but we are so thrilled." She gushed, her cheeks rosy and her hair shiny. She had a glow about her, and I didn't think I had ever seen her look more beautiful.
"And are your parents excited about being grandparents?" I asked, sipping my tea.
"Oh yes." Her demeanor changed suddenly though. And her excitement seemed to falter slightly. "They told me that Tuney is expecting too. She's due just a month before me. They will be getting two grandchildren within a two month window. They're very excited."
And though it was a happy subject, there was sadness in her tone.
I always knew her relationship with her sister was strained. But it would be like a blow to the stomach finding something out like that from her parents. Her sister not even having the decency to tell her herself.
"Though why she would want to reproduce with that prune, Dursley is beyond me." James said to diffuse the tension that had bubbled up in the room, and more so the sadness behind his wife's eyes.
It worked.
Lily let out a sharp laugh. I wondered instantly about this "Dursley" fellow.
"I'm sorry she didn't tell you, Lily." I offered, reaching out and squeezing her hand across the sofa.
"Oh, it's okay. She has her reasons, I'm sure."
"I'm still sorry though." I offered, she gave me a small smile in return. "What about your mother, James?" I asked turning to James and giving Lily time to compose herself. "Is she thrilled?"
I couldn't imagine a world where Euphemia Potter wasn't completely ecstatic about her first grandchild.
"Oh." His face fell drastically, and I had the sneaking suspicion that I had missed something.
"I forget how long it has been since we last saw you. My mother passed away a few months ago."
My heart dropped from my already aching chest at the pain in his eyes.
"Oh, James. I am so sorry. I didn't know." I exclaimed, feeling my throat tighten at the thought of her death.
"No, no. Don't feel bad." He said hurriedly, and tried to force a smile. But it didn't reach his eyes. "We tried to keep it out of the papers. There's no way you could have known."
A terrible thought popped into my mind, and I instantly felt sick to my stomach. Had she been killed by Death Eaters? I didn't know if I could bear knowing if she had. Knowing that I didn't save her from the very people I should have been able to.
But not knowing and wondering was worse than knowing. So I took a deep breath and gathered all of my courage.
"Forgive me for asking, but..." I started.
I didn't get to finish.
"It wasn't Death Eaters." James interrupted, almost sensing exactly what would be on my mind.
I let out a breath of relief I didn't even know I was holding. I couldn't handle any more death being on my hands. It was already too much.
"What happened?" I asked quietly. She wasn't terribly old, and had seemed healthy enough last I saw her.
"Dragon pox." James said somberly.
"Merlin's beard." I reached out and put a hand on his arm. "I am very sorry to hear that. She was a wonderful woman. Kind, and decent. The world is a better place because she lived in it."
"Thank you." He said, and seemed like he was alright. But I could hear the thick emotion in his voice.
"Sorrow finds us all, it seems. It leaves no one unscathed." Lily said, but then she stood up and clapped her hands, startling James and both. "But I say we dwell on it no longer and make the time we have together as merry as we possibly can."
And try desperately to make it merry she did.
I tried as hard as I could to not put a damper on the time we had. But it was so extremely difficult. They skirted away from any mention of Regulus, and honestly, I didn't know whether I appreciated it, or whether I wanted to scream at them to acknowledge the pain I was feeling.
But they didn't know. Not truly. They only thought he was missing. They thought they needed to distract me from my worry, not hold me as I mourned.
No mention was made of Regulus at all until the night before I had to leave.
James and I sat outside on the back patio, watching the stars. It was cold, and the air was crisp. But there was something so achingly beautiful about a cold winter's night. Icicles clung to the trees and the roof. Lit only by starlight and the soft glow of the waning moon. Snow blanketed the ground, and it looked so soft, like all I wanted to do was fall into it and never emerge. The night was so clear, and the sliver of the moon allowed the stars to shine brightly.
Lily had gone to bed, desperately tired from the day. I felt exhausted as well, but it was more mental, as if my mind and my emotions were weights. But as tired as I was, I couldn't bring myself to sleep. There was no solace to be found there.
Silence had stretched between James and I, thick and creeping, both of us lost in the depth of our thoughts.
I watched, transfixed by the sight of my breath billowing around me, lit by the soft starlight.
"He's not really missing, is he." A quiet voice interrupted my thoughts. I looked over in shock. James had his eyes fixed on me.
It wasn't a question, I could tell by the grief I could hear in his tone.
"I don't know what you mean." His stare was so piercing I was afraid he would read the truth on my face. I had to look away.
"Regulus." He dug deeper, and I could tell he wasn't going to let it go. "He's not missing. He's gone."
I shook my head, panic bubbling up inside me.
'No one can know.' I heard Dumbledore words repeating in my mind over and over again. 'No one can know.'
"I don't know why you would think that." I pressed back, trying to shut off any further conversation on the matter.
