hello
****
I messed up. I messed up. I messed up.
Lan Xichen had never come this close to swearing.
A-Cheng. Wanyin, I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry.
He paced around, trapped in a cage of his very own making, his thoughts crammed inside his head, scrambled up and stepping all over each other. Although his mind was a mess, there was one thing that was clear: all of his thoughts were screaming get to Wanyin at once. Hold him close, and never let him go.
Even if it breaks you.
He heard footsteps, frantic footsteps heading towards him, and for one delirious moment he thought that it was Wanyin, that his A-Cheng had come back to find him.
Instead of the purple robes he was hoping for, a flash of black and red was all he saw before his vision was filled with a face twisted with anger. Wei Wuxian was practically shaking as he glared at Lan Xichen. Gone was the kind and mischievous glint usually found in his eyes; instead, Lan Xichen was faced with a stone cold gaze, the pair of eyes staring at him with barely restrained anger.
He deserved it, he supposed.
With gritted teeth, Wei Ying spat out the words as if he didn't want to waste a single ounce of breath speaking to him, "What did you do to A-Cheng?"
Lan Xichen smiled. A sad smile. Filled with scorn for himself on how he had managed to mess up the most precious thing in his life. I couldn't protect the one thing I loved most. In fact, I orchestrated it's downfall. Words are as deadly a weapon as any...
Of course, he didn't say it on purpose. He just... wasn't thinking.
Lan Xichen scoffed at his pathetic attempt to convince himself that he was partially right. He watched Wei Wuxian run out of the room, knowing where he was going, wanting to follow, yet also knowing that by appearing, he would make everything worse.
****
"You can go."
Lan Xichen smiled, this smile full of encouragement and brightness. He was sitting across a man dressed in ragged clothing, the colour of the cloth long faded from continuous scrubbing. The man sat opposite him almost burst into tears at these words, eyes shining. Leaping up, he reached for Lan Xichen's hand, looked at his crisp, clean white robes, then back at the hands he couldn't remember last washing, and thought better of it. Instead, he bowed, over and over again, until Lan Xichen was sure that his back would break from bowing so many times.
"Th- thank you Sect Leader Lan! Your kindness and generosity will not be forgotten! Our family is indebted to you forever!" Bowing once more, the man hastily retreated out of the room.
Only then does Xichen turn around and glance towards the corner of the room, where a man clad in purple robes was sitting, face blank, yet rolls of disapproval radiating off him. Xichen could feel him shifting in the corner of the room when he was talking with the man, and sighed, anticipating what Jiang Cheng was going to say.
"You shouldn't have let him go."
Lan Xichen patted the seat next to him, inviting Jiang Cheng to sit down. Jiang Cheng slunk out of the shadows and settled beside Xichen, leaning on him slightly. When Xichen made to put his arms around Jiang Cheng, he shrugged his hand off, but still kept leaning on Xichen. And he was content with this for now.
Lan Xichen was curious as to why Jiang Cheng disagreed. In his eyes, he had done nothing wrong.
"Why?"
"Because he broke the rules, that's why! He stabbed someone, Lan Huan..."
Lan Xichen furrowed his eyebrows.
"Only because he was trying to feed his family! And it was an accident, anyway. He didn't mean to. He was only trying to sneak some food off the stall - which I admit, is illegal - but that was only because he has two children that he has to care for. It's not his fault that the shopkeeper caught his wrist, causing him to panic and attack. People's instincts tell them to either fight or flight, and since the flight option was cut off, he could only fight."
Jiang Cheng crossed his arms, huffing at what he thought was a ridiculous train of thought.
"Yes, but what about the shopkeeper? Not only do his goods get taken from him, he suffered physical harm too. What were you going to do about that?"
"We can provide the medication and the compensation for his goods. He comes from a relatively wealthy background; he can afford to lose a couple of fruits and a loaf of bread."
Lan Xichen looked down as Jiang Cheng's weight shifted, sitting up to face Lan Xichen, as if disbelieving that someone would think this. Lan Xichen's eyes were as calm as ever, but Jiang Cheng's eyes were now alight, burning with the need to make Lan Huan see what a big mistake he was making.
"How are you supposed to run a whole Sect with this sort of reasoning? Soon, anyone will be able to do as they like, and if they get caught, the only thing they'll have to do is spin a sob story to get you to let them go. There are lines one cannot cross, or you must suffer the consequences, no matter how desperate you are."
Lan Xichen's eyebrows furrowed further, his hands unconsciously starting to fidget. He was becoming restless. That's not how things work! There are exceptions to every rule, right? In some cases, it isn't black and white, good and bad; everyone strives to do what they think is best.
"I think I can judge for myself how to deal with these crimes. This was a petty crime gone wrong at most. How come you didn't chase after the cultivator who impaled your sister with a sword? Was that not a crime even worse than this? Did that cultivator not break the rules, and by a much worse degree than the cultivator that was just trying to look after his family? Did that cultivator not have more malicious intent? Wanyin, if you're so righteous, why not prosecute the person that killed your sister?"
Jiang Cheng blinks, as if not fully absorbing what was said. His eyes grew cold, and Xichen could feel the temperature in the room drop. Jiang Cheng's walls - the layers of defence built to protect his heart, the ones that Lan Xichen had finally managed to break down - were going back up again.
