IB: cowboylexapro (tumblr)
"Charlie's had some pretty weird crushes, too," Knox said, grasping at any means to defend himself.
This meeting of the Dead Poets Society had taken a quick turn. Poetry lay on the cave floor, long forgotten while the conversation became wild. The poets seemed to have ganged up on him in a matter of minutes, teasing him relentlessly about his little infatuation with Chris.
"Oh yeah? Name one."
"Lacy Banafel, seventh grade," he said, without hesitation.
The flames of hell burned behind Charlie's eyes.
"I remember her," Neil remarked. "That's the one you gave yourself a black eye for, right?"
"Excuse me?" Todd asked, at the same time Charlie groaned the words "shut up."
Neil listened to the former. "Somehow, little seventh grader Charlie got it in his head that to impress Lacy--who, by the way, was sixteen when this happened--he had to prove he was some kind of tough guy."
"Are you saying I'm not tough?"
"I'm saying you fell face-first onto a basketball, Charlie."
Todd began to laugh.
He had finally begun to see himself as one of the group, and these old stories no longer bothered him. He used to take it almost as an attack, a stiff reminder that no matter how close he became with the group of boys, he hadn't been there to witness the hectics of boyhood with them.
But more recently, he found himself laughing at these stories. The feelings of discussion seemed to melt away with experience and all was well.
It certainly helped--to some degree--when he started dating Neil. A hand to take hold of during these times, something that said 'So what, you weren't here before. You're here now, okay?'
"Meeks thinks you're funny," Charlie said, and Cameron gulped, knowing he was next. "I bet Rebecca Gaiman thought you were funny, too."
"Hang on, that's not fair," Cameron interjected. "I didn't know our parents were dating."
"You had a crush on your step-sister," Charlie teased. "Pervert."
"She wasn't even legally my sister," he tried, but it was too late. Everyone was already keeled over.
Cameron furrowed his eyebrows, raising his voice to be heard over their collective cackling.
"Well, on the subject of dating a sibling, I think Neil has something to say."
Neil, fingers intertwined with Todd's, widened his eyes at this bold claim. "Do I?"
"Not your sibling, mind you," Meeks added. "But...you know..."
"Oh, I get it now!" Charlie declared, and took a long drag of his smoke. "He must've never gotten over his crush on Jeff Anderson."
Todd turned to him. "You liked my brother?"
Neil felt his ears go red. "How could I not? He's almost as handsome as you."
But Neil's attempt at saving the interaction failed, and slowly--like a drop of water falling off a leaf--he felt Todd pull his hand away.
-
When walking back from the meeting, it was typical for Neil and Todd to linger behind in the cave for moment, and have that freedom that they so often missed when in more public places.
Because of that, Neil's surprise when Todd stood with the others was dismal.
"Todd, aren't you going too...?"
Todd only shrugged, face remaining neutral as he followed along with the others.
He didn't seem to care whether Neil stayed or not, so he did, just to collect his thoughts.
The cave floor was cold and dark. What was left of their small fire was a collection of orange embers that moved with the ebb and flow of the wind. There was something in the way the cave was carved out that captured that wind so lovingly and produced a noise similar to the sound of someone crying.
Neil sat in his favourite spot--a rock like a chair, God's designated little area--and mulled over the events of the night.
They had been laughing, they'd all been laughing. And Todd had dropped his hand.
Did Charlie's comment piss him off that bad?
Neil wrapped his arms around his body as the final ember went dark, nodding to it as if to say goodbye.
Blindly, he began to stumble from the cave, over a log and--
"Wait for me, would you?"
Todd's voice seemed to come from nowhere in the blackness of the night. Until he stood from his seat, leaving behind whatever stump he'd been tucked up against.
He got to walking back the path to Welton, passing Neil on the way.
"Hold on," Neil said. "What's going on with you? You don't want to talk to me, but then you sit outside and wait for me, and now you're walking past me? That's bullshit."
Todd knew this ws bullshit. Couldn't Neil see he knew? But then again, there was a lot Neil didn't see. A lot he refused to see.
"I was just thinking about..."
Neil egged him on with a nod. "About...?"
Todd sighed. "You're just like everyone else."
"What are you talking about?"
Todd's jaw clenched, and his voice came out biting. "My brother, Neil. How are you seriously so dense?"
"Toddy, love, I liked Jeff years ago. I don't anymore."
"But..." Todd could feel his lip quivering. "You know, I've lived in his shadow my whole life? Everything I've ever owned was a hand-me-down. You were the very first thing I've had to myself, Neil. The only thing that's ever been mine. And now I come to find out you were Jeffrey's first."