"I know you. I know you well, Cassie." I shut my eyes tight, trying to force the situation away. But his voice felt so loud in the quiet night. "And the girl I know would tear the world apart for those she loves. If he was truly missing, you would be out there searching for him, and you wouldn't rest until you had found him."
He was right. Merlin's beard he was right. But there was nothing to search for. He was truly and sincerely gone from me. And I didn't know if I would ever be able to feel whole again.
I felt the tears start to prickle in my eyes and run down my cheeks.
James let out a long sigh.
"I had hoped that I was wrong." He whispered, bowing his head.
"I am not supposed to tell anyone." I said as I turned towards him, letting him look me in the eye and see all the panic, all of the desperation that was there.
"Who told you that?" He seemed shocked. Not at all what I had expected.
"Dumbledore."
He shook his head and tore his fingers through his mop of dark unruly hair. "Dumbledore is not always right, Cassie. And he isn't about this. You shouldn't have to go through this alone. Will you tell me what happened?"
I let out a choked sob.
"I can't talk about what happened. That, I do think Dumbledore is right about. The Dark Lord very likely has spies within the Order. Nothing is safe anymore."
"Alright. Alright. Forget I asked. But tell me how you are even holding it together right now." There was a softness in his voice that startled me a little. Remus had always been the gentle one. James and Sirius had been brash, and loud. It was quite a change, one I was sure could only be credited to Lily.
"I don't know, James." And I truly didn't. "I feel so horribly broken. Like I'll never be whole again. Every breath is a reminder that he is with me no more. He was so engrained into my soul, I just... I don't know how to live without him. I don't know if I can live without him. It just hurts so much."
He took my hand and gripped it tightly, anchoring me to reality.
"Oh my dear friend, I am so desperately sorry." He exclaimed. "Listen to me, I know that nothing about this is okay, but this is not the end of your life."
Then why did it feel like it was?
"That's the problem. I don't know that I can go on without him. I feel like I am just drifting. Like there is nothing anchoring me to this world anymore."
The tears were falling freely now, and James reached into his pocket and pulled out an embroidered handkerchief. He offered it to me without a second thought.
"It's okay if you're just surviving right now." He whispered, but his voice was firm. And I could tell his words truly came from a place of understanding. "One day, that survival instinct will fade and you will begin to live again. And when that time comes you'll be glad you didn't give up now."
"But how long will that take?" I cried, not sure that day will ever truly come.
"I wish I knew the answer to that. I felt the same way when I lost my mum. I still feel her death like a void in my heart. It might be years, might be decades. Everyone is different. But we are here for you in any way you need us to be."
"I just don't know what I'm going to do." I shook my head, wringing the damp handkerchief in my hands. "I mean, I am going to teach at Hogwarts for now. But after that, I haven't the slightest idea. I feel like I am wandering, and drifting. Like I am utterly aimless, trying to find my way out of this murk I am trapped in."
"Sometimes you don't need to have the answers, Cass." A kind smile appeared on his face. "Are you familiar with the work of J.R.R. Tolkien?"
"The muggle writer?" I asked, confused by the direction shift.
"Precisely." He nodded, and I remembered that Tolkien's novels were some that Lily had given to him to read. Apparently they had stuck with him. "There is a quote in his works that says, 'not all who wander are lost'. I believe that, because I felt it after my mother died. I think it's okay to wander for a little while. It is okay to not have a firm plan or direction. That is part of the grieving process. You are not lost. You just need to take things one step at a time. One decision at a time until you can see the light again."
"I don't want to feel it. I don't want to feel any of it. I just want to lock it all away and never touch it again." Part of me knew just what a terrible desire that was. I had done that with my brother, and it was so much worse when I finally felt what I had locked away for so long.
But somehow, the idea of giving it all up, of locking it all away made the present moment feel easier.
"No. That is not the way, and you know that." James said, and he had locked me with a fierce gaze that there was no flinching away from. "To feel so deeply is what makes us human. I know it is so unbearably awful, and the darkness is so oppressive, but let the love you have for him be your guide when all else fails. When all other hope has been lost."
"I will try." Was all I could offer. And truly, even that felt like a lot.
"He was a good man, Cass. Kind and loyal and brave. I am better for having known him."
He was all of those things, and more. But with the growing lump in my throat, I couldn't bring myself to say much.
"As am I." It was all I could manage with a small nod.
We sat in silence for a while longer. And it was healing. Sometimes, there are no words to convey the depth of the pain or sorrow you feel. Sometimes the guilt and the anguish are just so fierce that nothing can truly be said that will do the feel of it justice. And in those moments, silence is best. Silent companionship.
"James," I said some time later. " I beg of you not to tell anyone except Lily. I trust the two of you implicitly. But you must not tell anyone else. It is desperately important."
He knit his eyebrows together in confusion.
"I won't tell anyone." he promised, but it wasn't good enough for me. I had to be sure.
"Swear it." I demanded.
"I swear it." And from the solemnity of his words and the fierceness of his gaze, I knew I could trust him to keep that promise.