The room was silent, the words that Xichen had spoke hovering in the air. Lan Xichen swallowed, trying to come up with some explanation, some pathetic excuse he could think of that could repair the wound he had just reopened. Try as he might, all the words, all the explanations, all the 'I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm so so so sorry I didn't mean it's were stuck, as if someone had severed his vocal cords the same way he had just severed Jiang Cheng's trust in him.
"You went too far, Lan Xichen."
The words knock into him like he had just been punched. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
Lan Xichen sat paralyzed. It felt like someone else was watching Jiang Cheng stand up. Someone else took control of his body as he watched Jiang Cheng just stand up and turn his back to him. Inside, he was screaming A-Cheng I'm sorry A-Cheng please come back A-Cheng I'll do anything to fix this A-Cheng please let me in again A-Cheng I love you I love you so much it hurts to breathe when you turn away A-Cheng come back to me please-
On the outside, Lan Xichen could only watch helplessly as Jiang Cheng strode out of the door, his confident mask back up again. This time, he was letting no one inside, lest his heart is broken yet again.
****
Lan Xichen's pace slows down again, his thoughts drawn back to the present by footsteps yet again; someone was running towards this room. He didn't even bother lifting up his head, knowing who it was, knowing what he'd say.
Wei Wuxian rushes into the room, eyes still sharp and unforgiving, still scowling, pointing an accusing finger at Lan Xichen. And Lan Xichen was too tired to spin lies that were poor attempts to defend himself against the poison he had spewed on a whim.
Wei Wuxian sighed, rubbing his hand over his eyes.
"If you don't fix the mess you've made, I swear on my life that I will not forgive you."
Understandable. I don't know if I can forgive myself.
Slowly, Lan Xichen wandered to Jiang Cheng's room, his feet knowing the way without him even having to think about where to go. Slowly, he lifted his hand up, ready to knock. He paused. Considering if this was really a good idea.
Even if it breaks me.
He knocked, three soft taps.
A voice, scratchy and muffled, travels out from inside the room.
"Wei Wuxian, I said I didn't want to talk about it."
Lan Xichen's heart cracks.
"It's me."
The two words seem to have a magical affect on the place - all movement immediately stills, and it was like no one was on that room at all. Taking a deep, shaking breath, Lan Xichen began.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry-"
"Everyone's always sorry. What about me is so appealing? Why is it always me? Tell me, is it fun to be able to hold a person's heart in your hands, to pretend you care, to play along until you've collected all of the pieces like this is a game to you? And then to crush the heart into a million pieces?"
"I-"
"I trusted you the most, Sect leader Lan."
The title scared me. I don't like it. It doesn't sound right, it's not right.
"A-Cheng... please, let me try and explain. I wasn't thinking, I wasn't-"
"I think you were thinking quite a lot, Sect leader Lan. I think you were thinking quite a lot when you let that man go just because you pity him."
He scoffed, and my heart shattered a little more.
"Pitied. Something I've been all my life. Coming second, it's so much worse than coming last. If you're last, you know you had no chance. You know you've lost for good and there's nothing that can change that. But coming second? You see the light. You glimpse the shimmer of glory and then it is taken from you and given to someone else. All my life I have been pitied. Has no one ever considered that I don't want to be pitied? I want to be cared for, I want to care. I want to be seen as something more than second place, more than a kid who's life spiraled out of control."
He laughed, a hoarse laugh that sounded more like a cry for help.
"A-Cheng, I'm so sorry. I care, I care for you so much that there is a physical pain in my chest, a need to have you close to me. I care, I care so much that it scares me. Please, A-Cheng. I'm sorry. You say I've broken your heart? You can have mine. My heart is yours, it always has been. You can break it, crush it, do whatever you want to it provided I get to see you, to have you close. Have my heart, A-Cheng."
"I don't want it."
Four words, and Xichen truly, finally understood what weapons words are. He collapsed to the floor, on his knees, his whole body shaking with the effort of keeping his tears from spilling.
"Please, A-Cheng. A-Cheng I love you-"
Lan Xichen couldn't think of anything to say. All that he knew was that he had to fix this. Somehow. All he could do was repeat the phrase that beat in time with his heart, saying it over and over again like a prayer.
"No. No, you don't."
Xichen could feel the physical pain in his chest as his heart was being torn apart. His whole body shook, and his throat hurt from trying not to shed his tears.
The voice on the other side was very small. Jiang Cheng sounded so very vulnerable, that Xichen just wanted to break down the door and hold him close. Let me prove to you how much I care.
"Sect leader Lan, please. This visit is unnecessary. Please, go back. I need to be left alone."
Jiang Cheng's voice cracks, and Xichen cannot breathe. But he has always listened to that voice. The voice that was telling him to go back.
And so, even if every cell in his body was screaming at him, even as he felt his heart break into a million pieces, even as he can physically feel the gap in his chest where his heart was, he turns around and leaves.
After all, there are lines one cannot cross, or you must suffer the consequences, no matter how desperate you are.
****
hooooooooly shit i love this one
this one probably counts as Trying not to Cry as well as a bit of confrontation ig, and Please Don't Leave Me, and perhaps a bit of Shaking and Shivering
but i actually love this one
it was incredibly, unexpectedly long
so
there's that
VOTE PLEZ LOVE Y'ALL