A beat of silence passed as Neil absorbed the full force of what he was saying, and the implications that followed.
This was important to Todd, clearly. And it wasn't the sort of thing they could resolve. It was so long ago...
And now, their entire relationship was tainted.
Neil just wanted to start over.
Instead, he watched Todd walk away.
-
Todd woke up to a sunless sky, dorm bathed in shades of gray and melodrama. Neil's bed was made, though Neil wasn't there. In his place was a note.
Going to town.
-N
Todd rolled back over and tried to sleep, but his body was rested already and his mind was only just getting going. He was considering the night before.
Todd loved Neil. He knew this. But Neil had loved Jeffrey first. And then...what? Went for the next best option?
I will not be the one Neil settled for, Todd thought determindly. Even if I don't know what to do now.
He did know what to do, and what that meant. But the very thought was poisonous, and he held it at arm's length.
Todd figured he'd better get dressed.
Meanwhile, Neil was in town with his bike and about four dollars in change. He didn't know where to buy a phone-book, but that wasn't going to stop him from trying.
The change clicked around in his pocket as he walked his bike down the sidewalk, and he found himself doing an inconvenient little half-skip with every step he took to prevent it from falling out.
He parked his bike outside of the library and went in to talk to whoever he could.
"Good morning, son, you look a little lost," a man said from behind the desk. His was tall and slender, with wire-rimmed glasses and a George McFly hairdo. His nametag--a little metal plate fastened to his tie--read Bertram.
"Good morning," Neil said with a polite smile. "I'm looking for phone numbers."
Bertram began to look confused. "You don't have a phone-book, son?"
"Well, I do," Neil amended, and tried not to think about this man calling him son, "It's only the number I'm looking for is quite a bit farther away."
"How far?"
Neil winced, knowing it would come to this but dreading it all the same. "Massachusetts..."
Bertram replied that he would see what he could do.
-
"Todd," Charlie threw open the door. "Com'ere."
Todd sat up. "To where?"
"Neil wants to talk to you."
Todd sighed. "Tell him to just come in here, then." Then at least they'd have some privacy while they ended things.
"Yeah, smart, only there's no phone in here. So come on."
Charlie lept down the hallway, waiting for Todd to follow.
After what seemed like a eternity, Todd slowly filtered out, tentative as a deer entering someone's yard. Like one loud noise might send him barreling over the hills.
The phone was at the end of the hall, right by the top of the stairs. Todd rounded the corner to find Neil there, and his stomach dropped.
"Oh," he said. "I thought you were calling me."
Neil shook his head, the reciever almost smacking him in the jaw as he did so.
"Well, I'll let you talk. I'll be in the room when you're done."
"Wait, Todd. I need you to hear this." Neil held out the phone to his boyfriend.
Surprised, Todd gestured to himself, as if to say me? Neil only pushed it closer, so Todd took the phone and tucked it up to his ear.
"Hello?" he said, and through static crackles he heard familiar voice.
"Oh, perfect. I thought Neil would keep me forever," Jeffrey chuckled. "He promised me I could talk to my baby brother, and I half-thought he was lying."
A smile lit up Todd's face. His relationship with his brother was complicated, but he loved this man who'd practically raised him with his whole heart.
"Jeff," he said, like a child calling out to its father. "I...what's going on?"
"Honestly," Neil said. "He's here to do us a bit of a favor."
Todd took the phone from his ear and held it between them, allowing both boys to here quietly what Jeff was saying.
"Jeffrey," Neil asked. "Can you do the thing now?"
Jeff cleared his throat. "I hereby disown any concept of Neil Perry that I may stake a claim to."
"Officially," Neil said.
Todd could feel his heart about to explode from his chest.
It was the stupidest thing, the dumbest gesture that Neil could have done, and yet it still meant so much, and...
Was he crying?
"Thanks Jeff," Neil said.
"Of course. And if you don't mind, why did you need me to say that?"
Todd nearly burst out laughing. Of course Neil would set up a gesture like this without even telling the other party what role they played. It was so perfectly him.
"Just because I love your brother so much."
"Glad to hear it. You know, I do too. Bye now," he said, and the line went dead.
"Did you hear that?" Neil said, as Todd hung up the phone. "I'm all yours."
Todd flung his arms around him, breathing hard and blinking back tears.
Neil had gone to the past to scrub away the very last stain. He'd had Jeff relinquish the claim on his heart so he could give it to Todd, brand-new and perfect.
And it would be Todd's, only Todd's, from that day on.
"All mine?" Todd whispered.
"Forever."